"Why I must say, this has been absolutely splendiferous!
"Indubitably so my dear chap!"
"Yeees, Why I dare say, we could end this tale right here!"
"Indeed! Why, everyone would most likely be very happy that the story just suddenly ended."
Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh, why dare say sir, it appears you have spontaneously combusted!"
"It appears that I in fact have, Charles.
HuhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 8
In life, there are always choices, a crossroads where you decide your direction, but still achieve the same, but different result.
The key
The bill
The invite
Lets use the power of elimination to find the answer, class. If M>T=69, then what is the probability that Killian will ever get laid? Anyone? No? Well look at it this way: Killian received the dinner invitation three days before the event, so we can know for certain that he will not go to that one immediately. The bill from Twilight can not be paid unless Killian has bits; Killian haz no bits. So, we must say that we know for certain, that Killian will most likely, most definitely take the key.
"1st National Bank of Cloudsdayle."
Killian read aloud, looking at the bank card. Everypony had left after that strange showing of affection and the festivities that followed suit. Or at least, that's how it happened in his head anyway. But in reality, Everypony left to go to Colby's funeral.
"Psst... Pssst.... Hey! Over! Here!"
Killian walked over to the tree.
"Stay away from Cloudsdayle!" said the voice from the tree.
"Why?"
"You don't want to get involved in things you don't understand!"
"I don't... Wait! Fluttershy!?"
"No, this isn't Fluttershy, I am just a tree." the tree said.
Then Killian was knocked out....
Killian woke up on Twilight's doorstep. In a daze as to what exactly just happened, Killian knocked on the door, and Twilight answered.
"Oh hey Killian, you get my letter?" Twilight asked.
"Yes?"
"So you have my money?"
"Uh.. No?"
"Oh. Well how do you plan on paying me?" Twilight asked.
"I don't know?"
"Oh...."
It was at this point that an awkward silence ensued, inevitably killing a blind orphan foal. Finally, a jovial pink pony spoke up, in quite a big way.
"Twilight, who are you talking.... (Don't know the audible spelling for gasp)" the pink pony leaped into the air, gasping, then shot out the back of the library, leaving a giant, gaping hole in Twilight's house. "Celestia dammit! Pinkie!!!" Twilight screamed, looking through where Pinkie had gone. Then she disappeared, and reappeared in front of Killian.
"Now, about your payment, I might have some things in mind..." Twilight said, a sly look on her face and a slight sparkle in her eye. With a flare of her horn, Killian fell to the ground, paralyzed. She then floated out a small chest from the top of a bookshelf and set it next to her. Then, in a flash of green, she revealed herself to be Chrysalis, queen of the changelings. Out of the chest came an ice bag and a scalpel.
"Your kidney should go for a fairly good price on the black market." Chrysalis said.
"Wait... What!! You can't take my kidney, I need that!" Killian complained.
"Oh, stop your whining. You do have two of them, and you only need one to live." Chrysalis finished.
Chrysalis raised the scalpel and got ready to make the incision.
Crash!!!
When Killian looked up, he saw wreckage all around... As well as a pink form hugging the living shit out of Chrysalis. It was Colby!
Hiss,"Let go of me, you!"
At that, Colby just hugged harder. Not sure of any other way to escape the imprisonment of Colby's arms, Chrysalis changed back into Twilight.
"Hey, pink one, let go of me. It's Twilight." Chrysalis attempted to deceive.
"TWILIGHT!!!" Colby screamed with glee, as he hugged even harder. Chrysalis began to writhe.
"Awww, somebody's cranky. Ooo, I know, you want some BELLY RUBS!!" Colby yelled as he began to turn Chrysalis/Twilight over on her back.
"Wait! Noooo!" Chrysalis screamed as Colby rubbed her belly vigorously.
"Hahaha...you are evil....hahahagaffa..I'm going to kill you after this...hagafdfhzaghgncczgbnjha!" Chrysalis/Twilight screamed in between monotonous laughter.
"Pbbbbt..Pbbbbt....Pbbbt!" Colby began making raspberries on her belly.
"Ahhhhahahahahahahagagfjchcxbkcchcudnfjcdvvhfhdxhdvdvjdjcdimañana" and then Chrysalis exploded from an overdose of love.
"Awwww, look at all the hearts." Colby said in wonder.
"Oh hey Killian! Whatcha doin on the floor!? Time to get up sleepy head!"
"Om can ghet op."
"What was that?" Colby asked.
"ah sad Om can ghet op!!!" Killian said.
"Ooooh, well why didn't you say so. We'll getcha better lickety split!" Colby said. "Now let's just see if I remember how to do this."
Colby backed away into the center of the room, closed his eyes, and squished his face into a cross between a smile and a grimace. His horn began to glow, papers started flying all around. He then blasted the floor in front of him, and there was a bright light.
"Ooh Fluttershy.." Twilight moaned, sitting in the tub. Then she noticed where she was.
"Ahhhhh!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!!?" Twilight said, eyes wide, having stopped whatever it was she was doing with that shower-head. She then teleported the tub away and spawned a towel.
"If any of you say anything, I'll send your butt to the moon, literally." Twilight told the two of them. "Now what seems to be the problem?"
Twilight walked over and examined Killian.
"Wow, a powerful sedative. Let's consult my book of completely dangerous spells, that if done incorrectly, can cause absolutely horrible circumstances. Let's hope 356th times the charm." Twilight said, drawing a book from the very same chest Chrysalis produced from the top shelf.
"Tree hunbred iffy ith!!!" Killian cried.
"Well, here goes nothing, and by nothing, I mean everything, as in you will lose everything if I screw this up." Twilight said, readying for the all powerful spell that will hopefully restore Killian's mobility.
"We call upon the spirits to blah blah blah... Here we go!" Twilight yelled. "Wingardium leviosa...Wingardium leviosa... Wingardium Leviosa..." Twilight began to chant. "Wingardium Leviosa... Wingardium Leviosa! Wingardium Leviosa!! WINGARDIUM LEVIOSAAAA!!!"
At this, there were large gusts going, "Whew, whew, whew whew!!" and then more gusts, stronger than the normal ones, and they were all like, "Zhuu, Zhuu Zhuu, Zhuu!!!"
Colby saw a gaping maw open up in the ground, tearing up floor boards and such. A large, shadowy figure arose from the dark portal that Twilight created. The trio st..st..stared in absolute terror as the shadow leered back at them with fiery red eyes. oh! What a terrifyingly horrible sight it was, why, I'm pretty sure I just wet myself. Oh how horribly horrible. The dark shadow began to rise up, even more than before. Oh so dark and foreboding, surely this must be the end of days.... It's converging on Twilight now... It's shooting off, about to hit twilight in the eye(that's what she said).... Aaand, Pinkie Pie!
"Oh hey twilight, I came here to pay for your ohgggggghtchxhxvf!" said Pinkie, as she took it all in her mouth(again, that's what she said).
Pinkie floated into the air, eyes shining like great, big, light, things. There was moaning of ponies long past, and an oh so scary deep laugh, Wha Wha Wha. Kinda sounds like Wario's laugh. White figures began to circle Pinkie's body... Aaaand, Spike walks in. The white figures stop circling Pinkie's body, the laugh that sounds like Wario stops, the moaning is finalized, her eyes stopped glowing, and the floor closed up, dropping Pinkie to the ground.
"Well... That could have gone worse right?" Twilight said, looking to Colby and the still immobilized Killian. "Right!?"
"Twilight! We need moar sprinkles!!" Spike said, very loudly.
"Spike, if you continue to eat all that ice cream, your gut will positively, most definitely explode!" Twilight said to Spike, with absolute sincerity.
"Pffft, that's future Spike's problem." Spike said, rolling out of the room.
Twilight then returned her attention to the big fat elephant in the room: Killian. Yup, Killian had in fact been transformed into an elephant. Who knew that you could get any bigger, Killian. Then Twilight diverted her attention to her maybe-dead friend, Pinkie. Pinkie sprang up.
"Pinkie Pie?" Twilight said, as she reached out to her dear friend.
Pinkie's eyes sprang open, looked around, stopped and looked at Twilight, then opened her mouth to speak...
"Whoa shit! I gotta go get some Kool Aid!" Pinkie said, as she bolted, flying like a plane.
"Excuse me!? Pinkie!!" Twilight screamed after her.
"Prrrrrt!!" Killian bellowed.
Twilight stopped where she was and turned back.
"Right, elephant." Twilight said to herself. She went all avatar state and returned Killian back to his original form.
"Let's go, Speed racer, Go!!!" Twilight screamed.
Elsewhere...
"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Granny, happy birthday to you."
"Alright, blow out your candles and make a wish, Granny!" Applebloom commanded.
"Ah gaggle fang it! Ahm supposed to be dead by now!" Granny said.
"Now don't be speaking like that, you're all Ah have since mah parents died. Without you, Ah would surely sell Applebloom to fuel mah incestuous drug habit." Applejack told Granny.
"Yeah Granny, don't so selfisWait! What!?" Applebloom said, looking at Applejack.
"Eeyup!" Macintosh got his piece in.
"All righty, before we eat this plentiful bounty of this month's harvest, let's say grace."
Applejack reached over to grab Big Macintosh's hoof, but accidentally tipped over the jug of milk. Everypony stopped. Applebloom started to cry.
"Oh no!"
"Oh no!!"
"Oh no!!!!"
........................................
Crash
"OH YEAH!!!" Pinkie said, as she crashed into the dining room.
"Oh hey Pinkie, you're just in time for dinner! We're having chicken." Applejack pulled off the cover for the main course, revealing a tied-up Scootaloo.
"AHHHHHH!" Applebloom screamed, as she was scooped up by Pinkie Pie.
"Now Pinkie, we're all just as hungry as you, but stealing Mah sister ain't very friendful of ya." Applejack said to Pinkie.
"Gotta get sum Kool Aid!!" Pinkie said, as she made another hole in the barn, collapsing the structure all around the Apples.
"Well, Ah reckon it's time we RAISE THIS BARN!!!" Applejack shouted.
Twilight, Colby, and Killian came running toward the commotion.
"Oh hey Twilight! Why you're just in time to eat this chicken." Applejack said, pointing to Scootaloo.
"I'm not even going to ask... Where is Pinkie Pie, she owes me money!"
"Why Ah reckon that Ah saw them up in them vents." Applejack told Twilight, pointing to the sky.
"What!?"
"Well whatcha just standin' there for, let's go get Pinkie Pie!" Applejack said, grabbing Twilight by the hoof.
"So who's the new guy? quite handsome I must say. Perhaps he'd like to help me buck some apples one of these days." Applejack said, giving Killian the rape stare.
"Right! Introductions! Applejack, Killian. Killian, Applejack." Twilight said, pointing between the two while running.
"How'd you like to take the reins and ride this pony 'till the cows come home?" Applejack said, still staring all rapey.
"Yeah! Do that later! Now, Pinkie!" Twilight said, still running.
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!
"Where'd that come from?"
"Ah reckon it came from the Carousel Boutique." Applejack said to Twilight.
"Oh no! Rarity!"
The quintet diverted directions.
"Three! Two! One! Let it rip!!!"
"Now what the buck is goin' on here!?" Applejack squealed like a pig.
"Why Pinkie so graciously offered to play beyblade with me, as well as kindly brought Applebloom over to play with Sweetie Belle." Rarity said to the quintet.
"Oh really, well where is Applebloom?" Applejack inquired as to the whereabouts of her oh so dear sister.
"Last I checked, she was in the basement with Sweetie Belle making cupcakes." Rarity told them.
"Pinkie, you cheated! You are not supposed to flip the board!"
"Well look at the time, time to get some Kool Aid!! Beam me up Scottie!" Pinkie said, as she teleported away.
"What in the fuck just happened!?" Killian said, for his one line of dialogue in this chapter.
"Ah don't know, nor do Ah care, but don't you use your fancy mathematics to muddle the issue." Applejack told Killian.
"We gotta go!!" Twilight said, running off.
The rest followed. Colby decided to go ahead, running as fast as his legs can carry.
"Feet don't fail me now!" Colby said, gaining on Pinkie.
"Gotchya!" Colby said, having tackled Pinkie from behind.
"Ha ha" Colby exclaimed.
Pinkie Pie turned her head a complete 180, and vomited acid into Colby's mouth. He died very unceremoniously, like Isaac Clarke in Dead Space 2.
"Oh my god, she killed Colby!"
"His sacrifice will not go on vain! But will you please SHUT THE BUCK UP!!" Twilight screamed.
Pinkie took off again, running towards Sugar Cube Corner.
"Where is she going!?" Twilight yelled.
"Well the voice from the sky obviously just said she was heading toward Sugar Cube Corner." Applejack said like a smart ass.
"Hey!"
Ahhhhhhhhh!!
"Oh no! What now!?"
"I've already told you! We have no Kool Aid! I don't even know what that is! But if your still not happy, then take my wife, just don't hurt me!" Mr. Cake said, offering Ms. Cake to Pinkie.
"Never fear! Your neighborhood Applebucker is here!!"Applejack shouted, swinging around a lasso that she seemingly pulled from her ass.
"Gotcha!" Applejack said, as she hogtied Pinkie Pie.
"WINTER WRAP UP! WINTER WRAP UP!!"
"SHUTTHEBUCKUPPINKIE!!!" Applejack screamed, bucking Pinkie in the face. "Twilight! do your sciencey whatsits!"
"Ok! Let's see... Get me some salt stat, I can't really examine her when she's bouncing around like a mexican jumping bean!"Twilight exclaimed, shoving a whole bottle of salt down Pinkies gullet.
"Ok, now speak Pinkie! What's wrong!? What's with the fixation on Kool aid!?" Twilight asked.
"Huh, huh, huh, need..water..."
"Get me some water, ASAP!"
"Now speak!" Twilight exclaimed.
"your friend's body belongs to me now!"
"Uh oh!" Twilight gasped.
"What uh oh?" Applejack asked.
"Pinkie has been POSSESSED! We need some holy water, now!"
"Well Ah don't have any of that fancy smancy holy water, but Ah reckon that some good ol' fashion'd Apple family apple cider ought to do the trick!" Applejack exclaimed, preceding to piss on Pinkie Pie.
"You can't just pee on her, that's not going to do anything!" Killian yelled.
"Actually, Apple family apple cider has devious spirit dispelling properties." Said Joey, from over Killian's shoulder.
"Where the fucked you come from!?" Killian asked Joey.
"Well I've been in your party the whole time, you just forgot to set me back in, so I used some of my master hacking abilities and gained access to the lineup. Since Colby unfortunately died, that left one slot open for me." Joey said, matter of factly.
"Nooo! I still need Kool Aid!!" Cried Pinkie.
"Go back from whence you came, demon!" Applejack exclaimed.
Pinkie started squeeing and yipping. Finally, Pinkie opened wide as the spirit left her body and returned to the bowels of the earth, never to be seen again.
"Mmmm, apple cider!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"Yay! pinkie is back to normal!" Twilight exclaimed.
Everypony got together in a big group hug, giggling and squeezing each other.
Aaaand... Scene!
"Alright everybody! Good job!"
"Mark, be sure to return the Twilight Sparkle costume at the end of the day, last time, it came back a bit sticky, with maple syrup!"
"Alright Jim, next time I'll remember to not eat pancakes while in costume."
"Have a good day Jake! See you tomorrow!"
"Yeah Killian. Be sure to learn your lines next time! You were a bit lacking!"
"Killian! The network wants to have a talk with you!"
That can't be good
"You wanted to see me Ms..."
"Molestia is fine..."
Next Time...
Stuff Happens...
Be There...
Or Be...
Square.