I'm a recently found brony. I didn't think much of the show untill I watches it as a joke, then I was hooked
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The story begins with our favorite wall eyed mail mare out on her rounds. Little did she know the effect a large well mannered pony would have on her.
I prefer to call Derpy, Ditzy. Its a kinder name but both i think fit her.
please sit back and enjoy. i would love to hear your opinions and thoughts on the story and whether or not i should continue. Thank you
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Big mac and Ditzy i like it do go on
I never let up an opportunity to discuss the Derpy/Ditzy concept, so here goes.
My oppinion on the matter is as following:
''Old'' Derpy
Name (That I call her): Derpy Hooves
Characteristics: Wall eyed. Often come across as a klutz due to this.
Fun Factor: How clumsy she is.
My brony-to-pony line: Keep up the Derpin', Derpy!
''New'' Derpy
Name (That I call her): Ditzy Doo
Characteristics: Klumsy, Dumb
Fun Factor: *Eyebrow raise* Dude, there ain't none...
My brony-to-pony line: Crawl under a rock, will ya?
It sounds good so far. I cant wait to read the rest.
Great story so far my friend. You should totally continue writing this. I left a few editing party favours below to help you with this chapter and any others that you write. (not bashing your story or the editing but I'd go over every thing with a fine toothed comb to smooth out the story and help it flow better. There were some parts that were awkward to read because of the wording and way it was written.)
1)"She flew a bit slowly observing things as she went along." I'd either put that as ,"She flew a bit slow,observing...." or as, "She flew slowly, observing..."
.
2) The 't' in "...The Cutie Mark Crusaders were trying another attempt to get their Cutie Mark,..." doesn't need capitilizing.
3) "...I'm trowing a party for how great..." you forgot the 'h' in throwing.
4)"...Dinky blush as she saw her daughter try to hide herself...." Name mix up here. Should be Ditzy and you forgot the 'ed' on the end of blushed.
5) "...money is tight as it is right now. Maybe if I have my hair done I can afford it. I guess I can afford it..." You kinda contradict your self here, maybe try something like. "...money is tight right now. Maybe if I only have my hair done, I could afford it." The last part where you restate that she might be able to afford it doesn't really need to be there, seeing as it was said right before that.
6) "The angry stallion looked down at her in disgust, "Oh it's you, the retard. Why don't you just get lost! No one wants you around your disgusting to look at your freaky eyes. You’re a monster!"" I'd break up this section a liitle bit. Try something like, "The angry stallion looked down at her in disgust, "Oh it's you, the retard. Why don't you just get lost! No one wants you around. Your disgusting to look at with your freaky eyes and all. You’re a monster!""
7) Put dialogue in quotations as well as inner thought OR italisize them to differentiate them from the rest of the text. There's a couple of these in here othe rthen this one.
8) "Now, I don't want to hurt y'all. But if I see ya in this town again I'll kick your mark straight of your flank." Comma instead of period after y'all, uncapitilize the 'b' in but and you forgot an 'f' in off ^.
9) "I'm mighty sorry for what that stallion did ta ya. Ain't right treating a pretty mare like that." She said gently. Should probly be he unless Macintosh in now a girl
10) 'Ditzy nodded and started walking Big Macintosh followed close behind.' I'd advise adding some in there to help the sentence flow more easily, like, "Ditzy nodded and started walking, with Big Macintosh following close behind."
11) "Wait, give her full treatment any pony that's been through what she has deserves it." Try breaking this into two complete sentences. ("Wait, give her full treatment. Any pony that's been through what she has deserves it.")
12) "Carrot Top ogled over, Ditzy who was blushing madly." I'd suggest moving the comma over so that it's after Ditzy, so that you avoid that awkward stall in the middle of the sentence.
Derpy be getting all da Stallions.
Or at least the Big Red one witch is the only one that matters so its kinda the same thing.
506679
Thank you. I'm very bad at editing this stuff. I appreciate the suggestions to change. Thank you and keep reading.
Good start, nice to see another happy Ditzy/Derpy fic, or at least one that will have an happy ending.
507103 No problem
.
Me gusta where this is heading. Do go on.
Me happy.
This is awesome! You should continue it! But it is missing the best pony ever!
Scootaloo!!!!!
+ 
= awesome! (in a non romantic way)
Very nice job just double check he and she's but other than that keep up the good work
Wow. Big Mac's more like a Gentleman than a Farmer.
Not that that's a bad thing.
514743
His mama, and grandma brought him up right. Good ole fashion Texas sensibilities... I mean Ponyville sensibilities.
514770
Treating the ladies right...
...Like a Gentleman.
514777
darn tooting.
very good chapter
daww they make such a cute couple
Evidently, Big Mac is the designated stallion.
Well done is all I can say that and good job.
this is actually really good and interesting, and not too fast. I like this a lot, please update soon!
the authors notes greatly disturb, because there's nothing separating them from the normal text.
d'awww and it's rare that you see this shipping done where Ditzy isn't terminally ill, mentally handicapped and Mac isn't dumb as a post or some bashful farmer. Kudos to you for thinking outside the box. I really like this fic.
DAWWWW they make a good couple
Very well done. I like how this is all going.
524554
sorry about that the formatting from Microsoft office doesn't
work well
"a very annoyed looking Big Macintosh"
Never angry-
-Just "very annoyed."
I started reading this when it first came out. It's great to see the quality and depth just keep getting better and better with every chapter. So beautifull
.
Advice) Try adding a little bit more depth to scenery. It can greatly can the mood of the story and bring it to a whole new level of awesome!!
(If thats even possible.)
I totally know what you mean about Microsoft Office formatting. It's a real pain to fix, but I would go over it once its been uploaded and either but inner thoughts in quotations or italisize them.
Great story, I'm looking forward to reading more. And to you, BlackRoseRaven, if you read this, thanks for editing it for him/her (sorry never asked that) and keeping him/her on track.
glad you're continuing this
I really like your story so far keep up the good work.
527171
I like your pen name it's clever
528373thank you
Dawww... Nice to see their first date go great. You are doing a great job at building up the romance between the two. While I may generally ship TwiMac and CheeriMac, I do have a soft spot of DitzyMac. Keep it up my friend.
In the Name of Her Serene Majesty Celesita Everfree,
Celestia's Paladin: For Honor and Duty, For the Sun and Moon
That was adorable.
MUST...WITHSTAND...HEART...ATTACK! HNNNNNGGG!!!!
seriously one of my fav stories atm
I really like this, please don't quit on this story, i really look forward to each update. Please update again soon!
This is actually like seriously the best derpy shipping story i've read out of several. This chapter was truly adorable, i loved every second of it, truly a masterpiece. This should be a featured story. Please keep this going and update soon!
53533. Thank you for such a nice compliment.
I'm thinking about making next chapter about where Dinky came from (it's not a sweet story) but I'm not sure about it; what do you think?
Yep MC's dead alright. Died of cuteness overdose. His poor little brony heart couldn't handle it.
Way to go you killed a brony and wrote a awesome fanfic.
Good job. I eagerly await the rest.
Feels man Feels
Daannnng! That was well done.
First I =>
Then I =>
When a pony is crying, someone need be dying.
As a southerner from Mississippi, Y'all means you all. You don't refer to somebody as y'all, as its plural. The proper term would be you, or as big mac would say, "Yah" i think. somebody please correct me if I'm wrong, this is southern slang after all, and its technically incorrect either way.
This is a great story though, keep it up.
derpy is the best pone.
Please tell me that they didn't eat rainbow dash cupcakes.
Also, I noticed that in the first two chapters, that there was a considerable emphasis on an upcoming financial crisis.
I like the way that this story is going.
545419 thank you for the revisa and sorry if i offened with the Y'all
545516 Its really no big problem considering that they normally talk like that in the show, I really like the story so far and hope that you continue working on it.
Keep writing.
Very well done, another very enjoyable chapter, that was a very plausible and believable explanation of where dinky came from, which fit perfectly with the story. Please update soon!
It's great that they're there for each other during hard times.
!!
SECKS
*Sigh*
I wasn't expecting Mac to run through town high out of his mind on Vicodin. It was nice that Ditzy was there to reel him in and that he was there to support her and Dinky.
Since she couldn't live off of 8 bits, Ditzy should have told the Mayor Mare to take her bits, roll them up and go fuck herself. Of course the politicians won't take pay cuts, the Mayor is still driving around in her new Mercedes and filling it with premium.