A Displaced story, but every cliche and step of the way goes wrong, and most of the time I die.
Every trope gets broken and nothing goes right for our unlikeable and shallow hero: me, who gets transported to Equestria after buying a Bleach weapon at Comic-Con...somehow.
(I dunno how that works. How in the heck does buying a Bleach weapon take you to Equestria of all places?!)
All around me were unfamiliar faces in a not-so-worn-out place. To be more precise, I was at Comic-Con San Diego.
Now, to be fair, I was apprehensive of attending. I had heard bad things about this event, and being the shut-in I was, I preferred to be alone in my room, making no noise and pretending I didn't exist. But the friends I had made online had pressured me into going at last.
So I had saved up most of my life savings for a plane ticket across the country, the hotel we'd be staying at, and the costume I'd be attending in. It had cost me a few thousand dollars, which was a lot for me--I was only 20 years old, and my money was hard-earned. But hopefully this would be an event I'd remember more than the money I'd earned.
The rest of my friends I had met were also staying there. To be honest, it was an experience I didn't like. I had associated them mostly as disembodied avatars and a quirky personality through typed words. To meet them face-to-face, see how they looked, hear their voices, find out their real names--even which gender they were, in some cases--was a disheartening slap from reality. I almost preferred it when I didn't know them so personally.
For the past two days, I had wandered around the convention. Not aware of social expectations, I was taken aback. Everyone in the building was like me. Nerdy, awkward, excitable. People would shout out old memes, bad jokes, and JoJo's references out of nowhere. What surprised me was the fact that no one ate much at all, preferring instead to attend panels of cartoon creators. One was an event where sweaty nerds talked about cute animated girls, and the other was a necessary human function everyone needed to survive.
I hadn't eaten a proper meal in two days.
I barely even noticed. The event was so immersive that other unnecessary functions shut down. I attended panels, watched new trailers, and got my mind blown at least five times a day. But I mostly spent money. The lines moved at a millimeter per hour, but by the end of each day, I had amassed so much memorabilia to add to my collection that I didn't care about the lines.
On the final day, I had gotten lost in the crowd as usual. My phone was on 45%, I could barely see over the crowd's heads, and my supply of money was running out. When this happened, I usually drifted along until I ended up at a random stand. So I did.
Ten minutes later, I ended up at a stand I could have sworn wasn't there before. It was in a corner on the second floor, and nobody else was near it--a fifteen-foot radius was around the foreboding stand.
I looked around. Everyone I saw on the edges of the circle were moving in slow motion, like they were walking in a sea of honey.
“Good sir.” He bore a remarkable resemblance to the merchant from Resident Evil 4, which I honestly expected from a comic-con event. “Care to sample my wares?”
I eyed him strangely. I smoothed out the wrinkled outfit of my Ichigo Kurosaki uniform from Bleach and tramped my way over with trepidation. “What do you have to sell?”
“Looking to protect yourself, or deal some damage?” he mystically asked.
I slyly nodded at the Skyrim reference and looked over the table. There were prop weapons and folded shirts, mugs like black skulls and plastic dragon bones, and collectible figurines. But only one item caught my eye.
It was a long glass box, next to a Beta Capsule from Ultraman, containing a long, familiar weapon. I pointed at it. “Is that-?”
“That?” He laughed. “That's it, all right. It would complete your costume, I think.”
It was Renji's Zanpakuto, the legendary weapon from the show. Being a massive Bleach fan, I knew I had to have it.
“This...will make a fine addition to my collection,” I whispered, remembering the general who spoke those words.
“I can guarantee that at least. It has all the powers of the sword from the anime. The real deal. For a price, it can be all yours.”
I admit, I reached for it, pulling out my wallet at the same time. But as I opened it and saw the small amount of cash inside, I dismayed. “H-how much is this again?”
“For you?” he reiterated with a smirk. “One hundred dollars. A guaranteed bargain.”
I thumbed through my wallet. Only three fifties were inside. I had already spent most of my reserved money, and I knew I would be behind my rent for the next two months. Pushing aside my greedy thoughts, I shook my head. “Come on, the Zanpakuto? That's nonsense.”
“No,” he insisted. “This one is real. Trust me.”
“How?”
“Well, you see-” he started, then faltered. “You know, um...One thing I should...I, uh...y-...you know, most people don't actually reach this point. Most people would just accept the artifacts I sell.”
“Most people?” I asked dubiously. “Do other people buy stuff from you?”
“...yes…” he slowly said. “And then they write fanfiction about their experiences with them.”
“Is the fanfiction good?” I asked eagerly.
The man looked uncomfortable and didn't respond.
I eyed the blade again. It looked so good. But I looked down at my wallet once more, and sighed with regret.
“Look, I'd love to, but I don't have much money left. I gotta go.” I turned around and walked off.
“You need to buy this sword now!” he yelled after me.
I wheeled around in fright. His voice had changed drastically.
“I don't even like anime all that much!” he roared in admittance. “I only sell this stuff to get rid of the people who like bad anime in the first place! I'm doing the world a favor!”
“Bleach is a good anime!” I defended hotly.
“If I were to lay my eyes on an episode of that group of emo dunderheads, I would replace my vision with another kind of bleach to purge it from my eyes!”
“Hey, don't talk bad about Bleach! It's a really good show!”
The man angrily slammed his hands on his counter and motioned getting up.
I bolted for the safe space of real time. Just before I escaped the bubble of alternate reality the man had emanated from his display, I turned back to look at him.
He was just sitting there behind the stand. He hadn't moved an inch.
“Aren't you going to chase me down?” I taunted.
“I can't physically move from this chair!” he responded in frustration. “I just stay here for the entire story!”
“Story? What story?”
“Never you mind! Buy the stinking sword so you can leave in peace!”
“No, dude! I said I'm good!”
“I'm going to make you!”
“What are you going to do, yell at me?!”
“I'm going to say please! Really loudly!”
“So say it!”
“...PLEASE!”
“No!”
“That didn't work?!” He kicked his stand angrily. “I was sure that would work! Dang it!”
I stepped further away from the eccentric old man and slowly, the real world came into focus. People moved at a normal pace, and my vision became not so blurred.
I looked back where the man once was. The stand was gone.
I felt a twinge of regret at not having that awesome sword. But I also felt happy I was finally away from him.
“I dunno, man. I don't have much money to spare. A hundred bucks for a sword?”
“Well, if you want, I'll lower the price to fifty!” the man indignantly replied. “Do you want the sword or not?”
“I…” My wallet would still be considerably lighter. A third of my money, gone. “Look, it's a cool sword and all, but-”
“All right, fine! Twenty-five, take it or leave it!”
It wasn't going to get any better than this, and it was a cool sword. “Sold.”
When I gave the change to him and he gently, excitedly picked up the sword, I was trembling, like I was about to get struck by lightning upon contact. He gently, gently, with a knowing gleam in his eye, laid the weapon in my hands.
Nothing whatsoever happened.
The man's expression deteriorated to a disappointed demeanor. “Huh. That's strange. I could have thought…” He took the sword out of my hands and put it in my hands again, like he was expecting something to happen.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“It was supposed to work,” he muttered.
“What was supposed to work? Should I check the batteries, or…”
The man exhaled through his nose and put his hands on his hips. “Nothing. You just...take the sword. Go ahead.”
I nodded slowly. “Okay, I'm gonna...go…”
He waved me off in annoyance. “Have a nice day.”
And I walked off, clutching the awesome sword in my white-knuckled hands.
Before I could walk all the way away, I heard the man furiously kick his display table and angrily bellow, "DANG IT!"
When the old man laid the weapon in my hands, I felt a surge of electricity spark from the scabbard and flow through my hands. I stared in awestruck wonder as the power of the mystical artifact coursed through my body and made the hair on my back stand up.
“Have a pleasant time in your new land of Equestria,” the man said with an evil grin. “And be sure to write all about it for the world to endure!”
Just before I fainted from the powerful overload, the man widened his eyes. “Wait, is that going to Equestria at all? What if you're going to Winterfell or Tatooine instead? Or...someplace...far worse! No! NO! Give it to me! This isn't the plan!”
I was too weak to comprehend it immediately, but the man suddenly reached for the weapon in my hands as if to wrest it from my grip. Before he could, however, the world vanished in a flash of white, and I felt myself drift away into sleep.
I weakly opened my eyes. The sun was shining directly in them, making me blink before sitting up and making out the terrain.
All around me were flowing hills in crests of green. The sky was vivid blue, the clouds were white and puffy, and the sun was...a baby face?
I stumbled back in shock, and the sun-baby smiled and laughed cheerfully.
I wheeled around, checking my surroundings. Twenty feet away, four eight-foot-tall giants looked down at me with overdrawn lips in an obscene smile. They were red, purple, yellow, and green, and had strange symbols on their skulls like TV antennas.
I'm in the Teletubbies!
I swiftly drew my new awesome Bleach sword and considered my options. I wasn't on earth anymore, I was alone, and I couldn't communicate with the inhabitants, who were waddling over to me cheerfully. My family would never hear about me anyway, and I would spend the rest of my life in the Teletubbies TV show world.
I can't live like this anymore! I eventually decided in grief.
Then I took a deep breath, reversed the blade to point at my chest, and fell on my sword. Blood flew out and colored the jade grass under me a ruby hue. My warm liquid life cascading from underneath me was making me feel woozy.
The last thing I remembered before fading away was the inhuman shrieks of shock from the blood-spattered Teletubbies.
“Have a pleasant time in Equestria,” the old man said with a wide grin.
Yellow electricity leaped from the sword, curled up my arms, and sparked in my ears like a cracking whip, but I heard the word Equestria clearly.
You see, I forgot to tell you. I'm also a huge fan of My Little Pony. So I was pleasantly surprised when I heard the news. I loved Equestria and its inhabitants. They were some of my favorite characters in all of pop culture. Spending time with Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie for the rest of my life wouldn't be too bad. We'd have so much fun together, assuming we could figure out our differences.
I didn't have much time to comprehend it, however, because in the time frame of a fingersnap, I blacked out.
I awoke to the sound of roaring wind. I opened my eyes with strain, and tears leaked out and flew past my head. Beneath me was a minuscule version of the Castle of the Two Sisters, dilapidated and in ruin. The ground was getting larger by the second.
I was falling.
I screamed and flailed my arms helplessly. The ground was only five hundred feet below me when I understood my situation. I wouldn't survive it.
I hit the flagstones of a castle battlement on my spine, and pain blinded my senses. I bounced off it and plummeted even more before smacking my skull into a staircase. I bounced step after step like a clown and hit the stone floor hard.
Then I died.
If I Go to Equestria and Get Into My First Battle, But I Immediately Die Because I'm a N00B
When my consciousness slowly returned, I blinked eye crud out of my face and looked around. I was lying on my back, presumably from a solid impact. Luckily I hadn't fallen too far.
After sitting up on my butt, I stood up. I was in a dilapidated ruin of a cold stone castle. Cobwebs stretched in the corners and rubble caked the floor. The stones in the walls were as crumbly as stale bread.
I nervously fondled the sword hanging at my side. Somehow I had been taken in my outfit with the magic sword to this new place. I half-drew the blade, and the high-pitched sound it made echoed in the old ruin.
I cringed slightly, then relaxed. Nothing was there.
After confirming my position, I began to weave my way deeper into the castle ruin. Having my right hand on the handle of my sword brought some semblance of stability to my frame, but the overpowering dread all around me made me tremble nonetheless. It was so dark…and it was cold. Stiflingly cold, the kind of cold that permeated the cells in my body and froze my veins to a crawling trudge.
My mind, though, was going a mile a minute. I was on the verge of panic. Nothing like this had happened to me before. Was I abducted into some sort of escape room by the comic-con staff? Because if I was, the way they had done it was badly executed. There was a nagging thought, however, that this wasn't a simple prank. It scared me and made sense to my beleaguered brain, so I stayed far away from it.
After mostly wandering around, I eventually came out of a doorway into an abandoned courtyard, where darkness ruled the heavens above and ruin reigned the ground. The only thing of note in the courtyard was a pedestal in the middle holding five stone spheres.
I made my way over in curiosity. When I was close enough, I slowly reached my hand out to fondle one of the orbs.
“Not so fast, lowly creature!”
I wheeled around in fright, looking at the opposite end of the courtyard.
At the northern end of the courtyard, an ebony, regal winged unicorn, with black armor and teal feline pupils, stared me down with a hateful glare. A tangible aura of menace radiated off her like smoke from a fire, dripping like fog into the ground and spilling over the cobblestones like a flood of water, obscuring my feet and her hooves.
I recognized this pony. I knew her.
“Y-you?” I whispered in shock, drawing the Zanpakuto. The sword grew in length to become a serrated black-and-white-edged blade that I held in two hands. The blade in my hands was shaking imperceptibly.
“Yea, unknown creature,” the winged unicorn emanated in a mystical tone. The fog seeped across the ground, making me feel like I was in a dream. Or a nightmare.
“ ‘Tis I,” the creature continued. “Who is the pony thou speakest to again?”
“You're Nightmare Moon,” I whispered. The flat tip of my sword dipped. “From-”
“From the legends.” Nightmare Moon incorrectly finished. She smiled, showing her fangs. “Congratulations on thy knowledge of Equestrian mythology.”
If by mythology she meant the TV canon, she was right. It also confirmed the sneaking suspicion that the old man at the con was also correct. For some odd reason, I was in the land of Equestria.
I had seen the show rather recently, and I was getting through season 5 just as the Comic-Con started. I knew plenty about the show already, but not enough to certify myself as a full-fledged brony.
“Now, my subject!” Nightmare Moon declared regally. “The night reigneth. Bow down and serve thy eternal ruler.”
Though my knees were weak, I managed to straighten them and lift my blade. “Not if I have anything to say about it!”
“You're kidding.” Nightmare Moon looked exasperated. “You're kidding, right? That's the best thing you could have chosen to say?”
I held the sword in front of my face. Resolve flooded my body. I could do this. I needed to do this. I could destroy Nightmare Moon. If the powers of the sword were real--which I was willing to accept, as the day had been going down a rabbit hole already--then I could trap her soul. Zanpakuto could hurt spirits, deities, and other spiritual monsters. It could surely have an effect on Nightmare Moon.
I whirled the sword above my head. I hadn’t been trained in wielding a sword before, but I had seen Bleach so often now that I knew exactly what I was doing.
“Nightmare Moon!” I bellowed. “You have failed Equestria!”
And I charged, cleaving the sword downward.
Nightmare Moon boredly immobilized me, and after solidifying me like a statue with my sword above my head, shot a laser blast from her horn. The bolt of powerful magic struck against my chest. It was like she had thrown a clump of lava into my chest, and my body roared in burning pain.
Flaming, I tumbled like a ragdoll and finally hit the base of my scalp against the ground. The last thing I remembered was that Nightmare Moon cackled madly amidst a flash of lightning.
Then I died.
If I Try To Awaken A New Power Within Me, But I Fail And Immediately Die
“Nightmare Moon!” I bellowed with all the force I could muster. “You have failed Equestria!”
Nightmare Moon didn't even respond to the Arrow reference. Instead she fired a powerful laser at my face.
I flurried the blade in front of my face wildly, and to my immense surprise, the laser bolt deflected off my wide blade and ricocheted into the stone floor, blowing rubble into the air with an explosive burst.
Being the shut-in loser that I am, I had watched a lot of anime, so my next step was to charge wildly at her while cleaving my blade downward. I was sure that it would work.
The alicorn, however, had either watched a lot of anime herself or she simply knew what I was doing next. She stepped aside and stuck out her leg. I stumbled over it like I was in a Loony Toons cartoon and collapsed on the ground. My awesome Bleach sword skittered away beyond my arm’s reach.
I wiggled over to the sword on my elbows, but Nightmare Moon stomped on my arm, halting my movement. Looking up, I saw that her round face was amused, but disappointed.
“Thou must be joking,” she bluntly said. “Thou canst not be so pathetic if thou art indeed a warrior, as thou appeareth to be from thy garb.”
Stupid Ichigo outfit. For the first time I cursed my above-average cosplay-making abilities.
Nightmare Moon took my arm, raised it above her head, and negligently hurled me across the courtyard. I rolled on impact and hit an opposite wall so hard stars began to dance in my eyes. Weakly, I crawled away, but it was a slow and staggering ordeal.
“Say goodbye to thy life, foolish warrior!” Nightmare Moon cried. The chime from her horn shimmered in my ears.
The magic sound reminded me that magical powers existed among all living creatures in Equestria. I was now a living creature in Equestria, so it would naturally be certain that I would now possess some measure of magic.
All this raced through my head in a fraction of a second. When it did, I knew what I had to do. I already had a mystical sword that had all the powers from the anime. Maybe upon coming here, I had acquired additional magic as well.
There was only one option left. No road left but the one that leads to the end.
With little hope that it might actually work, I stretched forth my hand towards my sword with determination nonetheless. I imagined Luke Skywalker reaching out with the Force in the Wampa cave in Empire Strikes Back. I reached for my sword with all my might and will, and commanded it to come to my hand.
Nothing happened. The sword didn't budge.
Nightmare Moon triumphantly fired a laser at my face, and my head promptly blew off.
Then I freaking died.
If I Awaken A New Power and Get A New Body, But Nightmare Moon Gets The Better of Me
I reached out my arm imploringly, willing the sword to return to my hand. I thought about Luke Skywalker in the Wampa cave, and emptied my head of any other resolve I had, focusing instead on my desire to fight.
The sword began to levitate, buzzing slightly as my will took control.
Nightmare Moon let out a triumphant cackle as she fired a heavy laser blast at me.
The Zankaputo, however, shot between me and the laser blast, deflecting the projectile down at Nightmare's hooves. It threw a fountain of pebbles and rubble into her face, making her stumble.
The large sword then zoomed to my hand, and as it connected, I felt a surge of power run through my arm and into the handle. My mind became clear as my instincts took control. I felt as if I knew exactly what to do in that given moment. My nerdiness melted away. I even felt the fat on my hips sloughing off and evaporating. I was turning into a warrior.
After I felt the metamorphosis end, I looked down and gasped. Because my robe was open, displaying my chest, I could see the change that had taken place. I was now totally ripped. As in, row upon row of abs, like Eren Yeager's Attack Titan. My biceps were the size of my calves, and my calves were as thick as my thighs. My hair had grown longer and more frazzled, and my normally imperfect vision was now 20/20.
Planting the sword tip into the ground, I stood up and stared down the alicorn devil.
For her part, she looked as if she knew exactly what was happening.
“What is happening?!” she cried.
Never mind.
“Isn't it obvious?” I asked as casually as I could, keeping my ecstatic voice from trembling. “I've become a Shinigami Jedi!” I swung the massive sword experimentally. “A...a ShiniJedi!”
Nightmare facehooved and winced. It made sense for it to hurt, given her ornate metal shoes. “That has got to be the worst possible thing I have ever heard since returning from the moon.”
“Well, yeah, but you only returned from the moon a few hours ago,” I pointed out helpfully.
“And it maketh me want to return to the moon once more!” she retorted. “What pride is there in reigning over a world with you in it?”
That hurt. But as I reflected on her hurtful statement, it also presented an opportunity to permanently solve this problem.
“How about I take you up on that?” I asked.
For the first time, Nightmare Moon looked confused. “What sayest thou?”
“If you return to the moon, then you won't be bothered by me anymore,” I patiently explained, like a teacher telling his students that two and two equal four. Being in this new fabulous, hunky body made me feel a little arrogant, I admit. “Come on, I think you don't want to be around me for much longer, right?”
“Thou...makest a good point,” she admitted, a hoof to her chin. “Thou art indeed so cringeworthy that it maketh every instinct in my body to tell me to flee from thee. If we are on different celestial bodies, we have no quarrel.”
“Now you're getting it!” I sarcastically applauded, ignoring the insult of cringeworthy.
Nightmare's face brightened deviously. “If we are on different celestial bodies...we have no quarrel!” She grinned, as mischievous as her tone.
That grin threw me off. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I want to get as far away from you as possible, but I also want to rule Equestria, so…” She shrugged, igniting her horn with a smirk. “I'll have my cake and eat it too. Enjoy my banishment!”
Before I could respond, I felt myself disappear from the world in the snap of a finger.
It was pressing all around me. I didn't know what it was, but it was cold and coming everywhere, tightening my blood vessels and squeezing my eyes from their sockets.
I let go of my Zankaputo, and it lazily drifted off in the cold heart of space.
Looking up, I saw a lush blue planet with large spots of green hanging there in space.
Looking down, I saw the barren grey surface of an ancient volcanic land.
“Come on, Nightmare,” I coldly said, twirling the sword in my hands, even though I was inexperienced. “If you don't want to be on the same planet as me, just go back to the moon.”
“But I don't want to go back to the moon!” she protested, firing a laser at me. “I want to rule Equestria!”
I deflected the laser blast, and the bolt ricocheted into the ground. “Maybe you would have better success in trying to win the ponies over to your side than in ruling over them!”
“What meanest thou?” Nightmare asked, pausing in combat.
“If you apologized to Celestia for kidnapping her and desired to rule by her side, she'd welcome you back with open arms!” I reasoned slowly. “Your way is full of flaws. Without the sun, the world is going to grow barren and cold, and the ponies of this land will die. Who is going to be left to worship you?”
That seemed to strike a chord with her. She licked her lips in thought and pawed at the ground.
“I mean, look, I get it. You were wronged in the past. Sorry. But what, are you gonna destroy the world and expect ponies to worship you as you want them to?”
“I likest thou not because thou hast pointed out flaws in my plan,” Nightmare said huffingly. Then her expression softened. “But those flaws are pretty stupid, I guess. What wouldst thou recommend?”
“...Like I said,” I said impatiently. “Make it up to Celestia, and she'll gladly welcome you back. Celestia isn't the kind of pony to reject your apology.”
“She is, however, the sort of pony to send me to the moon!”
“Because you were about to destroy the world!” I retorted heavily. “And besides, would you rather have her kill you? Sending you to the moon was an act of mercy, because it allowed for you to have a potential second chance at redemption! She still loves you enough to let you try again for the right way!”
Nightmare blinked in surprise. She lowered her head in thought.
“What is the right way?” she whispered.
“Not destroying the world,” I helpfully supplied.
“And reuniting with my sister?” she whispered, much softer than her booming tone.
I noticed her change in tone and accordingly changed my own. “Yes.”
I then knelt down, laying my sword in front of me like a proper honorable warrior that I saw in anime. “I can help you do it, Nightmare. You can do it. This dream you have is a nightmare for many others. But together… we can dream a better dream.” I held out my hand. “What do you say?”
Nightmare thought about it. I could see from the way her face contorted in anguish and thought. I waited on her reply with bated breath.
Finally, Nightmare looked me in the eye and gently smiled.
“Nope!”
And she blasted me in the face, tearing the flesh off my bone.
Then I died.
If My Dreams Get Dashed Before My Eyes and My Day Is Ruined
I knelt down, laying my sword in front of me like a proper honorable warrior that I saw all the time in anime. “I can help you do it, Nightmare. You can do it. This dream you have is a nightmare for many others. But together… we can dream a better dream.” I held out my hand. “What do you say?”
Nightmare thought about it. I could see from the way her face contorted in anguish and thought. I waited on her reply with bated breath.
Finally, Nightmare looked me in the eye and gently smiled.
“I'll try it.” She then pointed at me seriously. “One-time offer, though. If things don't turn out so well, I'll come back and kill you.”
“Fine by me,” I answered. I decided to keep my inward comment that Nightmare wouldn't be able to conquer a ShiniJedi like me.
Nightmare Moon’s lancelike horn glowed midnight blue, and she disappeared in a flash of white.
The instant she disappeared, I heard several skids behind me and a few gasps of wonder and intrigue. Several new beings had entered the castle.
I swiveled around. There, in a doorway leading to the courtyard, were six little ponies I knew very, very well. They were the legendary Mane Six, the poster ponies of friendship and the bearers of the Elements of Harmony.
Since I first began watching the show, I had noticed there was a very human portion alloted to each of them. I related to each of them as if I was spread among each entity. Twilight's nerdiness. Fluttershy's shyness. Applejack's...Hold on. Let's skip her for now. Um...Rarity's...wait, I don't know how I can relate to her either. Um, hold on. Rainbow Dash's...awesome...ness? And Pinkie Pie's’ funniness.
Okay, to rephrase that, I was disproportionally spread amongst each of the six girls. But I still loved each and every single one of them.
However, seeing all of them there in front of me, a detail I had suspicions about came back to me in full force. It wasn't that it was the girls that needed to reform Nightmare Moon. And it wasn't that I had stopped them from getting their Elements of Harmony. Those details were unnecessary. Instead, it was a detail I would notice about them immediately.
“Twilight?” Fluttershy stammered. “I d-don't know who th-this is! Who is h-he?”
“Well, he's no Nightmare Moon, that's for sure,” Rarity uneasily replied before Twilight could answer.
“Is he another spy?” Rainbow asked brashly. “Or a warrior we have to face before we take ‘er down? Like a boss fight!”
“Why aren't you anthro?” I asked abruptly. “There must be some mistake.”
Twilight lifted a suspicious eyebrow. “I'm sorry...what?”
“Anthropomorphic,” I clarified. “You know…”
Their faces portrayed confusion.
“You know, tall like me?” I asked, using my hand motions to stretch out something invisible. “On two legs...kinda human-esque, but you still have fuzzy ears and a tail and...a mane and stuff…”
“Human?” Applejack asked.
“What's a hyoo-man?” Rainbow asked. “Some kind of ear infection?”
“No, no. It's my race. Tall, two legs, fingers, stuff like that. And, um…” I used my hands to make two curving motions on my chest. “The females have, like, these...things.”
Applejack raised a thin eyebrow.
“Okay, like, these things are very...appealing to us Alpha males. Like me. There must be some kind of mistake. I must be in the wrong Equestria.”
“Hold on!” Pinkie erupted from the back. “You only want our boobs!”
“What?” I shook my head furiously. “No, no, of course-”
“Are we just sex toys?” Rarity exclaimed angrily, stamping on the ground. “That's all you're searching for in us?”
“You're a monster!” Twilight agreed, chiming her horn in defense.
“All I thought is that as long as I'm going to another land, it'll conform to my species'-”
Twilight fired a shocking spell at my chest, and I rattled in place before falling over and banging my head on the cobblestones, making black spots dance in my vision.
I turned around upon hearing the fearful whispers behind me, and I saw a very pleasing sight. Six colorful anthropomorphic mares, lithe, tall, and gorgeous, were whispering amongst themselves at my appearance.
I recognized all of them almost instantly. Their color schemes gave them away almost instantly. They had on clothes--some casual, some formal button-ups--but they all looked gorgeous. Their flurrying whispers were worried.
“Who is he? I haven't seen a breed like him before!”
“Well, Rarity, maybe he's lost. We should talk to him.”
“What are you talking about, Fluttershy? He's in the castle! He could be an agent of Nightmare Moon!”
“I don't think that's the case, Rainbow Dash. He looks pretty spent already. What if he'd fought her already? I don't see her around. Maybe he drove her off!”
“Ah agree with Twilight. He don't look like he's ‘bout ta harm us. Ain't nuthin’ ‘bout ‘im that screams he's a threat ta us. Come ta think of it, he looks...kinda spellbound, almost.”
“Do you like parties?”
The question from Pinkie Pie made me shake my head and snap me back to reality. Pinkie had shot up close to me, and I leaned back to observe her appearance. She was in a light blue shirt with a pink skirt, and striped socks ran up to her thighs and fit into her small shoes.
“...P-Parties? Of course I like parties!” I hastily said, eyeing her.
“That's kind of a given statement, Pinkie,” Rainbow boredly said, folding her arms. She was in a black tank top with dark blue sweatpants. “Don't ask such obvious questions!” Then she suspiciously strolled over to me and bent over so we were face to face. “Are you a spy?”
“I prefer Heavy myself,” I joked.
She looked confused. “Um...okay…”
“If you ask him outright if he's a spy, he isn't going to say he's a spy!” Rarity admonished. Her white shirt, tucked into black pants, barely contained her buxom figure. “Now let's try this again.” She gave me a sweet smile. “Darling, what's your name?”
I mumbled something I thought was my name, captivated by her attractive poise.
“I understand,” Fluttershy whispered, trying to empathize with me. And yeah, she was great with understanding me, and I should have paid attention to that aspect, but pssht, whatever! She was hot! A low-cut white tee that was tied off at her navel, and a long green skirt, made her look absolutely stunning.
I almost lost the next couple of words she said.
“I'm shy around new ponies as well. I don't know how well you’re handling this, but if you want, you could stay with us. Do you want to come back to Ponyville?”
“Yes,” I slurred.
Twilight and Applejack stepped forward to regard me. Applejack was in a plaid shirt much too small for her, and had long ragged jeans. Twilight wore a violet button-up shirt and a short skirt that came to her knees. It was her that spoke. “We were tracking Nightmare Moon into the Everfree Forest. Did you see her here?”
I nodded, overlooking the question of why the mares would enter a dangerous forest dressed like they were out on a date. “Yeah. I saw her. I even fought her.” I held up the Zanpakuto, and its edges shimmered in the night sky. “With this baby here.”
“What a big blade!” Rarity admired, running her eyes up and down the sword. She put her hands on her hips. “How does that fit in its sheath?”
“That's what she said,” I whispered.
“What, darling? I couldn't hear that.”
“Oh, uh, nothing!” I stood up and held the blade at my side. “Anyway, I drove her off and persuaded her to come to Princess Celestia and talk. Don't worry. I think this'll work. So, uh, where's town?”
“We'll lead ya to it,” Applejack offered. “C'mon. Let's git a-movin’!”
As I followed Applejack and the rest of the girls, I noticed that they all were glancing back at me with interest or widening their eyes and smiling slyly. I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I could clearly infer what was happening.
“So,” Pinkie said cheerfully, falling back to stroll next to me. “What now?”
“Um...I dunno,” I admitted. I shrugged. “I mean, now that I'm here, what am I gonna do? There isn't a threat I have to take care of anymore, and I don't know how to get back home, and I don't want to get back home, and what's in the past is in the past. So, um...I guess...I'll hang out with you for the rest of my life?”
The girls all made affirmative chirps and answers, which seemed to make me glow inside and make me smile. Everything was going perfect for me. I had all these powers I coincidentally loved, but I had no direction, no plot, no interesting bits about me, no meaning to me being here in Equestria, and nothing for me to do except be pampered by my new implied marefriends.
