//------------------------------// // A New Home // Story: The Epic of Half-Wit // by Night Spark //------------------------------// A New Home: Half-Wit was just plain unlucky. At birth his parents thought he was born with a disorder because he looked funny. He wasn't ugly...he just looked really different...in a funny way. At school he somehow always found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time. If a desk broke? He sat in it. If the food tasted bad? He threw up on the prettiest mare in class. If the school’s plumbing broke? He would be trapped in the restroom for 7 hours. Despite such terrible luck Half-Wit held a positive outlook on life. He always told himself that somewhere out in Equestria, there was some pony else who had equally bad or worse luck than him. If that pony he had never met and might never meet could handle it…so could he. The train started to slow down as Ponyville came into view. Half-Wit leaned forward as the inertia did its job. His eyes fixed on the town that would be his new home. He thought of what activities and culture the town held. Was Ponyville simple and laid back? Did it have a night life? What were the bathroom soaps like? Did they moisturize and cleanse? Because moisturizing and cleansing are equally important. These thoughts and many other life changing questions circled around in his mind until the train whistle blew. The train had stopped. As he exited the train a breeze had hit him square in the face. It smelled like… …Burnt Cheese and moldy hay? The pony in front of him muttered something that sounded an awful lot like the word safety. Half-Wit groaned and headed to the baggage cart. One of the train worker ponies was handing out the luggage. After waiting for what felt like half an hour Half-Wit approached the large stallion. “Uh…excuse me…um…do you see any other luggage in there? A dark blue suitcase?” The large pony looked inside the cart. After finding nothing, he pulled out a clipboard. As Half-Wit waited, the pony searched through the passenger list to see which passengers luggage had been checked. He looked at Half-Wit. “…What’s your name pal?” “Half-Wit and yes, I’m not kidding.” The pony didn’t laugh. He only put on a small smile. A moment later that smile turned to a frown. “Looks like the stupid jackholes in Manehattan mixed up your luggage. They must have sent it on the train to Canterlot. Bad luck pal. No worries though. I’ll file the missing baggage claim for you and you should have your stuff in a week or two. Stay shiny kid.” The stallion slammed the train’s doors. Half-Wit hung his head low and groaned. No luggage meant no money. No money meant no meals or shelter. No shelter meant not finding out whether or not the soap both moisturizes hooves and cleanses them. Ah well…it’s not like there isn’t a pony having an even worse day… I’ll manage. I guess… Half-Wit entered the town. As he did he noticed how peaceful everything looked. Ponies were laughing and smiling. The sun was shining bright and the air no longer smelt like burnt cheese and moldy hay! He had to see more. As he lifted a hoof to continue entering the town, he heard a pony scream. “Derpy no! Don't touch-" An explosion formed a fireball in the sky. One of the clouds was set ablaze and began to bellow smoke. Burning debris burst outward from the windows and fell to the ground. Before Half-Wit could question how a cloud was burning, he noticed a smoldering object heading his way. Rather than attempting to move out of the way he just sighed. With his luck he figured moving out of the way would multiply his bad luck and just make things worse. Yeah I don’t know if it makes sense either… Just as the object was about to slam into him he felt his instincts telling him to put his front hooves up. He obeyed his instincts and caught the object perfectly. It still sent him flying back a few meters and really hurt his behind but…otherwise he was unharmed. …strange… While on his back he observed the strange object he had caught. It turned out to be a mare. A gray mare with a golden mane and eyes to match it. She smiled at him and bit her bottom lip. Her crossed eyes glistened as some sunlight shined on them. Something about the mare gave him a weird feeling. She was certainly pretty but he didn’t think he had a crush on her. She just gave off a vibe. A vibe that made him feel more welcome in this small town than anywhere else. Which was strange considering she plummeted into him like a meteor, and still had a small patch of burning fur on her flank near her cutie mark. Maybe…I’m dead? Maybe she’s an angel pegasi whose come to take me away? Yeah right… He patted the small fire on her flank out which immediately caused her to blush. He smiled awkwardly. How in the buck did she not feel her flank burning and instead felt me patting her? Mares. She was definitely some pony he would like to know. He felt the need to say something. “So…um…uh….the soaps here…do they um…moisturize and cleanse?” He wanted to kill himself. Any other normal stallion would taken advantage of a situation in which they saved a damsel in distress. Half-Wit? He talks about soap. Derpy put on a serious face and looked him straight in his eyes…well…as straight as a cross eyed mare could. She spoke fairly calm for a pony who just fell from the sky. “It depends. Twilight has magical lavender soap that does both. The town hall is always out of soap so don’t go there. Sugarcube Corner disinfects the best but leaves some moisturizing to be desired. I keep a bottle of lotion next to my soap. I find its best to moisturize hooves right after disinfecting them. I don’t know if there are any benefits for doing so but it just feels right.” Half-Wit stared at her with wide eyes. He had always had bad luck but for once in his life he felt like his fortune had changed. He felt that she was something he had never felt: the soft warm skin of a beautiful- …good luck! I have never felt good luck… until this mare. Yeah… good luck… Suddenly her voice became very cheery. Her speaking pattern became fairly simple. “My name is Ditzy Doo. Thanks for catching me… and uh… putting out that fire. Last time I didn’t notice until half the fur on my leg burned off. Anyhow I owe you a muffin so if you want you can-“ A massive gust of wind shot by as a cyan pony appeared in a flash. She had a rainbow colored mane… and looked like she was about to shoot lasers from her eyes. Half-Wit sealed his lips as she spoke. “Derpy! You blew up my house! I buy the first ever invention of my friend Princess stinkin' Twilight and you blow it up… you blow it up!!” The gray mare tightened her grip on Half-Wit. He stayed awkwardly motionless. Derpy turned her head to the cyan pony and spoke in an apologetic tone. “I’m so sorry Rainbow Dash. I didn’t know Hydrogen-Tv’s were flammable! Honest! I just wanted to see the picture better!” Rainbow pulled on her mane. “Then you turn up the brightness! It's a magic tv! They have settings for a reason! For Celestia's sake! Now I don’t know when my home will be safe to live in again. On top of that you nearly killed whoever the buck that is? Who is that? Is his face supposed to look funny Derpy or did you break that too?” Derpy turned back to face Half-Wit. She leaned in closer to him… which was pretty bucking close considering she was already on top of him. She whispered to him. “Hey uh what’s your name?” “It’s Half-Wit.” “ ‘Kay thanks.” She turned back to Rainbow Dash and nearly screamed. The whole town could probably hear her. “RAINBOW HIS NAME IS HALF-WIT! HE’S THE PONY THAT CAUGHT ME!” Rainbow was about to continue scolding Derpy, but instead started to laugh. Her body was shaking violently as she fell to her side and pointed at Half-Wit. Words tried to escape her mouth but came out as gasps and more laughter. Half-Wit face hooved. He gently pushed Derpy off of himself and got up. As he began to walk away he planned on saying something to offend Rainbow but, instead tripped on a small bag and fell down. Derpy rushed over. Wow she’s really nice… She pulled her bag of muffins out from under his hooves and blew a raspberry. “My muffins!” …wonderful. Of course… He got up once more and turned to see a laughing Rainbow on the ground next to him. Her home blew up along with a one of a kind invention… and my name is making her laugh? I suppose that’s good… “Hey Witty, have a muffin!” Witty? I mean… really? Witty? Derpy smiled and held out a small muffin. He observed the shiny pastry. It looked delicious. His eyes rose up to meet hers and time slowed. She nodded and reassured him that he could take the fluffy pastry. He reached out his hoof, while still keeping his eyes on hers. Once again he got that welcoming vibe. Staring into her crossed eyes seemed so…right. Half-Wit felt as if he could look at them for days. His awkward smile appeared on his face once more as his hoof began to grasp the small muffin. The twinkling in her eyes was like watching galaxies collide. I don’t even know what that looks like… fail… The soft breeze carried her warm scent and made her golden mane dance. He didn’t have a crush on her…but she really was pretty. He swore he didn’t even like her a teeny bit. His head was just being its usual dumb self in that it wasn’t so sure that it wanted a muffin so much as her muffin. No that’s not what I am thinking about…have some bucking manners…she’s a nice mare…give her some bucking respect please… His hoof just barely touched the muffin, and then suddenly an orange blur whizzed by on a shiny blue scooter stealing the fluffy pastry. “CUTIE MARK MUFFIN THIEFS!!!”