20- An unintended Leak
I was left speechless, literally. I could not form any coherent sentences. Cadence and Shining were here! The ponies I had metaphorically and ironically ‘fallen in love with’ at the first sight. I don’t know why or how but every moment that contained either one of them always had me captivated. It confused me and everyone of my fellow bronies why I liked these two so much. But hey, I guess I was just ‘built different’ compared to them.
Anyway with my brain still in a daze from the earlier binge reading and then seeing these two before me my brain basically blue-screened and had to completely reboot. This did not go unnoticed by the pair as they glanced at each other nervously whilst I lay there with wide eyes, my slitted eyes flicking between the two every few seconds.
"Uhh, Cadie? I think you broke her.” Began Shining Armor breaking the silence that had fallen upon the hospital room.
His comment broke me out of my fatal systems error as I shook my head slightly to remove the last of my daze.
"Uhhh, nope I’m...uhh fine. Just was not expecting visitors. Least of all you two to walk through the door. Name’s Jolyne by the way.” I say, nervousness prevalent in my voice. Cadence giggled at my answer.
"Yes, having a pretty pink princess walk through your door tends to have that effect.” She said with a small laugh, trying to lighten the mood.
"Yes… Pink…" I answered without realizing it as I looked at the very pink princess sitting next to me. She was Incredibly pink. Comically so. With her pink and golden mane. A pink flowing dress with golden accents similar to the white one Celestia wore. Even her eyes were pink. You don‘t tend to notice these things when you watch it on the show. But lying there and seeing this comically pink anthro version of your favorite character really makes you notice.
"Oh don‘t look at me like that. Pink is my favorite color and I own up to it, little Jolie. Nopony can pull it off as I can. Ain‘t that right shiny?" She exclaims in a mock pout looking towards her husband. He in turn chuckled and shook his head in response.
"Of course honey. Nopony in all of Equestria can pull off that color as well as you can." He answers in mock exacerbation
"Darn right, nopony can!" Answered the pretty pink princess with so much mock force and determination that I couldn‘t help but laugh along slightly with Shining Armor at his wife’s antics. Cadence joined in shortly afterward after several seconds of holding her determination. Once our laughter had died down I began speaking.
"Oh wow… I needed that laugh. Thank you. Now, what can I help you two with? It’s not everyday you get two new royal visitors. What can little Jolyne help you with?"
The two of them briefly glanced at one another before Cadence answered.
"Well, we… Just wanted to meet you for ourselves. Meet our newest cousin and see how they're doing in this, no doubt, drab hospital. How are you doing by the way? Those bandages do not look comfortable."
"Oh trust me, they aren't. But otherwise, I‘m doing… fine I guess. Hurts a lot less than before that’s for sure. Being stuck in this bed though is getting tiring… Especially being nothing but a burden on everyone around me."
"Oh, sweety." She moved to hold my hand, I didn't stop her. "You’re not a burden"
"No, I am. I have been nothing but trouble." I move to look her in the eyes, a fire burning behind them. "And I hate that. I am a grown woman for Christ's sake. Yet here I am" I say gesturing towards the room we were in. "Stuck in a hospital because some stupid vine caused me to fall and damage that stupid ring and have, what I have been told was, one hell of a magical surge. Not to mention what… She… did to me at first sight. Hell, now that I think about it, only Spike, Celestia, and the two of you were the only ones not to instantly attack me on sight. Well… The guards as well but I think that's thanks to Celestia.
"So yes, unfortunately, Cadence, I have been nothing but a massive pain for everyone involved. And I personally cannot wait for Celestia to get me back home so I can get out of your hair Permanently. Hopefully, after my legs are back in working order."
"W-well that was…interesting to hear Jolyne."
"Look. I have nothing against you two it’s just… this whole situation is starting to get to me y‘know? A girl's patience can only last so long. Plus I doubt this body is doing me any favors in that regard."
"I think this whole situation is getting to all of us, Jolyne, " She said, glancing slightly at Shining before resuming eye contact with me. "Some just more than others. Just hold on Jolyne, everything will work out we‘ll make sure of it. It's why we‘re here after all."
That brought up another question. "Why are you here anyway? In Canterlot I mean. Surely you’re needed in the Empire more than here right?”
"W-well after what we saw we needed to see how we could help in any way we could.”
"Wow, the vines were really that bad?”
"Vines? Oh yes, the Plundervines! They really did a number on Equestria didn’t they Shiny?”
"Yeah, they did. The Sun and the Moon were in the sky at the same time if you can believe that. If something like that could happen we needed to see how we could help Equestria recover.”
"Oh wow… well don’t waste your time here go and help Equestria they need you way more than I need the company.”
"Thank you for the encouragement Jolyne but… are you sure you want us to leave? We can stay if you want.”
"Nah I’ll be fine. Brain is still a little fuzzy from my *ahem* binge reading so time will fly by no problem.” I say with a smile. This certainly surprised Cadence but she smiled soon afterward. I also just really want to have a happy dance that I got to meet you two I added mentally.
"Alright then.” She stood up and walked over to her husband who’s gaze had… changed? It was hard to tell but something was different about it but I just couldn't put my finger on it before it changed again. He smiled along with his wife, gave me a small nod, and left as Cadence followed shortly behind him after giving me a small wave.
I, naturally, waved and smiled back before they went out of sight and I followed their hoofsteps out the room. I heard the door open and…didn’t hear it close. The click wasn’t there. I was just about to speak up and tell them that I prefer my doors to be closed when I dance in excitement but…
"*Sigh* She doesn't know” I overheard through the slightly ajar door, my interest peaked. What didn’t I know? Well, a little eavesdropping wouldn't hurt, right?
"This makes our job harder. Heh as if it wasn't already complicated enough.”
The hell? Am… I the reason they came to Canterlot?
"What did you think of her shiny?”
"I… don’t really know to be honest. I expected to see a monster in sheep's clothing lying there, not a kid covered in bandages.”
"Shining!”
"What?! You can’t blame me for thinking that! She dropped the Sun on Equestria! A desert melted Cadie, melted! I have every right to be worried for the safety of the love of my life.”
…I did what?
"And now… I’m not sure what to think. She just seems…lost and could be a danger to us all.”
"Shining… I’m dangerous, you're dangerous, we are all dangerous… Do you know what I saw back in there? I saw a filly who’s caught up in a situation she has no control over. A filly whose only experience here has brought her nothing but pain and suffering. A filly who needs our help.”
"You didn't let me finish. After seeing her though, in the flesh and hearing her side of the story… I need to think this over Ca-"
That was the last thing I could make out as they got out of earshot leaving me to stare at the position of the door, ruminating on what I had overheard. To ruminate on what Shining had said.
I melted a desert?
I glanced up at the horn on my head nervously, its surface still contained behind the golden glow of Celestia’s containment spell.
I dropped the Sun on Equestria?
It didn't take a genius to figure out what he meant… to imagine what he had seen. After all, we Humans did the same almost 90 years ago now from my perspective.
I saw the orange glow of my Magic swirling underneath the crack on my horn. Its energies are seemingly barely contained inside the bony structure of my horn. Because of course, this situation couldn’t get any worse. I just had to have the equivalent of a nuclear warhead strapped on my forehead. And it had detonated… because of those vines… because I had hit my head. And now… now…
The last thing that went through my mind as I heard my heart-rate monitor skyrocket and my breathing became short and panicked as blackness crept around the corners of my vision was a saying.
I have become Death, the destroyer of worlds
I passed out, my mind filled with horrifying images of what I had done.
Update
Time - to - p-a-r-t-y !
:|
Very Nice
That grown inside filly needs hugs and snuggels
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media.discordapp.net/attachments/691458224607723622/891906608928530472/1357964011332.gif
Awesome work you did here can't wait to see what you do next
Poor girl... She is NOT going to like how the rest of this, cluster-buck, situation is going to unfold.
someone give her a hug now or i swear to god i will rip and tear until it is done
Next time on 'My Little SunSpot'.... Will Canterlot survive Jolyne's Covenant Super-Corvette Glassing Beam impression?!?
So she's not going to tell them she isn't even a pony at all? Or that Celestia supported her abuse?
she knows the damage of that kind of thing and i think she is worryed she might be responisble for some death so she urgently needs to be shown a report (if one exists) of what happend in plain wording so she doesnt panic and freak out as much or this could go verry bad
How long before she will learn the real/full truth?
The reason she had paralyzed legs and the reason she blew up the desert?
For now, it's just jumping around the subject but never comes to revealing it to Jolyne, with become irritating..
Maybe some doctor/scientist comes to her room, starts talking a lot about her situation, then starts blabbering, and by accident reveals these 2 things to her?
someone save Jolyne, holy shit.
Saw the update announcement on the discord server while I was at work so I had to wait before I could read the chapter, but it was good, relatively uneventful, but good. She really needs to be told about how Celestia caused all of that because she refused to remove the ring
Can’t wait to see what’s next!
What's a Q phase??
11002673
First thing that came to my mind was that phase where the headmaster gets supreme power over the universe with Q/discord powers, but I don't think that's it.
Great chapter, I would say huge bombshell of a reveal, but her horn already fired it. I'm looking forward to the second half of the reveal.
If she doesn't go home she just drop the mini nuke on her head to get her point across
90 years? From what year she is, the desert test was in 1951, she is from 2040s?
11002762
They might be talking about the nuclear bomb
11002762
The Trinity Device was detonated on July 16th, 1945, approximately 76 years ago.
When observing all his hard work create a fireball larger than anyone had ever seen, the inventor - Doctor J. Robert Oppenheimer - is said to have uttered; "Now I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds."
This is mentioned in the film "The Hunt for Red October" when Captain First Rank Marko Alexandrovich Ramius (famously played by Sean Connery) is speaking with Captain Second Rank Ivan Yurievich Putin (played by Peter Firth) in his cabin, finding the latter reading his late wife's Bible.
11002762
That's a little late. Try 40s, the were testing it in New Mexico, in the desert. Then we used it, ended a war it did. Maybe you've heard of it? WW2.
11003126
if she thought of that one, then yeah.. it was first conceptual test albeit it wasn't that spectacular aside of raw TNT equivalent (25 ktonn) and not visual... if you look at the place today, it looks like conventional dusty, grass-speckled plain. By description of "sun down" and "glassed desert" - that's Nevada tests, but by actual power Joline is not aware about - she was more powerful than Tzar Bomb if explosion was seen THAT far.
11002673
Basically A levels where you spend roughly 2 years learning for the big exam called the Abitur, here in Germany
11003288
Funny thing is I took the line of the Sun from a TheRussianbadger video with the joke: We blew up 3 boats and they dropped the Sun on us twice!
I like that line so much since with the right writing it makes it a truly terrifying visual when not used in a joke.
That is something, Think about it. That line. I have become Death, the destroyer of worlds. Very much like spoken by Oppenheimer a scientist who was one of the many making the Atomic bomb.
To realize that one has the power to not just destroy or blow something up. But annihilate so much. Something so powerful that by all means should be avoided.
The fact that she realizes this is something that very few understand. Those who fear using weapons of mass destruction that they hold, are wise to fear it, for no one wins in Armageddon.
11003458
this could also be bad for her in other ways as she will likely classify herself and her magic as a WMD and this could impeed or comprimise her getting contorl of it, or worse her magic could respond to her image of it and work to make it a reality
11003527
Oh, I know. But This has me really wondering what happens next.
Good chapter
warhead on your forehead? XD oh man...cant wait for the next one as usual
Nice openhiemer reference! (No i cant remember how to spell his name lol xD)
Nice chapter! I hope jolyne doesnt fly off the wheel after the whole "i have become death destroyer of worlds" realisation
11003333
Oh neat
11004045
*Nervously glances at the 900 word in progress chapter 21*
11004435
XDD haha well i am sure nothing too desperate will happen.
... But have someone on watch just in case
11004561
*Cough* if they can even get close to her that is. She’s curled herself up in a corner and is crying to herself *Cough*
11004565
Owo quick! Apply the bombshell! Surprise them so people can get close and apply the hugs!
11004585
She has been given a sandwich in the meantime
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Woo! Sandwich for the win!
Huzzah
I am suddely thinking of a little Alicorn so worried about her horn getting hit she runs around with a thick roll of bubble wrap around it. The atomic bubblecorn is now a thing! HAHAHAHA!
11006054
you have given us the image so now follow through and give us the sound effect
11012265
The sound effect to what? I would expect that an Alicorn with bubble wrap around the horn sound much the same as one without unless the horn is hit.
11012274
someone walking around in bubblewrap makes a disticnt noise but i cant find a good one. i did find a few images of people wrapped in bubblewrap walking around but no sound
Huzzah
To say this story and its characters are both poor as well as ham-fisted is an insult to both poor people and ham.
11026588
Huh… Okay roger that. I know I‘m not the best compared to you so I understand where your coming from. What advice can you give me so that I can avoid this problem in the future or atleast see where I went wrong to try and correct it. In my mind I thought I had made their motivations and emotions clear as to why they are the way they are.
I want to make it clear that this was my second ever story so it is terrible in the eyes of professionals so thank you, really thank you i mean it, for pointing this out. So if you have any help you can give me please feel free to share as I want to improve as writing this story has been a blast for me and I want it to be the best it can be and deserves to be.
Also love your stories Jest aswell as the help you gave me on my halo story I dont think ive properly thanked you for that :D. So once again thank you for your honesty and any help in coorect these errors or helping me learn from them would be greatly appreciated :D
11026682
In other words i need some more specifics in what has gone wrong from your perspective as a more experienced Author
11026682
Honestly? I think if upon entering Equestria Jolyene had unleashed her magic by accident and either killed or hurt someone your entire story (or at least the first few chapters that I read) would be alot better. Because as it stands Luna's fear looks so irrational that her character is fundamentally broken on a level that made me think that you genuinely hated her and this story was one giant "Luna is a shit character" story.
Without there being any reason to fear Jo other than "She looks like Daybreaker" everything comes off as stupid. Twilight's fear is dumb and irrational, doubly so after its found that Jo's done nothing wrong and had made friends with Spike. Celestia purposefully crippling a child after they almost died, is borderline insane. Luna facing no repercussions for attempting the murder of an innocent is ridiculous. Equestria doesn't get many murders and an attempted child murderer just walking around without any repercussions after she did so in broad daylight is crazy. I'm not saying she should get lynched or something but child murder is not something a group of people just brush off. Also, the whole crippling thing is again, incredibly edgy and lands about as well as a lead plane. You need to either establish that THIS Celestia is an emotionless monster, or that Jolene is a genuine threat, and without either this story feels like it was written by someone who hates MLP and is making every character into a horrible, hitlerisque version of themselves out of pure spite.
In writing there is a term called the idiot ball. Its where you make a character stupid because you cant get the scene to play out like you want unless you force them to be stupid for a bit. It seems like this idiot ball is passed from one character to another in this story.
It should go without saying that you should avoid this. If you want Luna to be a monster, then give her a reason. Show how Jolyne accidentally wiped a town off the map once she got there. Have her arrival on Equestria accidentally do that if you don't want her to be responsible so at least there can be an unspoken assumption that she had done it. Have a flashback where Luna relives some horrible thing the nightmare did. Make it so Jolyene has some urge to murder people or blow up the sun. Without any reason the audience is just going to sit there and roll their eyes until they click away or they fall out of their sockets.
As a rule, you want to go into all scenes and settings with the assumption that every character involved is going to be kind, patient, and intelligent. If your scene falls apart because you need someone to be stupid cruel and rushed then you need to either rewrite the entire scene, readdress your understanding of the character, or you need to go to great lengths to establish why they would be those things.
Also, it seems like you tried to give them a reason by saying "Shes got space magic" but you give this to us directly, spoonfed from the narrator instead of showing it. You may think this is enough justification but its alot like watching a movie and the narrator says "This guy is an asshole" but on screen hes feeding the homeless while donating blood all while fighting godzilla. It doesnt matter how hard you say "Hes a jerk!" if you dont show him being mean.
I have more thoughts but thats the jist of it. Sorry if its long.
Oh and sorry if that was a little rude. I was feeling a bit spicy for some reason.
11026763
Ahhhhh I understand. Yeah the narrator things are just from my inexperience at the time but that is easily fixed, noted down and remembered for my future writings. Luckily aswell the issue as to why Celestia and Luna are doing what they do to Jolyne isn‘t a huge issue for me right now as It is something that will be adressed in a future chapter as it is a pretty important moment for the story.
Otherwise thank you very much for the help Jest. I‘m thankful that you took the time to write this out and properly tell me whats wrong :D. Also your spicyness is fine. Im sure youve ran into stories with similar problems where the Author genuinely did hate the characters and brushed you off. I Love the characters and doing this to them in MLS is something I do not enjoy doing without their being a narrative reason. Anyway once again. Thank you for your help
11027148
No problem, and I had a feeling you will/did address it later, it's just there was no way I was going to make it that far as it's something that should be addressed immediately. Such a glaring thing can be put off, and treated as a mystery, but it feels like you both try to explain it, and also not at the same time. This ends up feeling like your trying to save the repercussions, and explanations for a big reveal later while also explaining it a little which makes it fail at both things as you don't seem to commit to one or the other.
Something that big just can't be put off and it's likely why you've earned as many negative comments as you have. It just makes your characters look dumb, and evil which I mean you can have one, but both together make people immediately bounce off the story.