A 3022 Cluxi Dragon Hunt
***
“Sir, the dragon has just kidnapped the Muffin Bearing Bearer of Muffins on her way to the Zebrican embassy,” reported the messenger.
“What!?! I had ten elite guards in her carriage!” roared the King of Chaos, Discord.
“Well, to be fair sir, you did give them quite a bit of cider for the trip.”
“What are you implying? That they all just decided to go take a potty break at the same time?”
“What else could I have implied? But the issue still remains that we must defeat this foul creature.”
“Hmmmm… I will send for my most skilled knight of the Irregular Quadrilateral Table, an earth pony known as Sir Five Right, to fix this. Then, this beast will no longer be an issue and the muffins will be safe.”
***
Discord was having an off day. All he wanted to do was send a complementary muffin basket to the zebras so that they would have something to go with the chocolate milk rain he scheduled on their continent, but apparently a dragon had to go and mess it up. The one species he couldn’t directly affect with his magic. Why did bad things always happen to him? Next thing you know somepony will be trying to turn him to stone, or something silly like that. Well, at least the recently set up Knights of the Irregular Quadrilateral Table would be able to solve this problem.
***
When Sir Five Right arrived at the castle, he and Discord set up a battle strategy to get rid of the accursed dragon. Luckily, Discord knew several trustworthy trolls and witches that could assist them. It was just that they were all really far away. At least Discord wasn’t the one who had to do the travelling.
“Sir Five Right, first you must cross the four hundred thirty two cluxi Sandy Desert of Sandiness to reach the High Mountains of Highness. From there-" began Discord
“Excuse me sir, but how long is a cluxi?” inquired Sir Five Right.
“You mean clux. Cluxi is the plural form. But grammar aside, WHAT!? You don’t know how long a clux is? Where were you educated, my dear colt? Cluxi have been the standard unit of measurement in the Discordian empire since I made them up about a minute ago.”
“Ah, sorry sir, I really should have known. But could you still answer how long one is?”
“About ten of my body lengths. But as I was saying, before a certain someone rudely interrupted,” Discord spoke between clenched teeth at Sir Five Righ. At the sight of Five Righ’s trembling though Discord started chuckling uncontrollably, muttering ‘your face though, your face...’. Clearing his throat, Discord began again “You must go a further five hundred ninety-six cluxi to reach the Dark Troll of Darkness’ cave. The Dark Troll of Darkness, whom you must address as Billy, will give you directions to get to the Almighty Sword of Mightyness. You’ll know which one Billy lives on because it has a house on top of its pinnacle. Honestly though, the sword will probably be doing most of the work on your quest, so make sure you get it. After retrieving the sword, you must set off to find Vile Witch of Vileness, Suzy. She lives in the Swampy Swamp of Swampiness. You must travel another three hundred twenty-one cluxi to her apartment. She lives on floor two, room fourteen. I will provide you with my finest mule, Jake, for the one thousand six hundred forty eight cluxi journey to ride on. She knows where the dragon lives,” instructed the King.
“But sir, why would I ride on top of an intelligent creature that I can move faster than? And what kind of foul creature could have come up with the strange and down right disturbing names, not the titles mind you which are perfectly respectable, those creatures posses?” inquired Sir Five Right.
“Do not question me, for all shall be understood in due time. Now go, my noble knight!” spoke the often rightfully accused, and often shamelessly confessed, maniac. Only after watching his faithful servant leave did he realize that he could have just teleported the guy everywhere he needed to go and just have let him skip the journey. Oh well, what's a all-powerful chaos god to do in these types of situations?
***
Already off, wishing to spend no more more time than necessary with his creepy employer, Sir Five Right set off across the Sandy Desert of Sandiness. He battled many a fierce desert mouse, and ate only the finest stale bread and moldy cheese that Discord had packed him, forcing Jake to eat only the lush green cacti with soft, easily removed spikes. He went for hours upon hours without water in the blistering heat, until he decided to have a drink from the Hydrating River of Hydratingyness that ran parallel parallel to his journey.
After many a days exactly which need no more description, he and Jake finally made it to the High Mountains of Highness. Travelling through the treacherous mountain range, fending off the Massive Roc of Massiveness, by feeding it bread crumbs while sitting on an out of place park bench, was incredibly difficult. Eventually though, he found the mountain with a house perching precariously on a pointy pinnacle. After completing the long, dangerous, one clux ascent up the mountain, he knocked on the Dark Troll of Darkness' Billy's door.
“Mighty dark troll, what must I do to earn the knowledge of the location of the Almighty Sword of Mightiness?” asked Sir Right Hooves.
“You must assist me in something that just the thought of makes grown stallions cry. A task so dangerous none have succeeded and lived to tell the tale. A quest so foolhardy to accept that it is a metaphor for stupidity, similar to leaving sharpened garden tools in sheds where anyone can steal them. You must… give me a relaxing foot massage!” commanded Billy.
“Ahhh, no, not that, anything but that!” cried Sir Five Right in fear.
“You insolent mortal, you insult my feet! I would kill you on the spot - except I do love a good foot massage.”
Sir Five Right began the most dangerous task of his life. There were perils around every toe, and danger in every tense muscle. After grueling hours of this, it was over.
“Dark Troll of Darkness Billy, where is the Almighty Sword of Mightiness located?” asked Sir Five Right.
“Only eleven cluxi north, yes I’ve heard them it’s not like I was raised in a respectable household, away from your castle. On top of a big rock. You can’t miss it,” informed Billy, watching Five Right’s incredulous expression as he said the recently invented unit of measurement.
Deciding to head to the swamp before fetching the sword, as not to go back and forth too many times, he set off to visit Suzy the Vile Witch of Vileness in the Swampy Swamp of Swampiness. He traveled through murky, fetlock deep water. He fought off non-venomous, quarter clux long snakes. He swung across the Deep Chasm of Deepness, known for it’s philosophical outlook on existence, on vines. He gazed upon the magnificence of nature during his lunch breaks. Eventually though, he made it Suzy's hut. Approaching it, he knocked on the door.
“Welcome. Have you come seeking the location of the dragon?” asked Suzy, opening the door.
“Wow. How did you know that? Can you read my mind?” asked the amazed Sir Five Right.
“No. Your nametag says King’s Official Dragon Slayer.”
“Smart. So can you tell me the location of the dragon’s lair?”
“Yes.”
“So where is it?”
“Where is what?”
“The dragon cave.”
“What about the dragon cave?”
“Where is it?”
“Where is what?”
Groaning in frustration at Suzy’s uncooperativeness, Sir Five Right made things very clear. “Where is the dragon cave?”
“Why would I tell you the location of the dragon cave? I haven’t even met you before now. For all I know you could be insane, possibly even a door-to-door salespony, not that there's much of a difference. I mean, I suppose there are a few tasks I have that you could do for me in exchange, but I’m sure you would never agree to them,” replied Suzy, looking quite smug in her ability to annoy anypony who are not extremely specific in what they want from her.
“Fine, I’ll do whatever you want, just tell me where the dragon lives!”
“Great. Now, this task will be more deadly than anything you have ever experienced before, more frightening than your worst nightmares, and will leave a bad taste in your mouth it will become a permanent part of your genetic makeup and all your descendants will suffer from it. You must… test some of my new recipes. I am thinking of opening a vegetarian deli.”
“Okay then. That doesn’t sound bad.”
The witch grinned.
Sir Five Right ate her food, including imitation snail and toadstool soup, and pickled tofu snake sandwich. He had finely aged cheeses, despite having never acquired the taste, and ingested salads made with various forms of lichen. Barely managing not to puke his guts out, he asked once more where the dragon lived.
“The location of the dragon’s lair is two cluxi north of your castle. It’s the cave with all the bones out front. You can’t miss it,” said Suzy simply, using no dramatic flair befitting the occasion whatsoever
After a treacherous journey, Sir Five Right arrived at the dragon’s lair.
“Fear me, dragon! For I have come to sla-,” was what Sir Five Right managed to say before he got interrupted.
“Yada, yada, yada. You know how many knights have ever succeeded in slaying me?” asked the dragon in a deep, but oddly feminine, voice. After a long pause, in which Sir Five Right began to suspect it wasn’t actually a retorical question, he answered.
“Uh, none, uh, ma’m?” guessed Sir Five Right in a questioning tone, suspecting this wasn’t how dragon slayings were supposed to happen.
“That’s right! So what makes you different from every other pony who’s ever attempted to kill me?”
"Well, uh, ma'am, I uh, am the official dragon slayer of King Discord, and I, uh, work really hard?" half asked, half stated Sir Five Right, unsure why he's giving his résumé to a creature he was going to kill.
"Very impressive, but you're competition is pretty steep. She brings muffins to the table. Literally," said the dragon. "Actually, I have a perfect idea for how to choose between the two of you." Turning back to her cave she shouted "DIPPY HOOVES! COME OUT, I'VE DECIDED ON HOW TO DECIDE WHETHER YOUR GETTING THE JOB!"
Eyes opening wide, Sir Five Right watched the most beautiful mare he ever laid eyes upon come out. A pegasus with a pale yellow coat with an iron gray mane and tail, she had a muffin basket cutie mark. Instantly he knew she was the Muffin Bearing Bearer of Muffins.
"This is how I will decide who will have the honor of killing me. You both will go through one of the most grueling missions ever thought up, a true test of-" began the dragon.
"Excuse me, but I already heard that type of thing twice and I'm not in the mood for it anymore. So how about you just let take the Muffin Bearing Bearer of Muffins back to Discord and we can all forget about this," interrupted Sir Five Right.
"Yeah, I really only wanted to slay you because I was having a midlife crisis. I''m all good now, and am happy to leave," agreed the Muffin Bearing Bearer of Muffins.
"Well, okay, if you're sure. But mark my words, one day I will return and you'll regret not having slain me."
At that, the two ponies left. The muffins were delivered to Zebrica, Discord never found out that the dragon lived- in Sir Five Right's lifetime anyways-, and the Muffin Bearing Bearer of Muffins and Sir Five Right got married, using Jake as their eternal servant on which they rode everywhere, not bothering to walk. Sir Five Right was recorded in history as The Dragon Slaying Knight of Slaying Dragons by the Redundant Scribe of Redundantness. It was a happy ending through and through, ignoring the fact Discord was currently still in rule causing chaos across the globe. Everything ended swell with no loose ends.