Twilight takes the place of Frisk in this world of UNDERTALE, and she soon discovers that not everything is what it seems. For those fans of UNDERTALE, I bring you, UNDERTALE (Starring Twilight)!
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 7th Jun, 2020
- offline last seen March 17th
The_One_Llama
One Llama, to rule them all. The One Llama, in a land of Ponies, Centaurs, Changelings, Dragons, Alicorns, Griffins, Yaks, and many more unique creatures.
The_One_Llama
Joined 7th Jun, 2020 ·
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But isn't Twilight an alicorn? Shouldn't she just be able to fly?
(Yes, I know the barrier would stop her from leaving the Underground; I'm talking about entering it.)
MatTOB I know that it's just that this story would be way too short if Twilight never fell down the giant hole.
As much as I like Undertale and the prospect of a MLP crossover, you may want to revisit how you write this. So far it seems to be simply the game, but in written form, and with Twilight pasted in place of Frisk. She's not really an actor here, but is instead being pulled along by Toriel. Undertale works because the player character is a lost child. It makes sense for that character to allow a mother figure to guide them along. Twilight may have been a bit of a doormat in the earlier episodes, but she is an adult. If this is set after the School of Friendship was established, she has several months or years of princesshood under her belt. She wouldn't just go along with what Toriel said. She could and would make her own path.
You'll want to give your chapters another lookover, I caught at least one "human" in Toriel's speech. As far as the scenes explaining game mechanics, those generally don't work in written media unless the setting is supposed to literally be a video game. If this is, then more power to you, but from a reader's standpoint it makes things disjointed. Like watching a television show, and then an ad comes on about the show itself.
Don't let this discourage you. A story like this can work. I'm just trying to help you avoid a pitfall I see a lot of newer fics do, which is to basically copy the original story, but with a different character in place of the original.
10347156
SpectralFury, I do understand everything you are saying. This is my first story, and I am not that good with details. I will try to do the following things you said in the coming chapters, but I am not re-writing old ones. When I publish Chapter 4, I will add more detail to it. Thank you for pointing out my mistakes. Let me know if there is anything else in the chapters I need to fix.
-The_One_Llama
10347263
Here's a thought. The real Grogar is known in legends as the "Father of Monsters", having allegedly created dangerous beasts that plagued ancient Equestria. Now, assuming what happened after his defeat from Gusty the Great, either Twilight would assume these are the dangerous beasts that hid here after the battle but turn out to be something else entirely, or they really are the so called dangerous beasts and maybe just want peace with ponies maybe? I mean there is a family of goat monsters, Grogar is a goat, it would kinda make sense for a great connection right there. Also, if you could come up with a believable excuse as to why Twilight can't fly out through where she fell down? Maybe, the barrier made her wings not work or something? I dunno, still pretty good so far.