Should I just blurt out with the truth regarding my tragic situation? There's bound to be some way I can convince my fellow quadrupeds I'm not the most evil child since that possessed kid who spewed pea soup everywhere in The Exorcist. Nah, they'd probably just think I was insane, and I'd end up in behind bars in the nut house instead of Tartarus.
Hang on... does Ponyville even have a mental institution? And if it does, chances are it's better than being stuck in a cage next to a crusty old centaur. Maybe I have nothing to lose... but everything to gain... it's a real Catch-22 situation right here...
Alas, my cliche-ridden soliloquy was interrupted by cold, hard reality, as I felt a warmly smiling Starlight guide me over to a nearby chair. Considering the wicked soul that inhabited this body before me nearly reduced her to a magic-less husk, she was being far more cordial to Cozy Glow that I would've been.
I shan't go into great detail about how I would've taken sweet, sweet revenge, but here's a sneak peek. It involves chloroform, a reclining chair, a length of rope and lots of sharp, rusty dental implements. You do the math.
"Take your time, Cozy. I understand how all this must be a bit overwhelming, after everything you've already gone through." Starlight continued her friendly tone of voice, and she was absolutely right. Just not quite in the way she intended. "But I really think, if you try and open up a bit, and let us know what's been troubling you, we can make great strides to help you find the right path again. You may not believe me, but a few short years ago I was very much like you are now. Bitter against the world, desperate to shape it as I saw fit, no matter what the cost..."
"...Yeah, yeah. I know all this already. You were abandoned by your bestie Sunburst as a filly, but rather than try to make new friends, you decided to brainwash and enslave an entire village into discarding their Cutie Marks. Makes perfect sense to me... not. Then, after Twilight and co wrecked your alleged paradise, you stalked them for the rest of the season, before getting involved in some goofy time travel hi-jinx that nearly ended in the extinction of all known life. Long story short: you gave up your radical equalist views, changed your hairdo and became a certain alicorn's very own prize pupil. Whoopee for you, but you're not the one whose girlfriend is right now on a date with that mad filly Cozy Glow... oops." So fed up was I at being pandered in such an infantile way, my stream of consciousness went unfiltered from my mouth, until I realised maybe I'd said a bit too much.
This nagging suspicion was somewhat confirmed by Starlight's aghast, ashen face pulling away from mine, whilst my pretend parents just looked very confused. "H-How did you... o-only me and my closest confidantes know... w-when did you find out..."
I have to give credit to the mollified unicorn at this juncture. As soon as her crestfallen expression appeared, it vanished in the blink of an eye. Obviously, keeping a scintilla of professionalism at all times was very important to her, as much as she probably wanted to smack this cheeky upstart right now around the chops. Hey Star, when I return to my old 'handsome' self, d'ya mind if I join you?
"Of course. You had the entire run of the School Of Friendship for at least twenty-four hours, before we took back control. Who knows what else you could've got up to in that time..." Starlight muttered, half to herself. What, you mean like stealing a dimension-hopping device and body-swapping potion from the supply closet? Never! "Everything I went through in life was carefully documented in my personal journal, which I wrote as per Twilight's request as part of coming to terms with my turbulent past. To find out it's location though, read it without permission and reveal it's contents in front of your parents so brazenly though... that just proves one thing to me..."
Oh, great. I really screwed the pooch this time (sorry, Winona). Now I've probably lost the one influential ally I could feasibly say I had in this crazy world. In fact, now she thinks I perused her private diary. she'll no doubt recommend I stay locked up for an extra long stretch. By the time I'm released, even if I do manage to get back to Earth, everyone I know will be dead and the planet will be taken over by a freckled hoofbag... who everyone will think is me. So I'll be hated in the wonderful world of Equestria, and in my own universe too. Ain't life grand?
"... It means you need even more love and support than I thought before you came in!" Out of all the many variations of 'I hate u, u suck, go kill urself' I was expecting to emerge from Starlight's lips, this unprecedented display of magnanimity wasn't anywhere among them. "The fact you went to all that trouble, along with all your other convoluted schemes over the last few months, proves to me that you're desperately searching for validation, but are looking in all the wrong places. It's up to me to help you discover what your true purpose is, no matter how long it takes. To start with, I think we should have thrice weekly therapy sessions, then maybe it that goes well, we can begin more intensive attempts at rehabilitation..."
"...Come again?" I knew that Starlight was doing her best under very trying circumstances, bless her cotton socks. But it all sounded like incoherent psychobabble to me, and if this was some kind of well-meaning penance for failing to convert Chrysalis onto the side of all things cute and fluffy, then it was doomed to failure.
For one thing, judging by the disturbingly warped face Cozy Glow pulled at the end of School Raze, I have my reservations as to whether she could be reformed at all, despite her relatively tender years. And another reason, this one slightly more pertinent: she's lecturing a twenty-something bloke whose worse crime is forging sick notes to get out of gym practice, which isn't quite on the same level as magical genocide.
Unless your moral compass is extremely askew.
"Hang on Ms Starlight, I'm somewhat confused..." after hearing so much nonsensical drivel being spouted over the last few minutes, it was a genuine surprise that Cozy Nook hadn't jumped in earlier. "What was all that about enslaving villages and dystopian time-travel? Also, which 'season' did you follow other ponies around in? That seems quite an odd thing to say, even for my darling Cozy."
"...Not to mention our precious calling herself mad, speaking of herself in the third pony and having a 'girlfriend'." Sky Glow pointed out a few other peculiarities with my speech, before hastily clarifying his words. "I-I mean, I'm as open minded as the next stallion, and I'd love my daughter whatever her sexuality. But isn't nine years old a little too young to be thinking of dating, whatever the gender?"
"Please, settle down." Starlight waved away the pegasi's frantic questions, before things got totally out of control. "Like your daughter, there are some earlier parts of my life where I wasn't exactly a model citizen, but unlike her escapades they're not exactly very well-documented. I would ask you to keep the details of those incidents from a wider audience for now, and in return I promise to explain more why at a later date. All I'll say for now, is that I use them as a strong incentive to make sure that no other colt or filly makes the same mistakes, so rest assured Cozy Glow will get the very best counselling from somepony who's walked in her horseshoes. As for name-checking herself, well you ought to meet my close companion Trixie who does it all the time. It can sound a bit weird at first, but it's a perfectly natural way of expressing oneself, I-I think. Anyway, shall we 'crack on', as it were?"
There then began around an hour of some of the most intrusive grilling you're ever likely to hear from outside a police interview room. With Starlight taking the lead, I was asked repeatedly about my foalhood, my emotional state, my motives for doing what I did... and through it all, I kept my answers as short and sweet as possible, nodding my head at all the relevant parts and using a few speculative head-canons of the show I'd seen online to 'fill in the blanks'.
All things considered, I think it went rather well. I didn't faint, I didn't curse and at no point was I even tempted to run off screaming that I was an unfortunate victim of a new kind of equine identity theft.
...Well, maybe later. Let's see how this all pans out first.
.........................................
And so it was as I was led back to my 'luxury accommodation' afterwards, feeling tired, fed-up and with a very sore midriff where Mummy Dearest had taken it upon herself to squeeze me like a stubborn bottle of ketchup before she was forced to leave.
It took the combined strength of Starlight's powerful magic and Sky Glow's wings flapping at full pelt to remove her from my puny frame, and it was with some reluctance I left her behind sobbing as I was bundled away by the guards.
So what if we're not actually related? I hate to see anyone crying hysterically like that, pony or otherwise. Shoot me. But wait 'til I've returned to my original self, if you please.
In other words, the very last thing I needed right now was some chuckling half-breed in the cell opposite to mine making cryptic comments aimed at yours truly. "So, I hope it went well in there, 'Cozy Glow'. I trust they believed your completely unfabricated story?"
"What's it to you, mush?" I snapped, wondering when my daily gruel was due to arrive. Despite its unappetising sound, at that point I was so hungry I could've eaten a hors... actually, scratch that idea.
"Oh nothing, I was just wondering if those fools had figured out the truth about your real self by now. Fancy being abducted suddenly from your dimension like that, and ending up in the body of a feeble filly. You poor thing..." Tirek continued to eye me mirthfully, a sadistic gleam reflecting from his wrinkled eyes.
It was then I stopped worrying about din-dins and spun around anxiously to face the smug hybrid head on. "I-I have no idea what you're talking about, you crazy old geezer. It's a-me, Cozy Glow. Evil plot hatcher and curly-hair stylist extraordinaire. I don't know who you think I am, but maybe it's about time to get those cataracts looked at."
If it'll been my intention to intimidate Tirek in any way, shape or form, then my pathetic posturing would appear to have backfired spectacularly. He regarded me with an unimpressed glower, before matter-of-factly saying. "I suppose, if I didn't have cast-iron proof, your current switch in personality and tone could be put down to the after-effects of concussion. But as it is, it's just the final piece of a puzzle that's now been completed. Now, I have just one thing to tell you..."
Oh no. It really is fill-your-trousers time now, isn't it? If I was wearing any, that is. Out of all the creatures of Equestria who could've come round to believing me, why did it have to be this guy? And what is he going to do with this priceless knowledge? I braced myself for what he was about to say next...
"Hello. My name is Tirek, but you may call me 'Lord Tirek'. 'The Rightful Ruler Of This Wretched World' works for me, too. And who, if you'll pardon the question, might you be?"