//------------------------------// // 327 - The Root of Desire // Story: Lateral Movement // by Alzrius //------------------------------// Charging through the darkness, Lex ran until he collapsed. It didn’t take very long for that to happen, of course. Although he’d recovered enough to be able to engage in light activity without undue strain, the stress that he’d placed on his body over the last few days was still relatively fresh. But running full tilt was enough of a strain that it took less than a minute to leave him completely spent, particularly since it had only been a few hours since he’d completed the ritual to change Aria into a pony. Aria… Just thinking of her sent a shockwave of emotions through him, as lust, shame, anger, embarrassment, and confusion all warred for primacy in his mind. Each feeling was explosive in its intensity, threatening to overwhelm him completely and making it impossible to think rationally about what had just happened. Instead, all he could do was lie there and try to ride them out, barely able to keep himself quiet as he endured the onslaught of half-formed fantasies and ill-conceived reactions brought on by his out-of-control feelings. He wanted to attack Aria with all of the magic at his disposal, annihilating her utterly for doing this to him. He wanted to confess everything that had just happened to Sonata, urging her not to leave him because of it. He wanted to go back there and finish what he had started, rutting Aria as harshly as he could until she passed out or begged him for mercy. He wanted to scream at all three of the mares back in the train station, imprecating them for their myriad inscrutable behaviors and contradictory actions. He wanted to dig a hole down to the very bottom of the world and bury himself in it, not emerging until another thousand years had passed and this moment had been long forgotten. Lex could do nothing but lie there until – after what felt like hours but surely had been only a few minutes – he felt himself begin to calm down. The surge of emotions hadn’t ended, but their magnitude gradually diminished until he was finally able to regain a measure of control over himself. Groaning softly, he managed to climb into a sitting position, still trying to get his breath back after everything that had just happened. The combination of physical exertion, emotional exhaustion, and the knowledge that he now had to deal with things between himself and the girls in addition to preparing for his meeting with the princesses all combined to leave him feeling utterly wretched. But there was nothing he could do except- Admit that you’re not up to the challenges facing you. The voiceless words made Lex grit his teeth, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to will that rebellious aspect of his own mind away. He had been able to make it obey him, even if only a little, on two separate occasions now. If he could just make it do so a third time…! Aria was right to mock you, continued his tulpa, undaunted despite his concentration. You ran away just like she thought you would. She and Nosey are doubtlessly laughing at you even now. Lex knew better than to respond to the thing, but the image it conjured up was almost physically painful to consider. But that’s nothing compared to how Sonata will react when she finds out what you did. You forgot about her completely in your rush to mount Aria, didn’t you? So much for your so-called love for her. Maybe she should go back to Tall Tale and let Fireflower know that he’s the better choice for her after all. The words cut deep, and Lex almost physically recoiled from the barb. “The implication of hypocrisy on my part is not accurate,” he muttered, unable to keep silent in the face of the tulpa’s condemnation of his actions. “Sonata has given inconsistent reactions to the idea of my being in a physical relationship with other mares!” She’s become upset at every instance of your sharing anything that could plausibly be considered an intimate moment with a female that wasn’t her. She’s been jealous of Nosey for clinging to you, tackled Aria for kissing you, and was upset at you for causing River Bank to strip naked in your presence, among many other precedents. “She didn’t object when I was making what she thought was a sexual advance on Nosey and Aria right in front of her!” Lex struggled to keep his voice down, staring away from the camp as he continued the ill-advised conversation. “Even if I corrected her misperception later, at the time she raised no objection!” For a few seconds, no response came, and Lex dared to hope that for once he’d been able to argue that part of himself into submission. But his hopes were dashed a moment later. And yet she subsequently renewed her objections, suggesting that the singular instance you’re citing was little more than a lapse of judgment on her part, brought about by her desires temporarily confounding her reasoning. Sensing an opening, Lex immediately pounced on what looked like a chance to claim victory in the debate. “If that’s the case, then she has no right to censure me for the same conduct!” But the tulpa’s response was immediate. And yet you claim to be superior to her? The question rocked Lex back on his hooves, and he realized immediately that he’d fallen into a rhetorical trap. He couldn’t claim, as he so often had, to far surpass Sonata in all qualitative measures – save only in regard to social interaction – while simultaneously suggesting that they were equal in their failures. If Sonata had erred in not objecting to what she thought was him attempting to become intimate with Nosey and Aria a few days ago, then he had necessarily erred far worse in trying to do exactly that with Aria just now. This was a setup! Lex realized, eyes widening as he figured out too late that the rogue portion of his consciousness had just outmaneuvered him. It was trying to get me to contradict myself! “No!” Despite knowing that he’d brought this on himself for arguing with the thing, rather than ignoring it and reining in his emotions until it fell quiescent, Lex couldn’t help but look for a way out, refusing to let this stand. “No, this falls within the milieu of interpersonal communication. I cannot be held to a higher standard with regard to my singular area of deficiency.” The words were tinged with desperation, knowing that he very much on the defensive. Is that what you plan on telling Sonata? mocked the voiceless words. That this was a communication failure on your part? Lex couldn’t bring himself to say yes. Aria’s proposition had been so blatant that there had been no misunderstanding her intentions, and she had likewise clearly comprehended and accepted his actions in turn. To suggest that this was akin to the numerous other times where he had missed some sort of invisible social cue was disingenuous, and Lex knew it. But if he hadn’t responded to Aria so strongly because of some sort of misinterpretation, then why…? Frowning, Lex suddenly recalled that he’d been asking himself this exact same question right before he’d lost control of himself: why had Aria’s salaciousness aroused him so much? He’d already ruled out magic. Nor was he inclined to believe that he was simply the sort of stallion whose passions reliably overrode his self-control. He knew he was a pony of strong emotions – the last few minutes being only the most recent example – but to be so completely swept away by concupiscence like that…it wasn’t like him. Or was it? A cold shudder went down Lex’s spine as he realized that, despite how sure he felt about his ability to resist feminine wiles, he had no real basis for making that determination. After all, no mare had ever come onto him as strongly as Aria just had, save only for several days ago in the dockside warehouse when Sonata had all but demanded his affection. Which I eagerly gave her, he recalled uneasily. Was he really the sort of guy who’d jump on any mare who offered herself to him? Unwilling to tolerate that level of uncertainty – bad enough he didn’t understand others, not understanding himself was completely unacceptable – Lex closed his eyes, mentally going back to that alcove in the train station. But instead of Aria, he turned his thoughts to some of the other comely females that he’d met. What if it had been, say, River Bank who’d so eagerly invited him to mount her…? Despite how much she resembled Aria, the thought of River in that position was only mildly enticing, conjuring up nowhere near the same level of maddening lust that the Siren had. Nodding to himself, Lex tried again with another mare that he knew, picturing Fencer that way. As before, the results were muted, and Lex felt a sense of relief run through him. Even so, he kept going, imagining Thermal Draft. That time, the subdued appreciation for her physical attributes was accompanied by a strong sense of guilt, and he banished the thought with a silent curse. Once he was done with the princesses, studying that resurrection spell that the Night Mare had given him was next on his agenda. In the meantime, just one more mare, in order to be absolutely certain. This time he thought of Nosey- And stifled a gasp as he felt his libido immediately roar to life. For a moment Lex could only sit there, shocked and dismayed. Nosey was one of the few ponies that he considered to be a friend, to say nothing of the fact that she was still recovering from the horrors that Xiriel had inflicted on her. The very idea that he’d want to take her the way he almost had Aria, to make her submit to him and then claim her for his own… Cursing under his breath as he felt himself begin to react to what he was imagining, Lex savagely pushed those thoughts away, trying instead to figure out why he was apparently lusting after his girlfriend’s best friend as well as her sister. Unless…unless that was the reason. Both Nosey and Aria had unique relationships with Sonata; could that have had something to do with why he apparently wanted them both so badly? He didn’t see how it could, but then again he hadn’t expected to feel that way toward either of them to begin with, either. Several seconds passed as Lex turned that thought over. Examining that theory gave him time to physically calm down, but yielded no new revelations or insights, and he eventually sighed as he abandoned that line of inquiry. But that left him right back where he started: searching for the reason why he wanted those two so much. The answer still eluded him, and when the mare he loved asked him why he’d almost shared an intimate encounter with somepony that he didn’t love, “I don’t know” wouldn’t be an acceptable answer- Wait…do I love them? Lex froze at the thought, almost afraid to explore the question further. Unbidden, the memory of Fireflower confessing his feelings to Sonata came to mind, and Lex could only imagine how he would have felt if Sonata had reciprocated them. But it was the simplest answer to why he wanted Nosey and Aria so badly. After all, he knew he felt that same degree of lust for Sonata, and that he loved her. If A equaled B, and B equaled C, then A equaled C as well. In which case, he had his answer as to what had come over him before… Shaken, Lex almost didn’t hear the sound of somepony clearing their throat behind him. It was only on the third attempt that he realized that he wasn’t alone, spinning around so quickly that he almost fell over. It was one of the girls, of that he felt absolutely certain- Except that it wasn’t. “Mister Legis? My name’s Fruit Crunch.”