After some heart to heart conversation and letting loose of worries, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Velvet share a passionate experience together at Canterlot's premiere adult club.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I want to read this so bad you have no idea.
but it will have to wait until after November.
I'll be saving it.
This was great fun. Cute and hilarious in equal measure. Not my thing, kink-wise, but I knew that much going in.
Also, it's weird how much sense this makes for Twilight Velvet's character. The fandom seems to have her pegged as a romance author, but I like this better. Not sure she'd have the patience to sit down and write all day.
Alright, this was a pretty nice read through!
I figured it's about time I started paying more attention to FiMFic, again, since I sorta lost that drive being here for so long. So this is the first story I've properly read here in... years
I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I didn't like this story for the sex. It was written well enough, yes, but I thoroughly enjoyed this for everything else it had! It's so easy to write smut that just focuses on the sex and very little else, when that's often the shortest and most basic part to focus on.
Velvet's written wonderfully, I adore the mix of maternal and flirt vibes she gives off throughout this. The little banter between the two and their dynamic was honestly the most fun thing to read.
Beautiful <3
This was really great. Velvet and Rainbow both came across as very true to character, and the sex was great. Hope there's a follow up with Rainbow meeting Velvet's friends some day.
11035696
You know you can read without masturbating, right? Just read for the story? That's what I always do when I find myself reading one of these. I read for story and plot. Not for sexual pleasures.
11036776
yeah but see.....masturbating isn't the challenge
I'm going for a lack of content consumption.
11035779
Thank you. I'm not the biggest fan of her interpretation as an author either, not given what we see in canon. Maybe before that episode I could've been convinced but after seeing her as a daredevil I just can't picture her sitting down and writing.
11036245
By all means I don't take it the wrong way at all! If anything I really appreciate this comment. I do my utmost to write erotica rather than just plain boring smut. I've no interest in writing just sex itself... it has to have meaning, purpose, an act of care behind it. Hence why so much of this story is devoted to them talking or otherwise working things out. And I really appreciate you enjoyed those aspects as I worked quite hard on them. Velvet was a ton of fun to write.
11036332
I can't necessarily promise a follow-up to this, as the idea was more for one last joke at poor Rainbow's expense, but if the fancy ever does strike me I'll do my best to write it well. Thank you kindly.
11036778
Ohhh... kayyy then.
11036953
đź‘Ť
11036858
Velvet was tons of fun to read! It's always nice to see more of her overall, plus her being a really good domme? Heck yeah!
Didn't we just get a show of her setting it down out of reach?
Felt a bit of whiplash from how close together these two bits were... them having concerns and addressing them feels natural, but then playing directly into it feels like it's just to checkbox against the art.
11037695
Whoops. That part went through a rewrite and I must've left a bit of line in from the original version. I'll go fix that.
Ah, I was wondering if someone would bring this up. I have an answer for this actually. While yes, I admit I did want to use the quote from the art in the story, the reason behind why they suddenly shift to playing into it isn't just to checkbox. It's because Rainbow Dash already liked Velvet in a similar way that she did Twilight Sparkle, because she liked their names. The issue was that she didn't fully realize that on a conscious level, so she was, as noted, trying to work out not seeing Velvet as a proxy. Once she worked out that Velvet wasn't a proxy, she could then accept what she did like about Velvet, and the fact that it happened to be something very similar was, well, because of the fact that's the name passed down. Hence why i established it as the House of Twilight.
That said, this section underwent a big rewrite, part of the same reason that extra line you mentioned was lingering. I did my best to try to avoid the whiplash but I found that if I inserted too much material between them it slowed the pacing down that the story ground to a halt. So... yeah, hard to find a middle ground.
In any case your critique is valid and I thank you for it.
Nice detail, already loving the world building.
11037840
No worries, I understand, and that moment didn't really detract from the overall experience. You still did great establishing a mutual attraction between them, and combine that with pointing out Velvet's canonical daredevil tendencies, I'm surprised this is the first time I've seen this pairing
Wow this was hot! And a great read altogether.
There's so much to like, a good representation of BDSM, confirming consent, age positivity, actual talk and making sure they're both on the same page, not just before but after too as well as just hot sex between two sexy mares.
I really love the worldbuilding too, the high magic setting meshes well with the story. The sound dampening to allow conversation at the bar was a particularly nice touch but the enchanted stainless sheets, the real feel dildo and much else was creative too.
I also love the depiction of Velvet as a daredevil, I don't think I've ever seen that before, as a magic powerhouse, sure but not as a thrillseaker. Rainbow being embarrassed about being bottom fits well with her character too and I'm glad Velvet helped her accept that about herself.
Now I know this is nitpicking, but I try to be constructive in my comments as well and there were two things I noticed that felt a little off in this otherwise great story. The first is just a minor detail but Rainbow was wearing clothes when she arrived, fairly unusual that in and of itself but she does dress up for special occasions. The thing is that I never noticed her taking them off, they just sort of vanish, a bit of a shame as that could have been quite the erotic moment where Velvet helped her undress or watched as she made the younger mare strip.
The other is that it seems to be a little whiplash in Rainbow's affections. At first she seems to not be into Twilight (the younger) at all and instead having the hots for her mother and AJ, then there's the talk about Velvet not being a stand in for her daughter and Rainbow is back to finding the older mare very sexy, which is reinforced at the end. I can't say there's anything wrong here as all the talks are well written, but it just seemed like it came a bit out of nowhere.
Lastly, I just really liked it okay, there's no clever way to say this, it was good.
11040087
Aww thank you Atom Smash. I really appreciate all of the compliments here. I also appreciate the constructive critique.
Firstly when it comes to her clothes you are 100% correct. I'd been in a rut so I wrote this over a long stretch of time (several weeks) and as such completely forgot about that detail, so they just vanish. Alas. That's something for an eventual edit pass. One of these days I plan to go over my older works and do some editing.
Regarding Rainbow's affections this is where I admittedly didn't do as good a job at depicting what I was trying to go for, which is that she's into a lot of people. AJ, Twilight, Velvet, and many others besides. She's never quite sorted out what love means or if she's in love with anyone but she likes a lot of them. Her feelings towards both Twilight and her mom get mixed up in her head too, especially a few times here thanks to a combination of her anxiety and the cider. She starts worrying about using Velvet as a proxy primarily because Velvet brought up Twilight. That, and this actually changed from one of my original ideas, which was that she was actually more worried about messing with Velvet's marriage. However it was pointed out during pre-reading that it wouldn't make much sense for Velvet to own and operate a sex club like this without her marriage firmly sorted out. So she ends up mentioning that part sooner in the story than initially thus I had to shift the crux of Rainbow's issue.
Rainbow herself also has no idea what she really wants. She's not a very self-aware person, and has yet to work out whom she might actually be in love with. I threw in all the AJ stuff because canonically she ends up with AJ (and this is post season nine pre time skip story) but if I didn't have to do that I would've focused a lot more on differentiating between Twilight and Velvet.
TLDR: she's into everyone, has no idea what she wants, and keeps getting confused, hence why she seems to be all over the place. But as I said, not as well conveyed as it could have been. Critique taken and kept for future reference, thank you.
11040309
I can very much sympathize with that, should have known from the heartfelt Author's Note.
Ah, upon reflection I can see that very well, Rainbow not being perfectly aware of how she really feels is very much in character for her and this is a new and scary situation for her. I am glad you mentioned her husband early on, it really goes to enhance the positive feeling of this fic. Would have been a bit of a letdown if they were going behind his back or if he was forgotten entirely.
aww i can just imagine this! love pony ears
hehe, nice to see that nickname coming back. fitting, since Rainbow is nervous about being in a new environment
so sensual that this feels like foreshadowing, haha
gotta admit, it definitely adds to Twilight Velvet's allure that her manecut is exactly the same as her daughter's
oh no Rainbow Dash please don't kill half of Canterlot's Ă©lite mid-orgy
Rainbow Dash's libido has the right idea
i really liked this point of connection between them, all the more for how annoyed Twilight Sparkle must be by it
holding back a meme response to this rn
really liked this bit of backstory, too! placing Twilight's family in the nobility, but not too powerfully so, is a great headcanon
very convenient! ah, magic is so great
hehehe
title drop!
oh hey that's me
oh hey that's my nightmare
oof, Twilight Velvet is really playing to a certain dynamic here and i am very for it
oh yeah that was interesting wasn't it
ooh this is great stuff here. very sensual and just nice
also very good. ah, teats are great
haha, always fun to see Rainbow's competitive streak
oof, pretty glad i've never been in the position to have to slow down my own libido during sex, as mixing in such unpleasant thoughts with sex is upsetting
aww! i love the mental image here, very sweet
wow, magic is great!
well, that's making me hope she is! it'll be so funny to tell Twilight
oof, fantastic stuff here. a very fitting climax (heh) of the story, and yet another thing that makes me wish Equestrian magic were real
yes, she is canonically a GILF! weird to think about, but true
ah, ending on an anticipatory note! such a happy ending, imagining the great times Rainbow Dash has ahead. a perfect way to end a lewd. i really liked this placement of a BDSM club into the context of Equestria's setting, with long lines of inherited noble ownership and the use of magical devices for not only some fantastic toys, but also the privacy of the patrons. and i really like this idea of Velvet being an experienced, thrillseeking older domme who gets a kick out of taking care of her daughter's hot friends. it fits so well with the small details in her canon characterization and biography, and you've definitely sold me on this TwiDash ship (even as the fic itself denies the idea of them actually dating, i kind of want to see it now, haha).
as i've said before, really wish there were more lewds like this on the site. thank you for this piece of it, and i hope you keep writing more
Nice writing!
Wow this story is so good you did a very good job