This was my first fan-fic. I've now moved on to my second one, as this one is finished, but I won't upload the second story until I have permission from an artist to use his picture.
Any feedback, especially constructive criticism, is appreciated, so go ahead and tell me what you think!
Also, please give me any opinion of the sad ending. I'm expecting bad reviews, because I actually didn't want to write it. I wrote a happy ending, and the only reason I wrote the sad ending was to keep everypony happy.
Thanks in advance for the feedback!
Chapters (10)
Me Gusta! Keep this up, I really want a chapter 2 now!
Good story. I would definitely like to see more chapters. And as for using the British spellings, in my oppinion, those are the correct spellings. Us Americans don't spell right.
53463 Us Americans in the Midwest need to decide grey or gray! Is it in the story i don't know, but I spell it grey
Oh my od will she be ok???? What will happen will she be in a dream world for the next I don't know chapter msg I need information I'm tracking my ass off for this let her live damnit
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Oh my od will she be ok???? What will happen will she be in a dream world for the next I don't know chapter msg I need information I'm tracking my ass off for this let her live damnit
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Note number one should be obvious: Use paragraphs. I'd look up how to do this.
Basically it's simple: Every time a different character speaks...make another paragraph. There is a little more to it, but this is the general rule.
Also, avoid using the word "was" when writing. Was is a keyword when using the "passive" voice. Sometimes it's okay, but great fics use the "active" voice. Also, don't TELL the story, SHOW IT! Don't describe it, SHOW the reader what happens!
53476 Right, sorry. Thanks for the criticism :3
I'll try to keep that in mind. I was going to place the main bulk of the story about 6 months to 2 years after the first couple of chapters, so that's why I was writing "was". I might go back and revise it. Looking for references in chapter 2 (E.g. Doctor Hoovington) I found some spelling mistakes.
53476 Right, sorry. Thanks for the criticism :3
I'll try to keep that in mind. I was going to place the main bulk of the story about 6 months to 2 years after the first couple of chapters, so that's why I was writing "was". I might go back and revise it. Looking for references in chapter 2 (E.g. Doctor Hoovington) I found some spelling mistakes.
Also, I'm writing this in Word, then copy-pasting it to the website, so I don't know how to make paragraphs in this. I've never posted to this site before, so just bear with me!
Rainbow iz DED ya hear mah, iz ded! Let her die pleeeeeeaaassee! I want her to die NAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOW!
53754
The original plan was for her to die, but I'm not sure whether I should kill her or not. People really don't want her dead, except you.
Either way she isn't coming back in much for the rest of the story. It won't make a difference whether she's alive or not, because the only time she's referenced is going to be in memories and flashbacks. This is a story about Scootaloo, not Rainbow.
This is an excellent sadfic, though not the best i've ever read. There are several grammatical and spelling errors but nothing particularly glaring.
53760 You have a point there, but I'd like to see her die, reported by Doctor Hoovington that Rainbow won't wake up, ever. Nice.
53783
He didn't say ever, he just said it was unlikely. As I said, though, she won't come in much again.
I think I'll keep her in a coma until the end of the story. Only time will tell.
The other point is that if you think about the injuries (fractured wings, shattered foreleg) she would never be able to fly again. I might make her Scootaloo's personal trainer, hahah.
Congratulations, Scootaloo. You're the new Rainbow Dash.
Scootaloo's devotion to Rainbow Dash is really touching, and everypony else's reaction to her condition is so very sad and sweet, too. It's interesting to see how Scootaloo is growing up through all of this, too.
This is so sad!
Me gusta, but if Rainbow Dash dies, Scootaloo was wasting all that time for nothing, just for a dead pony. I expect a sad ending, not a happy one. There's always a happy ending in every fiction. So cheers mate, hope you succeed!
I got to say, Scootaloo's devotion and admiration to Rainbow Dash is truly inspiring.
To the very end, but I do wonder how everpony is taking the news of her surpassing her idol ?
Please do keep up the good work upon such a great tale like this one as I cannot wait to see how Jecht reacts to Spitfire given their family relation.
Am I the only one hoping it ends happily? too many sad endings floating around
Decision made! To keep everypony happy, I am going to write TWO endings! One will be a happy ending, the other will be sad. I don't really want to kill Rainbow Dash, but I will in one of them. Will that make everypony happy?
I'll submit both: one called Happy Ending, the other Sad Ending, and you can choose which one, or both, to read.
pretty sure her dad was like "oh. OH!" when he first figured it out
56617
Yeh, pretty much xD
More like "So hungry... Hey, the girls are up... WHAT THE BUCK?!"
53754 WHAT DA FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
are you a HOMO!? or a brony!?
Oh gawd, every mare in every fic seems to be a filly fooler. What?
great... *sniff*
i'm going to cry now... i dont stop when i do! *cries*
*100 years later and still crying*
*sniff* i know im a rotting skeleton but... EVEN THE UNDEAD HAVE FEELINGS YOU KNOW!*continues crying*
*500 years and finally stops crying* can the good ending be first? I WANT FIRST!!! PPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
56814
I'm sorry! I didn't plan for that, it just sort of... Happened... I promise no lesbians in the next story!
I think I'll make it a story of Dinky Doo before her daughter was born.
PLEASE make good ending be first!!! if you don't *sniff* i will be a sad, sad ash pile...
MAKE A BAD ENDING FIRST! IT WAS NEVER DONE BEFORE! DON'T BE A WUSS AND DO IT, STOP LISTENING TO THESE PEOPLE, AND DO A SAD ENDING FIRST!
if not at the same time lol
I would make a happy ending showing
coming out of her coma and awaken to see 
first performance. Now that is a perfect ending.
Great update and nice insight on how Rainbow Dash views the world around her. Please do keep putting up the good work upon such a great tale.
57747
Close, but not quite I had in mind.
And @SureFreeD, The endings are both going to be huge. I'm making the happy ending first because I never planned on a sad ending, so be glad I'm actually making one. The sad ending should be out later today, as I'm nearly done with the happy ending. I'm up to 4, 200 words and counting.
This is an excellent story. Probably good enough to rival transcendence. PLEASE send this to EQD! This story is so good, IT MUST BE SHARED!!!!
yay!
Oh god, I got excited to see the happy ending up first so I wouldn't have to cry...I didn't expect tears of joy! This story was great, but I still want to read what you have planned for the sad part. :)
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!
YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME!!! *regenerates into a person and 27 years old* thanks for keeping rainbow dash alive!!! although you have good ending first... IM NOT WATCHING SAD ENDING!!!!!
Yar doin' good lad!
^Sloppy Ho^
That was an excellent ending! I was very impressed that in the end, it was less about Scootaloo's flying ability and really all about loyalty, to Jecht and to Rainbow Dash. Very well written. It brought tears to my eyes.
I am looking forward to the sad ending as well, naturally!
WAAAH!!! This is just so sad but its so good though
. This in my opion brings a new meaning to guilty pleasure.
Well written mate, I truly enjoyed this story. The ending made my day
looking forward to your next story.
58628
I still have to do the epilogue, yet!
The next story will be of Ditzy Doo and her *now deceased* husband. It will be the story of Dinky's birth and her life up to present. Sound good? :p
Indeed this idea has peaked my intellectual curiosity
. I'll be keeping an eye out for 'emi
Aaaaaaaaaw yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaah! Better than the happy ending! Proper!
I'm... not sure if I want to read the second ending.
Aaaaaand I just had to read it, didn't I?!
I haven't cried this much since I read the following text at the end of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince...
"And he knew, without knowing how he knew it, that the phoenix had gone, had left the school for good. Just as Dumbledore, had left the school. Had left the world, had left Harry..."
61124
Dragon Smash! Heyy!
What did you think of it? I haven't posted in a couple of days...
Sorry, everypony, but I set up the PS3 and I've been playing Brotherhood and Dead Rising 2 for the last two days. I swear, I will at least start one of the epilogues tomorrow. (1:30AM) Alright, then, later today.
I just sat there singing fluttershys lullaby So sad
Hey Cheezyyyy, its Macca, thee story needs more aircraft :) May i suggest a...F-4 Phantom (super fast jet from the Vietnam war)...?
d'awwwwwww