//------------------------------//
// It's Jerk Season In Steamfall 
// Story: Utaan 
// by Imploding Colon 
//------------------------------//

	"You're doing this in exchange for what again?" questioned one guard to another.

Four stallions stood along the southern gates of Steamfall.  They rubbed their hooves together and fought shivers in the cold air along the fringes of the compound.

"Three week vacation in mid-summer," said another pony.  "Gonna take the family to Osmanthus Prefecture and not look back."

"Oooooh..."  One employee nodded, adjusting his black cap.  "That's a pretty place any time of year."

"But, for real, is it worth it?"  A third frowned.  "I mean, you're working half of the Month of Thawing in exchange for a measly trip to the west coast.  Most of us get to do this crud in shifts, and it's soul-crushing."

"Believe me," the stallion grumbled.  "A three week vacation to the beach is just what the family needs.  Especially the Missus."

"Oh yeah?"  Another stallion winked.  "And what of the mistress over at Lichen Junction?"

"Eh... she hates warm weather.  And my wife.  Why the Hell else do you think I'm doing this in the summer?"

"Hahahahaha..."

"Heh heh heh..."

"Haaaaaa... goddess, it's cold."

A slow, crunching sound rolled across the snowy field.  The Consortium workers lifted their heads, facing south.

"What... in the heck is that?" asked one stallion, squinting.

"It looks like a pony."

"No shit it's a pony.  But why's he all by himself?  Where's his wagon?"

"Ah jeez... more riff raff begging for a stack of bits."

"Month of Thawing brings the worst scumbags out of hiding."

"Seriously, though.  What's with this guy?"

"Wait... wait... yup."  One stallion nodded.

The other guards looked at him.  "What?"

"He's coming straight from Braum."

"How do you know that?"

"Cuz it's the village idiot extraordinaire, Sarda."

"That's Sarda?"

"Yup.  In the flesh."

"Heheheh..."  One stallion smirked at the others.  "I've always wanted to meet this joker in person."

"You won't be disappointed.  Buncha coal huffing bums, the whole lotta them."

"Shhhhh..."  One stallion shuffled forward from the gate.  "Let me take care of this."

"Good luck, buddy."

Slowly, Sarda marched towards the approaching guard, his gaze cold and surly.

"Hold it right there, sir," the lead guard said.  He adjusted his cap and squinted at the grizzled stallion.  "What business do you have in Steamfall?"

"You would ask me that..." Sarda exhaled.

"It's my job."

"And yesterday, it was somepony else's job," Sarda grumbled.  "Are you ponies paid so little that you force yourself to confuse bureacracy for responsibility?"

"Hey, man."  The guard shrugged.  "It's modern times.  If Braum can't catch up, it's not our fault."  The employees behind him chuckled.  He smirked.  "And just what did you come here to kindly chew my ear off about?"

"I sent three stallions here to speak with someone in charged," Sarda spoke firmly.  "They haven't been back since.  I want to know where they are."

The guard shrugged again.  "Doesn't sound like our problem."

"They're trusted colleagues of mine," Sarda said.  "They always report back to me before making random, unnecessary ventures."

"Well, obviously not, because you're here bothering me about them."  The guard stifled a yawn.  "Look, dude, don't harass us 'cuz you're not competent enough to keep an eye on your number one stallions during the flippin' Month of Thawing."

Sarda's eyes narrowed.  "I'm not harassing.  I'm asking—"

"Oh, cut the bull."  The guard frowned.  "We know you have it out for the Consortium, pal.  If you're not bitching about the smoke from our refineries, then you're yanking our chain over some made-up monopoly on local trade."

"That's neither here nor there."

"Glad we can agree on something for once!" the stallion exclaimed, then waved his hoof.  "Now scram back to Braum.  Enjoy time with your family during the Month of Thawing—assuming they can stand the smell of ya."

"Kayman is a little shorter than me," Sarda calmly said.  "He was wearing a coat—"

"Dude!"  The guard was nearly snarling at this point.  "I'm telling you—I don't know where he is—"

"But you know where they were."  Sarda's eyes narrowed like chiseled daggers.  "You saw them.  You had to.  Or else somepony else did."

The guard leaned back.  He glanced lethargically back at his fellow associates who were shifting about anxiously.

"The sooner I find out what they were up to last," Sarda remarked, "The sooner I'll be out of your mane."

"Look..."  The guardian shuffled closer.  His was voice low, tense, impatient.  "I was covering the western rails yesterday.  I heard that Braum had sent a second party to bug us, but I wasn't there, pal.  If this... 'Kayman' spoke to anybody here at the southern gate, I wasn't here for it, so I dunno where they went afterwards."

"I asked them to seek audience with the Consortium executive."

"Huh?"  The guard blinked.

"You were being visited by a representative of the central offices of the Consortium," Sarda said.  "That's what I discovered during my last visit."  His eyes searched the group of guards.  "I specifically tasked Kayman with meeting this pony to conduct a business transaction."

"Pffft!" another employee broke into chuckles.  "Braum?  Hammer out a deal with Longaze?!"

Sarda's eyes twitched.  "Longaze?"

"Yeah, she's visiting at the moment," one stallion barked.  "What of it?"

"Could Kayman have met with this... Mr. Longaze?"

"Ms."

Sarda raised an eyebrow.  "She's a mare."

"She's a very important member of Consortium management," the guard in front of him grumbled.  "And she does not cater to Ivory Prefecture peasants."

"Please..."  Sarda took a deep breath.  "I must speak with her."

"No go, dude."

Sarda clenched his jaw.  "I have three close associates who are missing.  I would very much appreciate her assistance in this matter, especially if she wants amicable relations to continue between the Consortium and the citizens of Braum—"

"She doesn't owe you or your friends anything, buddy.  Get over it.  Besides, she's too busy here in Steamfall to bother with your stupid problems."

"So she's here in Steamfall right now?"

"What is this?!  An interview?"  The guard spat.  "Yes!  She's here in Steamfall!  And she's preoccupied!  Now scram!"  The other ponies chuckled as he waved a hoof at the horizon.  "High-tail it back home!  If you're so friggin' desperate to find your missing butt buddies, then—I dunno—fill out a 'missing pony' report with Central Defense!"

"Very well."  Sarda swiveled about completely, then spoke loudly into the air.  "Commander?  Lieutenant?  Could you be of some assistance?"

"Huh?"  The guard blinked.  At the sound of whistling feathers, he and his associates looked straight up.  Their muzzles instantly paled as their ears drooped.

Sw-Sw-Sw-Sw-Swoooooosh!  The Talon descended from the clouds like five heavy stones.  Snow splattered across the guards' hooves and uniforms from their expert landings.  Commander Seraphimus stood in the center, serrated and menacing.  She took a few icy steps forward, her beak carving through the air between them.

"Dearest employees of the Consortium.  I am Commander Seraphimus of the Right Talon of Verlaxion, and there's been a terrible incident in Braum.  Somepony has committed a barbaric act of terrorism, and now I have three innocent stallions unaccounted for.  As I am told, they were last seen heading here to Steamfall to speak with the pony in charge of operations."

"Uhhhh... uhmmmm..."  The lead stallion quivered in his horseshoes, knees rattling.  "Uhhhhhh..."

Seraphimus' charcoal eyes glinted as she stared him down.  "Now, it is my understanding that this executive... this Longaze is situated here in Steamfall as we speak."  She took a deep breath, glaring out from under her helmet.  "This investigation is now a matter of the Talon, so I would very much appreciate it if you took us to her so we may continue this discussion with utmost swiftness and professionalism."

Sarda glanced back at Keris.  The Lieutenant merely smirked in silence.

"Uhmm... uhhh-hehhhh..."  The guard sweated despite the bitter cold.  "Well, there... uhm... m-maybe be a problem, m-ma'am..."

"What... kind... of problem?" Seraphimus exhaled, her beak nearly poking his brow.

The stallion's muscles scrunched inward as he cowered under her shadow.  "Eheheheheheh..."  His gnashed his teeth, pupils shrinking.





"Hey!"  A stallion drawing a wagon full of supplies paused to wave at Rainbow Dash.  "Sweet duds!  I didn't know they made them in that size!"

"Uhhhh... yeah."  Rainbow Dash cleared her throat and shuffled past him as quickly as she could manage.  "Me neither, pal."

"What department did you order them from?"

"Oh... y'know..."  Rainbow tilted her black cap forward, shuffled the weight of her bags, and coughed.  "... ... ...Blue Nova department."

"Huh... Blue Nova..."  The stallion tapped his chin.  "Must be one of those new Prefectures Chandler's trying to ratify from the west isles."

"Yup!  Bye!"

"Wait wait wait!"  The stallion waved his forelimb again.  "Who's the requisitions officer of Blue Nova department?  I gotta memorize this!"

"Eh... you probably haven't heard of him..."  Rainbow gulped as she shuffled along.  "... ... ...Chief Executive Zaap Nator...?"

"Zaap Nator!  Got it!  Great!  Thanks!"  The stallion smiled and trudged along, dragging his wagon.  "My little sister's turning sixteen and she wants to start doing part-time for the east trade outposts!  Judging from you, I bet this Zaap guy has an outfit just in her size!  Thanks, noobie!"

"Don't mention!  Seriously!"  Rainbow Dash finally made it to the edge of a warehouse and she flung herself around the corner.  "Whewwww..."  She slumped against the wall behind her.  "If this is what it takes to cross one street here in Steamfall, I'm not going to make it even halfway."

"You're doing fine, darling!" Rarity said.  "Quite the effective use of random misdirection!  Pinkie would be proud!"

"Hey!"  Pinkie pouted.  "Don't speak about Pinkie Pie in the third pony as if Pinkie Pie wasn't here!"

"She's right, though, Rainbow Dash."  Twilight Sparkle smiled at Rainbow as their anchor resumed her casual trot.  "You have such a rich history of memories and past interactions from your travels that you can pull just about any name out of the hat and it'll convince everyone that you're telling the truth!"

"Yeah, thanks."  Rainbow fidgeted in mid-step.  "I think."

"It begs the question," Rarity remarked.  "Just who was this 'Zaap Nator?'"

"Oh... uhm..."  Rainbow cleared her throat.  "Just some... technopheliac powermongering duke who for some superstitious reason felt it was his duty to toss innocent foals to their death down a deep, dark pit."

"... ... ..."  Rarity looked ahead.  "Let's go find that train."

"Yes, let's." Twilight shuddered.

"What do you think I've been trying to—?"

"Guh!"  Fluttershy suddenly flinched.  She clutched her head and veered left and right at random, phasing through structures.

"Wuh oh!" Pinkie remarked.  "Flutter senses!"

"Fluttershy, darling!"  Rarity drifted over and braced the ghostly pegasus in mid-air.  "What ever is the matter?"

Fluttershy gulped.  "I... I just felt something."  She looked at the others with quivering eyes.  "Something important.  Familiar."

"Is it the Talon?!" Twilight stammered.

"No.  I mean..."  Fluttershy winced, nodding.  "Well, yes, they're here too."

"Wuh oh again!"  Pinkie chirped, rolling into a floaty pink ball.

"Dang it!" Rainbow hissed under her breath.  A few passing workers glanced at her as she made for a distant intersection of concrete paths.  "Will I ever shake these guys?"

Rarity caressed Fluttershy's forehead.  "What was it that brought forth the startled outburst, though, dear?"

"It's... the stallions..."  Fluttershy stared at Rainbow Dash.  "Kayman... and the other two that Sarda sent here to speak with the ponies of Steamfall."

"Wait, you know where they are?" Rainbow asked.

"Yes, Rainbow."  Fluttershy.  "And they're... not doing so well."

"Huh?" Rainbow blinked.

Twilight leaned in.  "How... bad are we talking, Fluttershy?"

The mare gulped.  "Bad bad."