What is that smell?
As you gain consciousness your nose is greeted with a foul odour, reminding you of a mixture of sulphur, rotten wood, and decaying flesh. As the putrid smell becomes too strong to ignore, you slowly open your eyelids to identify the source of the smell. As your eyes begin to focus, you notice what looks like a crude wooden sculpture of a wolf’s head facing you.
Although your mind may be a bit groggy, you managed to make a cohesive thought, “Who the fuck is tying to troll me with this poor excuse of a decorative air freshener?”
The bulk of the sculpture is clearly made of logs, the ‘muzzle’ containing pointed stakes that are meant to represent teeth. The head also has a pair of leaves for eyebrows, how cute. Your eyes trail to under the natural versions of drawn-on eyebrows, looking into the sculpture's eyes that give off an eerie green glow.
They blink.
This is added with what you just realised are sniffing sounds coming from the end of the muzzle helped you come to a conclusion: This sculpture is alive!
Despite the obvious danger you're in, your body remains stiff, leaving only your eyes to wander frantically while your breathing and heartbeat work at the same pace.
Okay, I've never had sleep paralysis before, but I'd never expect this!
Just as the timber wolf opens its jaws to break open your skull, the wolf's head explodes into splinters. Luckily, none of it hit your face, instead the debris lands a few feet to your left as if they were carried by some kind of force from a projectile.
“Ya better get up now. That doggy ain' gonna stay down for long.”
Who the fuck was that!?
A feminine country accent spoke before you check to see the source of the projectile. Your eyes moved to see what looks like a horse. Although it wasn't any horse you know. The first notable difference is she’s a pastelle orange with a straw coloured mane tied with a red band, her tail also sharing her mane’s colour and accessory. She's also adorned with a cowboy hat upon her head. Her emerald eyes stare at you with panic and concern. “Oh dear. I'm guessin’ ya can't move?”
You think!?
The orange horse faces up towards the sky while holding a touch, then points a light into the night sky, projecting a spotlight containing a silhouette of three apples into the night clouds.
A few seconds later, a rainbow streak flew down from the sky but didn't land on the ground, instead hovering mid air. “Hey, AJ!” With a raspy tomboy-ish voice, this horse was a sky blue with a messy rainbow mane and tail. Unlike the orange horse, this one has wings. “Looks like you've found-” she turns towards you and squints, “-him?”
“I think ya right. And thank goodness you're here, Rainbow! We're gonna need to get him out of here ASAP!” The orange horse points a hoof to the shrapnel she caused earlier, a green smog emanating from said pile.
‘Rainbow’ shakes her head. “Sorry, AJ, but I can't carry him, he's going to be too heavy for me to carry while flying.”
Is this quadrupedal bug calling me fat?
“Hold on, I'll go and get he-”
Before the blue horse finished her sentence, a teal light burst from thin air, leaving another horse in its place. This one was a light lavender with a deep violet mane and tail that both had a teal stroke through them. This one had a small round-tipped horn on its head.
Okay, this is getting too weird. Did I take the wrong meds before bed? Or maybe this is one of those trippy dreams.
The horned horse spoke, “Sorry I didn't come sooner, Applejack, but I saw Rainbow Dash fly to here and I wanted to check to see if you found the creature.” You know this one is a unicorn, you're not that dense. Said unicorn looks over at you and sighs in relief, “And it looks like I was right.”
“Cool, cool. Now can you teleport us out of here? We have a Timber Wolf just over there! And I'm sure more are on their way!” The blue horse called Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if these are horses. They're too small and cute to be horses. What are they called… Shitlands? No that's not it… porny… pone… ponies, that's right!
“Ah’ agree with Dash, Starlight. Ah’ may have given that doggy a good buckin’, but it won't be down for long.” Applejack agreed with Rainbow Dash.
“Hold on a sec.” ‘Starlight’ points her horn toward you and…
Fuck! Don't shoot me-!
And a beam of light ‘scans’ you over. After she finished scanning, she turns to the other two ponies. “It doesn't seem to be in any condition for teleporting. I get it'd be the quickest option, but I don't want to cause any more potential damage. We'll have to get it out of here on foot. I'll carry them with my magic while you two cover me while we make our way out of the Everfree.”
“Alright then, ‘though we better get goin’ now.” Said the orange pony in an anxious tone. You follow her line of sight and the wooden pile is… floating? Fucking floating?!
Out of nowhere you feel your body being lifted off the ground as you're surrounded by an unknown teal light and carried across the forest while two of the ponies gallop and Rainbow Dash flies through the forest. The sensation feels weird, like your body is slowly being stroked by millions of tiny fingers.
Suddenly, you hear the sounds of howling followed by the clanging of wood and rustling foliage. The timber wolves are hunting you. As Rainbow and AJ fend off the mystery wooden mechs with their respective speed and strength, you begin to panic as much as a statue could.
And you pass out.
Once again, you regain consciousness. Although this time, you were blessed with not being woken up by one of your botched cooking attempts but the smell of… stone?
You gently open your eyes to find yourself staring at a ceiling made of what looks like purple crystal. You push yourself up and- oops, you swiftly pass out again.
Luckily, you were out for no more than a minute, this time… probably. You open your eyelids once more, sitting up slowly to scout your surroundings.
As you expected, the room also appears to be made out of a violet crystalline material, although much more decorated with switling patterns than the ceiling. The bed you're sitting on appears to be a wooden, baby blue, king-sized bed. The other furniture in the room all have a similar colouration, including a dresser, a small chair, and a set of drawers. The style of this room is a bit fancy for your taste, but you cannot deny how cozy it feels.
You stretch your back then look down at yourself, realising you're wearing your pyjamas you remember getting to bed in last night. As you try to get out of bed, you suddenly feel and electrical shock from your feet that carries through the rest of your body, causing you to recoil in pain; although said pain wasn't any worse than a dozen pin pricks, you big baby.
“Fuck! What the hell was that!?” You yell. You realise this has gotten something between your legs to stiffen. Since when was this your kink?
That was when you hear hoofsteps followed by some sparkling noises and the bedroom door creaking open.
Since when was there a door? Wait, of course there was a door! ‘Cos how would I have been here? Well, maybe teleportation but that's just science fiction.
Speaking of, where am I? Last thing I remember was this weird dream with a wooden dog and some adorable hors- ponies. This hasn't got anything to do with them right? Like, they took me to bed for some rest? Nah, I'm being held captive by the secret government for whatever reason those fucking nutters have.
Oh shit! My bone!
As you hide your tiny tent under the duvet, a figure enters the room, their appearance proves your latter theory wrong. It was another pony, but this one was slightly taller than the ones in your dream.
No wait, that can't be a dream. Or am I still dreaming?
This pony you suspect was another female, seeing as she has long eyelashes. What caught you off guard was that she had both wings and a horn, the former seem to be larger than the blue, winged pony’s. And you bet she might have some crazy thighs that could crush your skull like a sparrow egg.
And no, that is not what I want… right now.
That thought doesn't help your awkward situation under the bed sheets.
The pony who entered the room has a deep lavender coat, her purple mane has a forelock done in a fringe that has a pink stripe down the middle.
The purple pony entered the room in what looks to be a cautious manner, a concerned look on her face. “Hello? How are you feeling?” Her voice was soft and a bit nasally.
“Uuh…” is all you can say as you’re still processing what's going on.
“Did you say something earlier?”
You continued to stare until you realised you should say something. “Uh, yeah. Pardon my… *ahem* language, I'm just not used to being electrocuted as soon as I try to get out of bed.” Unless you count that one time you stepped on a damaged wire.
The pony hybrid's irises shrink and her mouths agapes. “You actually talk… I knew it!” The cute winged-unicorn’s expression changes to a more giddy look until she composed herself. “Keep it together Twilight. You need to do a safety check, first.” She mutters to herself.
“Safety check?”
“Did I say that part out loud?” Twilight said sheepishly.
“Uh… yeah, you did.”
“Ah, sorry about that. Anywho, presume you're wondering what's going on?”
“I would say I'm confused as if I'm on a lightspeed rollercoaster through many dimensions of hell. But sure, let's go with that.”
Seriously brain? Did you have to say it like that? REALLY!?
You decide to try not to talk too much until your brain fully boots up in an hour.
“Oookay. It's nothing to be afraid of. Just a few questions to see what your intentions are. But before that, let me introduce myself. My name's Twilight Sparkle! Now that's out of the way, I'll need to call one of my friends before we can start.” She turns towards the door and shouts, “Applejack! You can come in now!”
Following her call, a ‘regular’ pony trotted into the room. This one you recognise as the orange one that ‘scannered’ that wooden wolf's head into splinters. As much as you want to say this out loud, you decide to stay silent.
“Howdy. Name's Applejack. Ah’m gonna be here to make sure ya ain't lyin’.” Applejack warned.
“Affirmative.” You replied.
Why the fuck did I say “affirmative”? This isn't the navy! Although it somehow feels like it.
“Alrighty then. First question: why are you here?”
“I have no fucking idea.”
A slight irritation creeps on her face. “Okay. An’ ya better clean up yer language. Twi, here, is a princess if you haven't guessed.”
Twilight rolls her eyes.
“Oh um, sorry.” You replied.
“That's alright. Second question: Any idea how you've gotten here?”
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
“Okay, final question before I let Twi question ya some more. Are ya here to cause disharmony?”
“An… oddly specific question but I don't think so?”
Applejack stares at you silently as if looking into your very soul, making your spine shiver. This lasts a few seconds until she turns to Twilight. “He's a bit out of it and a few apples short, but he's tellin’ the truth.”
“Thanks AJ.” Twilight turns to me as a paper and quill flashes into existence from a bright purple light and hovers the utensils under her chin.” What are y-”
“IS HE AWAKE YET?” A familiar voice calls down what you guess is a hall.
“Seriously, Rainbow!?” Twilight called back with an irritated edge.
Out of nowhere, a blue streak enters the room and crashes into the invisible force field. “Ow! Twi, I know Starlight wanted to play it safe and place an invisible shield around the bed, but did she have to make it electrified?”
“If ‘ya knew it was there, why did you crash into it?”
“... Shuddup.” Rainbow muttered as she landed beside the other two ponies.
Before either the two ponies or yourself get another word on, Twilight makes a second attempt to ask her first question. “As I was saying, what are you?”
“Uh… I'm a man?”
“What is a... man?”
“It's short for ‘human’ which is what my species is called.”
“Are you carnivorous?” You notice Twilight's horn is lit up in a magenta aura, the same aura surrounding the floating paper and quill, said quill scribbling on the paper.
It took you a moment staring at the floating items before you realised you still needed to answer the question. “Oh! Well, omnivorous would be more accurate. I do like my meat, but it's not a strict diet.” This got a gulp from the purple and cyan ponies.
“Were… ponies part of your diet?”
“Absolutely not.” You sternly answered. This got the ponies to sigh in relief.
“What do you eat, then?”
“Well, mainly cow, pig, chicken, veggies, fruits, bread, and various sweets. I'm not the pickiest of eaters. Although I have standards like not eating anything sentient or something I would keep as a pet.”
Why does she have to ask this when I've just been rethinking my diet?
“I see.” Was all the princess said before she asked one final question, “Do you have any magical abi-”
“Twilight!” Yet another familiar voice calls from outside the door.
“Oh for the love of- We're in here, Starlight!”
You hear galloping until a light lavender mare enters the room.
Oh that's right! Female horses are mares! I'm guessing ponies are the saaa-
You pause for a moment. You don't know why, but as the mare enters the room, you can't help but stare for a few seconds. You realise you forgot to breathe and try to remind yourself how to do so.
“Hey, Starlight. We've confirmed this-” Twilight turns towards you. “Hoo-maann, is it?” She asks.
“Yeah. But you don't need to stretch it out that long.” You answer.
“Thank you.” She turns back to Starlight. “ Could you take down the shields please?”
“Of course! I apologise if it seemed unnecessary, but I wanted to play it safe!” Starlight seemed a bit agitated. Can't blame her as you're probably an alien in her eyes.
Starlight’s horn lights up teal and the walls disappear. Or at least you think they have as you can't actually see them. “There you go, you can get up now!” Starlight suggested.
“Thanks…” As you begin to take off the covers, you notice your little pole is still standing tall. Your hosts may be ponies, but you don't feel comfortable getting up with a full erection on-show, especially with how your pyjamas aren't that baggy. “You know what? Would you mind if I stay here for a moment? I do take a while to ge-”
“Nope! You're getting up! I am not going to delay this any longer!” Twilight interjected, more confidentiality than when she first arrived in the room.
With a glow of her horn, Twilight ripped your sheets off, showing your tent in all its glory. Before you had the chance to cover up your shame-
“Watch out!” Starlight's horn activates and-
“FUUUUUU-”
Well…. There goes your virginity.