Finieous Fingers the self proclaimed worlds greatest thief gets sent to Equestria
The one and only Finieous fingers fanfic on the internet. Come read this revolutionary piece of fanfiction!
Finieous Fingers, the worlds greatest thief (so he says) has been offered a job by the princess of friendship. defeat the evil wizard Kask, who already has bad blood with our hero due to some stuff in the original storyline of the dragonmag comic, and his army of both ponified (side effect of entering equestria in most cases,) and not ponified, Orcs, goblins, kobolds, and other cliched fantasy monsters. Will he succeed? Probably , because that's how these stories usually work out in the end, it's practically a requirement. Will it be a zany ride that shamelessly crosses over with other franchises than listed? Definitely.
The unofficial continued adventures of Finieous Fingers or, Rabbit holes don't always lead to wonderland
The worlds greatest thief, Finieous Fingers was going through a dungeon corridor with his Fighter pals, and best friends of a sort, Fred and Charly. After walking for a while (and grumbling about when the DM was going to roll for wandering monsters) They saw a really strange sight. And it ran by saying loudly, "I'm late! I'm late!"
"Fred, Charly, take a look at this! A rabbit in fancy clothes and holding a pocket watch! " Finieous exclaimed, "That watch is probably worth a few hundred GP, and who knows, it might be a magic item! Let's go!"
"And think of the XP bonus!" hollered Fred as he pulled out his one handed broadsword. Charly followed suit with a +3 dagger
As they scrambled after the white rabbit, they didn't notice when the dungeon faded away, and they were running through a meadow. They eventually saw it jump into a rabbit hole and Finieous, Fred, and Charly disappeared from view as they went after it.
As they fell down they noticed a bunch of cupboards and shelves lining the walls, but when Finieous opened one, "There's nothing of value in them, just old jam jars." Eventually they hit the ground hard. and they staggered up looking like they only were spared by the fact falling damage caps at 10d6 damage.
Eventually, they followed the sound of the white rabbit to a corridor lined with doors with a single sign on the largest one which says, Wonderland Dungeon. After checking each door and rolling a check with thieves tools, the doors were all locked.
Than Fred piped up "Shouldn't we try using this tiny glass key I found on this table?"
They tried every door with it, and the one it unlocked would have not been out of place in a dollhouse. Eventually they checked where the key was and there were three bottles marked DRINK ME.
First they checked to make sure it was not a potion of poison, (good thing thieves can use magic items of any type, including identify spell scrolls,) then they each downed their potion at the same time and found themselves rapidly shrinking.
They found themselves 3 inches tall, then opened the door with the key, stepped through, and found themselves once again outside with a town in the distance, at least what they could see through the grass blades. A table with 3 more potions marked DRINK THIS, IT WILL GET YOU BACK INTO A MORE COMFORTABLE FORM.
Charly remarked, "I'm not sure if this is a good idea, the last one we drank got us in this mess." Finieous replied, "But it is the only possible solution I see, so lets drink these potions! "
They found themselves growing larger, and their forms shifting, Finieous sprouting feathers, a beak, and some wings, and morphing into a griffin, Fred and Charly polymorphing into earth ponies, and their armor and weapons adjusting.
Charly said, "I told you so."
P.S Why might they know what they are turning into? This is fantasy, don't knock it
the continued unofficial adventures of finieous fingers or How the ranger got dragged into this.
Rupert the ranger was having a fine time sneaking around the woods picking off lone orcs, when suddenly a familiar scene happened. Just because he botches a single shot and misses the orc, he found himself surrounded by the orc and it's friends.
The moment before they approach he pulls out his magic berserker summoning horn which resounds loudly! Maybe this time he won't get-
"Hi there! Bert the magic berserker here!"
"Not again! Why do I always get you?!" Rupert cried. With that, he prepared to fight to the death...
"Wait," Bert cried, "Between the time you last summoned me, I did enough adventuring to become an 18th level wizard! I can grant you a wish!"
"Well that's fine and dandy!" Rupert muttered"I wish I was with my friend Finieous, wherever that is, it's probably better than here!"
The next thing he knows, he and Bert the magic-user/berserker were teleported to some meadow, where a griffin that looked suspiciously like Finieous, and 2 earth ponies that looked like Fred and Charly.
"My job is done, and now I leave." And with that, Bert poofed away.
"Rupert! what are you doing here? I thought you were off killing orcs in the woods!" yelled the griffin that looked like Finieous Fingers.
"Finieous, is that you? Who polymorphed you all and did a rule 63 to you? "
"Long story short, don't drink unmarked potions. Wait a rule 63? What's that? "
"I'd explain, but mentioning the history would disrupt the integrity of the setting. It seems that your gender has been swapped."
Finieous looked aghast. "The others?"
Rupert replied, "Do not seem to have not been gender swapped."
"First the hobbits, than the wizard, now this! Why do I the worlds greatest comic, fanfic in this case, thief keep on having stuff like this happen to me? Why?????? "
Charly piped up, "Probably because you are the main protagonist."
Finieous stopped and scratched her beak. "Oh, Right. I miss our original cartoonist, he at least didn't inflict random tropes on helpless protagonists."
Rupert replied, "Be grateful! if it weren't for him, we'd still be an old comic in the back of old dragon magazine issues. We're here, even if it is with bad chacterization."
Than, where the original potions Finieous and co. drank were, another appeared labeled RUPERT, DRINK ME.
Rupert drank it And promptly morphed into a green pegasi with a bow and arrow cutie mark, with his gear adjusting to fit him.
Rupert looked up to the sky and hollered, "Stupid Author! It is very cheap to force someone to do an action by writing that he does it!"
A voice, sounding like that of a 13 year old adolescent, rumbled from above, "This isn't canon so your reputation will be just fine. Look, I'll give you five hundred gold pieces just to be quiet"
"Fictional characters have rights! You cannot silence me! I will not be-"
End chapter
Note to self Make sure the characters don't get to uppity.
the continued unofficial adventures of finieous fingers or, meanwhile in a certain town...
3 hours before finieous arrived "Twilight! come quick! Some weird hairy footed guys are robbing sweet apple acres!" With those words from Rainbow Dash, The Princess of Friendship teleported to her friend Applejack's family farm to find a bunch of hairy footed short guys in bandit masks and cloaks armed with daggers carrying off barrels of cider. The Mayor ran up to Twilight looking panicked, but relieved.
"Thank goodness! These fiends have been robbing every place in town! They said they were some kind of thieves guild called the Hobbits and- Ack!" The Mayor fell over with a bunch of daggers and arrows in her back, and all of her valuables, and the shirt on her back, stripped in 5 seconds flat, putting a certain pegasus to shame.
The other element bearers (with the exception of Fluttershy) were kiboshing as many hobbits as they could, and they were able to eventually drive most of the hobbits and minimize theft losses, though they made off with about a dozen barrels.
Rainbow Dash sighed and helped Scootaloo and the other cmcs out from under the cider cart. "I could really go for some cider right now! Those hobbits are nasty little buggers! " All of the element bearers grabbed cups and took a moment to relax. Everyone poured out a cup and put it to their lips
Suddenly the crusaders dropped their cups, ripped off their masks to reveal hobbits, "We're also masters of disguise that poison drinks for fun! "
Luckily nopony had drunk it yet so they were able to capture them easily with all the fury of a certain pegasus denied cider.
The interrogation was as follows, with character deducible by color
Who are you cider poisoning jerks!!!!
Just p-poor innocent hobbits!
Innocent why you-
Rainbow, calm down they probably have a reason
It wasn't our fault! A-an evil Wizard Named Kask forced us to do it! He put a p-plague on the shire and kidnapped our p-princess!
That's horrible! Where is this wizard?
In his castle he transported here! It's 500 miles thataway (points north)
I thought the wizard hire-
(whispers to hobbit #2) shh! they don't know that!
Well than it's settled! we get additional help and we set off to defeat this wizard!
end chapter
authors note: Never trust a hobbit, those furry footed buggers will knife you first chance they get.
The continuing adventures of one finieous fingers or getting back to our titular hero
Hobbits 1 and 2 hightailed it to The Tower of Telemark, which had been magically transported from the world of it's origin. They spent several hours in the lobby before the wizard let them in for a report.
Hobbit 1 spoke first "My lord, we were robbing this town see-" Hobbit 2 picked up from there, " and one of those pony creatures possessed both wings and a horn. The sight of that put us slightly off guard, and they gave us and the others a beating worse than what we got from the 10,000 chinese peasants Finieous fingers brought when we took over his town! We were forced to reveal your presence! Please don't punish 2 and I !"
Kask scowled. "Perhaps we can get some benefit from this turn of events."
He sent for his Crystal ball and proceeded to scry upon his enemies.
"Oh great Crystal ball, show me who They who will undo my plans"
The crystal ball went into split screen mode and showed both 2 earth ponies, a pegasi, and a gryphon, and the element bearers he had heard of. He looked closer and noticed something unexpected.
"That Gryphon looks like that blasted thief."
He looked closer. Other than the gender swap...
"Wait a second! That IS Finieous fingers!"
The even more cliched and increasingly poorly written adventures of finieous fingers or How to hire adventurers with a musical number ripped off from the greatest showman
"Tell me again why we're in this town Finieous?" mused Charly as they strolled through the village known as Ponyville.
Finieous shrugged, "The writer simply wanted to speed things up. On a different note, where can we get some nice work for a couple warriors and thief. "
They started to notice that there were signs advertising a job perfect for them.
Wanted
Heroes of the highest caliber of skill
Apply within the castle of friendship
It didn't take them long to find it (it is a large crystal castle after all) and found they were the only ones interested in the job.
When they entered they were they were immediately grilled by a blue pegasus with a rainbow striped name (I mean mane, but my typo is accurate too) . Finieous then had the pony,horse, whatever the term is pushed up against his-her beak (this rule 63 stuff was confusing her).
"You don't look awesome enough to be able to take an evil wizard! Drop and give me 50 !"
Finieous, Rupert, Charly, and Fred all joined in, mainly because they were too scared to do otherwise. They were soon all tired out, but the pegasus seemed satisfied.
They were ushered to a crystal table where what looked like a map of this whole crazy place. At the head was what looked like a purple unicorn with wings.
"My name is Twilight Sparkle. I was hoping to find some heroes that could help us defeat an evil wizard who is threatening Equestria.
Finieous scoffed. "This tiny village? What's the use in conquering that?"
The unicorn motioned to the map. "All of this is Equestria actually."
Finieous than had a thought. "How much am I getting paid for this job?"
Charly interrupted. "Finieous, you mean what we get?"
"Hush. You're only a Henchman so I give you your regular paycheck."
"Anyways, what's my cut?"
"We send you home."
"How'd you know we weren't from here."
"It was obvious from your lack of the knowledge of our world. Are you humans usually?"
"Yes, Rupert's a half-elf though, but what payment upfront?"
Twilight sighed.
Right here, right now I put the offer out I don't want to chase you down I know you see it You run with me And I can cut you free Out of the drudgery and walls you keep in So trade that typical for something colorful And if it's crazy, live a little crazy You can play it sensible, a king of conventional Or you can risk it all and see...
Don't you wanna get away from the same old part you gotta play? 'Cause I got what you need So come with me and take the ride It'll take you to the other side 'Cause you can do like you do Or you can do like me Stay in the cage, or you finally take the key Oh, damn! Suddenly you're free to fly It'll take you to the other side
Finieous smirked:
Okay, my friend, you wanna cut me in Well, I hate to tell you, but it just won't happen So thanks, but no I think I'm good to go 'Cause I quite enjoy the life you say I'm trapped in Now I admire you, and that whole show you do You're on to something, really it's something But I live among the swells, and we don't pick up peanut shells I'll have to leave that up to you
Don't you know that I'm OK with this uptown part I get to play? 'Cause I got what I need and I don't wanna take the ride I don't need to see the other side So go and do like you do I'm good to do like me Ain't in a cage, so I don't need to take the key Oh, damn! Can't you see I'm doing fine? I don't need to see the other side
Now is this really how you'd like to spend your days? Whiskey and misery, and parties and plays?
If I were mixed up with you, I'd be the talk of the town Disgraced and disowned, another one of the clowns
But you would finally live a little, finally laugh a little Just let me give you the freedom to dream and it'll Wake you up and cure your aching Take your walls and start 'em breaking Now that's a deal that seems worth taking But I guess I'll leave that up to you
Well, it's intriguing, but to go would cost me greatly So what percentage of the show would I be taking?
Fair enough, you'd want a piece of all the action I'd give you seven, we could shake and make it happen
I wasn't born this morning, eighteen would be just fine
Why not just go ahead and ask for nickels on the dime
Fifteen
I'd do eight
Twelve
Maybe nine
Ten!
They shook. "Deal."
They both began to sing,
Don't you wanna get away to a whole new part you're gonna play 'Cause I got what you need, so come with me and take the ride To the other side So if you do like I do So if you do like me Forget the cage, 'cause we know how to make the key Oh, damn! Suddenly we're free to fly We're going to the other side So if you do like I do (To the other side) So if you do like me (We're going to the other side) 'Cause if we do we're going to the other side We're going to the other side
As the last note died, Finieous took a breath. "Wow. First musical number, and not bad, other than the author crudely pasting the lyrics and not even changing them to fit the circumstances.."
"I haven't done a number like that since season 9 ended."
Both realized that this was no time for 4th wall breaks, especially since it was out of character for Twilight.
There was work to be done.
A chapter where for once finieous fingers does not show up, or Minion recruitment #1
The wizard Kask was needing minions. Those pitiful Bilbo Baggins ripoffs would not suffice, and he had left behind most of his army. This needed to be remedied.
He sent this ad to the Evil Mook Gazette, Favored newspaper of bulk rate cannon fodder across the multiverse.
Wanted!
Meat shields Minions
Please bring video of your past work
We are an equal opportunity destroyer.
The following scenes are reconstructed from the audition tapes.
1. The Vikings
Kask smiled. He was sure vikings always could be trusted to be bloodthirsty. After all, stereotypes were never wrong.
His hopes were slightly dashed when when a bunch of muppet-orcs walked in and dashed his hopes for anyone to take him seriously
The next unsuitable candidates to show up for his ad were a bunch of weird yellow pill guys. he found out after a single comprehend languages, were literally called minions, and they were willing to work for bananas. The about 3 billion of them sent forward a single, very professional looking Minion, dressed in a suit and tie.
"Pardon my compatriots. They tend to make a most unprofessional mess of every bloody thing. But then again, that is why I am doing the talking. My name is Thaddeus."
He extended his hand out for a formal hand shake.
Kask gawked. This one had just spoken perfect english, and in a british accent no less. He accepted the hand.
"My associates always mean well, but they have had (ahem) accidents in holding down work. I personally did not have any hand in them."
Thaddeus shook his head. "Many villains, destroyed by the bunch of Lunatics I am ashamed to be associated with."
Kask looked at Thaddeus.
"Answer me this. You have captured a princess and are holding her for ransom. You have subsequently captured the champion set to save her. What do you do, to make sure that there are no further attempts to stop your plan? "
Thaddeus did a wicked smile. "That is simple. (Authors note. The hidden text is rated R. Read at your own risk. I did not even realize I could write something that twisted.)Flay him alive, boil his organs, use his blood as warpaint, and send what is left of him back to the king via 3rd class mail. In less violent words, kill him."
Kask grinned. "Thaddeus, you're hired. The rest of you..."
The trap door opened, sending the other minions into a portal to heck.
Thaddeus smirked, "Good riddance."
Kask looked at Thaddeus and said, "I do believe this is the start of a nice partnership between two Lawful evil individuals. But we must wait until we have an army."
And so the recruitment continued, and the trap door to heck t'would open many more times...
"Hey! Guard #2! do you hear that?" Guard #2 woke from his on the job nap, "It sounds like singing!"
They rushed to the other end of the castle where it seems a small dwarvish clan was digging a hole under the back wall.
Born underground, suckled from a teat of stone Raised in the dark, the safety of our mountain home Skin made of iron, our presence completely unknown To dig and dig under the gates They won't hear us from a mile away!
1 mile away Derpy Hooves wondered why someone wanted a 30 pound bolder delivered to the princess of friendship but she sure as heck would get it there pronto! The address was even weirder
To the Princess of Friendship from her old friend D.X.M. air drop in vicinity of source of music.
It was possible to deliver due to the music being unmistakable.
Back at the castle
Guard #1 sent a message to the barracks, send out grond the merciless pronto stop intruders sited stop
Pinkie broke in on the proceedings of the digging, "Bad guy incoming! Minor key!" The dwarf musicians swapped to a minor key, and the singing stopped.
Grond came to the entrance of the hole. Finieous whimpered, "Oh shit! we're screwed! "
They all set out to commit hara-kiri a long hard battle against Grond, who came in like a wrecking ball.
When they everyone thought they would not survive to see tomorrow, Battered before they could react by Grond unstoppable rage.
Twilight yelled, "How do we stop him?" "I don't know how!"
BONG!
Just then, the mail came. Right on Grond's head.
"Hey Twilight! I just need you to sign for this package from a mister X Machina! He also sent this! "
Dearest Twilight,
I give you this only weakness in recognition for 9 years of good times. Sorry you only got a cameo in G5!
