Your best bet is to get a proofreader. You've got pluralization errors and other small mistakes all over the place. They may be small like I said, but there's enough of them that they start to add up.

2992854 Thanks for the feedback!

Dude your layout is all wrong...But nice first attempt

2992920
It's got potential at the very least.

2992966 In what way could I improve it? I'm really eager to get better at this

2993356

Read the wrtting guide on this site. It helped me ALOT! And just keep writting. The first story I wrote was total shit, and even tho my storys are still total shit, at least the layout and punctuation is correct :P

2993374 Haha thanks for the advice man. I guess we all start off shitty somewhere

2993384
You know what, Ill be your first follower just for the heck of it. I dont really have alot of time for this site, but if you need a pre-reader for future work, I may be able to help. Best of luck

2993480 Thanks I appreciate it