Okay, first things first. In order to enjoy this story, I have to assume you’ve read the original story, have adopted it into your daily routine, and have memorized every detail involved in it.
So, at the end of Wherein the Main Character is an Alicorn OC, we left off with Darkness Awesome settling down in Ponyville with Princess Luna.
What’s that? It was Rarity, not Princess Luna? No, it was Princess Luna, I’m pretty sure. Go re-read the story. I wrote it, after all.
Anyway, so Darkness Awesome has a kid with Princess Luna. This kid is so awesome, Luna dies in childbirth. Then, just to show how awesome this new foal is, he resurrects his own mom, right there in the operating room.
Darkness Awesome immediately says, “This foal is as incredible as I am. His name is to be Darkness Awesome 2.”
Darkness Awesome 2 thinks this name is good and all, but he’s rebellious. He replies, “No, my name is Shadow Incredible.”
Darkness Awesome opens his mouth to object, then decides he’s going to beat his son later. Just like Scootareader’s father did on the day he was born. I remember that, dad.
So, they’re signing out of the hospital, right. And they ask Luna to sign the birth certificate for Shadow Incredible, but then Shadow Incredible says, “Look, I don’t feel safe letting someone else sign for me. We know how identity theft is in the modern day. I’d much prefer that I sign my legal documents.” All the ponies in the hospital stood up and applauded. Like, they grew hands so they could actually clap. That’s how epic it was.
The new family gets home from the hospital, then Shadow Incredible turns to his dad and says, “My special talent is going to be saving the world.” Then BAM! Just like that, a globe that’s on fire materializes on our newborn foal’s flank.
Darkness Awesome is pretty pissed that Shadow Incredible got his cutie mark faster and that it’s not just a pair of sunglasses or some shit, so he hikes Shadow Incredible over his leg and tries to spank him. Shadow Incredible catches Darkness Awesome’s hoof mid-air and says, “Not again, dad.” Then he twists it around and forces Darkness Awesome to the ground and runs away from home.
Rarity, of course, is very distressed about this.
Hey, hey, who’s telling the story here, you or me? Rarity is Shadow Incredible’s mom, otherwise the Shadow Incredible x Princess Luna ship won’t work later. Yeah, that was Luna in the hospital, and she gave birth to him—dude, didn’t you even read the original story? It’s always been Rarity, but he’s got Princess Luna’s genes in him. No, I don’t have to justify myself to you.
ANYWAY, so Rarity is all crying and sad and saying, “My son, why have you abandoned me?” and Darkness Awesome starts crying too and says, “It’s because of my abusive nature that I drove my son away.” I hope you read this story one day, dad, and realize what you did to Scootareader’s psyche. You drove him to write this. It was you.
Shadow Incredible is going around Ponyville at this point, meeting the Mane 6 that love his dad so much and telling them how terrible of a pony he is, despite his having saved the world multiple times. That’s all rendered meaningless when he mentions to them that his father almost spanked him.
First, he went to Applejack. Applejack said, “Now, why in tarnation would he spank a foal? That’s like growin’ somethin’ other than apples. It just don’t make sense.”
Next, he went to Fluttershy, who told him, “It’s okay, I was abused by my father too. Let’s get married.” So they did.
Next on Shadow Incredible’s list was Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash told him, “Kid, you’re awesome, and I’d like to get trained by you personally.” Shadow Incredible, the picture of modesty, politely declined, but referred her to his other various trainees who’d mastered the first level of Shadow Fu and would be more than happy to teach her.
Twilight was shocked to see Shadow Incredible at her door. “Didn’t you, like, get born yesterday?”
Shadow Incredible was offended. “It was today. How could you forget such an important thing? You’ve got a really shitty memory.”
Twilight sobbed into his shoulder, lamenting at her inferior genes and how she would never know what it’s like to have his foal because she’s so pathetic and worthless, so Shadow Incredible gave her a hair from his mane out of pity. This, of course, cheered Twilight up greatly, so she went and put it in her favorite erotic clop novel, which happened to be about Shadow Incredible and was called Fifty Shades of Shadow.
Then, Shadow Incredible went to talk to Rarity.
Damn it, stop interrupting me. For the last time, Rarity is not involved with—okay, you know what? I’m just going to ignore you and continue with the story.
So, Rarity makes him this massive, flowing dress out of spider silk and dragon tears and alicorn blood. It looks spectacular, and he’s dashing in it, but he refuses, citing that it smells like “grandma.” Rarity understands that her work is not up to his standards and tosses the piece of rubbish out the window. It was Twilight’s blood, anyway.
Finally, the last pony on the list: Pinkie Pie. Shadow Incredible knows that his dad loves this pony, so he’s determined to hate her. He shows up at her door, then Pinkie Pie opens it and says, “Hey, Shadow Wado—” then she gets socked in the face for trying to butcher our protagonist’s sexy name. Apparently, Pinkie Pie is extremely easy to hate.
Shadow Incredible looks over the door, where Pinkie Pie is writhing on the floor in pain, and says, “I know why my dad likes you now. He’s such a fag.” Then he walks away, leaving the pony to wallow in her own blood and potentially die without medical attention, because Shadow Incredible’s hooves have this special magical property that when they hit you, your wounds will never heal and you have to drink this special antidote that can be made only by him and he likely won’t want to save Pinkie Pie’s life when they invariably ask him to.
Shadow Incredible then seeks out Cassandra, who's meditating under a waterfall and using her focus to stop molecules. They nod at one another respectfully, then Shadow Incredible asks, “Is it cool if I ship myself with you?”
Cassandra tells him, “No.”
Shadow Incredible, not used to being rejected, gallops away with silent tears streaming down his face. Cassandra continues her meditation unperturbed.
After the emotionally scarring events of that morning that would leave a lasting impact on Shadow Incredible’s life based on his close intimate relationship with Cassandra that ultimately ended up in rejection and would prevent him from loving another mare in quite the same way ever again, he's ready to go prove to his father just how much he’s earned his cutie mark.
So, he packs up his belongings, places them inside a small blanket, then ties the blanket to a stick. He'll have to travel lightly if he wants to get to Canterlot by sundown.
So, Shadow Incredible is starting his journey, then he runs across these diamond dogs. They just burrow up all around him and attack him. Shadow Incredible’s mind lets him slow the reality around him, no magic even needed—it’s just who he is, a natural ability. So, he uses that as they’re jumping toward him, then he takes the sack he’s got slung over his shoulder, sets the bag down on the ground, and swings the stick around, hitting all three dogs in one swing. He then continues walking like a complete and total badass as the diamond dogs sit on the ground wondering what possessed them to attack such a complete and total badass.
After the events of that morning, Shadow Incredible is awfully hungry, but he doesn’t want to use up the food he stuck in his bag (which conveniently reappeared on his stick, since he can’t possibly have forgotten his bag back at the diamond dog ambush site), so he decides he’s going to go get a fish.
Shadow Incredible beats his wings once, twice, then dives into a nearby stream, pulling out a fish about three times as big as he is. He then puts the entire thing in his mouth and spits out the whole fish skeleton, polished and ready for display. He discards the piece of trash and continues on his way.
So, he makes it to Canterlot faster than expected. In fact, it’s only midday; he only took about an hour or two to make it. I know this has been a little overplayed, but that’s badass.
So, when Shadow Incredible gets there, it’s under attack by changelings. This happened almost a century ago when his father fought them, but Darkness Awesome ultimately failed and the changelings overran Canterlot. This time, Shadow Incredible is present to prevent his father’s mistake again and finally clear his name.
So, he finds Chrysalis hiding in the midst of her army and totally bangs her.
Chrysalis, after being shown the light, apologizes profusely for trying to invade and immediately goes back to the Changeling Kingdom. Equestria is saved once more by Shadow Incredible!
Since he’s in the area, Shadow Incredible decides he’s going to head into Canterlot, despite it being his initial destination and him needing to seem more like a badass by strolling past where royalty lives, but he needs to pay a visit to Celestia and Luna and give them proper greeting. One of them is family, after all.
He enters the throne room, where Celestia and Luna are sitting on their respective thrones. Celestia immediately rises and bows to him. “O greatest and most powerful one, He whose name I feel humbled to even know, the great Sir Shadow Incredible, on behalf of my kingdom, I wish to bestow upon you the greatest honor which can be given by me, and that is the title of Savior of Equestria. It would humble me even more were you to accept. Would you honor us with your ultimate grace?”
Shadow Incredible replies, “Fuck you, grandma.”
Princess Luna is smitten with Shadow Incredible. She declares, “We wish to make foals with thou!”
Shadow Incredible, of course, agrees. Luna is the hottest alicorn around, and completely unrelated to him, after all. So, he just busts out for a night or two and he and Luna do it, like, 14 times, only ever stopping because Luna is exhausted. Shadow Incredible is like a marathon runner in bed. By the time he departs, she’s pregnant with four foals. Different ones, too, not quadruplets or anything. Yeah, he’s that potent. And he took her virginity.
Shadow Incredible leaves Canterlot Castle to the raucous cheering of the flash mob which assembled after hearing him finally finish inside Luna nearing the end of the second day, the bards and the singers all composing their songs of praise and the lusty mares fainting upon sighting him. Shadow Incredible, the picture of self-control, only smiles and nods to his legions of zealous fans. He’s lived long enough to know that fame shouldn’t go to a pony’s head.
After departing Canterlot, Shadow Incredible decides he’s going to head to the Crystal Empire. He hasn’t even been alive a full day—eh? Yeah, he took two whole days to finish—hey, no, stop. This is his first day alive, and that’s that, despite what “evidence” you may have to the contrary. Just enjoy the story for what it is, and that is a magnificent, moving piece of art, designed to make you laugh, cry, and feel the experiences of Shadow Incredible just as surely as if they were your own. You shouldn’t overthink your own life, so why are you trying to overthink his? We have plot holes in our own lives, after all, so it’s not your place to judge him for his.
Anyway, so he’s heading to the Crystal Empire. He wants to meet his aunt Cadance, who isn’t really related to him, but her worthless husband Shining Armor is. This is probably the greatest regret which Shadow Incredible has in his life—that he’s related to such a lazy piece of crap. Sweet Celestia, Shining Armor, why don’t you do something for once.
So, Shadow Incredible just strolls into the Crystal Empire, where there’s an entire squadron of lusty fanmares wanting to take his virginity. He’s like, “Look, I’m less than a day old. My body is ready, but my heart isn’t.” They fall in love with him even more because he’s so wise and profound and willing, and they agree that they will someday fight for his love.
Shadow Incredible continues on, then makes it to the throne room, where Cadance sits casting magic barriers and defending her kingdom from Sombra’s volcanic emissions, and Shining Armor is lying on a fancy couch eating fried mayonnaise balls and grapes and laughing at an episode of Two and a Half Stallions, letting his exhausted wife push herself to the limits to let him lay around.
Shadow Incredible takes his horn and rams it into Shining Armor’s side, the bony appendage nearly getting absorbed in his fat rolls, but managing a yelp and a shaky rising to hooves of the stallion. He simply tells the fat douche, “GTFO. You’re worse than Scootareader’s unemployed brother.”
Shining Armor opens his mouth to protest, so Shadow Incredible just wraps him in magic and flings his fat ass out the door.
Cadance, of course, is smitten with Shadow Incredible. I mean, who wouldn’t be? She tells him, “Thanks for that. I only married him because he was related to you, but I see now that I should divorce him and save myself for you. Thank goodness I never let him try to give me foal.”
Shadow Incredible smiles suggestively. “What was that you said about saving yourself for me?”
So they bang.
Afterward, he departs the Crystal Empire, Cadance weeping over the long, lonely nights she’ll have to spend waiting for his return.
The Sun is starting to dip a little low in the horizon, so he decides it’s about time to head home. On the way back, however, he encounters King Sombra. The fallen king approaches Shadow Incredible cautiously, but Shadow Incredible is having none of it. He jumps and tackles the stupid pony, pointing his horn at his chest and making it glow with a deadly green light. “How dare you show your face after slaughtering my entire family!”
Sombra’s face registers shock. “How did you know?”
“It was obvious,” Shadow Incredible retorts.
So, King Sombra, in massive pussy fashion, breaks down into tears. What a pussy. “I’m your father, Shadow Incredible.”
Shadow Incredible is shocked. “What... imposs—” then recognition dawns on him as to how this would work, and no one questioned Scootareader, the author, for this twist in the story. “I’m sorry I was such a dick to you, dad.”
“It’s okay, son. There’s still a fair going on today, if you’d like to go with me.”
“Do I!” So, Shadow Incredible and King Sombra go have a night on the town at the Ponyville Fair, including Shadow Incredible’s first time on a ferris wheel, something that Scootareader’s father should have done, but never did. And they had a great time. And Scootareader has still never been on a ferris wheel.
At the end of the day, King Sombra makes a confession. “Shadow Incredible, I’m sorry I walked out on you and your mother. It is one of the greatest mistakes I made in my life, and I wish I could go back and do it over again.”
Shadow Incredible replies, “Fuck you, dad.” Then he walks away, leaving King Sombra behind, and never sees him again.
From where he’s reading the story, Scootareader’s father breaks into tears. “I should have been more loving to my son when I had the chance. I could learn a lot from the relationship between King Sombra and Shadow Incredible.”
So, Shadow Incredible gets home to where Rarity is touching herself while waiting for her son's return, and she starts planting kisses all over his body, but totally not in that “I wanna bang my son” kind of way but that “I know my son is hot but I still gotta be his mom because I gotta pretend incest isn’t what immediately came to mind” kind of way. Shadow Incredible grits and bears it, knowing his mom wants him, but too cool to let incest be a thing for him.
His father, Darkness Awesome, then comes up. “I’m sorry, son. It was wrong of me to think you couldn’t save the world. I read about your deeds in the morning paper and heard about them on the morning news, but I never realized just how much I admire you. I could learn a lot about the story of father and son with Darkness Awesome and Shadow Incredible.”
Shadow Incredible then socks his dad in the face. “Fuck you, dad.”
Darkness Awesome bursts into tears. “I deserve that. I deserve everything you give me, because I’m a worthless child-abuser like Scootareader’s father, and I at least acknowledge my shortcomings after the fact, unlike that other douchebag.”
Shadow Incredible nods. “As well you should, asshole. I hope you learn your lesson in the dungeon.” Then he locks Darkness Awesome in a dungeon, where the faggot never sees the light of day again.
And so, Shadow Incredible and his lovely wife Princess Luna settle down in Ponyville, completely unlike what happened in the original story. They still say that Shadow Incredible still saves the world every once in a while, but he’s really just a family stallion now, as he’s always wanted to be.
And this was just the first day of his life.