December 24th, 2013 Local Donkey Steals Hearth's Warming Eve Guest article by Doctor Zecora
PONYVILLE--A local donkey reportedly has stolen Hearth’s Warming Eve from the town. He cited the fact that he hated “all the noise” and wished that the ponies would just “quit banging around.”
All the ponies down in Ponyville liked Hearth’s Warming Eve a lot, but Cranky Doodle Donkey, who lived just north of Ponyville, indicated in a recent interview with the Ponion that he, in fact, did not.
Cranky Doodle undertook a massive heist of all of the Hearths’ Warming Eve apparel from every house in the town of Ponyville, sneaking through chimneys and picking the locks. He snuck off to the town on Hearth’s Warming Eve, during the middle of the night, and proceeded to steal every last wreath, candy cane, present, package, bag, and box.
So he wouldn’t appear suspicious, he disguised himself in an outfit as a clever ruse: The donkey dressed up as good old Santa Hooves.
“It was a tight fit, squeezing down all those chimneys of every last house,” said Cranky Doodle. “But with a bit of finnesse, I did it. And I left crumbs too small, even for a mouse.”
He took all the dresses that Rarity made. He took all the cupcakes that Pinkie Pie baked. He took Applejack’s signature Hearth’s Warming pie. He took all the snow from out of the sky. He took Scootaloo’s new scooter, that Rainbow Dash got her. He took a new rubber ball from Fluttershy’s otter. He took all the lights from Twilight’s library tree. He took all the capes from the CMCs. He took the wooden blocks from Pumpkin and Pound. He took every gift and present around.
He hauled all these gifts back up to his lair. A smile on his face, he waited to hear the town’s despair. But then the next morning, he woke up with his ears ringing. Despite his thievery, Pinkie Pie was leading the town in a round of singing!
They sung all the same carols they normally did, even though all of their gifts he had hid. He puzzled and puzzled at this contradiction. And then he came down with a merry affliction.
“Hearth’s Warming is in their hearts. I can’t take it away!”
Witnesses on the scene confirmed that his heart grew three sizes that day.
So he brought back the presents to the Ponyville town. He gave all the gifts back, and passed them around. Ponyville embraced him with open hooves, and he sat with them for dinner, eating their food.
This has been a special Ponion news story. Have a happy new year, and a merry Hearth’s Warming. Ω
October 25th, 2013 Controversy Rages Over Name of Canterlot Redfurs
CANTERLOT—Recently, pressure has mounted on the Equestrian Hoofball League to change the name of the Canterlot Redfurs, out of a concern that the name is racist towards the buffalo.
"The name of this team is offensive to our race," said an Appleloosan buffalo activist, Little Strongheart. "For generations they have pushed us off of our stampeding grounds and have thrown apple pies at us, and now they want to name a sports team after us? It is not right."
"The EHL needs to take the feelings of the buffalo into account. If I were the owner, I'd consider changing the name," said Princess Celestia, who since the last time she addressed the nation had apparently solved the national debt, crime, privacy concerns, and terrorism, and had nothing better to talk about than the name of a sports team.
Public opinion polls have consistently shown that anywhere from 70-80% of Equestrians are in favor of the Redfurs keeping their name, including a majority of self-identified buffalo, indicating that this is a forced controversy and a non-issue invented by ponies with nothing better to do.
Little Strongheart, however, believes differently.
"That poll is misrepresenting our people. It relies on self-identified buffalo, rather than on actual buffalo. Ponies might say that they are buffalo when they aren't," said Little Strongheart, who by resorting to the tactic of accusing her opponents of lying, indicated that she had no real argument.
The team's coach, however, has stood steadfast behind the name of the team.
"There were buffalo on the team when the name was chosen. It's not a label; it's a badge of honor, and a tradition. My father coached the redfurs. And his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him..."
When our interviewer woke up an hour later, the coach had finished.
Players on the Redfurs have remained mostly silent on the issue. "Yo dawg, I'm not touchin' that with a forty hoof pole, man. I'm a hoofball player. What do I look like, some social commentator or somethin'? Naw, man," said the team's quarterback, Roger Gryphon the third.
The controversy over the Redfurs' name is just the latest in a string of incidents in which politicians, lawyers, activists, and other ponies have interjected themselves into hoofball. Other incidents include ever-tightening safety rules and stricter enforcement of penalties which make the game unbearable to watch, and the Celestia administration's usage of public money to get the Baltimare Ravens to promote Celestiacare.
"These suits really need to lay off hoofball. It's the last place where I can escape from politicians' and lawyers' crap," said longtime fan, Sunday Tailgate. "What's next, will they ban tackling? Will they have to change the name of the Ponyville Bunnies because it offends rabbits?"
Yes.
At press time, a time traveler returning from the distant future has informed The Ponion that, twenty years into the future, hoofball will be touch-tackle only, fans will be prohibited from clapping so that they don't make the losing team feel bad, and teams will only be named after non-offensive, generic household appliances, such as the Fillydelphia Fridges and the Manehattan Dishwashers. Ω
Equestrian Government Shuts Down Over Budget Dispute
September 21st, 2013 Equestrian Government Shuts Down Over Budget Dispute
CANTERLOT—Following a fierce debate in the Equestrian congress between Reponycans and Democolts which did not lead to a compromise over Celestiacare and the budget, the government has shut down, and nonessential services will be cut until Congress passes a budget.
"We're really upset that we couldn't work something out," said House Speaker John Boehneighr at a press conference, "but Celestiacare is just going to ruin small businesses, and we need to come up with a workable solution."
Sources confirmed that the first day of the Celestiacare exchanges coming online, literally thousands of small businesses shut their doors instantaneously.
"Within moments of these exchanges coming on line, my business just vanished," said Davenport, the owner of a crater in the ground which was once a quill and sofa shop.
Also, hospital waiting lines stretched from Ponyville to the Crystal Empire, where they intertwined with the Crystal Empire's own socialized medicine lines into one big conga across the continent.
Despite the law being a complete and total failure in its first day, and only popular with 40% of Equestrians, the Democolts and Princess Celestia were adamant that nothing in the law be changed.
"I won't sign a repeal of even one word of that law," Celestia was quoted as saying, "Not one word. It's all perfect. There is literally nothing in this bill that could stand changing."
When asked about the unpopular provisions of the law, such as the tax on makers of lifesaving medical devices, or the requirement that every stallion and mare purchase health insurance whether they want or need it or not, Celestia simply said, "They don't know what's best for them; only I do. The law is perfect."
"Indeed, the health law is the word of the living goddess Celestia herself," said Senate majority leader Hairy Read. "For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished."
This impasse means that critical services will no longer be provided. Millions of veterans will no longer be paid, the Everfree Forest and other national parks will be closed to visitors, and thousands of employees will be furloughed. Also, Princess Celestia will no longer raise the sun.
"Eh, let the unicorns do it again like they used to back during the time of the three pony tribes," said Celestia, "because they won't be paying me to do it anymore! Or get Luna to do it."
At press time, sources confirmed that the moon was still hanging in the sky as the unicorns were struggling to get the sun to rise over the horizon, and that if they can not, Equestria will be doomed to eternal darkness until congress passes a budget. Ω
"Octavia Criticized For Modest, Conservative Performance at Orchestral Awards"
August 27th, 2013 Octavia Criticized For Modest, Conservative Performance at Orchestral Awards
CANTERLOT—At the 2013 Orchestral Awards, famed cellist Octavia Melody arrived on the stage, grabbed her bow, and proceeded to play a piece of classical music in a dignified, professional, and family-friendly manner. She then bowed, received her award, exited the stage, and that was that.
This lackluster, conservative, non-sexualized performance has gotten some critics riled up. Calling it a "total letdown," critics of the famous cellist Octavia lambasted her for not adding more flair to her presentation.
"I can't believe what a bore that was," said fashion critic Hoity Toity, who came to watch the performance with his two small fillies, "How dare she not sexualize herself for my amusement."
"I mean, she could have twerked all over the pianist, or pretended to hump her cello, or even taken her bowtie off, twirled it around, and then thrown it into the crowd. But no," he added.
Thankfully, the other performers weren't such a bore. One, Lyra Heartstrings, donned a foam finger and proceeded to show the crowd exactly what she would do with it, if she actually ever realized her dream of having hands.
"Wow, she's so cool!" said a small filly, Sunrise Spring, who was in the audience watching, "I want to grow up to be just like her!"
Even the older, aristocratic members of the audience were pleased with Lyra.
"This kicks a particular amount of flank, brother who is actually not related to me!" said Prince Blueblood, another attendee, "Hey, Fancy Pants, pass me that fine cigar, if you would, dear sir."
The high flying socialite obliged.
"Man," he added, taking a toke, holding it in his lungs, and then coughing, "That cigar is quality tobacco right there."
Lyra Heartstrings then grabbed her lyre and smashed it all over the stage at the end of her performance, eliciting cheers from the audience. Later, the next day, her hotel room was found to have been trashed in a raging, cocaine-fueled party.
"You know, we would arrest her for noise, vandalism, or drug violations or something," said Searchy Siezey, a Canterlot Police officer, "But she rocked out so hard last night that we don't even care."
As for Octavia, though, ponies were not impressed. The council for Preserving Sexual Content in Media sent Octavia a formal protest letter about her dignified performance.
"You are supposed to set a good example for our young fillies to follow," the group said, "And yet here you are, not being raunchy at all. This is unacceptable. What's next? Will you do a performance entirely clothed?" Ω
"Ball Emergency Averted Thanks to Overly-Prepared Local Mare"
August 4th, 2013 Ball Emergency Averted Thanks to Overly-Prepared Local Mare
PONYVILLE—Residents of the small town of Ponyville were out of options Sunday as a planned softball game almost didn't happen.
"I told Leather Glove that it was HER turn to bring the ball!" said first basemare Three Strikes, groaning at the team's lack of a ball, "She really dropped the ball on this one. No pun intended."
"Look, I bring the ball every week; it's somepony else's turn," said Leather Glove, outraged, "I made this clear last Sunday after the game. I said, look, somepony else needs to bring the ball."
"I'm tired of carrying all the weight around here," she added, referring to the eight ounce softball which she carries to practice every week for the team's use.
Had the game not gone on, our alternate universe correspondents report that the two teams would have come to blows, riot police would have been called in, and several ponies would have been critically injured. Thankfully, however, this ball emergency was averted by an overly-prepared local mare who did not exist in that alternate universe.
"Hey, everypony, calm down," the mare, Pinkie Pie, said as she stepped in between the two rival teams who were gearing up for a physical altercation, "I have balls stashed all over Ponyville, in case of ball emergencies!"
The pink mare then reached into the trunk of a tree and grabbed a softball which she had apparently stashed there in case anypony was ever in dire need of it.
"Wow, thanks!" all 32 softball players chanted in unison, after which they all made amends, hugged each other, and played a friendly game of softball.
"Don't mention it!" the pink mare responded, grinning.
"She really did us a solid," said Batter Up, another player, "I mean, if she hadn't been so paranoid about ball emergencies that she stashed balls all over Ponyville, who knows what would've happened? I mean, yeah, sure, the chances of something like this EVER happening again are like one in a million, but at least Pinkie will be there."
This incident, as well as the cutie mark mixup incident in which the whole town became angry and depressed over the lack of Pinkie's cheery demeanor, have confirmed that Pinkie Pie is apparently the only thing standing in between Ponyville and complete anarchy. Ω
"Stage Magician Exposed as Just a Regular Unicorn"
July 10, 2013 Fans Outraged as Stage Magician Exposed as Just a Regular Unicorn
LAS PEGASUS—Fans of the famous stage magician, The Great Zambini, were shocked today to find out that he was nothing more than a unicorn using unicorn magic rather than a stage magician using elaborate technical expertise and slight-of-hoof.
After his stage show last Saturday night, The Great Zambini took a bow, but he bowed too deeply and his top hat fell off of his head to reveal a unicorn horn underneath, which was greeted by boos and hisses from his audience.
The Great Zambini, horn accidentaly revealed to his audience
“I just can’t believe it,” said Lightning Dust, a pegasus mare from Cloudsdale visiting Las Pegasus for a weekend of entertainment, binge drinking, and problem gambling, “It just ruined everything. I thought that when he walked into that phone booth and disappeared, there was actually a secret trapdoor he was escaping through. I never conceived that he was a unicorn using his magic to just teleport out.”
“It makes me sick. I want my money back,” she added.
“When he guessed that one mare’s name from the audience, that her favorite color was orange, and that she had two baby colts, I thought he was using a plant in the audience, or cold reading. But now I find out that he was probably just using mind reading magic to find that out. It just spoils the show for me, honestly,” said one stallion, All On Black, a unicorn visiting Las Pegasus from Canterlot.
“We expect tricks when we come here, not actual magic. If I wanted to see actual magic, I’d just walk down the street in Canterlot,” All On Black added.
“Yes, it’s all true,” said The Great Zambini when we caught him getting into his limousine later that night, “When I float a few feet above the stage during my grand finale, it isn’t some elaborate system of wires, or magnets, or anything like that. I’m actually just levitating myself. That’s all it is, and I’m sorry for the deception. Or rather, for using real magic instead of deception.”
The Great Zambini’s lovely assistant, Scantily Clad, couldn’t be reached for comment, so we do not yet know if she, too, was in on it the whole time.
Many of Zambini’s former fans told our reporters that this was the greatest disappointment since strongpony performer Gorlock, the World’s Strongest Pegasus, was revealed to simply be an earth pony with cardboard wings taped to his back. Ω
"'It's What My Cutie Mark Was Telling Me,' Accused Murderer Pleads"
June 7th, 2013 "It's What My Cutie Mark Was Telling Me," Accused Murderer Pleads
Courtroom sketch of the defendant
HORSERA, CLOPORADO--Accused mass murderer James Pones has entered a plea of Cutie Mark insanity, saying that he could not be held responsible for his actions at a movie theater last summer when he killed a dozen ponies at a midnight showing of Batmare Rises, because it's what his cutie mark was telling him to do. Therefore, it had to be his destiny.
A judge has accepted the plea, meaning that the burden now rests on the prosecution to prove that Pones is, in fact, sane.
However, the chances of his plea being successful are very slim, Cloporado University law professor Legalese notes.
"If I had a bit for every time I've seen a pony say that he only did what he did because it was his destiny, and it was what his cutie mark was telling him, I'd be a rich mare," Legalese said.
"But only about 1% of cutie mark pleas are successful. It's very hard to prove that your cutie mark urged you to do something criminal. I mean, look at my cutie mark. It's a picture of a law book. If I assault somepony with a law book, do I get a free pass? I don't think so," she added.
If Pones is found guilty, he could face the death penalty. Death for Pones is theoretically possible in the same way that a pony getting struck by lightning twice is theoretically possible. Yes, if the governor doesn't pardon him like he pardoned that one stallion who killed four people, and the legislature doesn't vote to abolish the death penalty in the years it would take to actually send Pones to his grave, and he doesn't get killed in prison by another inmate, he could conceivably end up with a needle in his arm. In the same way, you could conceivably drop dead of a heart attack right after reading this sentence.
Though it is still a longshot, Pones' insanity plea is helped somewhat by the fact that his cutie mark is a picture of several young fillies and colts running in what appears to be terror. Ω
"Pinkie Pie to Star in New Anti-Drug Advertisement"
The new advertisement, which shows the pink mare annoying her friends to death
PONYVILLE—The Equestrian Meth Project announced on Tuesday that it had found a new face for its well-known advertisements against the drug methamphetamine.
Straight-Edge, a spokesstallion for the group, explained at a press conference why exactly the group had picked Pinkie Pie, who in reality has never done anything stronger than a cup of coffee, for its “Not Even Once” ads.
“Well, we’ve tried over the years to convince everyone to not use crystal meth. We’ve shown how if you even use the drug one time, your life is basically ruined and you’ll end up ugly and homeless and your family will quit loving you, no exceptions. We’ve shown the rotten teeth, blisters, and broken families, but ponies still use the drug. So we asked ourselves, why? It certainly isn’t because meth is addictive or anything, it surely must have been something wrong with our ads,” Straight-Edge said.
“Eventually, we found out that this is because there was one side effect of meth that our ads had never shown before. It’s the worst side effect of all: meth makes you into an annoying, paranoid, non-stop blabbermouth who nopony can stand to be around for even five seconds. So we made an ad with Pinkie Pie and got the most positive results from our focus group that we’d ever seen,” Straight-Edge concluded.
An advanced copy of the television ad was released to the press. In the ad, the pink mare can be seen talking nonstop to a group of friends.
“Do you remember that one time that I threw a BIG party yeah I loved that party because it was the best party of all the parties that I ever threw because there was cotton candy and streamers and balloons and there were like a million ponies over at my house but then Mr. and Mrs. Cake came home and said that I need to quit throwing all of these parties so then I said no and they grounded me for a week and then—TWITCHY TAIL!”
Pinkie Pie then ducks out of the way of a nonexistent falling object and cowers in the corner.
“Pinkie, maybe we can hang out with you again when you get a life,” one of the ponies in her group of friends says. The other two friends concur and they walk out the door. The logo of the Equestrian Meth Project then appears on the screen with the familiar caption, “Meth. Not even once.”
We interviewed Pinkie Pie about her experience with filming the ad.
“It was super-duper fun. I've never done any drugs before, so I didn't know how to act. But they didn’t even give me a script or anything. They just said, ‘just be yourself, and that’s our ad.’ So that’s what I did,” Pinkie said.
Straight-Edge confirmed that the new ads would run alongside the old, gross ones. When our reporters asked Straight-Edge whether or not he felt comfortable with his group’s shameless scare tactics and the thousands of little foals who have undoubtedly been given nightmares from his group’s disgusting, repulsive ads, he simply commented, “That’s never stopped us before.” Ω
"Princess Luna Under Fire for Spying on Reporters' Dreams"
May 20, 2013 Princess Luna Under Fire for Spying on Reporters' Dreams
CANTERLOT—In the latest scandal to hit the Celestia Administration, the government has come under fire from reporters who have produced evidence that government officials have intruded into their dreams.
The Confederated Reporters, the target of the dreamwatching, is a cooperative association of journalists from various media outlets, including The Ponion. The CR has issued a press release calling for Princess Luna to face a legislative inquiry over her role in the dream spying.
“We cannot tolerate this blatant disregard for freedom of dreams and freedom of the press,” said Breaking News, the group’s Spokestallion, in a press conference on Monday. “We call upon Princess Luna to answer congressional charges that she violated the Constitution.”
Princess Luna, right-hand-mare to Princess Celestia and head of the Department of Courts, has been questioned by Congress before. In a hearing last week, she refused to answer any questions and instead yelled “WE ARE NOT AMUSED” and used her magic to cause several lightning strikes. The hearing was then cancelled.
Hundreds of newsponies confirmed that their dreams had been targeted by the overbearing princess.
“I was asleep one night, dreaming about this great story I was going to publish the next day, a story about Equestria’s intervention in the Saddle Arabian lands,” a CR news reporter, Juicy Scoop, told us, “When all of a sudden this shadowy figure walked up behind my desk and said, ‘you better not publish anything about this or I will hurt you.’ I tried to scream, and I tried to fly away, but I couldn’t.”
“Boy, don’t you just hate those dreams where you can’t scream or fly?” she added.
Most of the reporters who were targeted were working on stories related to Equestrian intervention in south Saddle Arabia, where a suspected terrorist was detained for attempting to bomb an Equestria-bound dirigible.
On Monday, it was also revealed that Princess Luna had targeted two reporters from Flamingo News in a separate incident, in which she threatened them in their dreams for speaking to confidential government sources.
“So I was having this dream about one of my sources, and then all of a sudden, he turned into a hydra and gobbled me up,” the Flamingo reporter, Free Press, revealed on Monday.
“When I woke up, at first I thought it was just a bad dream. But then I realized that it was Princess Luna deliberately trying to send me a warning against talking to this source.”
When asked how he knew that it was Princess Luna in particular, Free Press simply answered, “Well, it was a dream. You know how sometimes in a dream you just know stuff? Well, that’s how I knew.”
Princess Luna briefly responded to these allegations on Friday in what could barely be called a press conference.
“We reserve the right to investigate our subject’s dreams as appropriate. We cannot allow any terrorist elements to infiltrate Equestria,” the Princess of the Night said.
“What about the Constitution?” A reporter from the Equestria Inquirer asked.
“No more questions,” said one of Luna’s handlers, as she was escorted off stage without, in fact, answering a single question. Ω
"Rarity, Rainbow Dash Only Barely Know Each Other, Sources Confirm"
May 19, 2013 Rarity, Rainbow Dash Only Barely Know Each Other, Sources Confirm
PONYVILLE—In interviews for The Ponion’s upcoming docu-drama TV series, Behind the Elements, our sources have confirmed that two of the element holders, Rarity and Rainbow Dash, both just barely know each other.
In her interview, Rarity, one of the element holders, was elaborating on her relationship with the other five element holders, “Oh, they’re all my best friends. There’s Twilight, of course. Then there’s Pinkie; she invites me to all of her parties. Then Applejack. She and I are as different as night and day but we have a deep bond regardless, so do our two little sisters. And of course there’s Fluttershy, who I love to go to the spa with and who takes care of Opal when I’m out of town… I think that’s everypony.”
“What about Rainbow Dash?” our interviewer asked.
“Rainbow Dash? Um, er… Yes, I suppose I’ve run into her a few times,” Rarity answered, “We’re more of acquaintances than friends, really. I mean, obviously she wields another element, so I see her whenever we’re off saving the world, which is only occasionally. And I think she might have been the one who rescued me in Cloudsdale when I was plummeting to my doom that one time. Other than that, I must confess I don’t know her all that well.”
“She seems nice, though,” Rarity added.
“Rarity, huh?” said Rainbow Dash in her own interview, “Not ringing a bell. There’s Twilight, who’s the core of the group. Then there’s Applejack, who I’m really competitive with, but all in good sport. There’s Pinkie, who I love to pull pranks with. Last but not least is Fluttershy, who’s been my friend since we were both fillies living in Cloudsdale.”
“Rarity, the white-coated unicorn fashion designer?” our interviewer elaborated.
“Oh, wait, RARITY! I thought you meant somepony else. Yeah, she made me a dress once, along with our other friends. I thought it was pretty cool. She’s the Element of Aesthetics or something, right?” Rainbow Dash answered.
“But I wouldn’t really call her a friend, though. Not like the others, at least. I think she’s cool and all, but honestly I don’t think we’ve ever spoken more than 300 words to each other,” she added.
As little as the two have interacted, however, it is nothing compared to the gap which exists between Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, who sources confirmed have only ever spoken with each other on four occasions since becoming "friends." Ω
"Canterlot Police Stumped by Unsolved Crimes," "ERS Apologizes For Auditing Tea Parties," "3D-Printed Party Cannon Released"
THE PONION Equestria's Finest News Source May 14th, 2013
Stories This Issue Canterlot Police Stumped by High Number of Unsolved Crimes, LOCAL, 1A ERS Apologizes For Unfairly Targeting Tea Parties For Audits, NATIONAL, 1B 3D-Printed Party Cannon Released, BUSINESS, 1C
Canterlot Police Stumped by High Number of Unsolved Crimes
CANTERLOT—Police in the nation’s capital have expressed their concern over a growing number of crimes for which they have absolutely no suspects and no evidence.
“This is a concerning trend. We have no idea who these murderers, thieves, and rapists are. They hardly ever leave a trace,” said Canterlot Police Chief, Gold Badge, at a press conference today.
In the majority-unicorn city, three ponies were shot and two were stabbed over the weekend in separate incidents, and crime scene investigators went to work trying to find possible suspects, but came up short.
“Look at this knife, the murder weapon,” one investigator said, holding up a plastic zip-lock bag containing the bloody knife.
“There’s not a single hoof-print, lip-print, tongue-print or anything on this knife for us to see who possibly could have used it to stab this stallion to death. We know it wasn’t wiped off, because there’s still blood all over the handle. And this happens on a regular basis. How are we supposed to investigate with criminals who never seem to leave a trace? It’s like these murderers never even touch the murder weapons.”
Canterlot has an abysmally low clearance rate, and crime in the unicorn-filled capital of Equestria has been at a higher level than in almost every major city nationwide, with the exceptions of Chiclopo and New Horseleans.
“Half the time when we do come to a crime in progress in time, we try and run after the perp but then, BANG! We all duck just in case it’s gunfire, and then we look back up and the suspect is simply gone. This happens almost half the time we’re pursuing somepony. It’s like they disappear into thin air,” one beat cop, Donut Finnegan, told a reporter.
Violent crime is not the only issue in Canterlot; property crimes have been rampant as well.
“I just sat down on a bench in the park the other day, so I could birdwatch,” one local mare recounted in an interview, “There was nopony else around for at least twenty yards in any direction. I set my purse down beside me. Then, I thought I saw a meadowlark fly by. So I turned to look, glanced around, but couldn’t see it anymore. But then when I turned back not five seconds later, my purse was gone!”
“It’s like it just floated away or something,” she added.
However, police have stressed that the situation is not all negative.
“Despite these setbacks, we do have some good news,” the Police Chief said, “Canterlot has the lowest rate of drug-related offenses of any city in Equestria.”
“That’s reassuring,” said one stallion to a reporter, ”at least I’ll have the comfort of knowing that the guy who murders me is doing it because he truly hates me, and not just because he’s high.” Ω
ERS Apologizes For Unfairly Targeting Tea Parties For Audits
CANTERLOT—Speaking at a press conference today, the commissioner of the Equestrian Revenue Service revealed that his organization had unfairly targeted tea parties for audits.
“It has come to my attention that the ERS has been going after tea parties disproportionately. On behalf of the ERS, I sincerely apologize and promise to go after all parties equally: whether they are tea parties, pizza parties, garden parties, balls, or galas,” said Tax Chaser, the head of the ERS.
Parties are given tax-exempt status as long as no pitch money is collected and no admittance is charged, in which case the cash from these parties must be reported as income.
The scope of the ERS audits was revealed when we interviewed one Ponyville mare who had been audited for having a tea party with her animal friends.
“I was having a tea party with Angel Bunny, Mr. Mouse, and Mr. and Mrs. Beaver,” the mare, a forest ranger named Fluttershy, told us, “When all of a sudden this stallion with a clipboard knocked on the door. I opened it up and he barged right in and started asking me if this was a for-profit party. I told him no, and he said, ‘a likely story’ and then started asking me all these tax questions.
“He asked me whether I itemized or took the standard deduction, whether I could consider these woodland creatures as dependents, and how much money I was making off of this tea party. He told me that if I answered wrong, I would owe thousands of bits and that it would serve me right. I didn’t know how to answer, so I broke down in tears until my accountant arrived.”
“It was awful, just awful,” she added.
Tax Chaser continued, “For years, we have striven to make sure that we maintain objectivity. Whether it’s our progressive tax structure which taxes higher-income ponies a higher percentage of their income, or our disallowing deductions for personal losses while allowing them for business losses, we have tried our best to make sure that our unfair rules apply to everypony equally. But today, we have failed you, Equestria. For that, I offer my most heartfelt apologies and beg for your forgiveness.”
These revelations in addition to other ongoing scandals are sure to bring more scrutiny to immortal alicorn goddess Princess Celestia and her administration, especially given her joking statements made last year at a state dinner about tea parties.
“I’m not too partial to tea parties myself,” said the Princess, “I’m more fond of cake parties, or the Summer Sun Celebration, or the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“Well hey,” she continued, “Maybe I’ll just send some auditors to those tea parties. That would be funny!” Her statements received chuckles from the crowd.
Many taxpayer advocacy groups have vowed that they won’t rest until they uncover the true depth of this scandal.
“We will find every tea party that has been unfairly targeted and we will represent them in court. This administration is the most corrupt in our nation’s history,” said Taxpayers United of Equestria spokestallion, Deduction Seeker.
“Well, actually, it’s the only administration in our nation’s history. Which proves my point,” he added. Ω
3D-Printed Party Cannon Blueprints Released
PONYVILLE—Pinkie Pie Industries, Inc. announced today that it had released the blueprints for a 3D-printed party cannon. "Now everypony can throw a party wherever they want!" the company said in a press release.
3D printing is a complex process by which a printing machine extrudes small strands of molten plastic in layers, building up the desired product bit by bit.
The 3D-printed party cannon is still not perfect; it requires a firing wick made of rope which cannot be printed. It also is only good for shooting one party, as opposed to factory-made cannons which can fire multiple parties.
The enormous printer required for making the party cannon also costs thousands of bits, so don't expect to see too many of these printed cannons around anytime soon. As the technology becomes more available and advanced, prices will surely drop, meaning more party cannons.
However, the company soon had to withdraw the blueprints due to a government request.
"We asked Pinkie Pie industries to withdraw these plans," said a government official who asked not to be named, "These plans could enable dangerous ponies to get their hooves on party cannons and use them to throw drug-fueled raves."
The ERS was also announcing that it was conducting an audit of Pinkie Pie Industries.
However, now that the plans have been released, they are publicly available and thousands of copies of the plans have been made. It will now be impossible to stop transfers of these plans to ponies who want to replicate them and make their own party cannons.
A recent article in Foalbes revealed that thousands of DIY-ers were in the process of printing these cannons using the blueprints.
At press time, sources confirmed that society had yet to collapse from thousands of illegal parties. Ω
Stocks rose again today as investor optimism remained at a high following Friday's uplifting, spontaneous musical number by Pinkie Pie.
SPORTS Soccer riots broke out in the country of Fancy today as the national soccer team won a resounding victory. Equestrians continued to not give a buck about soccer.
WEATHER Wednesday: Winter will finally be wrapped-up, following the equester budget cuts which laid off thousands of pegasi cloud-moving teams and delayed Spring's full implementation for almost two months. Thursday: It will reach a high of 70 degrees by mid-afternoon. Clothes will definitely be unnecessary today. Friday: Temperatures will reach a scalding 90 degrees. More like FRY-day, right?
CLASSIFIED We need a maestro for our orchestra. Must have adequate baton-waving skills. Must be classy and dress in a tuxedo. -Octavia
I'm looking for some phenyl acetate, chrome alum, and monohydrogen phosphate for an experiment I'm conducting. If anypony has these ingredients, I'd be willing to pay a premium for them. -Twilight Sparkle
I'm selling my old sky-yacht. Will accept nothing less than two million bits. Non-negotiable. Harrumph. -Jet Set
"Equestrian Idol Judge Iron Will Quits," "Musical Number Causes Traffic Delay," "Crystal Empire Bans Foal Names 'David,' 'Rachael'"
THE PONION Equestria's Finest News Source May 10th, 2013
Stories This Issue Equestrian Idol Judge Iron Will Quits, ENTERTAINMENT, 1A Spontaneous Musical Number Causes Traffic Delay, LOCAL, 1B Crystal Empire Bans Bizarre Foal Names "David," "Rachael," Among Others, WORLD, 1C
Equestrian Idol Judge Iron Will Quits
APPLEWOOD—After over a decade of judging one of Equestria’s premier talent shows, motivational speaker and Equestrian Idol judge Iron Will has announced that he won’t be returning for another season.
“Well, they weren’t one hundred percent satisfied with my performance this past season, so THEY. PAID. ME. NOTHING!” he shouted to reporters at a press conference Thursday.
“Actually, they were satisfied, I just straight-up quit. It’s been great, but I’ve decided to focus more on my motivational speaking and concerts,” he added.
Iron Will was the longest-serving judge on the show, having been on since its inception. Long-time fans knew him as the more upbeat, energetic counterpart to the acerbic, dismissive judges Hoity Toity and Octavia, while ponies who only occasionally watched simply knew him as “that one minotaur guy.”
He was best-known for his constructive criticism and motivational pumping-up of the contestants, offering them salient advice. He was also known for his collection of catch-phrases, including:
“Sing on key, be all you can be!” “Be prouder, sing louder!” “Pick a better song, so you can sing along!”
“His motivational, witty rhyming phrases really helped me improve my singing voice,” said season four winner and now-famous country singer Cherry Underhooves, “Without his little one-liners to help me, I don’t know where I’d be today. Probably not too successful, that’s for sure.”
However, Iron Will did have his occasional blowups, and was known to be irate with the contestants on more than one occasion.
“Get off stage, or else I’ll RAGE!” he once fumed at a nasally-voiced, horrendously off-key young stallion during season two auditions.
He also was known for deducting points in a somewhat harsh manner if he didn’t feel that contestants were giving their best efforts.
“If you don’t harmonize, I will PENALIZE!” he once said to a season seven contender who had attempted to sing a rendition of “Winter Wrap-Up.” Iron Will then reduced the mare’s score by half, nearly making her that week’s elimination pick.
Equestrian Idol once dominated the competition in the ratings, but the show has been steadily declining over the years as ponies’ incredibly short attention spans have been diverted into other reality shows. Sources confirmed that Iron Will’s departure was the final nail in the coffin for this stagnant, geriatric show.
One pony on the street had this to say, “Wait, Equestrian Idol is still going on? But now with no more Iron Will? But he was cool. Now who else is there? Do they still have that guy with the accent? No? That one hot mare? No? Well, I used to watch it when I had nothing better to do, but now I won’t anymore. Iron Will was pretty much the only thing keeping it going.” Ω
Spontaneous Musical Number Causes Traffic Delays
PONYVILLE—Residents of the city of Ponyville were greeted with an hour-long delay in their morning commute on Friday as a large crowd of ponies broke into a spontaneous song led by a pink party mare.
The song, “Everypony Sing Along With Me,” led by the charismatic Pinkie Pie, resulted in a large, unplanned parade and dance breaking out along Main and Stirrup Streets, in which hundreds of ponies participated, singing along with the lyrics:
“Cause life is just a grand parade, so join me in the cavalcade, every pony sing today, just sing along with me!”
However, the unplanned musical celebration led to a nearly hour-long bottleneck in and around the junction. Ponies were packed flank-to-flank around the avenue, and numerous carriages and cabs blocked the thoroughfare. Some ponies were experiencing road rage.
“You’ve got to be KIDDING me! Yeah, I get it, Ponyville is a happy place and we should all sing and dance. Whoop-de-do. Well, guess what? Now I’m over thirty minutes late to work because I’m caught up in this. I just hope my boss is stuck in traffic too, or else I might be fired. I’m already on my second warning, and I don’t need a third,” local pony Amethyst Star said over the noise of music which could be heard in the background.
This was the worst congestion that Ponyville had experienced since February’s “True, True Friend” incident, which caused a nearly two-hour stoppage in traffic flow.
“Man, it’s times like these that I wish I could just get out and fly over this whole traffic jam,” grumbled another pony, Blossomforth.
“Oh wait, that’s right, I can; I’m a pegasus,” she added as she flew off into the air. Ω
Crystal Empire Bans Foal Names "David," "Rachael," Among Others
CRYSTOPOLIS, CRYSTAL EMPIRE—The Crystal Empire’s Department of Internal Affairs has updated the list of approved and prohibited names to ban several deemed too bizarre or offensive. Names on the list include Rachael, Travis, David, Chelsea, and Peter, among others.
“No, you can’t name your newborn foal ‘James,’ so don’t even ask. Where do ponies even come up with these depraved, reckless combinations of vowels and consonants, anyway?” said the department head, Crystalline Fields.
When our reporters asked whether or not this move potentially violated free speech, Mr. Fields referred us to his department’s legal team, which assured us that this was a perfectly constitutional move under the laws of the Crystal Empire.
“We’ve always reserved the power to ban names. Especially ones that are as weird as Tyler or Marie,” said one government attorney, Revised Code Subsection.
“Nowhere in our Constitution does it guarantee you the right to be silly or outrageous,” Mrs. Subsection added.
While conducting pony-on-the-street interviews about the new bans, our reporters heard similar sentiments among the population.
“Frankly, I’m glad they’re taking this step,” said Starrynight Lullaby, age 34. “What kind of parent names their foal ‘Nicholas’ or ‘Kendra?’ That’s just asking for the filly or colt to be bullied in school, and to have difficulty finding a job. If you want to be safe, just stick with one of the many thousands of names on the list of approved names. Don’t name your kid something stupid.”
After King Sombra was dethroned, some residents of the Crystal Empire still could not remember their own pre-Sombra names, due to suppressed memories from post-traumatic stress disorder. In those cases, residents may either pick a new name for themselves from the list of approved names, or keep their old name.
“If you can’t remember the name that your parents gave you, and you’re having trouble picking a new name for yourself, just use the one that Sombra gave you. That’s what I did,” said another pony we interviewed, Crystal Miner Number 4324. Ω
Stocks continued their week-long rally today as Filthy Rich announced that he was richer, and filthier, than ever. Investors also saw false promise in Europonean markets, naively thinking that they could ever possibly get their utterly hopeless financial house back in order.
SPORTS -Sports star Jason Cloppins shook up the sports world after he confirmed that, yes, his barn door does swing that way. Nopony had any idea what on earth barn doors had to do with hoofball, it was reported.
-Detrot Manticores report that their first-round draft pick looks promising. But hey, let's be honest here, the perennially-underwhelming team will probably continue to suck far into the forseeable future.
WEATHER Friday: That's today. So, whatever it's like outside your window. Saturday: Overcast with a slight chance of chocolate milk if Discord decides that he isn't really reformed and being chaotic is more fun. Sunday: Sun. What, why do you think they call it Sunday? You were expecting the pegasi to schedule rain, or something? Monday: A severe case of the Mondays will roll into town right around 7:00 am and won't subside until at least 5:00 pm, possibly later. Tuesday: Due to a sudden disturbance in the magical force, our forecasters could not see beyond this date. Please try again later.
CLASSIFIED I'm selling a saggy old plow. We finally replaced Big Macintosh's and now we need somepony to take it off our hooves. I'll accept almost any price. -Applejack
Mare looking for a decent time. Not a great time, just a decent time. I'm kind of down in the dumps and anything to cheer me up even slightly would be great. -Q. L.
Need a thickly-scaled baby dragon to act as a pincushion for my many sewing needles. Pay is reasonable. Overtime possible. -Rarity
"Area Resident's House Destroyed for Fourth Time," "Magic Control Debate Rages in Wake of Latest Mass Hypnosis," "Different-Species Marriage Legalized"
THE PONION Equestria's Finest News Source May 8th, 2013
Stories This Issue “Here We Go Again,” Area Resident Groans As House Destroyed For Fourth Time, LOCAL, 1A Magic Control Debate Heats Up in Wake of Latest Mass Hypnosis, NATIONAL, 1B Rode Island Becomes Latest State to Legalize Different-Species Marriage, NATIONAL, 1C
“Here We Go Again,” Area Resident Groans As House Destroyed For Fourth Time
PONYVILLE—Local resident Golden Harvest is once again attempting to piece her life back together after her house was destroyed on Wednesday. This marks the fourth time in just over two years that her humble cottage has been demolished.
“Here we go again,” Golden Harvest said, tilting her head back and letting out an audible groan.
“The first couple of times, I was really sad. I mean, losing your house is hard. But you know what? I’m not even sad anymore. I’m not angry, either. I’m just kind of annoyed at this point.”
Golden Harvest, a full-time gardener, recounted her tale as she sifted through piles of bricks and drywall, retrieving any salvageable photographs and family heirlooms that she could find.
“So the very first time was when the Parasprites came. That one was bad. They ate all the carrots in my garden, and then they lost interest in the carrots and started eating my house.
“The second time was Discord. He turned the house into a cardboard cutout, which he ripped into shreds. I just thought, well, okay life. What else are you gonna throw at me?
“The third time, this giant dragon stomped on my house when he was rampaging through the town. Come to find out, he’s the assistant to the Princess’ favorite student. So I figured, hey, that’s good, maybe Princess Celestia will help out some with the financial stuff. I mean, insurance doesn’t cover everything. But nope! No money for me!”
A reporter observed Golden Harvest’s eyes rolling at this statement.
“And then today, I came home and found my house was destroyed in a runaway pegasi tornado. But hey, I’ve just come to terms with the fact that every six months or so, I’m going to have to start all over again and rebuild my house and my livelihood,” she said, chuckling, “I guess that’s just how it works in Ponyville.”
At press time, sources confirmed that Golden Harvest had contacted a real estate agent in Canterlot, which averages just one town-destroying disaster a year. Ω
Magic Control Debate Heats Up in Wake of Latest Mass Hypnosis
CANTERLOT—In the wake of the most recent school hypnosis, ponies from both sides of the political spectrum have weighed in on proposed new magic control laws designed to prevent further tragedies.
In Pentember, unicorn Sunrise Rays, 24, walked into a classroom in Pristine Gardens Elementary School in Saddleville, Connecticolt and cast the “want it, need it” hypnosis spell on a glue stick. He lured dozens of ponies outside with the adhesive implement, and then threw it in front of a moving train. In total, six young foals were killed and thirteen were critically injured.
“It was horrifying. They were completely entranced by this spell,” one teacher recalled.
This was the deadliest massacre since a unicorn colt committed a similar crime at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns over a decade ago.
Since then, there have been several proposals to limit these types of deadly spells.
“Nopony needs to cast these assault spells, particularly on such a large group of ponies as we saw at Pristine Gardens,” said Cyan Cascade, president of the Bucky Campaign to Limit Deadly Spells. “We support universal background checks and mandatory registration for all unicorns wishing to cast these spells, and we support limiting the number of ponies they can use it on to seven at a time. And we should close the magic show loophole, which enables ponies to learn this and other dangerous spells without passing background checks.”
Blazing Horns, president of the National Magic Association, disagrees. At the NMA’s meeting this week in Horseton, he delivered a rousing speech on constitutional rights to a crowd of thousands of supporters.
“The Constitution of Equestria clearly states that unicorns have a right to use magic! What if Celestia and Luna turn into tyrants and decide they want to banish us all to the moon? We need magic to defend ourselves!”
His speech was greeted with rousing applause, our correspondent in Horseton reported. Blazing Horns is supported by other magic advocates such as economist John Trott, the author of More Magic, Less Crime. He offers statistics to claims that, in fact, magic makes everypony safer.
“The only way to stop a bad pony with a spell is a good pony with a spell,” he was quoted as saying, “Criminals don’t follow the law. If you ask everypony to register their spells, only the good ponies will. In this instance, this school was a ‘magic free zone,’ meaning that the teachers weren’t allowed to use magic to defend their students.”
Some ponies are focusing on mental health issues rather than magic issues.
“Those meanie-pants killer ponies are loco in the coco! We need to get them some treatment. Maybe we could try throwing them a party so that they aren’t so depressed,” one Ponyville resident commented.
Others, such as the Foundation of Justice, argue that stricter penalties are needed.
“Two years ago, a young filly used the want-it, need-it spell on hundreds of residents of Ponyville. Though miraculously nopony died, dozens were injured. But all she got was a five-minute lecture from the Princess. We support raising the mandatory minimum lecture for magic-related offenses to thirty minutes, maybe even an hour,” the Foundation stated in a press release.
That’s not the answer, says Cyan Cascade.
“Stricter penalties won’t solve anything; we need more magic control. Look at Trottingham, where they banned all but the most basic magic spells. There are far fewer ponies killed by magic there than in Equestria.”
But John Trott disagrees.
“Bans won’t solve anything. In Trottingham, fewer ponies were killed before the magic ban. Ponies are going to find ways to kill and injure each other regardless: whether it’s with magic, manticores, parasprites, apple pies, party cannons, or even guns.” Ω
Rode Island Becomes Latest State to Legalize Different-Species Marriage
CELESTIANCE, RODE ISLAND—In a triumph for inter-species couples and advocates, Rode Island became the latest state in Equestria to legalize different-species marriage.
“This is a great day for us, troooooly, and a great day for mixers everywhere,” said local cow, Milky Marietta, to our correspondent. She was standing outside of the statehouse as the governor signed the bill into law. Her Pegasus partner simply nodded his head in agreement, tears of joy in his eyes.
“It’s terrific. We’re already making wedding plans!” said one local donkey, who was there with her unicorn fiancé.
Rode Island is just the latest state to recognize different-species marriage. Other states include Manehattan, Seaddle, Massahoovesets and Vanhoover. In addition, the state of Cloporado recently legalized civil unions.
Nor is Equestria alone in the world. Internationally, countries to legalize different-species marriage include Horseugal, Saddleand and Mexicolt. The country of Fancy just recently legalized it. Griffany already has civil unions, and marriage is being debated.
“Now, mixed-species couples will be able to legally adopt children and visit each other in the hospital,” the Governor stated as he signed the bill into law.
Not everypony, however, was enthusiastic about the change. Members of local religious organizations gathered to protest the new law. Some, such as one couple from Ponyville, traveled many miles to voice their opinions.
“Mixers should not get married. I have nothing against them, but them getting married devalues the traditional institution of marriage,” said unicorn Lyra Heartstrings.
“I agree. Marriage is between a pony and a pony. It’s been that way for thousands of years,” said Bon Bon, her wife. Ω
Stocks edged higher today as Sweet Apple Acres announced the release of its new apples this fall. Speculators had widely been expecting a statement on this sometime during Applebuck season, so the early announcement came as a surprise to some investors.
SPORTS Canterlot Derby winner, Derby Hooves*, is accused of using Rainbow Juice. Allegations are unconfirmed as of yet, but we're putting an asterisk there just in case.
WEATHER Monday: Fog all across Equestria. Plan accordingly. Tuesday: A cool, breezy 52 degrees. Wednesday: Cloudy, unless you live in Cloudsdale, in which case it's so high up in the atmosphere that there are never any clouds above you, just below you. Thursday: A light shower or two. Friday: Maybe we'll finally see some sun if Rainbow Dash gets her lazy flank up and clears those clouds. Saturday: Still waiting. Sunday: Rainbow Daaaaaaaaashhh!
CLASSIFIED If you don't mind, I really need a pony to help me out with the annual bunny census. I don't have that many bits to pay you, but I really, really need somepony's help. Counting thousands of bunnies is hard. So, please, help. If that's okay with you, of course. -Fluttershy
We're selling an old used carriage. It's pretty okay. It only has about 230,000 miles on it. It needs new wooden spokes, the front fender is cracked, and the interior smells like dragon smoke, but other than that, it's a great ride. Can you PLEEEEEEASE buy it? What can we do to get you into this carriage? We're trying to get our cutie marks! -Cutie Mark Crusader Used Carriage Salesponies
