Suddenly I awoke, looking around nervously, my heart beating as fast as if I had run a marathon. It took me almost a minute to come to my senses and realize what was happening.
"Fucking hell..."
I got out of bed, holding my head. The headache made it hard for me to think clearly. On the nightstand next to the bed I noticed a tray with food, apparently it was my breakfast.
(Am I back to...?)
A balcony was spotted by me and I did not hesitate to head towards it. What I saw did not delight me at all.
"NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! FUCK! CRAP! AAGGHHHHHHHH!" I screamed in frustration.
There it is, Canterlot. I was here again.
"Noooo! Why???!!!" I almost burst into tears of despair.
It seems a few ponies from down below heard my screams and I decided to leave the balcony so as not to attract attention. My first thought was to try to leave. Pulling the handle of the door, it was, unsurprisingly, closed.
(Of course... That would be too easy. Celestia doesn't take any chances with me anymore.)
The headache was still making an impact, and I just sat on the floor next to the bed, thinking about what to do next.
(Did she hit my head on a rock, or what? Why does it hurt so much?)
At this moment I noticed that I was wearing some unfamiliar clothes.
(What the hell is that? Those aren't my clothes... Where are my jeans, my T-shirt, my favorite sneakers?)
Inspecting myself more closely, I found myself wearing a red jacket with a red shirt underneath, some old-fashioned pants, and leather shoes.
(Bruh... Is it 1800 now? Where are my normal clothes? And who made these? And... Okay, wait a minute... If someone changed my clothes, then...)
I felt a blush spread across my cheeks.
(Okay... Better... Better not think about it... Just... Forget it.)
Putting the unpleasant thoughts out of my head, I felt hunger taking its toll.
(No need to deny the food, it will give me the strength to plan my escape... Again. Okay, what do we have here?)
My breakfast consisted of an apple, orange juice, raspberry jam sandwiches and a stack of pancakes with honey.
(Hmm... Quite good, I must say. Especially after what I was eating in the woods.)
As I ate, there was a familiar voice behind the door.
"Is he awake?"
("Great", there she is.)
"Yes, he is awake, your highness. Would you like me to come in with you?"
(She put a guard on me? Yep, that's going to make my escape more difficult... For which I have yet to come up with a plan.)
"No, there's no need for that. Unlock the door, please."
"Yes, your highness."
The key rustled in the lock, opening the door. Celestia carefully stepped in, and our eyes met again.
"Well hello, what brings you here?" I asked sarcastically, munching on a jam sandwich.
"Is everything all right, your highness?" the guard poked his head through the doorway.
Celestia sighed.
"Yes, it's fine."
The guard threw a quick glance at me and closed the door.
"Well..." Celestia began to speak but stopped.
"Well what?"
"I understand that my actions did not please you very much..."
"Do you?"
"Yes... You really left me no choice. I certainly respect your stubbornness, but... We need to talk this out, you can't spend the rest of your life hiding." Celestia came closer. "I have something you need to know. Just let me know when you're ready."
"And what if I'm never ready?"
"Until this conversation takes place, you are forbidden to leave the castle. I'm sorry, but it's for your own good."
"Well "great", really. I "love" it here." I said, munching on a pancake. "By the way, where are my clothes? And what are these?"
"Your clothes are in the laundry, they'll be brought to you as soon as they're ready. And these are the clothes Rarity was kind enough to give us. It's from the collection of clothes she took measurements from you for."
"Well, it looks a little old-fashioned, but it'll do for now..."
"Fine, I have to go now. You're allowed to walk freely around the castle, but you can't go out. When you're ready, tell the guard by the door. And please don't do anything stupid."
"Define "Stupid", please." I grinned.
"You know what I mean." Celestia grinned as well.
"No idea."
"I warned you." with those words, Celestia left the room.
(You did, yes. Will that stop me? No.)
Suddenly, the door opened again.
"Forgot to say... I may have overdone the calming spell.... Do you have a headache?"
"So that's what this is all about... " I rubbed my head.
"There are some headache pills on the food tray, take them. I'm sorry." Celestia smiled awkwardly.
"Okay, thanks, I guess."
The princess seemed to want to say something else, but changed her mind and closed the door. I didn't gave it much thought and took the pills.
"Ah, alright, that's already better."
I was finishing my breakfast and thinking about what I should do next.
(She said I can move freely around the castle, right? Maybe I could find Luna and talk to her, find out what's been going on here after my escape.)
"So you're back here again?"
I flinched at the sudden speech, but then relaxed. Luna landed on the balcony and folded her wings.
"Oh, hey. I was just thinking about looking for you, how fortunate."
"We wanted to talk to you, too." Luna sounded a little grumpy.
"Hm, is something wrong?"
"We're not very pleased with you taking us in your aim with that... Dangerous thing. We can't remember what it's called."
"Oh, yeah, that was awkward... I'm sorry, I had very little control at the time. My emotions got the best of me."
Luna was still in a sour mood, and it showed.
"Indeed."
As she heard my apology, though, her expression softened slightly.
"We... Shall accept your apology."
"Thank you. I really didn't mean to hurt anyone, perhaps at that moment I was thinking with my emotions, not my head."
Luna nodded in understanding.
"We understand. Emotions can indeed cloud our judgment... We, too, have been guilty of allowing our emotions to steer our actions on quite a few occasions."
"Hey, nobody is perfect, right?"
Luna chuckled softly, her mood beginning to lighten slightly.
"Indeed, you are correct. No one is 'perfect.' Even ponies of royalty are not immune to moments of imperfection and error."
"Yeah, so... I wanted to talk about what's been going on here after I escaped?"
Luna sighed softly, recalling the events that had taken place. Her expression grew serious once more.
"Much has occurred in your absence... It's difficult to know where to start."
"Like, after I left the castle, leaving Celestia helplessly watching me run away? What happened next?"
Luna paused for a moment, collecting her thoughts before continuing.
"After your departure, the castle grounds were thrown into a state of panic and chaos. Our sister, Princess Celestia, was left quite... Distraught by your actions. She was... Troubled, distraught, and deeply saddened by your abrupt escape."
"Why did she let me escape?"
"It was not by choice, rather, you had caught her by surprise. She was taken aback by the force of your emotions. She was simply too unprepared to react. She was in quite a shock."
"I heard that when asked about my pursuing, Celestia replied 'There's no need for that,' or something like this. Is that true?"
Luna nodded, a slight frown upon her face.
"Indeed, that is true. Though, we must note that her reasoning for calling off the pursuit had little to do with a lack of care for your well-being... Rather, she believed that forcing your return would not be beneficial for you."
"But, in the end, she got me back."
"Indeed... Her methods were... Drastic... Nevertheless, we suppose that the outcome could have been worse. Your return was of great importance, after all." She paused for a moment, before continuing in a quieter voice. "Though, that does not mean we approved of her methods... We do not believe that they were... Particularly... Appropriate."
"Yep, the method was nasty, I was practically betrayed."
"We understand that you are upset, and we must admit that we, too, questioned the wisdom of her actions at the time. But we would like for you to consider her perspective as well. She, too, was acting out on her emotions. She was concerned, frustrated, and perhaps a bit... Fearful of what thou might do."
"Hmm... Yeah, fair enough."
"Perhaps she should have handled the situation more tactfully, but we must concede that she had best interests at heart."
"Okay, what about you? Are you in trouble for helping me spy on Celestia's plans?"
"We suppose you could say that. We were scolded by her for my 'inappropriate interference', to put it mildly. "She let out a soft scoff, her usual regal tone taking a slight sarcastic edge.
"But she's already forgiven you, right?"
Luna nodded, her expression growing a bit more relaxed.
"Indeed, Princess Celestia has already forgiven me. Although, she made it quite clear that she does not wish for me to meddle in her affairs again."
"Well, it looks like there won't be any again..."
Luna chuckled softly, her eyes gleaming with a hint of mischief.
"We hope so... Though, we must confess... We shall miss our late-night escapades into the halls. Despite the trouble that followed, they certainly provided some... Excitement."
"Yeah, following your sister around the castle corridors at night definitely gave me an adrenaline rush™."
"Indeed, it was rather... Thrilling to sneak around the corridors, unnoticed, and observing our sister's business. And yet... We must admit that the ensuing lecture and scolding was not so thrilling."
"Well, I guess it's a small price to pay for something that has brought you so much enjoyment?"
"You're right... We really don't regret it." Luna nodded, her expression growing a bit more lighthearted. "But please, think about what we said about our sister earlier... We know she wants to talk to you about... Something important. Maybe you really should learn about events from her perspective. No pressure, of course. Do what you gotta do."
Luna's words kind of hit me, really making me question things.
(Maybe... Maybe she's right. I've been in denial about talking to Celestia for so long... What would I lose by listening to her? Or...? How difficult...)
"I... I'll think about what you said. It may take some time."
Luna smiled gently at my response, her expression soft and patient.
"We understand that it is not an easy decision to make. Do not feel pressured to act on our advice, or rush into anything hastily. Take the time that you need to reflect upon it."
She paused for a moment, contemplating whether or not to say more, before continuing in an encouraging tone.
"But remember... It's important to keep an open mind and listen to different perspectives. We firmly believe that understanding our sister's point of view could shed new light on the situation."
With those words, the princess of the night stepped out onto the balcony once again.
"We have to go. See you later."
Luna unfolded her wings and flew away, leaving me alone again, alone with my thoughts.
(I have a lot to think about... Maybe even too much.)
***
As time went on, I couldn't make up my mind. I've been stuck in the castle for a month now, and day after day, I can't decide what I should do. How much more time do I need?
(I swear, I've only been in Equestria for about three months, but already experienced more stress than I ever had in my entire life!)
Sometimes I seem to gain enough determination and confidently approach my guard, starting a dialog...
"Hey Noble Spear, guess what?"
"Yes, sir! What is it?"
"I'm ready for... Uh... Well... Lunch, yeah. When is it?"
"One hour from now, sir."
"Ah, wonderful, thank you!"
It happened many times. Too many times...
(At this rate, I'm stuck in the castle forever.)
One day, in the evening, I was once again watching Canterlot from my balcony.
(I'm so tired of all this, I can't take it anymore...)
"Mind if I join you?"
Celestia landed next to me.
"Yeah, whatever you want..." I responded without enthusiasm.
"Thank you."
Celestia began to lower the sun, allowing the moon to take its place.
"You know, I'm impressed." The princess started talking when she was done with the sun.
"By what?"
"You're not trying to run again. I expected to have to watch you all the time, put extra guards on you..." Celestia stood next to me. "But you still hate me". She looked at me with a concerned smile on her face. "I suppose you think of me as a villain, a tyrant...?"
"Can you blame me?"
Celestia let out a deep sigh, her usual smile disappearing for a moment, her face was completely serious.
"No... I suppose I can't." She continued gazing at the stars, then spoke again. "Though you are one of the most stubborn creatures I’ve ever encountered..."
"You're probably right. And maybe if it weren't for my stubbornness, I'd be fucking dead right now, you know."
"And you have a foul mouth... but I've come to expect that from you..." Celestia chuckled.
"In the situation I'm in now, it's impossible to be a good boy."
At those words Celestia turned from the night sky to look directly at me, her face expressing a mixture of sorrow and understanding.
"I know." She looked at me, studying my face, then she spoke again, this time in a more soft and gentle tone. "Do you miss your family?"
"You know I am." I hit the balcony railing "And now they dont even know I exist."
Celestia gently stroked my hair and hugged me with her wing.
"I’m sorry... I truly am."
"Your 'sorry' won't turn the clock back."
"I know it won't..."
And we just stood like that, silent for I don't know how long, until Celestia spoke again.
"I think now is the perfect time for that one conversation to happen, hm?"
"You know what? You're right, I'm ready. If not now, then never."
"Then close your eyes and let it happen." Celestia closed her eyes.
"Let what happen?"
But Celestia didn't respond.
(Well, here goes nothing...)
I closed my eyes too, and the next thing I know, I'm in a dark blue void dotted with bright stars. That freaked me out.
"Hey what's that?! Where am I? Celestia?! Where are you?"
A blurry white shape appeared in the distance, taking the shape of Celestia as it approached.
"It's okay, you did it right. Now, why don't we go for a walk?" Celestia gestured to follow her.
I didn't want to be alone in this strange place again, so I followed her.
"So, why are we here?" I was genuinely confused.
Suddenly, strange 'screens' started flying around us, showing...?
"What the hell...? Is that me? As a baby? Sucking on a pacifier?"
These screens seemed to show my whole life, from birth, and my parents, how they took care of me.
"I don't... I don't understand what that means?"
Celestia smiled faintly, as she watched the different scenes pass by.
"It means exactly what you see. Memories."
"But... Why are you showing me this? What's the point?"
"Just keep watching..."
And I continued to watch as my entire life was shown like a movie, from the beginning to the very day I went to Equestria. On that day, it stopped, and the strange screens went dark. But then, they turned on again, showing my life again, but this time... My life was lived by a random girl??
"What the? Who the hell is that?" I was almost furious at that fact.
"It's you."
"What? It's not me!"
"It's you. It's you now."
"What are you- I don't understand!" My brain was starting to melt.
"When the universe takes something ... It always gives something back." Celestia continued to look at my life lived by another person. "To those who care about you, you never ceased to exist. No one ever forgot you, you still continued to be loved, your soul continues to live there on Earth. But now you have a different body, a different name... Except that doesn't change the fact that you continue to live your life as usual, as if this whole story never happened. Your parents are happy, and they love this different version of you just as much as they loved you. Your original form no longer exists in the new reality, it was never there in the first place. But tell me, aren't you glad, that your loved ones have never experienced the emotions you went through? You thought of them first, and only then of yourself."
I didn't say anything back.
"I know your soul is still in the greatest pain, but I'm sure what you just saw will help it subside at least a little. You are happy for them, perhaps without even realizing it yourself."
"And I know you still hate me, and will probably never change your mind. That's perfectly fine. I'm not looking for your forgiveness, no. I just thought you deserved to know the truth, that's all. I wanted your future life to consist of more than gloom and darkness. I wanted you to know that there is a ray of light, a ray of hope. Keep moving forward."
Celestia kept talking, but I wasn't listening anymore. I just stared into the dark blue void, and it felt like time had frozen, and even the air around me wasn't moving. I felt her put a hoof on my shoulder and we stood together, silent, staring into the void for who knows how long.