//------------------------------// // You Come Here Often? // Story: Total War: Ponyhammer // by Thule117 //------------------------------// Jack and Twilight stared at each other for what most experts would call an 'awkwardly long time'. One shocked by the appearance of the other in his place of residence. The other shocked at the other's appearance. Jack had warned Twilight that his face had been injured, what he had not mentioned was the extent of the damage. The lower left side of Jack's face, was a ruin. A good chunk of the cheek was missing, exposing the teeth and gumline in the manner of a rictus grin. A spiderweb of scars traced out from the missing portion, crisscrossing the left side of his face in a network of puckered, angry red tissue. Instantly Twilight was reminded of Rakarth from Total War, or maybe SKX from Condemned 2 Bloodshot. Twilight could easily see why Jack wouldn't want others to see his face, most would undeniably find him intimidating. Between his medium length brown hair, currently slicked back against his head by a combination of moisture and a comb, his eyes that were a piercing combination of green and hazel, and his six foot two athletic frame, he looked like a dressed-down supervillain from a comic book. Twilight however, found herself completely unafraid. In fact, if she were being honest, she found his intimidating appearance weirdly fascinating. However, before Twilight could examine her feelings further, she recalled a number of key details about her situation. One: she was currently standing, uninvited and unannounced, in the apartment of her crush. Two: said crush, was currently only wearing a towel. Three: neither of them had said so much as a word for nearly thirty seconds. "I uh. . . you-uh. . . er, that is to say. . . Hi!" Twilight offered as she put on a far-too-wide-to-be-sincere grin. Jack, just continued to stare at her for another few seconds. Before slowly reaching up, and pinching himself, hard. After a moment spent wincing, he finally responded. An ever so slight lisp to his words courtesy of the missing parts of his face that Twilight wondered about never noticing before. "Ok, so not a dream. That leaves either: hallucination brought on by a gas leak, or stark raving madness from living for years in self-imposed isolation. Which is it?" He asked, with a shocking degree of calm. Twilight momentarily considered claiming she was a hallucination. She couldn't teleport but the rest of her magic worked just fine. A little illusion magic combined with a smoke spell might do the trick. She could slip out the door and then. . . stay exactly where she was because she had no way to teleport. Ok, how about faking amnesia? That always worked in anime and video games, and surely she was a good enough actress to be convincing?! She might not have done much acting herself, but she once wrote a play and she was best friends with Rarity! Yes, that was it! She'd just act like she had no idea where or who she was, and of course Jack would take her in. He'd slowly nurse her back to health, making her meals, tending to her every need and slowly reminding her of who she was. Then one night, she'd have a scary dream about her mysterious past, and crawl into Jack's bed. He'd put his arms around her and hold her close as she snuggled as close to him as possible. She'd feel him get excited, but she wouldn't mind, and she'd reach down with her hoof and-. "Boop!" Jack declared, as he gently tapped Twilight's nose with his index finger. Instantly snapping her out of her increasingly out of control fantasy. Twilight gave a very marely and not-adorable-in-any-way-thank-you cry of surprise, -that was absolutely not a Fluttershy-like squeak -shut up- and scrunched up her muzzle in a manner she would later insist was meant to be intimidating. Jack meanwhile, had to bite his tongue to keep a straight face, while reminding himself that it would be completely inappropriate -not to mention extremally hazardous to his long term health- to grab Twilight and start cuddling her. Though for a moment, in his head, he weighed the benefits of a few seconds of cuddle bliss as compared to the consequences of magical vaporization. Restraint eventually won out, but it was a near thing. "You know, some mares would break your legs for booping them without consent." She declared flatly. Jack simply chuckled. "Relax, it was for science." He declared innocently. Twilight couldn't help but guffaw loudly at that, before smirking while arching an eyebrow. Her nerves rapidly untensing as she realized Jack didn't seem upset at all. "Oh?" She asked. "Yeah. My hypothesis was that Twilight Sparkle had inexplicably appeared in my apartment. So I evaluated the evidence and devised an experiment to test my hypothesis." Twilight's smirk widened. "And what has your experiment shown?" She asked with a slight giggle. Jack made a big show of stroking his chin and trying to look scholarly. Putting on a hilariously pompous British accent as he replied. "Via the scientifically applied process of 'booping', we have acquired data that suggests very strongly that Twilight Sparkle is indeed in my apartment. Regrettably, we may never know for certain. As I do not believe the experiment will be repeatable due to being unwilling to sacrifice my appendages." Twilight struggled not to laugh as she replied. "Oh? But what if you were to receive permission to perform the experiment again?" Jack put on an expression of abject horror. "But that would not properly replicate the experiment! Being given permission would change the conditions! The whole experiment could destabilize! Good god mare! It could get us all killed!" Twilight burst out laughing, unable to restrain herself in the face of Jack's abjectly absurd comedy act. However, soon enough, the laughter died down, and as the nervousness from before started to creep back in, the pause stretched into another awkward silence. Eventually, Jack spoke again. "So. . . not that this isn't fun but. . . how and why exactly are you here? I mean, knew you wanted to visit, but not so much that I thought you'd track me down and break into my apartment." Jack's tone was lighthearted, but it instantly filled Twilight with a combination of shame and anger. Shame that she had violated Jack's privacy and trust -however unwillingly- and anger that Cadence had put her in this position. Sister in law or not, the next time Twilight saw that mare they were going to have words! Long, pointed, words! That may or may not be wreathed in arcane fire! "I uh. . ." Twilight hesitated for a moment before deciding to just go with the truth. "Would you believe it was Cadence's fault?" She asked sheepishly. "Easily." Jack deadpanned with a frown. "Much as I adore our resident love guru, that mare has a crazy streak a mile wide. She's like if if a Disney Princess got crossed with a rouge CIA operative. Come to think of it. . . kinda feels like everypony in the royal family is like that to one degree or another. Present company excluded." Twilight opened her mouth to protest, only to stop as she recalled the prank war that had recently erupted between the royal sisters over what had happened with Celestia's first crush over fifteen hundred years ago. Last she checked, Luna had seized the royal bakery and used magic to make every cake in Canterlot taste like asparagus. While in retaliation, Celestia had enchanted the stars in the night sky to spell out 'LUNA STINKS', which had seriously interfered with Twilight's astronomy and astromancy studies for the last few days. Clearing her throat, Twilight replied as nonchalantly as she could. "It's not that bad. But yeah, Cadence apparently got tired of me complaining about not being able to visit you and decided the best solution was to ambush me, seal away my teleportation magic, and then rip an interdimensional hole into your apartment and shove me through." Jack gave Twilight a look of faint incredulity. "Out of curiosity, what precisely is the metric you're using that any of that qualifies as quote: 'not that bad'?" Twilight responded with a shrug. "When you get attacked by supervillains, monsters, and megalomaniacs every few months for ten years, you start having a pretty high bar for things being considered 'bad'." Jack opened his mouth, only to realize he couldn't really argue with that. "Fair enough I suppose. Anyway, Cadence's crazy scheming aside, it is pretty amazing to actually meet you in person. Though I do kinda' wish I'd been wearing pants for the occasion." That comment rather unsubtly reminded Twilight of the fact that Jack had been standing there in nothing but a towel for this entire exchange. Setting her thoughts to the urgent task of screaming: "Don'tblushdon'tblushdon'tblush! FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA DON'T BLUSH WHEN HE'S LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU!!" "Eeeup." Was Twilight's eloquent reply. To which Jack nodded. "Well, anyway, feel free to make yourself at home while I get changed into something that isn't terrycloth. There should be some fruits and veggies in the fridge if you're hungry, wifi password is your name just without a space between 'Twilight' and 'Sparkle' and please don't ask why that is, I told you when we met that I'm a hopeless fanboy." Twilight laughed at that. "Any house rules?" She asked cheekily as Jack entered his room. "Yeah: don't look at my search history." He shot back as he shut the door. Twilight just smiled and shook her head in reply. As Twilight worked on making herself comfortable, Jack discarded his façade of cool and nonchalance in favor of, in the parlance of the educated: 'completely losing his shit'. Twilight Sparkle, thee Twilight Sparkle, his dream-pony idol/fantasy, had been magically transported to his shitty, ordinary, painfully middle class nerd-cave of an apartment. Worse than that, she had arrived just in time to catch him coming out of the bathroom in nothing but a fuck-mothering towel! If he thought he could have gotten away with screaming in a combination of horror and frustration without Twilight noticing Jack would have happily done so, terrified neighbors be damned! "And to put the absolute turd icing on this shit-cake, she saw my goddamn face! I mean, ok, I don't think she recognized me, so that's a start, and she didn't run away screaming which is a plus, but still!!" Jack's mental rant ran through his head like an out of control semi truck as he staggered around his room looking for something anything to wear that was appropriate for greeting royalty. "Mandalorian T-shirt? No. D&D T-shirt? No. Warhammer 40,000 Slaanesh T-shirt? Hell no! Rick and Morty shirt? Not in a million years! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Why the hell don't you own a suit Jack?!" +Because you're a nerdy shut-in who's spent nearly ten years hiding in your apartment Jack!+ "Well now what the fuck am I supposed to do?!" +C'mon, Twilight is chill, I'm sure Cadence meant this whole thing to be casual.+ "THERE'S NOTHING CASUAL ABOUT A VISIT FROM ROYALTY!!" Eventually Jack found a clean black polo shirt and some khakis, they were old and barely fit but they were literally the nicest things he owned, as far as clothing went anyway. Glancing around and then remembering that his bedroom -which suddenly seemed entirely too messy- had no mirror, thus it was that he froze with his pants halfway on, wondering if he should mess his hair up a bit or leave it slicked back. Not that it mattered, as once it dried it would return to its usual state of just doing whatever it wanted. "Should I put on cologne?!" +You don't own any cologne Jack.+ "Should I grow a beard?!" +Ok, one: half your face is missing, two: how the hell are you going to grow a beard in the next fifteen seconds?+ "I don't know! But I need to do something that's Twilight Sparkle out there!" +Whom you have known and been friends with for nearly two months now, it isn't that big a deal.+ "WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW YOU'RE JUST ME TALKING BACK TO MYSELF?!!" +Yes, which means at least some part of you understands that Twilight isn't expecting you to turn into Prince Charming, and that being yourself is the best option.+ "MYSELF LOOKS LIKE HE LOST A FIGHT WITH A SHOTGUN!!" +Isn't that more or less what happened?+ "EXACTLY! So We're agreed that I need to figure out how to be Twilight's Prince Charming." +. . . Yeah fuck this, I'm out. Come find yourself when you're done being crazy.+ "Hey! Hey get the fuck back here! DESERTERS WILL BE HANGED!!" +Tell it to my perfectly sculpted metaphorical ass as it walks into your subconscious.+ As Jack was castigating himself in a manner disturbingly adjacent to a psychotic break, Twilight had her own concerns. "Wow, I honestly thought just showing up here would have made Jack angry, or at least freaked him out a little, but he really took it in stride. Suddenly a dreamy smile appeared on Twilight's face, as her inner voice changed to a more lilting tone. +He reminds me of Leon Kennedy in RE4, cool under pressure, razor sharp wit, and so hot he could melt ice by standing next to it!+ Twilight blinked, a little surprised at herself. "Heh, c'mon Twilight, Jack's not some action hero from a game, he's a real person." +Then again, those scars of his really make him look the part, plus he keeps himself in shape. I bet he'd be a total badass in a zombie apocalypse!+ "Settle down girl, just because somecreature has a few scars doesn't make them a super hero." +Oh come on! Tell me you couldn't see him by your side in Raccoon City, kicking flank and taking names! You could be his Ada Wong! Only you wouldn't stab him in the back, or stop at just a kiss. . .+ Twilight felt her face heat up as she tried to reign in her imagination. "His scars aren't a decoration! Plus he's already sensitive about them, thinking about them like they're some sort of cosplay accessory is wrong, no matter how cool they make him look! Although. . . they really do work for him. I mean once you get over the initial shock they actually look kinda. . . hot." +Exactly my point! They look hot and he's self conscious about them! What better way to help him with that than admitting you have a scar fetish?!+ At that point in her internal debate Twilight felt her entire face flare red. "It's not a fetish I just think his scars make him look interesting!" +Don't you mean 'attractive'? Admit it, him looking like a supervillain get's your motor running way faster than if he was some preppy Prince Charming.+ "Ok seriously, what the hay is wrong with me that I'm debating this with myself?" +Oh we both know the answer to that: you're a thirty three year old mare who spent years shoving every sexual desire she ever had into her subconscious in favor of her career and academics. Frankly, if you don't get laid soon you might well. . . you remember the Smarty Pants incident right?+ "So. . . what? If it doesn't work out with Jack I'll cast a want-it-need-it spell on myself and just attack him?! I'd never do that! Jack is my friend, not a sex object!" +Well not with that attitude.+ "Not with ANY attitude! I'm not some disgusting rapist!" +Well, yeah, you totally radiate bottom energy, obviously you'd never do that. Plus: 'friend'? Let's not lie to yourself honey, we both know you didn't come here to just be 'friends'.+ "Was my inner voice always this disturbingly sassy?" Twilight muttered to herself. Deciding she didn't really want to dwell on that, Twilight distracted herself by looking over Jack's impressive collection of books and games. Most of his books seemed to be Warhammer 40,000 novels, and various comics, but there were also quite a few on academic subjects. Military history, nanotechnology, nature guides, and more. In addition, Twilight found a large quantity of books that dealt with a number of strange or esoteric subjects. Mysticism, cryptography, psychological warfare, herbalism, and even things like the Anarchist's Cookbook and a slightly disturbing book about the history of torture. Frankly, if Twilight hadn't known Jack as well as she did, some of these books would have had her seriously questioning his sanity. Fortunately, Jack had freely mentioned one or two of the odder books in his collection to Twilight already. Literature was a frequent topic of conversation for them, and during one particular debate about Human vs Equestrian publications Jack had brought up some of these unnerving titles as examples of writing and documentation unique to humans, for better or worse. He hesitantly had explained that most of them he had acquired during an "edgy phase" he'd gone through as a teen. Jack's game library was less surprising, but no less expansive. RPG's, shooters, and strategy games of all types, Jack had tons of each. From Final Fantasy to Silent Hill, from Halo to Command and Conquer, from Doom to Xcom, Jack had a bonanza of popular and cult gems. Some of the lesser known ones included Darksector, Bulletstorm, The Suffering, Blood Omen 2, and Disgea 2: Cursed Memories. Most of these titles Twilight had already played, but a few she had only heard of, as they were hard to find in Equestria. She also didn't see much in the way of fighting, racing or sports titles, but then, Jack had always said he never cared for them. "See anything you like?" Twilight had been perusing a number of original Xbox titles, only to jump into the air with a loud squeak at the unexpected reminder that she was not alone in the apartment. As she struggled to return her heart rate to normal, Jack let out a little chuckle. "You know, for a mare who fights off cataclysmic threats to her kingdom as often as you do, you're awfully jumpy." Twilight gave Jack an annoyed look. "Getting kidnapped by a changeling infiltrator in your own home will do that to you." She shot back. At that Jack arched an eyebrow. "Don't you have like. . . legions of human and pony guards protecting you at all times?" He asked, recalling the last time he'd seen Twilight on an official visit to the human world on TV. Twilight rolled her eyes. "That's only when I'm visiting Earth officially. Nocreature knows I'm here, not to mention the kidnapping happened before I even knew Earth existed. Back home I keep pretty minimal security, I like my privacy. Besides, if I can't handle something attacking me, it's not very likely that a few guards will make a difference." Jack shrugged. "Guess that makes sense. So, back to my original question." Here Jack gestured at the shelf full of games. "Anything catch your eye?" Twilight stared at the shelf for a few seconds with a scrutinizing gaze, before levitating one of the game boxes out and over to Jack. "Brute Force." Jack read aloud as he grabbed the box. "Haven't played this one in awhile." Twilight smiled. "Look's like it's up to four players. . . teach me?" Jack just grinned. Cadance hummed a happy tune to herself as she perused Twilight's extensive library. It had been a few hours since she had sent Twilight off on her involuntary romantic getaway, and now was seeing to her own relaxation. Spike was in the kitchen making lunch, and she had just gotten back from the spa. Much as she loved being a mother, wife, streamer, gamer, princess, matchmaker, and demi-goddess, she honestly was grateful to have a weekend to just veg and do nothing. Making a selection Cadance headed for an overstuffed armchair to settle in for a bit of light afternoon reading, followed swiftly by a nap. No sooner had she turned the first page however, than the front doorbell rang. Cadance briefly considered letting Spike get it, but became suddenly curious. Twilight had told Cadance that she had informed all her friends that she would be busy that weekend, and the School of Friendship was closed for summer break. Starlight and her friends weren't around, and Spike would have told her if he was expecting visitors. Igniting her horn, Cadance teleported to the entryway just as the bell rang for the second time. Not thinking anything of it, she threw open the door. As she surveyed the handsome stallion and the young foal in his arms Cadance's emotions did several fascinating gymnastics. Surprise performed a standing jump, cartwheeled into confusion, backflipped into momentary delight, before transitioning into an elaborate roll of trepidation that ended in a painful crash into the hitherto unnoticed balance beam of absolute panic. At the sight of a smiling Shining Armor and cooing Flurry Heart. "SURPRISE!!" Shining declared, as Cadance struggled not to let so much as a hint of her feelings show on her face. Cadance loved her husband. Simple as that. He was honestly the only Stallion she could ever imagine herself with. He was handsome, kind, thoughtful, caring, a wonderful father, and a true partner to her. She had had countless stallions, mares, men and women from across two worlds make eyes at her even after she was married. Wherever she went, they would try in vain to impress her. Lavishing her with gifts and compliments and showing off in every way conceivable. Be it through a toned muscular physique, immense wealth, or political power. Some were deep, most were shallow, and all were completely wasting their time. Because compared to her Shining, other suitors were so lackluster they may as well have been tacky lawn ornaments that had somehow acquired the power of speech. Shining truly was Cadance's one and only true love. He was also damn good in bed, which came in handy when your job was as stressful as hers was. Unfortunately, there was no such thing as a perfect pony. And while Cadance would declare under pain of death that Shining Armor was as close to perfect as a lover and partner could get. . . he wasn't flawless. And unfortunately, if Cadence had to point to his biggest flaw, it was how overprotective he could be toward his sister about certain things. More specifically: her relationships with the opposite sex. Most of the time, Shining treated his sister like the capable adult mare she was. However, say one word about a stallion being in her life, and suddenly Shining acted like his sister was still a filly. He maintained that Twilight wasn't old enough for a relationship, and would flip out at the mere suggestion that Twilight might have a special somepony in her life. Once, Twilight had bought a book while visiting them in the Crystal Empire, and the bookseller had winked at Twilight in front of Shining. It had been meant as a friendly gesture, but in response, Shining had growled, actually growled, at the bookseller like an angry timberwolf. And when he found out about Flash Sentry, it had taken Cadance and Twilight combined to stop him marching into the Canterlot barracks and committing a murder. The situation was not at all helped by the fact that Shining was a little suspicious of humans. He didn't hate them, heck it would be a severe stretch to even say he disliked them. Unfortunately, he was a military stallion, and humanity's history didn't exactly lend itself to a positive impression from a threat assessment standpoint. Never mind that even the weakest pony could out-muscle a human by a country mile, or that most humans seemed to have a natural instinct to be savagely protective of ponykind. Because as far as Shining was concerned, humanity was too dangerous and unpredictable not to look at with pragmatic suspicion. Which did no favors to Cadance's current predicament. "SHINY!" Cadance greeted, hoping her joy didn't sound nearly as manufactured to her husband as it did to her. "What are you doing here?! I thought you were going to hang out with your friends at the castle this weekend?" Shining shrugged. "Had to cancel. Their train from Manehatten had to turn back because the rails were damaged by a Tazelworm Migration. Apparently it happens every few hundred years. What are the odds right?" Cadance called upon a lifetime of diplomatic training to force a genuine looking smile to her face. "That does sound pretty crazy." She remarked, with a laugh that she prayed to Celestia above didn't sound nervous. "So I decided to grab Flurry Heart, hop on the train to Ponyville, and surprise you." Shining declared with a winning smile, that on any other day would have earned him a kiss just because. "Well, I certainly am surprised." Cadence declared, her mind racing. "So where's Twilight?" Shining asked, glancing past Cadance and into the castle. "I thought you said the two of you were gonna hang out together?" "Uh, friendship emergency!" Cadance stated, just a little too loud. Shining chuckled at that. "Yeah that sounds about right. I hope at least she won't be gone too long?" Cadance immediately pounced on the opportunity. Adopting a slightly forlorn tone as she replied. "I don't know." She declared with a heavy sigh. "Honestly it sounded pretty bad, I was actually worried it might just be me and Spike my whole visit." Instantly Shining's expression turned sympathetic. "Really?! That's terrible! I'm so sorry honey, I know how much you were looking forward to this." Cadance waved away her husband's concern, pretending to hide her pain. "It's fine, you and Flurry are here now." She stated as she planted a kiss on Flurry Heart's nose, instantly making her giggle excitedly. "I'm sure we'll find something fun to do." Here, to fully seal the deal, she shot Shining a highly suggestive smirk. "I already have some ideas." She purred softly, instantly making Shining blush. "Come on in." As they crossed the vestibule, levitating Shining and Flurry's Luggage, Candence fell slightly behind, heading toward the door leading to the kitchen. "I need to get to Spike and warn him before-." Before Cadance could finish her thought, the door opened, revealing Spike. Unable to see Shining and Flurry past Cadance, he immediately spoke up. "Oh, hey Cadance, lunch is ready. By the way, how long do you think Twilight's gonna spend on Earth? I know you can't rush romance, but if her date doesn't wrap up before Monday morning she might miss her costume fitting with Rarity. I know you guy's are all planning to cosplay for the big tournament with Trixie and her team." Cadance loved Spike, he was arguably the best brother in law a mare could ask for. He was kind, thoughtful, steadfast, loyal, and an all around gentledrake. He was a hero to her empire, an exemplar of friendship, and a genuine delight. As a sister in law, she would rather be impaled on a pike than see him come to harm. However, as a mare whose weeks of carefully laid planning had likely just been unintentionally burned to ashes by him, she was finding it very hard not to strangle him. Fortunately Cadance wasn't given the chance to act on her frustrations. As in a flash of magic, she found herself several feet to the right of where she had just been, holding a giggling Flurry Heart. Spike meanwhile, felt himself frozen with terror, as a genuinely unhinged looking Shining Armor glared balefully down at him. "I'm sorry. . ." Shining began, in a voice that sounded no saner than his expression looked. "but where did you say my baby sister was?" Cadance sighed, as she readied the most powerful sleep spell she knew.