The light filtered into the room past her nightshades and glared obtrusively into her eyes. It would be worse, hours later when Celestia's sun took its place in the morning. Not that she really cared about that at the time. A mere month ago, she couldn't imagine herself where she was now, brooding in a room that was startlingly spotless from multiple anxious cleaning sessions, whilst leaving herself in a rather bedraggled state.
Rarity was typically a very tidy lady. Her room, however, was a personal area that had grown accustomed to the perfect, chaotic mess of pure creativity and inspiration. While the occasional spring cleaning or weekly maintenance kept it from looking quite as… disturbed as, say, a hoarder’s den, her clutter was very much a sign of a Rarity that was often overtaken by inventive whims. It meant she was thriving, excited, too occupied by enjoying her craft to bother ensuring that the fabrics were in neat rows organized by color and shade. And even when she did do one of those occasional cleaning sessions she herself would generally be in just as good of a shape.
Not now. Despite being in a room that had been practically scrubbed from the top down, she honestly couldn't even remember when she'd last showered. It could have been earlier that day. Or a week ago, though a small absent part of her had really, really hoped not. She didn't bother to remember, as she hadn't quite been very… present in her day, as of late. She didn't participate in life, so much as it simply happened around her, until she found herself in this exact spot in this same position, with that damned moonlight shimmering in her eyes, being a mild distraction for something else to focus on.
Something else other than…
Sighing she could smell the sticky sweetness that coated her mouth, once a divine strawberry flavor having left a less than spectacular aftertaste of staleness after a time. She should've chased it down with water or something, whisked it away before it had the time to age into something disgusting.
Was the taste truly so divine before? Or had it merely been a trick of her senses that were seeking comfort and pleasure? Did that even matter, if it at the very least felt like it was what she wanted it to be?
And even if she knew the answer, would that satisfy her? Well, no, probably not, she admitted to herself. For if it had been good initially, that meant that she'd experienced the loss of something that was beyond amazing, and if it had been a trick, then she had let herself play the fool for far, far too long.
A sharp and decidedly very unladylike snort left her nostrils, and she didn't know if it was a sardonic huff of laughter or a general noise of frustration. It didn't really matter. In the same way, apparently, that she didn't matter. Not to a certain pony, at least.
It was then that the moon finally decided to give her eyes a break and turn itself off. How kind of it, to offer relief where life otherwise refused to. Though she could do without the incessant tapping on the window that followed.
…Wait.
She blinked away the bright spot in her vision and focused on her window. Eventually, she could see the form of one of her best friends urging her to open her window and let her into her bedroom. Though she would generally be wary of the sight of the rainbow mane peeking at her through her curtains, as that sight normally led to some sort of foalish prank, she trusted her friend not to do that to her whilst she knew she was in an incredibly sour mood.
Letting out another sigh, she unlocked and opened the window with her magic, allowing the pegasus to gently slip inside, ruffling her feathers a bit before returning them to her sides and walking over next to where Rarity lay in her bed.
“Heya Rares,” she greeted in an unusually hushed manner, at the very least understanding the social etiquette of having late night conversations.
“Hello, Rainbow,” her mouth moved automatically, her voice taking over with her typical professional lilt. Though she hadn't spoken much lately, so it came out sort of raspy. “Why ever did you decide to visit me at such a… rather ghastly hour?”
The mare beside her huffed with mild humor. “Were you sleeping before I got here?” She asked, looking down at the white mare. A knowing smirk met Rainbow’s face when she received a resigned shake of her friend's head and a quiet ‘no’. “Yeah, I thought so. I knew you hadn't really been around anypony lately, and I couldn't sleep either, so I just figured, y'know…” she considered her words for a moment, before looking directly in the other mare's eyes. “I figured you could use some company.”
Rarity considered her friend's words, before shaking her head and shifting from her side to her back, staring up at the ceiling and away from Rainbow Dash.
“I suppose you're actually intending on telling me to forget about… her, are you not? After all, she's the reason I can't exactly… think straight lately. And you probably want your regular old Rarity back. But I don't know if I can recover her for you. Not right now, at least.”
Rainbow Dash scoffed at that assumption, before jumping up and landing in bed next to Rarity, in the spot she used to lay beside the white mare.
“Nah. You're gonna be affected by this for a bit, I'm not gonna try to force you to get over it faster. That's not really how feelings work, I know that.”
Rarity didn't verbally acknowledge those words, but cast an appreciative glance at the pegasus, which earned her a kind smile in return. Rarity really did enjoy the fact that she could count on Rainbow to be there for more tender issues, even if the brash mare didn't quite understand the appeal of getting mixed up in those things in the first place.
Wordlessly, Rainbow's arms opened in an inviting gesture.
“Oh no, I-I couldn't,” Rarity declined, though it was incredibly obvious that she could use a hug right now. She just knew that if she got that hug she wanted, needed, that she'd break down.
That was more significant of an occurrence than one may assume. Specifically due to the fact that she had not cried. Not once. Not a single tear.
Because that's what was expected of her, the dramatic fashionista who would cry at the sight of something as ‘small’ as a fashion disaster. Because anger and dissociation weren't as messy, and were easier emotions (or lack thereof) to deal with, than the loud, ugly sobs racking through her body for hours on end. Because of what the pony who used to mean so much to her had said, what she had done, made her unworthy of those tears.
Because if Rarity cried, then it was really, truly real.
Rainbow’s gaze beckoned even louder, with her magenta eyes unwavering, twinkling from the moon’s light. You need this, her eyes insisted.
And they were right. She needed this.
Rarity moved resignedly, shuffling her body to her right, letting her blanket fall to the floor, forgotten and discarded. With a small amount of trepidation, she scooted closer, closer, until they were against one another and Rarity could feel the warmth radiating from her friend. The right side of her head rested on the blue mare's chest as she cuddled in comfortably close to her, and she listened to the heartbeat underneath. Then, she became as stiff as stone.
A moment passed and Rarity held strong.
That heartbeat was calm and steady. Maybe if she just got lost in it, and disconnected from here. Maybe if she sent her mind far, far away.
“It's okay Rares. I'm here.”
And then Rainbow Dash ruined her by opening that loud mouth of hers and saying stupid, awful, sweet words. And then her eyes grew foggy, and her body involuntarily jerked and quivered with desperately swallowed sobs. The calming breath she attempted to take was severely trembling and hitched, betraying her strongest efforts to get away from this ugly truth.
And then, despite her rapid blinking, the first tear slipped out.
Unlike what she expected from herself, the first open sobs that slipped didn't rush out like an immediate torrent. Her eyes weren't gushing rivers, and her voice didn't let out her usual ‘dainty’ wail. Instead, her first sobs were almost just as silent as when she had been holding the floodgates in. Air escaped her lungs in a tight wheeze, her throat constricting her in a way that made her feel like she was on the verge of choking, and the ragged, uncontrolled choppy gasps that followed were terrible at bringing her lungs proper relief. Her screaming sobs and wails were so strong, her body couldn't physically produce them. It was genuinely the most intense cry Rarity had ever experienced in her life.
Blue hooves gently stroked her back in a calming motion, trying to help the poor mare breathe. It took a few moments, but eventually it worked, and her body decompressed to some extent, allowing the loud, ugly yelling cries to finally escape.
When Her friend heard the sobs finally tumbling out, almost completely unrestricted, she pulled Rarity in closer to her chest to muffle the sounds that were growing increasingly louder by the second. She knew Rarity wouldn't want to be responsible for waking her neighbors with her breakdown and did her best to prioritize both comfort and quietness as she held the unicorn.
They just laid there for a long time, the crying ebbing and flowing in waves. Rainbow Dash let her eyes wander the room as she patiently waited for Rarity to let everything out, noting how eerie it was to see the contrast between the state of the mare and her room. No current fashion magazines or random fabric swatches lying around to bait a bout of inspiration on a whim, no half-finished masterpieces adorning the ponnequins… it felt oddly sterile in this room. She'd never seen her friend fall apart like this before, and it was beyond off-putting. With that acknowledgement, she hugged Rarity even tighter against her chest.
The sobs slowed until eventually, they came to a complete stop, and the last few hitched breaths calmed to more normal breathing. It took a while, but with a few moments to calm herself, Rarity had it in her to voice a thought.
“What did I do wrong? How did I mess it all up?” she whispered.
“You didn't mess it up, Rares.”
“B-but I did. I had to. Why else would she leave me the way she did? Why would she want it to hurt?”
A discontented sound huffed its way out of Rainbow's snout before she responded. “It's not like you made her act like a complete bitch. Her cruelty is not your problem,” she insisted. The light reprimanding head bonk Rarity earned for blaming herself was so gentle, it felt much more like getting a head pat. Somehow, though, it made her less willing to keep blaming herself anyway.
“Okay. But… even if there was nothing I could do, I just don’t get her perspective. We were a thing for years, and then she goes from praising me on nearly a daily basis to just… being gone? With somepony else she barely knows, might I add! And… accusing me of…”
“Don’t tell me you‘re considering that nonsense…” Rainbow groaned, but as their eyes met again, she knew that yes, Rarity was considering her now-ex’s accusations towards her. “Rares. You are the one pony I can always trust to give so willingly whatever you have without expecting anything back. That’s why you’re the element of generosity. It wouldn’t work if you weren’t actually generous, and giving to ponies purely to manipulate them into paying it forward is not what you do.”
“But don’t I? A part of me always knows that when you are generous to ponies, they’re likely to pay it forward, and it could be of some benefit to myself in the future. Perhaps there’s secretly selfishness behind every generous act I do…”
Another soft head bonk.
“That’s stupid. You’re being stupid right now to try and justify what she said to you, and that’s not the Rarity I know. Rarity is a very smart pony, I’d argue even smarter than someone as awesome as myself! Like, c’mon, we all know that our elements can help us out too! Like, if I’m loyal to my friends, they’ll probably stick around my side as well. And ponies who aren’t complete jerks who think ‘Shy is a doormat also like to be nice to her because she’s kind. So-on and so-forth. The point of our elements is not only just to help out Equestria, but also our friends, and ourselves. You know this, Rarity. I know you know this.”
As much as Rarity would’ve preferred to pretend to not know any of this, she had to acknowledge that she was being a bit ridiculous. She hated being such a mess of a pony over this situation… she wished she could handle it with grace and confidence, that no amount of betrayal from others could make her sound so pathetic. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t so.
“I… I do know. I know Rainbow but I can’t make sense of this! I just… I just want to know the reason. I feel like I could really use some closure. Not to mention, I can’t exactly pretend that I was perfect…”
“Rares.”
“What is it this time?”
“I know that ‘perfect’ isn’t achievable and all that, but as far as I could see, you were pretty bucking close to it.”
Rarity’s questioning gaze made Rainbow roll her eyes.
“You run THREE boutiques, and you’re a teacher, and you help us defend Equestria, and on top of that, you financially, emotionally, and physically supported this mare for years! She was supposed to get a job after leaving her first one, and you kept insisting it was okay to wait a ‘couple of months’ which became ‘a couple of years’. You cooked and cleaned for her. Rarity.”
“True as that may be,” Rarity started, adjusting herself so that she could keep looking at Rainbow as they talked. She… probably didn’t need to be buried in her friend's chest anymore. She probably wasn’t going to keep sobbing loudly or anything. “It was still my first long-term relationship… I can think of a few things I could have been better with. But the primary issue I see is that I wasn’t as good of a communicator as I could have been. Like, remember when you girls wanted to change my dresses for the Gala?” Seeing Rainbow cringe at the memory, Rarity gave a tiny peck on one of Dash’s arms giving a quiet ‘I know, I forgive you’ to the poor sulking mare. She continued, “Well, I still had a lot of those tendencies, giving favors and accepting proposals that went beyond my boundaries. In trying to give what I thought was wanted, I wasn’t exactly being honest with her all of the time. And, well, honesty is an element of harmony as well for a reason, darling.”
A smirk wormed its way onto Rainbow’s face again at that. “Heh, you finally said ‘darling’,” she pointed out, the small detraction making Rarity blink in surprise before a light flush dusted her cheeks. Because of course Dash was paying attention to that particular detail. “But back on topic, I can see what you mean about not being as honest as you maybe shoulda been. And from what ponies say, communication is like, one of the biggest factors of upkeeping a relationship or whatever. So, like, I get that. BUT. That’s not only a common problem that most ponies tend to struggle with, but she also sucked at communicating too. ’Sides, that’s a reason to break up, sure, but not a reason to attack your character.”
“Well, she didn’t just attack my character… she tried to push us away. Going after my friends and family to try to convince them I’m just using them…”
“Hey, that’s an important part too,” Dash interrupted. “She said all that, but with how much she was willing to take from you, no matter how much it added to your workload, even with you begging her to grow more independent, she was comfortable. I mean, you go into this relationship and she’s got a job she’s had for over half a decade, and she’s generous to you, but as soon as you get comfortable together and you let down your guard, she suddenly can’t keep a job or take care of herself. And when you fought against her on that, she easily found another poor sap to probably take advantage of. She used you, Rarity.”
Rarity flinched at those words. Sure, she had been angry, and sure she knew her ex was in the wrong about some things, but she just hadn’t quite had it in her to acknowledge that particular fact this entire time. The fact that she’d been used.
“You know,” Rarity said, her voice thick with a bit of a sob that wanted to intrude on their conversation, but she swallowed it down. “I think our status as elements is both a blessing and a curse. As lovely as it is being able to represent generosity, it feels like we sort of have a big neon sign pointed at us, saying ‘Here’s a core element of who we are as a person! Feel free to exploit it to your liking!’.”
A look of understanding crossed Rainbow’s face at that. “Yeah, I can agree with that…”
“I always knew a breakup was a possibility; you have to, it’s unhealthy to expect ‘forever’ out of anypony. I worked hard to scrub away those attachments I had to the idea of ‘the one and only prince charming’ who’d sweep me off my feet and give me a ‘happily ever after’. It’s fine to strive for a lifetime partner, but you have to be able to go on if things don’t work out down the line. The thing that’s getting me, though, is the manner of it all. She really worked so hard to make me feel like I was the awful pony, and that I did nothing but hurt her. And I just can’t understand where that comes from. I just don’t get it.”
Dash looked contemplative for a bit, an expression rarely seen on the ‘do first, think later’ mare. It was a bit hard to see, as an errant cloud had drifted over the moon, dampening its lighting effects, but Rarity paid rapt attention regardless. “I was asking Twilight this kinda stuff years ago, ‘cause she might not be a psychologist but I know she’s probably read a crazy amount of books on it. So I was asking, like, ‘Why is my friend being so horrible, and then telling me that I’m the problem’. Turns out, that can be a result of a lot of things, but for our situations, I’m thinking it’s just projection. They feel insecure if they’re the problem, so they gotta find a way to make us the problem, and that so-called ‘justifies’ their bad actions towards us.”
“I’m curious… which friend of yours are you referring to?”
“Gilda… before we made up, obviously,” Dash said, looking a bit uncomfortable. “I know it’s not the same scenario, because your ex is even worse than Gilda used to be. But she came to Ponyville, tried to separate me from you girls, made Fluttershy cry… and then when I told her to either do better or leave, she insulted me and acted like I was the problem, and actually left. No remorse or anything. She was my foalhood friend, so it really hurt.”
“Ah… I’m afraid I never thought about it that deeply before,” Rarity admitted.
Dash waved her concerns off. “I get that, sometimes it takes being in a situation like that to understand all the implications or whatever.”
At that, the conversation stalled for a bit. The moon had finally moved across the sky enough to not shine directly in their faces anymore, and they just enjoyed the gentle hush of the night, focused on each other's quiet breaths.
In fact, Rarity almost felt like she could fall asleep right in that moment, but that was interrupted by Dash speaking up again.
“I wish you’d let me beat her up.”
An annoyed huff followed that ridiculous statement.
“And if you had, right now you’d be behind bars for assault, instead of holding me and making me feel better. I’d much rather have you right here at the moment.”
“I wish I could have both.”
Rarity couldn’t help the goofy smirk and small, tittering giggle at that. “Well, Rainbow, if we could always have our cake and eat it, I’d be inclined to consider that a utopia.”
“Yeah, yeah. I still say that being on the run from the cops with the most awesome mare in Equestria would be a great use of your time recovering from that asshole. No time to mope if you’re too busy dodging the authorities and having an adventure!”
This time, Rarity was the one giving a gentle head bonk.
Rainbow just chuckled in response, finding it cute and hilarious.
A small pause, and then, “I’m so sorry you had such a messy breakup. You already don’t deserve heartbreak, but it was pretty cruel for her to go so far to hurt your feelings just because things didn’t work out.”
Rarity sighed, nuzzling against Rainbow’s soft coat. “Yeah… It hurts more than I ever imagined, but at least I have my best friend here to help me. ‘Kissing the boo-boo better’, as it were.”
The two both giggled at that. “Yeah, I’m kinda cool like that. Can’t really be down on yourself when you’ve got somepony like me to lift ya up, y’know?”
“Agreed, darling.”
The two’s eyes were growing heavy, as it was getting incredibly late in the night, and Rarity took that as a cue to use her last bit of proper cognisant focus to grab the blanket that had fallen on the floor earlier, and drape it over the both of them. And for this moment, at least, it made Rarity feel warm, both inside and out.
“Hey, Rares?” Dash said, her voice sounding like she was already half on her way to falling asleep. Rarity couldn’t blame her, she was starting to drift as well.
“Yes, darling?”
“You are an awesome pony, and you matter so much. Don’t let anyone or anything convince you otherwise.”
Finally, Rarity’s sigh this time was a content one, as she nuzzled deeper into Dash’s fur, another tear slipping out between her eyelids and soaking into that softness. But at least this time, it was a tear stemming from appreciation and happiness.
“Thanks Dash…” her voice came muffled by her nuzzling cuddles.
“Yeah… Anytime, Rares.”