//------------------------------//
// Mama Drama 
// Story: Adventures of thestral Anon 
// by ImNew2023 
//------------------------------//

Having covertly snuck to Anon’s house on the edge of the Everfree. The Elements, Spike and Anon went through her many scrapbooks and mementos in an effort to track down all Anon’s potential baby mamas.

“You keep a list of all the mares you’ve slept with?” Rainbow asked with a judging tone.

“Hey keeping track of where my wang made contact has paid off hasn’t it?” Anon argued.

“Anon darling” Rarity interrupted.

“Yeah?”

“Why is my mother’s address in this book?” She asked.

The room went quiet as the girls all looked at Anon.

Seeing she was on the brink of death, Anon thought very carefully about what she said next.

“I wouldn’t kiss her on the lips for a while. Or indeed, the butt” 

…

Outside, Cream knocked on the door. Anon left the palace in a rush and she was worried about her husband… wife? 

The pony who got her pregnant, she was worried about the pony who got her pregnant.

“Anon? Are you in there?” Cream called out.

Hearing a sudden crashing sound, Cream pushed the door open.

Now she’s seen a lot of strange things since meeting Anon.

Hell she has to put up with them every morning.

But seeing her husband/wife getting choked by Rarity while the rest of the Elements tried to pull her away.

“A-P-R-I-L F-O-O-L-S” Anon tried to spit out while being choked.

“Rarity stop choking Anon! She said April fools it means she’s joking! Anon didn’t sleep with your mother!” Twilight begged.

Finally prying Rarity off of Anon, they stopped to catch their breath.

“Oh hey Cream, what are you doing here?” Anon asked, nervously chuckling as her ears folded back.

Noticing the books, Cream raised an eyebrow as she looked at Anon.

“Anon, why are you looking through books filled with random mare’s names?” She asked sternly.

As she began to sweat profusely, Anon began digging through her brain to figure out a very convincing lie.

“Well you see my loving, understanding, forgiving wife… Pinkie is looking for her birth parents” Anon lied through her teeth.

“But my mom and dad are my birth par-“ Pinkie began before her mouth received Anon’s hoof.

Not buying it, Cream resorted to the only method other than the offering of threesomes that worked when she wanted the truth out of Anon.

Threats.

“Anon” she began.

“Yes my beloved angel?” Anon replied, still sweating profusely.

“I’ll put it in a way you can understand. If you don’t tell me what’s going on right now, I’ll drag you home by your mane, get my “toy chest” and use its contents to make a real mare out of you” Cream stated.

With the vivid image going through everyone’s minds, it took a few seconds before she got a response.

“Can I watch?” Rainbow asked.

“Rainbow!” Rarity scolded.

“Ok ok ok ok, but you have to promise you won’t be mad” Anon said.

“The longer you stall the bigger it’ll get” Cream warned.

“Ok you know how I was a wild and vigorous stud before we met? Well as it turns out, I accidentally erased magic back birth control from the timeline and-“ Anon began before being interrupted.

“Magic backed what?” Cream asked, having never heard of it in this timeline.

“Oh it was a pill infused with magic that stops you getting pregnant if you don’t want to” Anon explained quickly.

“Anyways, I accidentally erased it from existence and now I may or may not have a few extra kids from previous… relations, and I was trying to secretly find out without telling you because I promised no more surprises” Anon finished.

Processing this information for a second or two, Cream gave Anon a sympathetic look.

“Sweetie, you don’t have to hide these things from me. Wait, they were conceived before we met, right?” Cream asked.

“Oh yeah, months before we met” Anon confirmed.

“Oh good. Anyhow, you don’t need to feel like you have to hide things from me because you’re scared I’ll get mad. We’re married, you can always tell me anything” Cream explained.

Breathing a sigh of relief, and mentally grumbling as she realised the complex bush disguised she made to escape the palace unnoticed were meaningless, Anon couldn’t help but chuckle lightly at the whole thing.

“So, any idea how many foals you have? One, two?” Cream asked.

“Up to one hundred and eighty” Anon corrected.

That’s when Cream’s expression turned from understanding to an unamused expression similar to Maud’s.

“You’re not going to divorce me are you?” Anon asked nervously.

Not answering, Cream moved past Anon. 

Watching her go to a cupboard the Mane 6 watched in amazement as Cream took down and drank an entire two gallon barrel of apple cider.

Wiping her mouth, Cream looked back at her husband/wife with a flat expression.

“Alright, let’s sort through this list” she said.

One hour later

“You owe over two hundred and forty million bits” Twilight said, holding a calculator in her magical grip.

Dropping her jaw to the floor, Anon blinked a few times.

“Wha- HOW!?” Anon asked, unable to believe that was an accurate number.

“Well if all of these mares have at least one foal, the average single Equestrian father pays 24% of his income. Meaning if you make 5 million bits a year that equals two hundred and forty million bits. So unless you make an appeal you’ll be paying out a buck ton” Twilight explained.

Inside Anon’s mind, she was screaming. Small imaginary replications of herself were setting fire to everything.

“Wait a minute, how much money do you actually make Anon?” Twilight asked.

Not responding, Anon began to worry everyone else as she stood there, jaw to the floor and eyes wide open.

“Anon?” Cream asked, now starting to get worried for her husband/wife.

“Is she dead?” Pinkie asked.

“Nah she’s just frozen from shock” Rainbow said.

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!” Anon suddenly roared, the noise enough to shake the house around them.

“What the fuck!? That’s over a million bits per year per foal! What newborn requires that much cash to raise!? You guys don’t wear clothes so it’s just school shit, food and birthday stuff once a year!” Anon ranted.

Having been exposed to the raw anger of Anon before, most of the Elements were unaffected excluding Fluttershy who hid behind a table.

“Well you technically don’t have to. You gave up your Equestrian citizenship by default when you became the head of state of a foreign nation” Twilight pointed out, her near infinite knowledge of anything written down coming in handy.

“But I WANT to help. I can’t just let these mares raise foals alone without any support. Believe me I did that for eighteen years and it’s exhausting” Anon explained.

Seeing this unusual act of selflessness coming from Anon, the girls tried to think of an in between that benefited both parties.

“You could always go to Celestia and negotiate a different child support rate. It’s strange but that’s just your style isn’t it?” Cream suggested.

“Ballin, although I should probably get my cock back first” Anon said, pointing to her dickless crotch.

Once again sneaking through the town, the group hopped on the train up north to find Discord, his chaos magic being presumably the only thing to restore Anon’s wang.

The train ride was enjoyable for most of the party. Minus Anon, who was repeatedly the victim of some stallion’s rizz.

In the mind of the earthpony “no” meant “yes” and “bro I’ve got a cock” means “let’s make foals”

Luckily he eventually left before Anon could commit an act of murder on Equestrian soil.

The next day the party arrived at the edge of what once was the Crystal Empire. 

Having become the realm of Discord, the frozen tundra looked remarkably different. The endless snowy hills and mountains were replaced with mounds of talking cotton candy, upside down mountains, and a replica of the sun that seemed to be screaming.

“Dude, your son is weird” Rainbow commented.

“Hey you try raising three godlike beings to be normal” Anon replied. Defending her mothering skills.

With great delicacy they made their way into the realm.

After a few minutes they found a strange town. It looked like Ponyville, but with a pallet swapped paint job.

“Wow, he made a whole bizzaro Ponyville” Rainbow stated.

“Yeah he was always such a creative boy. If he was born a thousand years later he could have gone to art school” Anon said with pride.

“Look! There are ponies here!” Pinkie called out, pointing her hoove in the distance.

Gathered in the heart of town, dozens of not hundreds of ponies. Or at least that’s what they thought they were.

As they got closer, the ponies became more familiar. 

They appeared to be… sock puppets? Sock puppets that looked like them and the rest of the town’s populace.

“Well howdy ho! Welcome to Horseburg! I’m Orangejohn! And I love working at Juicy Orange Orchard!” The sock puppet of Applejack said, her mouth flapping about, speaking with a French-Canadian accent.

Holding in her laughter, Anon could only look on at the suppressed rage on Applejack’s face.

“Discord if I get mah hooves on you Celestia help me” Applejack said coldly. Despite the massive gap in power, there were more than a few who believed she could take him.

With an echoing laughter Discord himself appeared. On his lion paw the Orangejosh puppet, on the claw a Twilight puppet.

“Well that’s not very nice. Take it from me, Booksmart Nerding. I didn’t learn basic social interactions until I was an adult” Discord said, using a squeaky voice as the purple sock puppet’s mouth moved about.

“Hey!” Twilight protested the offensive but not inaccurate portrait of herself.

“Come on Twiggles he’s not wrong” Anon agreed with her son.

Discord continued to laugh, his terrible impressions of the two mares being stopped only once he saw Anon.

Staring at the stallion/mare for a few moments he blinked several times.

“M-mom?” He stuttered, dropping the sock puppets.

Taking a few steps forward, Anon stood between Discord and the girls.

“Hey Discord, it’s been a while. Well for you” Anon replied.

Floating down to eye level, Discord still couldn’t seem to believe his eyes. Anything he could conjure seemed to be less unpredictable than this.

“But. But how!? It’s been over a thousand hundred years” Discord asked.

A pony couldn’t live more than a century. Ten times that couldn’t be possible.

“That’s a long story. But there’s something I should probably explain” Anon began.

“She’s Anon!” Pinkie blurted out.

“Pinkie!” The girls called out in unison, scolding the mare for spoiling the surprise.

“Sorry” Pinkie apologised, covering her mouth with her hooves.

“What?” Discord asked.

“Yeah, that’s what I wanted to say. Sorry bro, I didn’t fuck your mom but I AM her” Anon explained.

After seeing his mother for the first time in a thousand years, it turning out that she was his rival for the title of being the most chaotic being in Equestria… 

Actually made a lot of sense.

“Well, at least I know where I got it” Discord commented.

“Eeyep” Anon agreed “also could you change me back please? My unmentionables have been getting weirdly warm for the last few days and I’ve had strange dreams including Big Mac, Shining Armour and a large cucumber” 

Snapping his fingers, Discord turned the mare back into a stallion.

Stretching his limbs out, Anon ducked his head between his front legs. With his face being greeted by the sight of his stallionhood Anon let out a scream of joy.

“Thank Disney! My boys! I never thought I’d see you again!” Anon smiled through tears of joy as he talked to his meat and two veg.

“Cream, come look at my penis! It’s back!” Anon invited his wife.

“No thanks sweetie I know what it looks like” Cream declined the offer.

“I’ll do it!” Pinkie offered “but you gotta shake what your mama gave ya!” She added, pulling out a bag of bits.

“Ok you need to be stopped” Twilight stated.

“Hey Mo- Da- hey Anon. Can I move back in with you guys? Your life seems more chaotic than anything I can make up here” Discord requested.

“Ok but you can’t tell Celestia and Luna I’m their mother” Anon stated.

“Agreed, it’ll be funnier this way” Discord agreed, chuckling at the torment he was unleashing upon his “big sisters”

… 

It was barely a day after they returned to Ponyville that Anon received terrible news.

And no, his IKIRIN hot tub hadn’t been delayed on its delivery. 

It had been cancelled altogether due to supply chain issues but that wasn’t the problem.

“The Commies are doing what?” Anon asked.

With Discord no longer defending the northern territories, Stalliongrad marched over the borders in their thousands.

While the main crystal mines were moved with the city the traditional lands of the Crystal Empire were still rich in minerals.

“They’ve invaded our old lands. We got reports from Canterlot guards” Crystal explained.

“What do we do?” Cadence asked.

“Well we need to find a diplomatic solution. No blood should be shed if there can be a peaceful outcome-“ Anon began. His sensible solution being drowned out as a piece of wood with “ISS Anon’s Shlong” written in it.

“What is that?” Cadence asked.

There was only one construct in all of Equestria that went by that name.

The sole ship of the Imperial Royal Fleet. A fishing vessel that accessed the sea via an Equestrian port. It sometimes patrolled near the Stalliongrad border. 

“It was sunk, none of the crew were harmed but the ship itself was los-“ Crystal began before being interrupted.

“WAR CRIMES! WE ARE COMMITTING WAR CRIMES!” Peganon roared.

“THEY TOUCHED MY BOATS!” Changeanon screeched.

AN: Don’t touch an American’s boats.