//------------------------------// // 319 - Method Acting // Story: Lateral Movement // by Alzrius //------------------------------// Peering around the corner nervously, Funshine glanced right for several seconds before looking in the opposite direction, fidgeting in his ill-fitting suit of armor before shaking his head. “I don’t know.” “How can you not know?!” hissed Slip ‘n’ Slide quietly. “How hard is it to see if there are any stairs down or not?!” “All the doors are closed!” protested Funshine softly, turning away from the T-intersection and glaring at his brother in irritation. “I don’t have X-ray vision!” “This is bad,” frowned Granola Bar. “Even if only a few of the rooms on this floor are occupied, if we start opening doors at random then it’ll only be a matter of time before we stumble into one with somepony in it. But if we take too long, they’ll figure out that we’re missing.” “Well great! That’s just great!” Slip ‘n’ Slide threw his forelegs upward in exasperation. “We survived Vanhoover and all its monsters, only to be done in because we couldn’t find our way out of one lousy castle! That’s not exactly how I envisioned our adventure coming to an end!” He shook his head in disgust, stomping a hoof. “We should have just gone out the window.” “That would’ve been too dangerous,” replied Fencer evenly. She didn’t begrudge Slip for complaining, knowing that it was his way of trying to steady his nerves. “Even if it is nighttime, we would have been much too exposed. Not to mention that a fall from this high up would have been very dangerous, if not deadly.” She paused for a moment, desperately trying to recall the route they’d taken when they’d been brought into the castle. It shouldn’t be that hard to remember, she knew. It was barely an hour ago. But she hadn’t been paying close attention at the time, too shaken from what had happened with Princess Cadance and Pillowcase. Nor had she been the only one, as her friends had all exchanged sheepish glances when she’d asked if any of them remembered the way out. “Let’s head right and keep moving. If we’re lucky we’ll find something that looks familiar.” She didn’t mention what would happen if they weren’t lucky, knowing that Granola Bar was right about time not being on their side. With Funshine leading the way – “guarding the prisoners,” at least in appearance – the five of them turned right and kept walking, trying to act like they weren’t tense. “I still say that fern’s leaves would have held us,” muttered Granola Bar. “We would have had to go one at a time, but if we’d tied them all into one long rope and climbed down it we could have made it.” “Making a rope out of all those leaves would have taken forever, and they probably would have snapped anyway,” groused Slip ‘n’ Slide, conveniently forgetting that he’d just been in favor of climbing out the window a few seconds ago. Instead, he frowned at how Funshine was fidgeting again. “Stop that! Real members of the Royal Guard don’t do that!” “Yeah, well, I bet real members of the Royal Guard have armor that fits,” complained Funshine. “I still don’t see why I have to be the one to wear this.” “Because that armor is made for a pony with a heavy build, which rules Slip out,” answered Fencer. “And we can’t do it, since there are no female members of the Royal Guard.” “I’ve always wondered why that is,” muttered Granola Bar, glancing around for anything to help orient themselves. “It’s weird to think that the princesses would only want big, burly stallions surrounding them.” “Right, because you’d rather have short, fat little stallions,” smirked Funshine. Granola Bar cocked her head to the side. “What does that m-, hey!” Fencer, Slip ‘n’ Slide, and Funshine all chuckled at their friend’s uncharacteristic sputtering, but Hopscotch didn’t join them. “I feel bad for that guard we attacked,” she lamented softly, ears folded down. “He was just doing his job.” Quickly latching onto a chance to change the subject, Granola Bar gave the smaller mare a reassuring smile. “He’ll be alright. He’ll wake up in a little while with nothing worse than a headache. And since those ferns we tied him up with aren’t too tough-” “Told you,” snorted Slip ‘n’ Slide. “-aren’t too tough individually, he should be able to get out of that wardrobe just fine by himself.” But Hopscotch didn’t look reassured. “I know, but I still feel bad.” “We all do,” admitted Fencer. “To be fair, most of what happened was his own fault,” noted Funshine. “I mean, yeah, we lured him in there and threw that blanket on him to blind him. But he was the one who panicked and tried to fly, banging his head on the top of the doorframe so hard that he knocked himself out.” “And to think, those guys are supposed to be the toughest ponies in Equestria,” scoffed Slip ‘n’ Slide. “If this had been Vanhoover, being caught unaware like that would have-, oof!” His bellyaching was cut off as Funshine came to a sudden stop, causing Slip to collide with him. “What’s the big idea?” “Shh!” Stepping back from the four-way intersection he’d almost walked through, Funshine held up a hoof in warning, causing the others to fall silent. “What is it?” asked Fencer after a tense moment. “There’s a guard to the right,” whispered Funshine. “Just one. Earth pony. He’s standing in front of a doorway.” “Did he notice us?” Hopscotch couldn’t keep the fright out of her voice. Fortunately, Funshine shook his head. “I don’t think so. If he did, he’d have either come over here or asked if somepony was there.” “Well he’ll definitely notice us if we try to cross the intersection,” noted Slip ‘n’ Slide nervously. “Even if we go straight, he’ll definitely see us! We need to go back!” But Fencer shook her head. “No. This is an opportunity.” Both stallions blinked. “It is?” asked Funshine, confusion written all over his face. Fencer nodded, but it was Granola Bar who answered. “She’s right. Funshine, if you go and talk to him, you can get him to tell us the way out of here!” Funshine’s eyes widened at the prospect. “Huh?! Why me?!” “Because you’re dressed like a member of the Royal Guard,” explained Fencer patiently. “Listen, just go out there and say that you’re a new recruit and that you’ve gotten lost. He’ll tell you where the exit is, and you’ll say thank you and head back toward us. You’ll be fine.” But Funshine didn’t seem reassured by Fencer’s instructions, turning pale beneath his ill-gotten helmet. “I don’t know about this. I’m really not good at acting.” Slip ‘n’ Slide put a hoof on his brother’s flank, his voice reassuring for a change. “Just think of it like that play we did when we were foals, remember? You even played a member of the Royal Guard then.” “Yeah, but I didn’t have any lines in that play!” whimpered Funshine. “I just had to carry a spear!” “And now you don’t have to carry one, and you can write your own lines,” retorted Slip, “so this should be even easier. Now get out there!” Knowing that his brother would only freeze up the more he thought about this, and that every second wasted brought them closer to being capture, Slip ‘n’ Slide reared up on his hind legs and gave Funshine a shove, sending him stumbling into the intersection. The earth pony guard’s reaction was immediate. “Who goes-, oh.” Upon recognizing what looked like another member of the Guard, he made a salute. “Anything to report?” His eyes widening in panic, Funshine made a return salute, his hoof snapping up to his brow with such force that it made his helmet rattle, almost knocking himself senseless. “Ow! I mean, no! Sir! Nothing to report, Your Sir-ness, sir!” The other guard frowned, blinking in confusion as he lowered his hoof. “Uh-huh…” An awkward silence fell as both stallions stood there, one in growing perplexity and the other in awkward fright. “…so,” began the guard after a moment, “what are you doing here then?” Funshine tried to think, to remember what Fencer had told him to say just a few seconds ago, but the information wouldn’t come, leaving him paralyzed as thoroughly as if he’d been struck by a ghoul. “Uh…I, um…” Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see his friends gesturing frantically at him, his brother mouthing something, but without turning to look directly at them he couldn’t make out any specifics. “Er…that is…” “Come to think of it,” added the guard, his brow furrowing, “I don’t think I’ve seen you before. What’s your name?” Breathing so hard he was almost lightheaded, Funshine found himself speaking unconsciously. “Fun-” In his peripheral vision his friends went bonkers, shaking their heads madly. Somehow, the message got through, and he managed to change the rest of what he was saying as the words left his lips, his mind flashing incongruously back to the play he’d participated in as a child. “…-damentally…background…character…” Through the haze brought on by how he was starting to hyperventilate, Funshine was aware of just how ridiculous that sounded, and he could feel himself starting to grow faint. It didn’t help as the guard frowned deeper. “I see…” he said, in a voice that made it quite clear that he didn’t. Worse, his eyes slid over Funshine’s armor a second later. “And did you forget your wings when you changed into your uniform?” “Huh?” In his current state, Funshine was too far gone to even realize what the guard was talking about, only realizing that things were going very, very badly. This is it, he thought despairingly. We’re going to get caught, and it’ll be all my fault! I’ve doomed us all! I’ve- But his recrimination was cut-off as the guard, for reasons beyond Funshine’s understanding, suddenly brightened up, chuckling. “Easy there, fella. Try to breathe. You’re not in any trouble.” The sudden easing of tension was enough to make Funshine calm down, no longer feeling like he was going to collapse as his eyebrows rose. “I’m not?” Still laughing, the guard shook his head. “Look, we’re in a tense situation right now, so I’m sure those first-day pranks are rattling you, but they’re just that: pranks. I mean, the armor?” He pointed at the empty wing-holes on Funshine’s armor. “I got that one pulled on me too, except in my case it was that they gave me a helmet meant for a unicorn.” He pointed to his head, indicating his lack of a horn. “And let me guess, they told you to say that ridiculous name if somepony asked, like it was protocol to be self-effacing and not to upstage the princesses or something like that?” Once again, Funshine took his cue from where his friends were nodding at the edge of his vision, copying the gesture. The guard rolled his eyes, smirking. “Thought so. They told me to say that the Royal Guards have no names, because guards are who we are.” He shook his head, nostalgically. “So if there aren’t any new developments to report, what’re you here for then?” “I-” “No, wait, don’t tell me!” Seemingly having great fun now, the guard grinned. “You wanted to know where the bathroom was, and they told you it was the room with the green door?” Mechanically, Funshine nodded again, and the guard snorted in amusement. “Those guys, they never change. Listen, there is no green door. You need to go down this hallway, take the second left, and it’s the last room on your right, just before the staircase.” “S-staircase?” wheezed Funshine, seizing on that word. “Yep,” nodded the guard. “Can’t miss it. Also…” He lowered his voice, suddenly solemn. “At the end of your shift, the guys’ll probably offer to throw you a small party for completing your first night on the job. Take my advice: don’t drink the punch.” By now having recovered enough to perform basic speech and motor functions, Funshine managed a wooden grin. “R-right. Punch bad.” The guard nodded again. “Exactly. Also, if your armor starts to chafe, I like to use a nice herbal balm-” “Excuse me.” The door that the guard had been standing on opened suddenly, a crystal stallion poking his head out. “Is everything alright? We heard voices, and I wanted to check-” “YOU!” The word left Funshine’s lips before he could stop himself, recognizing the pony that Princess Cadance had brought back to life barely an hour ago. The one that Fencer had killed. Immediately, he brought a hoof up to his mouth, but the damage was done, as both the crystal stallion and the guard looked at him in confusion. “Um, yes?” asked the crystal stallion curiously. “Do I know you?” Shaking his head so rapidly that it almost made him dizzy, Funshine backed away. Unfortunately, this had the opposite effect, as the crystal stallion opened the door wider. “Are you alright?” asked the crystal stallion, apparently concerned with Funshine’s reaction. “You look terribly pale.” For a moment, Funshine thought he was saved. Then he locked eyes with another pony – a non-crystal stallion standing behind the first one – and his eyes widened in recognition. Although he’d never actually spoken to him, he’d seen that pony back at the camp in Vanhoover, doting on the crystal mare who’d lost her husband because of Fencer. Fortunately, the other pony wasn’t wearing a matching expression of recognition, but rather a frown of uncertainty, as if not sure whether or not he knew who he was looking at. Trying to get his legs to work, Funshine lurched backward. “I, uh, I gotta go!” “Wait,” started the crystal stallion, taking a step forward. “If something’s wrong, I might be able to help. I’m a follower of Lashtada, and-” “Sir, you need to stay in your room.” The guard placed himself in front of the crystal stallion. “By order of Princess Cadance.” But the crystal pony refused to step back, frowning. “Princess Cadance would want me to help somepony in need, and so would Lashtada.” “Sir,” started the guard again, his tone taking on a firmer edge. “I’m afraid I have to insist.” The crystal pony pushed past the guard, starting toward Funshine. “If you tell me what’s troubling you, I-” But he couldn’t bring himself to finish, having walked far enough into the intersection that he could now see around the corner, freezing in place. Five feet to his left was the mare who had killed him.