Writing: Waves of style (Excerpt: The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, part 2, chapter 4) · 3:29pm Jan 5th, 2014
The vein in Jake's forehead throbbed wildly. His mouth worked convulsively. Singer sat up, alarmed. Jake tried to speak again and the words choked in his mouth. A shudder passed through his body. He sat down in the chair and pressed his trembling lips with his fingers. Then he said huskily:
"It's this way, Singer. Being mad is no good. Nothing we can do is any good. That's the way it seems to me. All we can do is go around telling the truth. And as soon as enough of the don't-knows have learned the truth then there won't be any use for fighting. The only thing for us to do is let them know. All that's needed. But how? Huh?"
The fire shadows lapped against the walls. The dark, shadowy waves rose higher and the room took on motion. The room rose and fell and all balance was gone. Alone Jake felt himself sink downward, slowly in wavelike motions downward into a shadowed ocean. In helplessness and terror he strained his eyes, but he could see nothing except the dark and scarlet waves that roared hungrily over him. Then at last he made out the thing which he sought. The mute's face was faint and very far away. Jake closed his eyes.
The next morning he awoke very late. Singer had been gone for hours. There was bread, cheese, and orange, and a pot of coffee on the table. When he had finished his breakfast it was time for work. He walked somberly, his head bent, across the town toward his room. When he reached the neighborhood where he lived he passed through a certain narrow street that was flanked on one side by a smoke-blackened brick warehouse. On the wall of this building there was something that vaguely distracted him. He started to walk on, and then his attention was suddenly held. On the wall in message was written in bright red chalk, the letters drawn thickly and curiously formed:
Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth.
He read the message twice and looked anxiously up and down the street. No one was in sight. After a few minutes of puzzled deliberation he took from his pocket a thick red pencil and wrote carefully beneath the inscription:
Whoever wrote the above meet me here tomorrow at noon, Wednesday, November 29. Or the next day.
At 12 o'clock the next day he waited before the wall. Now and then he walked impatiently to the corner to look up and down the streets. No one came. After an hour he had to leave for the show.
The next day he waited, also.
Then on Friday there was a long, slow winter rain. The wall was sodden and the messages streaked so that no word could be read. The rain continued, gray and bitter and cold.
[/hr]
The third paragraph is what caught my eye, but it requires the entire passage to make its meaning clear. I think there's a lesson here: Style, like drama, can have structure. The third paragraph is the stylistic climax of the passage. On its own, it would seem overblown, but the paragraphs around it support and expand on it. Stylistic consistency here would be bad. Stylistic intensity, like dramatic intensity, should rise and fall according to some plan. This passage has a stylistic shape like a dramatic structure: Intense at the start, at one point in the middle, and at the end.
ADDED: I also want to point out that this passage shows how Jake feels four ways, one after the other:
1. It shows what he looks like.
2. He tries to explain himself in dialogue.
3. It shows how Jake's thoughts alter his perceptions.
4. It shows an event of the type that cause Jake to feel this way.
I'm hardly in a position to lecture about adverb usage, but jeez.
1685248 There are 10 adverbs in the passage, & I like them. Three are in the first sentence. It's perhaps unfortunate that they all end sentences with "ly". But I think adverbs aren't bad; they're just out of fashion at the moment. I'd toss "wildly" and "curiously", but the rest are specific and useful.
I couldn't get past the first sentence. "[T[hrobbed wildly"? It made me laugh out loud. Anything good or useful that the author had to offer died a lonely death at that point.
I've tried to become more attentive to my use of adverbs and dramatic paragraph breaks. (I learned the latter from Stephen King, darn him.)
But the absolute resistance to adverbs? Sorry, no. I don't want to mimic Hemingway, thanks.* I try to pick the best verb I can, but sometimes, it needs a helper.
"Said" is a monster. Too many synonyms and you sound pretentious. ("Hello," he greeted. "Hello, yourself," she retorted.) Too few, and you sound illiterate. ("Hello," he said. "Hello, yourself," she said.)
If you want to get serious about bad writing, ask me about Ushurack, the most ridiculous bad fantasy ever written.
--------
*Why did the chicken cross the road? To die. In the rain.
I have no idea if the adverbs are egregious or not, because I made the mistake of reading the first couple comments before the post; therefore every single one stuck out.
1685515 Actually, I posted this as an example of great writing. The first sentence, and the second half of the fourth paragraph, have some problems, but I still love it, particularly how the whole passage hangs together, showing what Jake feels in different ways and with different levels of stylistic intensity. The style is bumped up in the first paragraph, climaxes in the third paragraph, and is noticeable again at the very end. The parts in-between are stylistically calm, and that lets the parts with intense style be more extreme without being overdone.
1685612
I understand your point. But see how great writing can be undermined by a bad start. I've committed this sin numerous times. It is a hard lesson. I've tried to put more "oomph" into the start of my stories, precisely because I can't expect my readers to hang around after a bad paragraph.
EqD prereaders would not let that one slide. Too much telling, too little showing; they repeat it like mantra, I hear.
1685634 What specifically are you calling telling instead of showing?
1685772
The overdose of adverbs and the sheer count of 'to be'. Then again, I'm no expert on writing.
Also, since your knowledge about writing is far superior to mine, what can you tell about this particular sentence: "The next day he waited, also."
I can't put my finger on why, but it strikes some wrong chords for me.
1686138 I know EQD would object to that, but I'd say that's not "telling", any more than using the right verb is. "Walked" describes an action; "walked impatiently" describes it more specifically. Likewise "said" vs. "said huskily", "looked" vs. "looked anxiously", etc. An adverb plus a verb is the same as a highly-specific verb, and people who claim otherwise are indulging in the false hope that there are simple rules for good writing. I find it especially odd when the same people who claim adverbs must go because they are "telling" then want me to insert descriptions of body-language, which are like adverbs but much wordier.
> what can you tell about this particular sentence: "The next day he waited, also."
There has to be an "also" there, so the only simple alternatives are
The next day he also waited.
He waited the next day, also.
He waited the next day, too.
He also waited the next day.
I don't see much difference between them. "Too" is too informal, probably.
1687567
Thank you for taking your time to analyze it. I probably wouldn't have such dilemmas if English was my native language.