So, I learned how to teleport. Not precisely a huge recap, is it? Although I guess the ability to tunnel through to an entirely different space and then pop back out again at your destination is a pretty big deal. Whatever, lets get back to the thing I'm not looking forward to: The dressmaker.
Hoofbeat stops me teleporting after my 7th jump, I'm bruised, bloodied and severly battered. I've pretty much burned myself out at that point, magically I'm unlikely to be doing anything more exciting than lighting a torch for the next few hours and I'm sweaty as all-fuck. Not that the expression on my face would give that away, since I'm wearing a massive grin. Fuck yea, Shade the Teleporting man!
As her horn glows and she starts to heal me up, I consider my new skill. The range I can jump appears to be around twenty feet, give or take. Energy field in that wierd place doesn't really seem to stay with me much further than that and without power I can't really maintain any sort of meaningful stability. I guess unicorns with their 'spark' can do alot more, but my own isn't really enough to even manage a torch let alone stablise a transdimentional riftjump. Still, totally worth the injuries that Hoof's just finished fixing. She sniffs at the air.
"You smell like the guard locker room." I take a wiff and yes, but only if it had been used previously by a rugby team.
"Well, it was hard work!" I give her a shrug, "I don't suppose you have a washing spell?" She eyes me with a minor amount of distain, that'll be a no then.
"The training ground has some showers, I can't take you to the dressmaker in this state. Come on."
Those are not mechanical showers, I note as we arrive at the 'shower', those are clouds. Big, white fluffy clouds hovering over some waist high stalls. Oh I get it, showers as in 'of the rain variety'. Man, this place just keeps getting wierder and wierder. They've obviously got enough technology to build a bathtub, why not just run a pipe out here for a NORMAL shower?! As I think that, I see a pegasus guard float down yet more clouds, add them to the others and fly off again. Right then, they do it because its easier than running a pipe, Royal Guard practicality beats my small time wizard logic.
I give the back of Hoof's head a sarcastic look that says 'Excuse me, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?' and as I do so her horn glows softly. The nearest cloud moves slightly, then a gentle drizzle of rain pours from it and directly into the stall. As she turns around I can tell she didn't even see my look, but she's still smirking all the same. I disrobe down to my underwear, then make a turn around motion with my index finger at her.
She raises a single eye brow in what has to be the most classic James Bond-esque look I've ever seen and I can practically hear her voice going: 'I've already seen you naked, Shade, I even touched it you silly man.' Narrowing my eyes, I give her a glare and she smiles warmly. Damn, she's good at this non-verbal back and forth. She eventually turns around, laughing, after I throw in a little angry fist shaking and I throw my underwear off. Then I jump in before she gets any ideas.
FUCKING COLD ASS WATER! Stupid Shade, you idiot, of course its going to be cold it's essentially rain! I can hear Hoofy chuckling from my manly cursing as I rush through the getting clean rituals of head, armpits and my lower process. Fortunately there is some neutral smelling soap and a wierd brush on a stick. Incidentally, if you're a human or soft skinned, don't use a pony back brush, their fur is thick and hard and that brush will hurt ALOT! Take it from me, it's not something you forget in awhile.
Finishing up, I cup my manilness in both hands and gently cough for that evil trainer to cut the water. Then I'm hit with something of a realisation, I'm soaking wet and there is no way I can put my clothes back on like this. Pondering for a moment, I don't notice the spartan looking towel until its landed on my face. I can hear her laughing at my stupidity.
"Having fun, Shade?" She says as she turns back around.
"Oh bite me." And she laughs again.
While guests and the princesses get the big white fluffy towels of extremely lovely, the guards do not get anything so refined. It's like trying to dry yourself off with a burlap sack. Whatever, I'll make the best of this situation by hurrying the fuck up. Eventually, I finish up with the drying and slip back into my underwear. Man, I really fucked up my clothes and my shirt is basically rags. That was my favorite one too! Ah well, I guess since I'm getting free clothes today it's not that big of a deal. I put my trousers, shoes and throw my shirt over my shoulder.
"All done." Hoof turns back around and gives me a tentative sniff.
"And now you smell like a Guard. Minor improvement. Minor." She stresses the last part. I don't know what she means by this, other than the obvious negative aspect, but I can't really be bothered to ask her.
"Come on then, lets go see that dressmaker." She gestures with her head and off we go.
As me and her walk, I see quite afew guardsponies patrolling around and a thought occurs to me: Why are they all white? Surely they can't all be that color from birth or that'd be a real issue with recruitment! Not to mention a subtle racist undertone! When I put the question to Hoofy, her answer is almost unsurprising at this point: Magic! Illusionary enchantment on the armor makes them all the same color and that was chosen by Celestia. I follow up with the most obvious question: Why are you olive green then? Because I'm an instructor, she explains at length, not a guard and it's kind of a guard-only thing.
She then goes on to tell me why she became an instructor. Now let me tell you, don't ever get Hoofy started on that. Seriously, it would not be good for your health! She was first in line to be the Captain of the Royal Guard at one point, first mare to ever be assigned the position, when a brash up-and-coming stallion started dating a particular Princess and BAM! Her chances disappeared. Of course, I'm paraphrasing what she said, there was a LOT more cursing and even a tiny little freak out that mussed up her hair. Funny as hell, until she stared daggers at me and I shut up.
So she lost out to him, then decided to throw in her guard job in favor of training up unicorn recruits and that's how she got to be there. We walked in silence for a moment, her mood obviously soured, before I cough politely and she apologises for getting huffy. I play it off as being fine and she asks me about my world. Do mares on my planet get shafted too? After I stopped laughing at her phrasing, which took me acouple minutes, I went on to explain that most of the time they do. But its very small shaft. That got her laughing and it was all good.
Somehow, with all this talking, I've missed out on the fact we've actually left the castle. We're walking down the streets of Canterlot and, fuck me, that's alot of noble-looking ponies. Oddly nobody seems to be paying me much attention, sure I notice the looks of curiousity, but mostly it seems to be idle comments like: 'What's that with the Guard over there?' and 'What are those things on it's hindlegs?' Perhaps getting a guard escort in their mind means I'm something a bit special or, at the very least, important to the Princesses.
Eventually, after enduring a few more stares and one particularly curious young pony who tried to have her father 'purchase' me from Hoofy, we arrived at the dressmaker's store. It was big, I mean seriously huge building with a massive entryway. When we enter, I hear a tiny bell tinkling and a voice echos from within. That's when I take a good look around and my years of finely honed gamer-instincts immediately start screaming at me.
The room was basically a long hallway, with pony manikins on either side of an expensive looking carpet. Those manikins were also wearing clothes and on those clothes was the reason my gamer-instincts were screaming: 'STEAL EVERYTHING!' Jewels. Gems. Diamonds. Sapphires. Expensive stones and cheap ones. There was atleast tens of millions of pounds worth of loot here, all waiting for me to slide over and help myself to it! Then I feel something bumping my leg.
"Shade? You're drooling." Hoofbeat bumps me again when I don't reply. "Pay attention, I can hear the mare coming." I snap out of it with a twitch. I gotta stop playing Fool Moon, its getting me all animalistic.
The supposed dressmaker comes into the room and I could already tell I wasn't going to like her. She trotted instead of walked in, like that strange 'Dressage' deal from back home, all frou-frou-y and completely impractical for anything other than showing off. Her fur was red and had the sheen of intense grooming. Hair was an off-color purple, curled, hiding a small but obvious unicorn horn. The worst part was what she was wearing, dear gods, it looked so gaudy and expensive. Kind of a saddle-like thing too. Although why a sentient pony race would wear saddles is beyond me.
As she approached us, I could feel her eyes running over me with a kind of disturbed... Hunger. Like I was a fine piece of meat and she wanted it all to herself. Her gaze then shifted to Hoofy and she recieved a similar look. That said, you have to remember I'm shirtless and roughed up. Hoofy has mussed hair so we must have looked like quite a pair. After a moment, the mare came to a stop near to us and her expression shifted to one of distain.
"Fittings are by appointment only." Even her accent was snooty as she ignored me entirely and focused on Hoofbeat.
"I believe we have one, for Princess Luna's guest?" Hoof gestures at me and I give the snooty bitch a half-hearted wave. She looks at me.
"I am Golden Thread." Jesus, what a name. "Who and what are you?"I give her a short bow and introduce myself.
"Well, I'm a human. My name is Shade and I need some clothing. If you couldn't already tell." I gesture at my torn shirt and she barely glances at it.
"I see. Well, this fitting will certainly take longer than usual." Her horn glows and the tiny sign on the door flips over to 'Closed'. "Will you be staying too, Guard?" Hoofy looks at me, then at the mare and her expression alone tells me all I need to know.
"I have other.... Duties to attend to. I will return shortly." With a nod, she practically runs out the door to escape.
"Guards. They never appreciate the finer things. Ah well, come along human, we'd best get started." She walks towards the back of the shop and I reluctantly follow.
"So tell me, Shade the Human, what items of clothing do you require? A formal suit perhaps? Or maybe something to wear for dinner? Since I am unfamiliar with your species you will need to tell me what pieces you require." Well GT, if you let me get a word in edgeways I might be able to tell you!
She stops talking when we reach the end of the hallway, opens the door she came through in the first place and gestures for me to go inside. Now this room looks more like a tailor's place! Rolls of fabric, sewing machines and TONS OF GEMS! For some reason my imagination slips briefly back to Fallout 2's 'TAKE ALL' button. Ehem, enough of that tangent. She motions her horn to a small platform which I'm apparently supposed to stand on. So pretty much the same as Earth tailors too, alrighty then! As I stand on it, she looks at me appraisingly.
"Take off your clothes." I explosively coughed in surprise. "How do you expect me to make clothes if I can't see your body shape?"
"Golden, we humans don't like being naked. It's one of our deals. Especially since we've only just met! You could atleast buy me a drink first." I throw the last comment out there to be funny although I kinda doubt that such a snobby bitch is going to find so.
My remark is met with a deathly silence. Apparently Golden Bitchthread doesn't find my jokes to be to her liking. The rest of the 'fitting' devolves into me being thrust into more than a few demeaning positions with my manly process only narrowly avoiding being 'unholstered'. Somehow she'd managed to remove nearly all of my clothes without me noticing. When I queried it, she said: "My special talent is clothing. Manipulating it, sewing it, making it do what fashion requires of it. Getting you out of yours is foalplay." Ok. That's moderately disturbing.
After what felt like an eternity of measuring tapes and other fitting junk, she led me to a small waiting area while she 'created' my new duds. As I sat on the sofa in the small room, I began to wonder what the hell was her problem. Then again, if I was called 'Golden Thread' and owned a massive fashion store in the capital of the country I guess I'd be snobby as fuck too. Perhaps she's alright under all that frou-frou and bullshit. Perhaps she's a really nice mare!
My consideration was interupted as she returned to the room. No. She was not a nice mare. Or even remotely what I would call fashionable. Levitated in her magic was a suit, a suit covered with gems, diamonds and rubies. It looked like something Elvis might have worn if he was drunk, high and eating deep fried lobster on a stick. There is no way in hell I would even have that shit grace my skin, no way!
Golden has other plans and by other plans I mean she's a fucking seamstress unicorn who can manipulate what appears to be clothing-space-time itself. Before I can verbally refuse I'm clad in my newest piece of clothing. The fucking thing weighs a ton! It's hot, sharp and fucking dangerous to wear! Fucking fashionistic magic users! Apparently my displeasure is noticed by the mare and she returns it by staring down her long face at me.
"You obviously have no taste." She informs me from over her raised snout.
"Miss Thread, I wear grey and black. Besides, this is way too flashy for the casual wear I require."
"Your other shirt was cream." Fuck, I'd forgotten about that.
"Most of the time I wear grey and black. I don't want to sound like I'm being ungrateful, but this is far too nice to just walk around town in." Although I say nice like I'm using a curseword. She doesn't pick up on it as she turns and leaves, presumbly to go gemify more clothing items.
Removing the jacket, I notice that the fucking thing even has a tie covered with yet more gems. Seriously? How can anyone consider this to be fashionable at all?! Still, if I ever manage to complete my escape back to Earth I'm gunna be one rich motherfucker if I can keep my hands on this gear. Running my keen eye... Ok, I'm just guessing what sort of value some of these rocks might have. I'd say that the tie alone would probably be worth tens of thousands alone! Assuming I can actually sell them without explaining where I got them from. Although I imagine the expression on the buyer's face when I explained I picked them up in a magical, talking pony filled land would be halarious. Well, until they locked me up in the nuthouse and I have to riftjump the hell outta there.
I think it's been about 5 minutes before the door reopens. Oh dear, Golden has returned. Christ has she got a sweatshop full of Mexican workers in that tiny room or what? She levitates something towards me. Now we're fucking talking here! It's essentially a copy of what I'm wearing, grey T-shirt and black trousers. She releases them and I hold them. They're soft and lovely. Golden's face tells me what she thinks of my fashion choice all at once. It looks like an entire field of lemons. I offer her a smile.
"Now we're talking! This is casual wear at it's finest!" Resisting the urge to just tear off this gemmy horror, I don't want to look ungrateful, I enquire about a changing room or privacy. She raises a single well groomed hoove and gestures at a cubical.
As I remove my Elvis impersonators costume, I actually start to consider why the hell these magical ponies would actually NEED a changing room. Folding that moneypile carefully, boarding school training did teach us this useless skill, I wonder if it isn't do the lack of magic for the non-unicorns. That said, how would a non-unicorn get dressed in the first place? Using their mouth? The T-shirt and trousers slid on with ease. Ah yes, Shade the stylish man is back! Exiting with my folded gemsuit, I gently enquire about my changing room curiousity and the answer is simple: No noblepony wants to be watched while they flail around trying to dress themselves with their mouths.
"Not everypony appreciates the use of magic on their body. Although I believe it is simply a case of magical envy." She gives me a haughty look. Normally, I'd light up a torch and prove her wrong. Instead, reaching into the shirt I pull the amulet and release it so it hangs infront of my shirt.
"I know all about magic, Golden Thread. Why do you think I was with Hoofbeat, the Royal Guard's instructor unicorn?" She snorts.
"Wearing a foals amulet?" Realising that regardless of what I say, she's always going to have a quip. I give up on this pathetic game, if she wants to call that a victory, all the power to her.
"Yes. Anyway, I really like these clothes." I gesture at my stylish form.
"I can make more if you require it, although it pains me to make something so plain."
"Well, plain is what I like. Although I think I do need about four more copies, alternating color schemes would be good. And a jacket would be great too." As she levitates my folded moneysuit, she looks at the jacket part with irritation before tucking it on a nearby desk.
"Well, this will take me some time. I shall deliver your 'clothing' to the castle, if I am correct in assuming that is where you are staying."
I offer her a nod and my thanks as she leads me back out into the store. Fortunately, Hoofbeat has already returned from her obviously fake duties and gives me a smile. Oh yea baby, I'm back in black! Hoof looks worried about something as we return to the castle. I'm not blind, so I push her as to why. She wants me to tell Celestia what happened in the statue guardian, she'd do it herself but she feels I should be one. Reading in the subtext, I can tell the only reason she doesn't want to do it is because then she'd need to explain why we were out there in the first place. Damn horny mares.
I sigh at her. So what if Celestia doesn't like my explaination? What if she decides that I'm an annoying human and just incinerates me on the spot? What if... Ok Shade, shut the fuck up. This is a demigod who didn't incinerate you after you firestormed near her sister, she's not going to burn you for this! Well, hopefully! Hoofbeat seems to understand my reluctance, but insists.
So, we head to Celestia's throne room. Or rather the reception area near her throne room. Apparently there is a griffon ambassador in there and the two of them are wacking out some diplomatic matter. Although as we pass the door, I can hear the hushed but angry voice of a male and the calm collected voice of a female. It sounds like when two parents are having an argument but trying to keep it down for the kids.
Laughing internally from the diplomatic matters that aren't my problem, we meet with the receptionist who delicately tip-hooves around the ongoing argument and informs me that Celestia has two more subjects to see before I can meet with her. They haven't arrived yet and it'll probably be atleast an hour.
I shrugged, it's still only mid-afternoon and it's not like I've got anywhere to be. Hoofbeat apologises with a nervous smile. She can't stay because of 'duties' with I'm still absolutely sure is fake considering she's in heat! But I can't blame her for wanting to get away, since she did nearly commit a crime on my meatbag body today.
As she leaves the receptionist informs me that she also must depart, but that there are reading materials and refreshments on the tables. Well, bugger that, today's adventures in teleportation and fashion have taken alot out of me. Checking out the area, it looks like a simple white room adorned with Celestia's symbol on the walls and floor. Serious ego problems or just done because of another pain-in-the-ass fashionistia? Fuck this, I'm too tired to think anymore.
Finding a corner sofa, I throw up my tired little legs so just my feet are dangling over the sides and lay my head down in the crux of it. Ah yes! I think I'll just take a little relax while I'm waiting to explain how I nearly unleashed a chaos god into the world. It's not long before my eyes close of their own accord and I nod off into a blissful nap.
Usually, when I fall asleep, if I'm going to have a dream it usually just has me kinda 'turning up' in the middle with a fleshed out plot and purpose already known. Only this particular nap is something else. Starting with the sensation of being called by a whispering voice, I float gently through what, if this was my mindbrary, I would call the nether. Slowly, the insistent voice pulls me to what must be my destination and I find myself standing, eyes closed, somewhere.
Opening my eyes, I can see an ordinary looking wall. Something is going on behind me, involving giggling and creaking. I'd really like to check it out. Oh look, I'm turning. Hold on, I can move myself! I'm having a lucid dream! Fuck yea! BRING ON THE HOOKERS AND DRUGS! Grin reaching from ear to ear, I turn and see this is a bedroom. Just an ordinary castle-like bedroom with a bed located in the middle of the room, about two meters away from me. That's when I notice that someone is getting busy beneath the sheets! Aww yea! Play me a song, Mr White.
Sadly, the room doesn't fill with the soothing tones of Barry White but I can deal with this not being a full-blown lucid dream. Quietly, feeling all those naughty voyeuristic feelings that you'd never admit to having, I sneak over to the bed to watch for a moment. By the sounds and sights of it, we've already skipped the boring romantic introduction and have moved on to the starter course of hot and heavy making out. The heavy breathing, the kissing noises and the soft giggle of a woman recieving some attention.
Gently, ever so gently, I pull on that sheet before getting bored of my lack of progress and just whip it off. Let's get to the main course already! The sheet clears my line of sight and what confronts me is simultaneously disturbing and massively confusing.
I'm there on the bed. Or rather, it's a body double of me minus shirt and trousers. Looking very VERY happy to be there as he kisses the long, dark blue fur of a neck. Luna, the owner of said neck, moans softly from beneath my double as he trails gentle kisses slowly downwards. My mind is utterly blown from what the hell I'm witnessing right now. As I continue to watch, the sheer level of perversion making it impossible to actually think straight, I see my double slowly rise from where he left his last kiss on her shoulderblade. Reaching her ear, he whispers something into that that makes her blush even redder and he smiles.
"Oh Shade." She whispers as he slowly runs a hand downwards...
"SUBCONSCIOUS, WHAT THE FUCK?!" I scream before this scene breaks any more of my sanity. Both of them immediately stop what they are doing and lock their eyes onto me. Luna gasps.
"SHADE!" She practically blows my non-existant eardrums out. "HOW DID YOU GET HERE?!"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN: 'HOW DID I GET HERE?' THIS IS MY BLOODY HEAD!" I point a finger at the double, who smiles dreamily back at me. "GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF THAT PONY!" My double just continues to smile at me and Luna looks confused.
"Oh god." I say as a realisation hits me. "I've only been here for a few days, I can't have gone native already!"
"What do you mean, Shade?" Luna the dream-mare asks.
"Heresy so much heresy." I repeat over and over as I back up to the wall. When I hit it, I just slide down that thing and sit on the floor. Bringing my legs up to my body, I hug them and gently rock.
"Heresy. So much heresy." Repeating it, I can hear the gentle sound of hooves on stone. Then I feel the soft fur of a snout on the flesh of my exposed forearm, looking up I can see the torturous dream-mare looking at me with a hurt expression.
"Am I not.." The question hangs in the air like a goddamn tombstone over a grave.
"Yes." I whisper, feeling both revulsion over my admitance that I find what essentially is an animal slightly attractive and a tiny amount of perverse pleasure. "And that just makes it worse. We both know what humanity thinks of guys who find animals attractive but you're sentient and jesus christ! Subconscious why you gotta be doing this to me!"
The dark blue mare doesn't speak, but instead gently brings her snout forward and nuzzles the flesh of my cheek. Since this is a dream, rather than filthy reality, I'm accepting of it and return the gesture. It's comforting in it's own way and we hold that pleasant position for a moment. Finding myself in a much better frame of mind.. Well, not curled into a ball chanting 'Heresy' atleast, I delicately move Luna's head with my hand and rise. This is a lucid dream, goddamn it, I'd like some fun before Celestia bitches me out!
"I know it's wierd to thank my own subconscious, but thanks buddy." I say, gently rubbing her cheek. "Just a pity it didn't happen in real life. Not that I'd want to encourage her anymore."
"Why is that, Shade?" She enquires, looking way too interested.
"You know, after all that mindraping business!" I chuckle as I look around for a way out of the room. "Encourage her too much and she might try and use her ability to slip into my mindbrary again to find out a way to please me. Lord knows, I'd fucking lose it if either one of those pony princesses tried that bullshit mind violating again."
As I utter the last sentence, I notice a single brown door on the far wall and start to move to it. Alrighty brain, let's have a standard funtime adventure please! The door appears to be thick, I note as I near it, the dark oak wood has a small peephole at eye-level and appears to be locked. Alright then, we'll get alittle scouting done and then perhaps a tiny bit of interest before this ends! As I align my dream-eyes with the hole, I can hear dream-Luna start to say something, but what happens next blows all concentration out of the water.
Returning my look is a single, massive blue eye. As I watch, it seems to almost move towards me through the peephole and I leap back in terror. As I let loose a scream, more schoolgirl than manly I might add, I can feel the dream shattering around me like so much glass. Suddenly, rudely, I'm returned to the reception area and as my eyes flash open I see a large pink face staring back at me.
"HI!" It yelled into my face.
"AHHHGRAWWBBLEE!" I replied.