Chapter 9
Welcome back to the story of Killian. Now I believe we left off with our wonderful hero once again being knocked out by some uncontrollable force with which you have probably become accustomed to. Now that's too bad. In the wee hours of the morning, Killian's apparent love interest went to awaken him from his food induced coma, what a fatty.
Killian! Wake up!"
Twilight whined all too cutely, shaking our friend till he began to tremble with rage, having his rather different dream interrupted.
"The fuck you want hooker?"
At this Twilight couldn't help but feel discouraged, her wanting for Killian briefly thought over before the realization of why she initially woke him up came to mind.
"You're going with me to Canterlot!" Twilight said.
Killian sat up and stared at Twilight blankly. Befuddled at this all too simple and easily comprehendable topic, Killian's brain went into full retard mode, struggling to enunciate something even an ape could pronounce in full understanding.
"H..Huh?"
Further discouraged by Killian's impressively low IQ and overall smell, Twilight decided it best to act as if she was in the same breadth of intelligence, so as to get her point across more clearly. Twilight tilted her head and went walleyed, articulating her words in a more demeaning manner.
"C'mon Killian, lets go on an adventuuuur!"
Killian, snapped from his thought train of all the things the fox says, looked to Twilight angrily, the realization of what Twilight was doing finally dawning on him.
"Fuck off."
This response from Killian elicited a more foalish side to Twight. Playfully teasing at his hair, she went on.
"Killian! Killian! Killian! Killian! Kill! Kill! Kill! Killi! Killi! Killi! Ian! Killian! Hey! Hey Kill!"
Killian grew agitated, rage and overall annoyance building up inside him with every word and flick at hair. Eventually, he came to a boiling point, suddenly jumping up and yelling at Twilight
"WHAT!!!"
Twilight looked at him innocently, unphased by Killian's sudden outburst. Twilight backed up as Killian went on a ludicrous tirade about Twilight being bent over and, cover your ears boys and girls, fucked in the ass. Twilight, already being familiar with his innate anal fixation, simply brushed off all of his sexual advances and planted her hooves in the ground, bowing her head.
Nothing. And... HORN ZAP!"
Dear, dear Killian eventually regained conscienceness, voices of a not so distant conversation piercing the darkness of his inner thoughts.
"Well, howdy there Twilight! What's wrong with Killian?" Said a voice in a familiar southern twang. Killian listened intently, noting every voice that spoke out and attaching it to a face. He recognized this one as Applejack, the town hick.
"Well, I definitely did not fondle him while incapacitated." Another voice said matter-a-factly and to the point. Recognizing this one as his captor, Killian couldn't help but feel a strange sensation from his backside, making note that it really hurt for some strange reason.
"Oh, I do hope he gets better..." She spoke softly and hesitantly. Killian relaxed a bit, finding comfort in the words of this sweet and innocent mare he placed the name as Fluttershy, with whom did not fall out of a tree and onto him, we established I was under the influence, and I am deeply sorry.
"Awww! Now we can't party!" A mare shouted in a shrill and cringe inducing tone. Killian had the sudden thought of a gag when having mating relations with the pink party mare known all too well as Pinkie Pie.
"Darling, what is up with you and always partying?" Said a mare in an overly sexy and sophisticated demeanor. Flashes of garbled memory played through his mind, a very prominent color being red in his forgotten and vague memory. Killian couldn't help but feel contempt for this pony, whom he briefly had an introduction as Rarity.
"What's wrong with a good party!?" A recognizably tom-boyish mare said. Killian couldn't help but think back to one of his favorite cartoons growing up, finding the voice oddly familiar but also extremely broad. Another set of images went rushing through his cognizance, his slow mind only picking up something about sex. Out of everything this voice brought up, Rainbow and Dash stood out the most.
"Ugh... Where am I?" Killian asked, getting up. As he looked around, noticing all the cute pony's happy faces, Killian couldn't help but feel a sort of longing to, how should I say, "tap that".
"What a strange and unbecoming notion." The reader thought to themselves as they read on.
Killian moved the stick and, after a brief moment, realized that the cutscene had ended. Suddenly, a prompt was brought up in the middle bottom of his screen stating to "press A to say Apple". Killian instead pressed B and broke the laws of physics.
"that's right! I'm in fucking pony land!" Killian said to himself.
The curious pink pony's ears perked up, her innate need for questioning everything coming to the forefront of her heads up display. The party mare screamed out shrilly, raising her hoof in the air in the way a child wanting attention in class would do.
"Killian? Can I ask? What does fuck mean? I mean, you say it a lot, and I've never heard it before. Is it a made up word? Does it mean boat? If you say it three times in a mirror, does death pony show up? Tell me, tell me, TELL ME!" Pinkie squealed. The words flowed like a stream, no, more like a deluge of literal rainbows that lashed against Killian's face, drowning him in her utter ignorance. Quickly, Killian searched his mind for a way to word it so that a foal of her caliber could understand.
"Well, it can mean many things..."
Pinkies eyes brightened in sudden realization, blurting out the first thing that came to mind before letting the man Finish his sentence.
"Like hug!?" Pinkie interrupted.
Killian couldn't help but face palm, immediately regretting it after receiving a concussion from the sheer force he put into the showing of his disbelief.
"Sure. Lets go with that." Killian replied, having come to the conclusion that this was probably for the best.
"Oh! Hey Twilight! You wanna fuck sometime?! You know what! We should all fuck together! It could be like a group fuck!" Pinkie screamed, bounding over to her friend Twilight and giving her face a long lick, staring at her wantingly. Killian began to question whether his observation of the pony's intelligence was sound.
"Not now, Pinkie. Maybe later." Twilight replied, seeming disinterested in the topic but still showing a full understanding of the word. The train came to an abbrupt stop, flinging Pinkie right into Twilight's lap. Killian looked on in discomfort as Twilight flushed, immediately pushing Pinkie off her. Killian wiped the blood from his nose as a shout came in a southern drawl.
"Why ah reckon we're here!" Applejack said to everypony. Rainbow looked out, observing the great many racially diverse group of stallion guards, because MLP ain't racist and whoever said it is obviously wants to hear the definition of insanity. Back to the topic at hand, Dashie turned and looked at Applejack the way Killian looked at Pinkie: you've got to be kidding me.
"What was your first clue, Captain Obvious?" Rainbow dash replied.
Everypony, and Killian, got off the train and headed toward the castle, bypassing all the racially diverse ponies in armor.
"So, why are we here?" Rainbow dash asked Twilight. The group walked together, no one deviating from their set course to destiny. Twilight looked up at Rainbow Dash as she levitated a scroll and reading glasses out of her saddle bag.
"The princess sent me a letter, saying she had a speci... Fluttershy! Don't be breast feeding Spike!" Twilight shouted, turning to stare down an oddly well endowed Fluttershy as Twilight's dragon assistant Spike bit at her nipples. The reader suddenly began to question just where the writer was going with this. The answer is all too complex and complicated that if I really went into it, we would be here for days. We don't want that, now do we.
"Oh... I can't help it! I'm lactating too much!" Fluttershy squeaked.
Twilight returned to the letter and Rainbow's question. Blinking for a brief moment to moisturize her eyes, Twilight turned forward to an astounding sight.
"Anyways... Where was I? Oh! So the princess sent me a letter saying she... Killian! Don't empty your bowels on the princess's lawn! The buck is wrong with you!?" Twilight screamed at Killian. Shaking her head and again questioning where her priorities lye. As the gang came up onto the front steps of the castle, the door to the structure opened, an occupied pink alicorn stepped out. She looked up, her eyes going wide in surprise and horror as her purple tinted wings popped out in a flurry of feathers.
"Twilight!" The pink alicorn screamed, quickly turning to run away but tripping over herself.
"Cadence!!" Twilight shouted, running towards the pink alicorn.
"What are you doing here?" Cadence asked, her voice trembling as she cowered in fear.
"Princess Celestia sent me a letter about a special assign-"
"Sorry to interrupt Tw-Twilight, but what is this thing slapping my flank?!" Cadence screeched, looking to her behind. There was an overbearing air about the whole situation, the air literally seeming too heavy for the god-like creature. The goddess began to cry, wincing at every smack at her rump. And no, dear reader, we will not go further than that.
"KILLIAN!!!" Twilight shouted in an angry tone,Cadance noticeably lowering herself even more as she began to mumble something incoherently.
"What!? It's all squishy!" Killian cried defensively.
"Mah butt is squishy too!" Applejack whined, looking back to her nice plump plot, flustered.
"A-Anyway... Celestia is waiting for you inside. I'll t-take you to her." Cadence struggled to get out, scurrying away.
The seven of them followed Cadence down a dark, scary staircase. Killian yelped as he felt his foot press over something oddly cylindrical in shape, then he felt his foot compress into the ground.
Click
"What was that!?" Rarity inquired. The stairs flattened, turning the staircase into a slide. All of them started sliding down, down, down.
"Wall ahead!!!" Rainbow shouted. Killian clenched his eyes shut, in anticipation for his death. Everypony phased through the wall, safe and sound. All sliding across the floor. Killian opened his eyes.
"Hey! I'm alivbrrr!" Killian said, as he felt pressure applied to his face. Killian started screaming
"Twilight, my faithful student. Are you ready for your special ass-"
"Uh, Princess?" Twilight said, looking in concern to her dying lover.
"Yes Twilight?"
"You're sitting on him." Celestia looked at Twilight quizzically, tilting her head to the side. She looked down, noting it wasn't a pillow she was sitting on. "Oh! It appears I am!" Celestia said, lifting up to let Killian catch his breath.
"Oh god! It wreaks of vanillrrrrr!" Killian screamed, as Celestia went back down.
"Anygay, on to the assignmen- Oh! Keep doing that!" Celestia moaned cutely, a heavy blush forming over her angelic white cheeks as she assumed a look of bliss, saliva seeping out from the corners of her mouth and onto the velvet carpeted floor below.
"Princess, he's turning blue!" Twilight exclaimed, noting that she was oddly turned on by the sight of her teacher in such a state.
"Oh! Well I finished anyway." Celestia said, removing her ass from Killian's face. Yes ladies and gentlemen, you just bore witness to another scene of face sitting. You should get used to that.
"Gesù cristo! She even tastes like vanilla!" Killian shouted, quickly getting up. Killian observer end his surroundings. Due to its overlly white and sterile look, he surmised that he was in an Apple store.
"Anypoo! Lets go to "The Room" Celestia said, escorting everypony, and Killian, down a dank hallway.
"The Room?!" Oh my god, she's going to torture us!" Killian cried out in fear for his already misplaced virginity.
"No Couch Cushion, as much as am flattered at your sexual advances, I'm afraid I am just not that into you. Celestia spoke calmly, crushing a small bit of Killian's frail and delicate little heart.
"Couch Cushio- Wait what?!"
"Yes! I must say, you were very comfy." Celestia said excitedly, clapping her wings together.
"So princess, about my special assignment?" Twilight inquired.
"Yes! You are going on an expedition, and you alone." Celestia said, pushing past the solid gold door.
"But why?" Twilight whined.
"Because I said so! Now be a good little student, and jump head-first into this mirror." Celestia said, pointing to a plane of glass in the center of the room.
"Well ok! If you say so!" Twilight said, getting a running start towards the mirror.
Twilight ran, and leaped right toward the mirror, inevitably slamming her face against it. Celestia barely stifled a snicker.
"Whoops, I guess that was the wrong mirror. Try this one." Celestia said, pointing towards the mirror in the back wall.
"Ok! Here goes!" Twilight said, running towards the other mirror.
As Twilight made contact with the mirror, she flashed away, grabbing a gasp from all her friends. Killian stepped up to the mirror, curiously.
"Where did she go?" Killian asked.
"Why don't you go find out!" Celestia said, bucking Killian's ass through the portal and into the spiralling vortex that is student loans.
"What.the.fuck!!!!"
And so ends the story of our hero Killian, who so valiantly threw himself into the heart of darkness to save his dear Twilight from the clutches of the chaos god Discord. What perils await Killian in a little place known as purgatory, well go out and buy yourself a copy of Visceral Game's DANTE'S INFERNO (available for xbox 360 and playstation 3) Who cares about Nintendo, Nintendo can go to hell. What an awful system.) note:Actual person and not a paid actor.