The carnage was almost unimaginable. In fact, it was all Twilight could do to keep her hayfries down. “Wh... what happened here?”
Chief Inspector Ratio Shades started to bow, then remembered his briefing on the relatively new princess. “Well, ma'am, we can't be certain, we can only go on the evidence present, and the... testimony of the Draconequus.”
“The... Discord?”
> SNAP! < “You rang, oh pretty purple princess of proper partnership and prestidigitation?” Discord glanced around, slightly confused. “Sparkle-butt? Sparkle-butt?”
“...gmf mff mmm...”
After glancing down, Discord chuckled. “Oh, silly me. I forgot I was wearing my hippopotamus legs. And hips. And torso. Oh, and that you were in the landing zone.” Tiny butterfly wings sprouted from his nostrils, which carried him up, and off of the battered and bruised form of Twilight Sparkle.
“... thnkfff...”
“Don't mention it!” The wings flapped once more, then abruptly vanished. But even as Twilight's eyes grew wide in fearsome anticipation, Discord remained floating where he was. His torso and legs also reverted to his abnormal state of 'normal' with a puff of ragweed pollen and the sound of a thousand dying stars autotuned to play the Prench national anthem.
“So,” asked Twilight as she clambered to her hooves, alicorn healing rapidly kicking in, “what happened here?”
“Well... would you believe a prank gone horribly, horribly wrong? And it wasn't my fault, honest!” For once, Discord actually looked honest. “Seriously, this is all a big misunderstanding!”
“Ponies are DEAD, Discord! How can this be a misunderstanding!” Twilight's horn and eyes both began glowing with eldritch power. “Start. Explaining. Now.”
Ratio Shades interrupted. “Begging your pardon, ma'am, but I should note that the evidence fits what he told me before you got here, so at least give his story an open mind.”
“Right.” The glow faded, but the glare didn't. “Your story, Discord?”
-=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=-
It's all Sombra's fault. Or what was left of him, anyway. Yes, yes, I know he's dead, but that didn't really stop him last time, now, did it?
It was a Tuesday, which has absolutely nothing to do with anything, and I was taking a shower of ten penny nails, when I felt a knock on the door of my frontal lobes. Curious, I walked out of the shower, and answered it. Surprise, surprise, there was a big black cloud of mist, with glowing red eyes and a horn. “CRYYYYYSSSSSSAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSS.....”
“Sommy, old bean, how are you doing? It's been a while, come in, pull up a neuron or two! Synapse chips? Seratonin dip?”
“CRYYYYYSSSSSSAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSS.....”
“Right. You want that?”
“CRYYYYYSSSSSSAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSS.....”
Roger dodger, you crazy old codger!”
Now, I know what you're saying. 'But Discord, oh wondrous and noble master of all chaos, he was asking for crystals! Why are you forgetting the letter t?' And the answer? I was all out of tea, had some wonderful Earl Grey earlier that afternoon. So even though I could say a t sound, I couldn't hear it. That's my defense and I'm sticking to it.
Meanwhile, out in the Badlands, dear sweet Chryssie was doing whatever Changelings do on their days off, probably trying to seduce someone's husband, or making home repairs with resinous goop. Well, whatever it was she was doing, I interrupted it. “CHRYSSIE, MY DEAR!”
It was just plain rude that she chose that moment to start blasting magic at me, and having her drones spit goop at me. I yawned, then hacked up a hairball that floated into space and formed an interstellar empire before destroying itself in a nuclear conflagration. Huh? Don't worry, your species will find out about 'nuclear' things in about another two centuries or so. Anyway, I yawned, and walked out of the goop. “Now, Chryssie, is that any way to treat a pair of old friends?”
“Friends?” she asked. “HARDLY! The last time you came near my hive, I had four drones making the most awful music and trying to grow long hair. And what the hell is a hand, anyway, and why would someone want to hold it? Wait... pair? Who else is with you?”
“Oh, he's... a secret admirer! In fact, almost the only thing he says is YOUR name! He sais 'Chrysssallllisss...' all the time!”
Her eyes narrowed. Which is a real shame, if she was going to do that she should have blinked side to side instead of that boring up and down. “You're the only one here. Where is this so-called 'secret admirer'?”
“Right here!” I said, and headbutted her. Fortunately for her, I had made my horns soft as foam rubber. Unfortunately for me, she didn't have the same consideration, and boy did that smart. However, it did let me open a door and poor good ol' Sommie into Chryssie's head.
The fireworks were spectacular. The ones that whistle, the ones that burst and then burst again, and even one that burst, shooting in the air and apologizing for whatever it did to make its quen angry. Oh, wait, that one was a drone. Well, when one of them blew open the side of the hive, I got up out of my lawn chair... yes this one right here... and put down my popcorn. “Maybe we should take this elsewhere,” I said, snapping my fingers.
Well, that's when I found out that, while Cerebus had grown used to me coming by to taunt Tirek, he had most assuredly not gotten used to Chrysalis and Sombra fighting for ontrol of the former's body. I swear, I think it took half my sausage stores to calm him down. As the guards rushed in to try to impose, ugh, order on the situation, I took advantage of the opportunity to slip down and taunt Big Red some more.
Huh? No, by Big Red I meant Tirek, not the big red apple pony. The pony is actually smarter, of course, and is a lot better sport about taking a joke.
So, anyway, I poofed down to his cage, and leaned on the door. “Heya, Tirry! Thought I'd stage a reunion of the Big Bads!”
“Oh, great. You again. And you were more of my sacrificial lamb than a 'big bad'. By the Seven, you were even beaten by six ponies that had only ever touched greatness once before!” He grinned. “You may have once been a threat, but now you play the part of a pet to the most pathetic pony of all!”
This irritated... okay, it totally cheesed me off. So I took the cheese off my snout, and grinned. “Oh, no, not just the two of us.”
“What do you mean?”
Just as luck, or chaos, would have it, this was when the brouhaha managed to reach us. Chryssombra was fighting hirself as much as the guards... what? Yes, hirself. Nor herself, not himself, hirself. Really? I most certainly CAN make up words if I want to, and I didn't even do it there! That word exists on at list fifteen other worlds, so it's perfectly valid! Now, where was I...
Right. So Chryssombra smashed into Tirek's cage, somehow smushing THROUGH the bars, and around Tirek. I think he actually swallowed some of it. Anyway, there were now three minds in one and a half fused bodies, and none of them could agree on anything. They didn't fit in the cage anymore, and Tirek's main gun of stealing other beings' magic was kinda burnt out for the next few centuries, so this was the perfect opportunity to play another prank.
> SNAP! <
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Twilight Sparkle was covering her face with a hoof. “Okay, Discord, then what happened?”
“Well,” said the draconequus, “here we are.”
“What happened?” She looked around the red, somewhat lumpy morass, and shuddered. “They didn't... explode, did they?”
“Oh, no no no no, twinklebutt. Have you even noticed where we are?”
Twilight looked around, and saw the classic signs of the one type of room she was, truth be told, actually a little scared of. To be exact, she was in a kitchen. “ Umm... a restaurant?”
Wah wah wah waaaaaaaah! Discord put his trombone away, and shook his head. “Miss Sprinkles, we are in the production facility for Sorghum brand Trot Dogs and Trotwurst.”
The Inspector chose to speak up. “Never liked trot dogs, myself. They use all the worst, disgusting bits, like stems and seeds.”
Discord recoiled. “Why, my dear Inspector, I hate the stems and seeds, as well!” He winked. “But the rest of it is good, if you know what I mean.”
Twilight stomped a hoof. “Focus! So we're in a trot dog plant. Did they explode here?”
“Inspector, if you please?”
The stallion nodded, and dipped a hoof in the reddish mass, then tasted it. “Yep, just like you said. Ketchup.”
“And... and the chunks?”
“Just trotwurst.”
“But Tirek... and Sombra... and Chrysalis...”
Discord waved a finger, then watched as the finger bade farewell. “At at at at... they're where they need to be, actually.”
“Honest?”
“Scout's dishonor. Heck, I'll even do Pinkie's salute... err, oath on this one. How did it go? Oh, yeah, 'Hot crossed buns and hope for pie...' ” he started, running a talon over his gluteus maximus.
“Oh, just... never mind, Discord. I'll see you back at Fluttershy's,” she grumped, though secretly relieved nobody actually died.
“I trust you'll show up at the Precinct to pay the usual property destruction fine?” asked the Inspector.
“Same bat-time, same bat-channel!” nodded Discord.
With that, the ponies left, leaving Discord alone. Well... not quite alone.
“Silly ponies, even ones with wings, still never look... up,” rumbled the hindbrain of the lord of chaos. Glancing up, his three victims were still in place, having been extracted from each other. Tirek and Chrysalis were bound and gagged, while Sombra haunted a mason jar.
“Now, you three tried to hurt Fluttershy. So did Starlight Glimmer and I, but hey, we reformed. You haven't, and you never will.
“Sombra, you're too far gone to even understand. Chrysalis, you'd just eat any incoming affection, and you, Tirek... you rejected friendship on more than one occasion. So now that my silencing spell is up, it is time to teach you why harming Fluttershy, or even trying to, is a bad idea...”
And nobody heard a thing.