I don't know if it was pure luck or something other than that. But I didn't freeze to death in this shady, shabby backyard.
Most of the things happened there I gladly couldn't remember. Lots of sobbing, wailing and curling up to a ball of sorrow.
The first thing I clearly can remember was a pink hoof reaching out for me.
"Oh gosh! Here you are!" a female voice I knew from somewhere. The shame burned, knowing someone I probably knew saw me in this state.
"Go away," I drawled. I just didn't want to be seen like this. This failure I had become, this looser unable to keep herself together.
"No!" the pony attached to the pink hoof simply said. It doesn't sound hateful or amused. Neutral, or more concerned. As if anypony was interested in me. Gosh.
"Suit yourself," I muttered, tears welling again in my eyes.
She lowered her body besides me. After a while it felt uncomfortable for me and I looked at her. Pink coat, burgundy mane. I didn't need to see her cutie mark. It was a bunch of grapes and a strawberry. Berryshine.
"What?" I stared at her. Shocked. What was she going to do now? Just moments - or hours ago, I tried to attack her. To hurt her... "Glad about what you see?"
"You seem... as you have a problem," she started blunt. But she caught me in the right state with this.
"Oh. Is that so obvious?" I flailed my hooves against the sky.
"No need to be sarcastic," she simply said.
I tried to give a smart answer. But a wave of bitterness washed over me.
"I ... I am the worst failure ever. I messed up just everything. Lost my house, my job and... horseapples....," the rest got drowned in sobbing.
Suddenly I felt a hoof at my back.
"You are no failure," she tried to calm my rampaging feelings.
"How could you say so? Everything I touch changes to horseapples. You were there this night!" I tried, but it took a while to calm down.
She nodded. But then a smile appeared on her face.
"For example: I like your music. you are one creative pony. So you can't be such a failure."
"Keep it. Please. I haven't done anything since months. Besides new, creative insults for you."
Berry waited another few moments, studying me. She didn't say anything, but her hoof caressed my back, very soft.
"Didn't make any new music, since I had to left my home...," I said after a while.
"Wanna talk now?" she asked, very carefully.
"Gosh! Is this some kind of interrogation? Its obvious. No home y'know. No place to plug in my bass-cannon," I knew that was just the half of the truth.
"I don't buy that. If you had wanted to do something you had found a place to work," Oh. She seemed to know, too. Berryshine shifted her head to the side and waited.
"It all ran downhill since Octavia dumped me," The words were faster then my brain again. Nothing special, as my mind felt like syrup. But this time the better half of my brain had taken the opportunity to do something smarter then to hurt Berry again with words.
For some reason I felt eased by spilling the beans. I told her about my lazy behaviour, Octavias calm but broken voice. Her final words...
The feeling of emptiness in my... in our house. The empty room, her short appearance with her new coltfriend - just to gather her stuff and her rushing off.
And about every mistake and failure I made after that. Drinking. Not caring for anything but the next evening...
Yeah - it was like I don't wanted to accomplish something. Like I needed to fail. Like it just didn't matter any more.
Berry didn't leave me alone the whole time I talked. She didn't interrupt, but every time I looked up to her, she just sat there with a honestly interested look on her face. She even hugged me at the end.
"Now you know it," I closed.
"Gosh. I heard this and that about you and Octavia. But... this is worse than I feared."
"Thanks..." I sneered.
After a pause she spoke again.
"What are you going to do now?"
"Dunno," Right. I had no answer. I just didn't know what to do. Drinking myself to death would be an option... "I am done. There is nowhere to go for me from here."
"Now you are talking nonsense. There is a way every time," Berryshine didn't sound understanding or calming any more. Her voice had gotten a firm tone.
"If you say so..."
"Its about you. Its about what you WANT to do."
"Does wanting to sit here and lament count?" I rolled my eyes.
"If this is really what you need...," I didn't see this coming.
"Tartaros - NO! Are you kidding?" Then I realized what she had done. I began to think about my situation. Not only to cry. But... it was hopeless. Even if I wanted to do something about my mess of a life...
"There is no point in it," I said, "I can't... I ... there is no chance. And even if there would be something... I just mess it up again. I couldn't take it..."
"So... you can't do it for you - as you see yourself as the mess you are at this moment?" Berry looked at me thoughtfully.
"Yeah. Look - I was a complete jerk and unable to do anything right... besides making music. I am just a bucking one-trick-pony. Without... without Tavi I... and and I just treated her like... Gosh. And I treated you... You see what I am?"
"You feel guilty. You think you deserve this?" she said in a questioning tone.
I thought a moment about this. "Yeah."
"Then do something about it. Change. Grow. Ascend."
"Hah! You talking like some psychologist. For what? Even If I -" I parroted her voice "- Change. Grow. Ascend - it won't bring Tavi back."
"No. Propably not. But it would help yourself. And if you can't help yourself for your selfes sake. Then - do it for her."
"What?" I gazed her like a ghost, while a new kind of thought seeped in my mind.
"Do it for her. Be the pony you think she has deserved. I think... you owe her that at least. Lets say as some kind of apology."
I didn't answer. Because I just didn't know what to say. The words lingered in my mind and I examined them from every angle. I realized that Berryshine stood up and turned to walk away. I was too much captured in my own thoughts.
"Do you come?" I probably heard even her second or third call for me.
"What?"
"You won't do anything if you freeze to death tonight. So come on. Lets go home."
Confused I stood up, followed her. Her words still held me captive.
* * *
I awoke with the first rays of the morning sun. And I couldn't even remember to have slept this well in quite a while. Somehow I felt better. Way better. Even the headache wasn't as evil as I had feared. Maybe t'was a good thing to get rid of the moonshine.
After all the days I could see something like a goal. Like a way before me. My mind was going postal with all the thoughts and ideas.
I got up from the couch I was lying. Glanced over the small cozy living-room with its dark bookshelves the open brick-built fireplace and the warm, welcoming yellow toned walls. A clattering sound was to be heard from the open pathway to the kitchen.
"Oh. You're awake," Berry greeted smiling as I stood in the door.
"Yeah," I smiled back. "But... tell me one thing... I mean its not polite to ask one who helped you... But, why did you do that?"
"You mean besides the obvious: That I won't let anypony down wwich is in dire need of help? Wait a moment," I recognized that her sunny mood lowered a bit. She got serious. Gosh I didn't want to make her feel bad because of me...
"You all right?.. I am sorry...," I frowned.
"Its good. I would have told you anyway," with this words she paced through the kitchen, entered the living-room and walked towards one of the shelves. Berry grabbed a small black box from the top and opened it.
Inside I saw a heavy silver coin. It was no bit or any other currency I knew. Then I recognized... It was....
"One year now. No drop alcohol. Its a reminder for my success and a warning to never give up the fight," my mouth stood agape. Then, after a brief pause she continued, without reacting to my face. "You know - there are rules attached to this coin. From being honest to oneself up to apologize to anyone you harmed."
It took a while before I could answer. Myriads of questions and thoughts ran through my mind. Why didn't I see... after all I knew her for a long while now...
"I didn't know...," I swallowed.
Berry smiled and as far as I could see it was no fake.
"Apologizing to anyone you harmed doesn't mean to hang a lantern on it. The ones who need to know, knew now. And I have decided to let you know too. Because there is another thing. It's no hard rule, more a guideline. If possible you should help another one."
"But I have no drinking probl....," confused I looked up.
"You lost your job. And I've seen you drunk more often than sober the last weeks. And believe me. I have a keen eyes for things like this. No. You propably are no alcoholic by now. But the way you were on, had lead you there surely sooner than later. And you can't deny you have a problem, right?"
"Yeah...," I grinned faintly.
"I was a bit like you. I destructed myself bit by bit. And I didn't see a reason to help myself either. But someone told me the same I told you. I did it for my husband and my filly. Meanwhile I do it for myself, though. But without anything to hold on I probably hadn't pulled it.
"Gosh," I didn't knew what to say... again. I felt how oblivious I was to others in the past. I knew Berry since a long time. She is a regular guest in the clubs I play. And yeah - I never saw her with something spiced.
"So after this - how about breakfast?" she beamed.