Is going insane the only solution for being alone? Forever...
Being alone... Will it make you insane? Or are you already insane? Will a young small town pony experience being alone? Forever... Erin Star, That exact young pony, will find out.
First this is my first attempt at a longer work of fanfiction, And second, this is an OC fic, I just couldn't find any regular character suitable for this work.
It was just a normal day, just like every other. Well, if you could consider my life normal, than it would be. It started just like every other day, I wake up at 6, eat breakfast and head off to work. I like my job, and I always have, I work at a toy store, selling toys to little fillies of all ages. I love working with children, and I always have too… My name is Erin Star.
To everypony else, my name is Erin, but to me and a few others it’s Aaron. Its odd having a stallions’ name, especially when you’re a mare, but I've dealt with it for thirty six years, and ill continue to. Before I was born, my parents just had a feeling that I was going to be a colt, so when I was born, they named me Aaron without thinking twice. When they found out I wasn't a colt, they were quite disappointed, so they decided to have another child, My younger brother Jack.
Throughout my childhood, I dealt with Jack always being their favorite. I didn't mind though, mostly because he was MY favorite family member too. And that’s where my love of kids came from.
Like I said before, I love my job, but I have a strange feeling about something. The odd ponies that walk around in lab coats have been acting weird. Yes, I now they’re just scientists, but they have been acting weirder than they normally do. All this has gotten me worried, I don’t know why, but I know something is wrong. I just can’t but my hoof on it…
“ERIN!!!!!”
“Wha what?” I must've dozed off, I haven’t gotten much sleep lately.
“Erin, C'mon, you have worked for me for twenty years, You've been my most loyal employee, and you chose Now to slack off”
“Oh, oh… I’m sorry Boss, I haven’t got much sleep lately, I've been being distracted by something”
He lets out a sigh, “Now what could that be, miss?”
“Its all the scientists around lately, they've been acting strange”
“HA!!” he pauses, “Of course they’re strange, they’re scientists… And I assure you, you have nothing to worry about”
“Ok sir, ill get back to work.”
“Ha, I know you will”
I ring up a toy for a mare and her daughter as my boss walks into his office , laughing about those “Strange” “Scientists”…
I can’t blame him, it’s not like any other ponies are thinking about it the same way as I am, they’re just going on with their happy lives, just like they always have, and probably always will. It is I strange feeling, I just KNOW, that’s something is wrong, but I cant figure out what, or why. You just have to know that feeling, something is just not right, but what is it. It’s like you can feel that somepony is watching you, you just don’t know whom it is…
I have managed to doze off again, maybe I am over thinking this, its like I’m talking to somepony In my head, but I know nopony is there… Am I going insane? No. I can’t be, I’m only thirty six, why would I be going insane, its not like there is something to go insane over…
Third time I've dozed off, it’s a good thing my boss hasn't seen the past two times, and thank Celestia that my shift is almost over.
This has been the first time in twenty years I have been glad, even grateful, to have had my shift end. I don’t know what’s up, I’m just so confused.
As I walk out through the back door, I say goodbye to my boss, and judging by his expression, he’s glad that its closing time too. He just thinks I need some rest and I’ll get over all this, but I don’t think so… A good night sleep doesn't sound too bad though.
I’m walking home and I look up at the sky. It’s a cloudless night, and all the stars are shining brightly. I always loved living here, I've been to big places like Canterlot before, and at night there’s just so many lights, you cant even point out a single star. It seems like large cities never sleep, running perpetually day and night, never even stopping for a quick rest. Here though, when it gets dark, ponies retreat from their doings and make for their houses. To come back to their occupations in the morning, fully rested. I always loved living in small places, they just feel right. When I first moved out of my parents’ house, I went to Manehatten, and a month later I moved again, to a much more “Homey” place. I moved here when I was only sixteen, and I've been here ever since.
Ponyville, such a wonderful place. A small quiet town, amidst a huge bustling world.
I make it home, and I open the door. My house is just the way I left it this morning. I slump into the couch and I turn on the television, I almost never pay attention to it, why would I? I live in a small town virtually oblivious to the world around us. A decent few know of the outside world, but for some this is all they've ever known, or ever will. Most of the time I just have the television on to make it seem less lonely, I live alone and most of the time other ponies don’t come over.
It feels so weird, I have the feeling that I’m being watched, even though I know I’m not. It’s been like that for the past week, like somepony is studying me, just out of my view. Am I going insane? I don’t think so… I could be…
I look at the television, some mindless cartoon is playing. I shift my gaze to the dark window, and then back at the screen…
I turn it off and walk to my room. I stare at the ceiling for a while, then to the clock, and then I roll over and fall asleep.
A rustling from outside. A shadow shifts in the window… And all is silent.
This morning began just as every other; Well besides the fact that it’s raining. I wake up, go to the kitchen and get a drink. I get a mug of my morning coffee. I never finish a pot of coffee in one day so on Monday, it’s fresh, but the rest of the week its cold and flavorless. I’m not one to waste things, but it might be a good idea not to drink week old coffee every Sunday. After a drink, I take a shower. I let the warm water soak through my mane. The shower, the one place I don’t fell like I’m being watched… Thankfully.
Today is particularly wet and dreary, so for once in a while, I actually used my old jacket. As I step out, the regular ponies are doing their morning things. They are all in warm clothing just as I. I walk down the street and I look at the sky, It isn't a very bright and cheery day at all. The sky is grey, with ought even a patch of blue, or ever white for that matter. I make my way further down the street, until I reach the main square. Not many ponies, but a few are scurrying around doing there business. I walk up to the shop, unlock the door and walk in. I’m always alone in the morning, my boss doesn't get here till noon. Whereas I get here at seven. I don’t see another soul all morning. Usually mornings are slow, but today the weather made it even worse.
I don’t see nopony until Three, a father buying a last minute birthday gift for his son. I like it when parents buy gifts for there children, it shows the kids that their parents love them. When I was little, I almost never got much. All my parents’ focus was on Jack. I went through life knowing they loved Jack more than me. I’m not saying they didn't love me, I know they did. Sometimes I loved Jack more than them too. It was hard, but I-
CRASH!!!
I jump, But then I realize it was just thunder. I hadn't noticed that outside the steady drizzle had turned into a ferocious downpour. It looks like I’m going to be here a while…
I lose track of time… I have been staring at the clock for hours. I cant tell what time it is anymore though. Its broken… It just keeps going ahead five seconds… and then back. The second hand has been bouncing between the eleven and twelve for hours, But the other hands wont budge…
I get more tired every minute.(or what I think is a minute) I can’t tell if its night or not, The cloudy sky has been preventing me from knowing all day.
I am almost asleep…
I look to the door… Nothing.
I look at the clock… Nothing.
I hear the bell! I look at the door… Nothing…
Am I going insane? I might as all well be. I’m slowly slipping…
I collapse to the floor and doze off,
But before I’m out,
I see a dark shadow looming over me…
I come to my senses… I look around.
It reminds me of a hospital, the walls are white, the floors are whit… Everything is white.
I slowly get up. I feel drowsy… I slowly walk to the door. It’s locked…
I jiggle the knob… Nothing.
I look around. A key! I walk over to the table and grab it.
Luckily, it worked.
I step out into a hallway… More white. I keep walking…
Every step seems like a lifetime in this never ending hallway. When will it end?
I feel a sharp pain in my flank… But before I can turn around…
…I muster the strength that I have and get up, I have no knowledge of what happened, It is all a blur. As I survey the land around me, I try to recollect the memories of what had happened. The first thing that I notice is… Well, Nothing, All I see is just barren terrain, and nothing else. All of what I remember is a blur, the last thing was a dark shadow, and then white… Everything was white. I look around more, all I can see besides the terrain is what appears to be a mountain, far off in the distance. I think to myself, It could be miles to there, or even hundreds of miles… But then I think, it is somewhere to start now isn’t it?
I sit down and rest for a while, trying to regain my strength. It is odd, I must have been sleeping, but I was neither awake nor well rested. I slowly get up once again, and start walking.
As I walk, I get an odd feeling, It really is quite odd, it is like I’m being watched, That feeling for some reason is nostalgic to me. It is strange. For some reason, as I walk, the landscape doesn’t change much, nor does the temperature. Once again, another peculiar feeling…
I walk for what seems like days, but was only a few hours, because I slowly started to notice the change in lighting, it was night. I couldn’t tell where the sun was at all, I could see far, but the sky was obscured by an odd, hazy fog. I decide to rest for the night, as I can’t see much at all anymore. I was drifting into sleep as I hear something... a voice? It was definitely a voice, but who was it? Was it me? I look around once more and decide it was just nothing, so I fall into sleep once again.
Throughout the night, I had one dream, it was odd. It was just me, walking around in this barren place, and nothing else, me and the hard ground alone. In fact, the next day I noticed something strange, the ground was hard… Very hard. Hard enough that I couldn’t scoop a single speck of dirt from it. All I could do was put mere scratches on it, like it was some sort of metal. It was also cold too, so cold in fact, I shivered throughout the whole night. As I walk on the second day I begin to wonder, like how did I get here, and what is this place anyway. Despite all the questions, I keep walking, locked on a perpetual staring contest with that never changing lump of land on the horizon.
Over the next few days I start to notice some strange things. First off, when I am walking, I never seem to notice the small mountain changing, but when I wake up, it’s closer. It could be me, or maybe something else. Another thing, I have started to hear voices in the night, and an ever growing dread of the fear of being watched. One more thing was the fact of food and water. The only thing I have consumed in the past 6 days was a small, browning plant. Its roots weren’t even in the hard ground, just lying on it. Then the water, I am honestly baffled on this, but I haven’t had a drink from even a murky puddle in 4 days, and normally one of likes of me would be surely dead by now. It is all strange, something is off about this, very off, but I can't put my hoof on it, not even the slightest bit.
As I walk for the next few days, My mind starts to swirl with these questions, not only that but the voices… They are ever growing in intensity. I have been getting headaches from all this, and in the back of my head, I can hear them. I can’t make out a thing, but I just know… they’re laughing. I lie on the ground in pain, clutching my head, while they laugh, demonically and never ending. But somehow, every night, they quiet down, right to a whisper. Barely making a single sound, but I can hear them, and they know I can too…
The voices seemed to be at a peak of intensity, but then they vanished, without a trace, for six days. For those six days, I felt more lonely than I have in my entire life, never was I this alone, and I hope I never will be. After those six painful days. The voices were back, but not with the same intensity as before. They are much more subtle now, ever growing but yet ever shrinking, like they had lost interest in my pain, and have turned to somepony else’s. This went on for a few days or so, but then… It happened again. Another four dreadful days pass, and I am beginning to wonder how much longer I can cope with this…
The Voices… They are speaking. It is about me, but I don’t know what. They aren’t insults, but I feel these comments aren’t happy ones either. With all the voices, it gets hard to think sometimes, and because of that, I have lost all recognition of time. All I will now eventually is night and day, I have been starting to lose my grip. I can’t even remember what happened to me before I ended up here, I can tell I knew it, but it is gone, lost forever. Some of my less memorable moments are gone, I remember my family, but that is slipping too.
I don’t know what happen, but another two days of utter, bone chilling silence. Over those two days though, I drilled my family into my head, my Mother, Father, and Jack. Every possible moment I was running them through my head, free from the prodding voices.
I wake up, aware of the voices, but something else, what was it? I was supposed to remember something… But what? I look up to the murky fog of a sky and hope, just hope, that what I forgot… Wasn’t important.
I don’t know why, but the voices aren’t bothering me anymore. They are just as intense as before, but when I hear them, I laugh… I am chuckling at what has been haunting me for what seems like lifetimes, I have been losing my grip on reason. I think as hard as I can, back beyond this torture, to my college professor. The class had a discussion about insanity, and what he said, if he was a stallion, was that first your reason goes, and then… Reality does.
I have lost almost everything, a few things I am holding on to are slipping. But the rest… they are gone. Among the last are me, and my name. All I know now is that mountain, I never cease staring at it, it has barely changed, and it is still a brown lump on the horizon.
I don’t know how many days it has been since I haven’t heard voices, but I know they will be back. But for that period of time, I run… I am running to the mountain, as fast as I can go. I don’t know what is happening, but I am running, day and night, never ceasing… Not even once. As I run on the third day or so, It is getting dark and I almost lose my hoofing a number of times. But in the pitch black… I trip. I am sent hurtling into the hard ground. I should be hurt, but my body is numb… as I lay there, they come back… I laugh… and I laugh some more, and soon I say to myself”
“I am Erin Star, and I… am insane.”
I stand up, my whole body aches… It is growing lighter, and I hear something odd. It could be me… but I thought I heard a crash…
My head is swirling, the voices are insane… The intensity is the likes of something impossible. I lay there clutching my head in anguish. The voices are killing me, and they are ever growing. I try to stand… I fall under the crushing weight of the sound…
It gets louder, and at a peak of unmentionable intensity… I open my mouth and I hear something audible…
A scream.
I am confused, but as my vision fogs I lose it, I lose it all. I fall. I lost my grip, and the last I see is a familiar white…
My body aches, I feel the pain before I even regain consciousness, I manage to open my eye just a crack, and all I see is darkness. Not only can I not see, but my hearing has perished, not a single sound whatsoever. I summon some inner strength to lift my head off the hard ground, and I look into the never ending blackness. I lay there and stare, but I begin to notice something… I can’t put my hoof on it but I can tell it’s something. I stare and I stare, into the never changing- Wait. I slowly begin to grasp what it is. Before I can even run the idea through my mind once more of the blackness instantaneously shifts from black to blinding whiteness. The grays in-between were lost within the second.
I lay there. I lay there utterly dreamless; my internal thoughts were on the whiteness… the blinding, unforgiving whiteness. I have laid here for a lifetime, and I feel like I shall lie here forever.
Uncountable time passed. I feel like it is the end of my life, this forever never ending pain. If it’s not Death, and is in fact reality, than it’s the lonely plain of whiteness that is surely, undoubting, Insanity…
I finally regain internal consciousness, unable to move but my mind is working, an eternity of pain was served, and this is my reward… life.
Once more, I am rewarded; I lift my eyelid and blink. The whiteness slowly fades, fades into something more nostalgic, a dark unyielding grey. This familiar color brings me up; I have a newly regained will, the will to survive.
I bring my head up high and look at the expressionless sky, I lift my hoof up and I bring it down onto the cold ground: and then another… a third… finally, the fourth… I look around, and without thought, I take a step. Then another… more follow. I am walking… walking into the familiar grayness once again.
I am once again part of the perpetual motion that I used to be, not because of familiarity, but because it is all I know. I have forgotten what I knew; the last of my mind has perished. But why continue? Why not? To start again is not something all ponies are “Gifted” with. The clockwork is fading in, it’s almost robotic, utterly instinctual. I ask myself, “Why walk forever when you can die?” and I respond with, “Why die, If you are already dead?”
I feel that insanity is bliss, but how could one surely know, as nopony has ever, “Come back from insanity,” Unfortunately, I believe to be one of those ponies, who traveled to insanity never to return, lost in the chaos of their own mind. I don’t mind it actually, it seems like a soothing end, if you are unable to tell what parts are real, why not believe that they are all your imagination. Imagination… When it’s paired with insanity, it is truly the end.
I am still walking, I haven’t eaten in quite possibly a few lifetimes, but why would I need to, my mind is already dead, why not the rest of me!
As I walk, I begin to wonder, I wonder some very, very strange things, of likes that shouldn’t be thought by anypony. But thankful for my will, I proceed… proceed further on the never ending plain. Honestly, I am not sure that it is never ending, but there is no possible way to tell, and I don’t think I will ever know.
I continue walking for a considerably long time when something bright catches my eye. I begin to get confused, so I retrace my steps. There it is again! Something is lying in the dirt a few meters away from the path I was walking. I slowly make my way over to the undefined item, unaware of what it is. I reach it, and instantaneously know what it was; I remember it from my past, the past that has been lost to me. The object was a knife, an old sheath knife, it had some rust coating the blade, but despite this, I noticed a word etched into the blade ‘Salvation’.
An odd name, ‘Salvation’, a very odd name indeed. As I stare into its rusted blade, I begin to wonder about how it could get to such a place as here. I sit down for a while and I inspect the blade in front of me, I have never felt this before, but I just KNOW that it means something, but I also KNOW that it could mean nothing, just nothing at all. I think one last thought before I continue on my endless journey, but as the thought crosses my mind I chuckle a little bit. After a few moments of this, I grasp the knife in my forehoof and walk forward, further into the endless plain.
As I walk, the same thought is hammering around in my brain, it is the unspeakable thought, the thought most ponies think of at least once. Some ponies conquer over this thought... But some crumble under its crushing force. I am unsure of what side I lay on, and I wonder how this whole situation is going to end.
I press on, even as the thought presses further into my mind. I am starting to believe that I might give in, but I notice, that with each step I take, I put the thought further back. As I walk, I am in a constant war with myself, a war that can only end in life or destruction.
As I walk, I begin to realize that I have been further losing my memory; I can't even remember why I am still clutching this dull knife. I know that I must, but I have no clue why. I am still walking, but the further I go, the more I lose my mind, but the more the thought is pushed back...
I walk and I walk, but no closer do I get to the end, and I am starting to believe that the second possibility may be my only choice to end this insanity. I am basing this on a mere fact, that if I have no memory, no clue who I am or what I am here for, so why should I press on, only to delay the inevitable?
I never knew that a life could dwindle down to such a point, where there is only one escape, the one escape that nopony should ever need to make. I am starting to believe that this is what I must do, and that there is no other way.
I clear my throat, and I look up into the sky. It's dark and motionless Grey is something that I could never forget, if I could only survive long enough...
On the last second before I snap, a thought crosses my mind, a final run, the home stretch, the last try, before the end of it all. I mentally prepare myself, and then I run...
I run...
I run the fastest I have ever, never stopping, never yielding. I run...
I feel unstoppable, even when faced with the never ending stretch, I truly feel free, free from the- THUD! I stop. Like I hit a wall, have I reached the end?
As I look up, my head starts to spin, but I can clearly see nothing has changed, nothing to hit, nothing to stop me...
As I stumble upwards onto my feet, I laugh, and I pull the knife from my clutch. I bring it closer. I close my eyes as I feel the cool edge against my neck... I feel like I can't do it, but I know I must. I slowly increase the pressure on my neck... I am about to do it but my hoof is locked into place. I slowly feel a warm feeling run down my front, and I look down...
Past the knife I see the one lonely drop of blood reach the ground...
My body screams at me, and I scream back. And finally, as I can bear it no longer, I break the tension on the knife. My leg flings out and I lose grip of the knife- CRACK!
I slowly turn to where the knife would lay, but instead of lying on the ground, it is jutting out of something...
I walk over to it, and after a closer look I can start to see cracks spreading from the knife. As the cracks spread, I start to laugh again.
I laugh as the world around me comes crashing down, but as the cracks finally reaches the other horizon, I collapse...
