Dumbest Doll
Sweetie Belle sat alone in Carousel Boutique, having nothing to do as both her friends were busy. Rarity was currently out of the house, doing some shopping, and she was having a busy week so Sweetie pretty much had nopony to talk to at the moment. The little white unicorn filly was bored out of her mind.
Just in the nick of time, however, Sweetie Belle heard the door to the Boutique open and immediately rushed to see if her sister had come home, which she had. Rarity was carrying several shopping bags with her magic, though she noticed one of the bags looked different from the others.
"Hi, Rarity!" Sweetie Belle greeted her sister.
"Oh, hi, Sweetie Belle! Sorry I took a while. You can't imagine all the things I needed to buy!"
"Yeah, I can see," Sweetie eyed all the shopping bags her sister carried.
"And as you know, I'm going to be rather busy this week, and I feel absolutely dreadful if you had nothing to do at home. So I decided to buy you something to keep you entertained!" Rarity said as she levitated the shopping bag that stood out from the others towards Sweetie Belle. "Why don't you take a look?"
Sweetie Belle was rather curious what her sister had bought from her. She pulled out the box from the shopping bag and saw it was a box for a doll. The box read "Happy Time Harry", obviously the name of the doll inside, and it was covered with an illustration of a unicorn playing in a green field filled with rainbows, birds, sunshine, and butterflies, but the doll itself did not feel the same. The doll was very strange-looking, being what appeared to be a bald depressed-looking human man wearing nothing but boxer shorts and big red dancing shoes that did not fit him, he had a strange scar on the side of his stomach, and one of his hands appeared to be missing. The doll did not seem to live up to its name at all.
"'Happy Time Harry'?" Sweetie Belle read the doll's name out loud.
"Do you like him? I thought he could be a great partner for you! He has red dancing glitter shoes! He could dance while you sing!" Rarity attempted to hype up the doll, though Sweetie Belle could tell Rarity wasn't believing her own words.
"I don't know, Rarity. This doll looks real tired...and bald."
Rarity's fake wide smile faded and the mare just sighed. "I'm sorry, Sweetie Belle. I know that doll looks awful. But it was the only one I could afford, as the other ones were too expensive! He only cost three bits which I thought was a steal. And I didn't want to leave without buying you something."
"It's okay, Rarity. I appreciate you wanted to buy something for me," the filly gave her big sister a reassuring smile.
"Thank you, Sweetie Belle. Why don't you give the doll a try? Maybe you'll like him," Rarity assured. "I unfortunately have to work right now, so maybe you can play with him in your room?"
"Uh, okay," Sweetie Belle said hesitantly before she left the room and carried the doll with her.
"Hey, I'm Happy Time Harry. You got a problem with that? 'Cause if you do, we'll go right now," the doll glared at Sweetie Belle as he pointed a knife that suddenly appeared in the place of his missing hand at her.
"Woah, calm down! I just...thought we could do something like...sing and dance together...or something," the filly stammered, still surprised from the knife the doll pulled on her.
"No, I don't do that. I strained my back a couple years ago lifting boxes. My old lady kicked me out 'cause her sister was coming onto me..."
"Jeez, that's terrible! What happened?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Uh...you know, I don't know. I was passed out, so..."
"Wow, that's sad."
Sweetie Belle and Happy Time Harry just sat in awkward silence for a moment before Sweetie grabbed the box Harry came in to try and lighten the mood. "So, I looked in your box, and I noticed you don't really have any accessories with you. No brushes, mirrors, bags, clothes, or weapons,"
"No, I don't have a firearm or anything like that. I just got these...action bills," Harry said as he pulled up a stack of envelopes in his hand.
"Yeeeaahhh...that sounds like fun," Sweetie Belle said, avoiding eye contact with the doll. "Hey, how about we go play outside? Maybe that can cheer you up!"
"Oh, yeah, sure. That sounds like a really fun idea," Harry said sarcastically as his angry face never changed. "Why don't you play outside, I gotta take a nap, alright?! Wake me up at midnight 'cause I gotta go to work!" Harry ordered as he lay down on the floor and closed his eyes.
"Uh...what do you need to work for? You're a doll. And what job needs you to wake up at midnight?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Do you get paid to be annoying or something?!" Harry shouted at the filly.
"Alright, alright! I'll leave you alone! Jeez," Sweetie said as she walked out of her bedroom.
Sweetie went down to where Rarity was working. The white unicorn mare was busy sewing together a new dress, but she stopped when she heard her little sister enter the room.
"Why, hello there, Sweetie Belle! How's that new doll of yours?" Rarity asked.
"Hey, pipe down!" Harry shouted from Sweetie Belle's bedroom, his voice muffled by the walls and ceiling.
"Ssh! Quiet, Rarity! He's still sleeping!" Sweetie Belle warned in a hushed tone.
"What? Sweetie Belle, it's only four in the afternoon. Why don't you wake him up and go play outside?"
"I tried doing that, but he said he's gonna spend the rest of the day figuring out how to pay his bills."
"So the doll teaches you about paying bills? That's...cute," Rarity forced a grin, not sure how to react to this new information.
"Shut. UP!" Happy Time Harry shouted again from Sweetie Belle's room.
"He told me it doesn't matter how hard you work or how much you do. You're always gonna be in the hole. And sometimes he says 'Get out of my face, and if you got a problem with that...I'll cut you'."
"He says all that?!" Rarity asked, her concern growing.
"Yeah, and he said his medicine costs a lot of money, too."
Rarity then tore a sheet from her note book and grabbed a pen with her magic. "Well, if that's the case. Let me make him a check for one million bits! I bet that would make your doll happy," Rarity smiled as she levitated the piece of paper with the number one million written on it to Sweetie Belle.
"Yeah...hopefully."
Happy Time Harry slapped the fake check out of Sweetie Belle's magic grip.
"You think this is a game?!" he said in an accusing tone.
"Uh...isn't this supposed to be a ga--" Sweetie Belle attempted to answer before the doll cut her off.
"I mean, do you think I live in Pretend Land?!"
"Well, then what's gonna make you happy?" Sweetie Belle asked her doll.
"Pills. Okay? Gimme some pills."
Sweetie Belle walked in on Rarity in the middle of her sewing again, her face now more nervous than before.
"Hey, Rarity? Do we have any pills?"
Rarity stopped her sewing immediately after hearing her sister. "Pills? What in Equestria do you need pills for, darling?"
"Happy Time Harry says he needs them. He says the pills make the phone calls go away," the filly answered.
Rarity sighed and grabbed another sheet of paper from her notebook to write on. "How about a prescription from Dr. Rarity for jolly sunshine happiness?" Rarity smiled and scribbled the fake prescription onto the paper and handed it to Sweetie Belle, only for her sister to smack it out of her grip.
"Do you think this is a game, Rarity?! They're gonna garnish his wages and how is he supposed to pay child support then?! I'll tell you, he won't!" Sweetie Belle shouted at her big sister, which caused Rarity's face to grow more displeased.
"I really don't like your tone, young lady! And I definitely do not like that new doll of yours!"
Rarity decided to go up to Sweetie Belle's room to confront Happy Time Harry herself, with the filly following close behind. The two white unicorn sisters found the doll standing in Sweetie Belle's room, and Rarity had a very stern face put on, prepared to give the doll a piece of her mind.
"You! What's this I hear about you needing pills and money?!" Rarity asked the doll, but immediately after, the doll suddenly started vomiting all over the floor, causing the sisters' eyes to widen in shock. "Sweet Celestia, you reek of liquor! I thought you were supposed to be a happy-time dancing doll!"
"Haha, naw, dude. I have to get totally ripped to dance," Happy Time Harry answered, his face looking more tired than before.
The doll then started vomiting again, before falling onto the floor on his back.
"Ugh...we should flip him over. He might choke on his own vomit in that position," Rarity winced as she charged up her magic.
"Nah, just leave him. He's just gonna die soon anyway," Sweetie Belle said, her voice completely devoid of life and joy.
Rarity gasped in horror at what her little sister just said. "Sweetie Belle! What kind of attitude is that?!"
"Why don't you open your eyes and take a look at the world around you?! You can see there's no point!"
"That's it, Sweetie Belle! You and your doll are going to be spending some time with somepony with a sunnier attitude!"
"Hey, while we do that. You get me that Happy Time Dialysis Machine," Happy Time Harry suddenly said, still lying on the floor.
"Dialysis machine?" Rarity asked.
"Yeah, I had half my liver removed once, and...I'm not supposed to drink, but...I do."
"Right! I've heard quite enough! You two are coming with me to Sugarcube Corner!"
Sweetie Belle and Happy Time Harry sat alone in Sugarcube Corner's kitchen, waiting for Rarity to come back and finish talking with the pony she wants to spend tim with them, who Sweetie Belle can already tell who it's gonna be.
"Your sister's a real pain in the ass, kid," Happy Time Harry told the filly.
"You know, Happy Time Harry, just being around you...really makes me wanna die," Sweetie Belle said.
Rarity suddenly barged into the room, with a large happy grin planted on her face. "Hey, Sweetie Belle! Look who agreed to accompany you today!" she said in sing-song.
Pinkie Pie bounced into the room, with an even bigger grin on her face.
"Hey, Sweetie Belle! How are ya? Ooh! Is this your new doll? What's his name?" Pinkie asked as she leaned her head close at said doll.
"Happy Time Harry," the doll answered plainly, clearly not amused at seeing the pink pony.
"Nice to meet you, Happy Time Harry! I'm Pinkie Pie! I gotta say, I really like your shoes! Do you like dancing? 'Cause I love dancing too! Rarity said you two were feeling a little gloomy and grumpy today so I figured how about I throw a party for Sweetie Belle's new doll! We'll bake a cake together! We'll sing together! We'll dance together! We'll eat cupcakes toge--"
"Hey, pink retard!" Happy Time Harry cut off Pinkie's party plan announcement. "Not now. Not ever."
The room ran quiet again, and Rarity was beginning to feel uncomfortable.
"Well, uh...I'll leave you three alone for now. I must get back to the boutique and continue my work. I'll come back later, Sweetie Belle! And Pinkie Pie, if there's any trouble, just tell me, okay?" Rarity said.
"No problem, Rarity!" Pinkie Pie reassured.
"That's good. Must be off!" Rarity walked away out of Sugarcube Corner.
Pinkie decided to break the awkward silence between her and the filly and the doll, removing any nervousness she had previously. "So, Happy Time Harry! We don't need to do a big party like that, it's fine. We can do something else you like. Is there anything you like to do?"
"Well, sometimes...I like to take this knife and just...cut myself," Happy Time Harry chuckled grimly as he traced his knife down his shoulder and breast. "See how hard I can do it before I...pass out, man."
Pinkie Pie fell silent and just looked around nervously, not knowing how to respond to that. "Wow, that sounds...fun. Hey, how about we bake some cupcakes together? I've been using a lot of the red frosting recently and let me tell ya, that red frosting stuff is dee-licious! I mean, it might just be my favorite after the purple frostings which are also really really go--"
"Hey, party pants. Let me ask you something. Why do you talk so much?" Happy Time Harry asked, interrupting Pinkie yet again.
"Well, I just like sharing stuff with my friends and--"
"Is it because deep down...you know that you're a fraud? That you're a lie? That you're a sham?"
Pinkie's smile started to falter a bit as she became more nervous around Harry. Even Sweetie Belle was becoming uncomfortable.
"Uh...I think I need to go to the bathroom," Sweetie Belle said as she snuck out of the room.
"Do you just keep laughing and partying all the time because you know that on the inside... you're just sad, and empty?" Happy Time Harry continued asking.
"Uh...do we still wanna...bake those cupcakes?"
"You know why we're born into this world in the first place, right? It's because someone put us here...to die."
"That's not true, everypony has a purpose. I like to make other ponies smile and laugh and have fun! I even have this party cannon--"
"For what?! You're a horse! Look at you. You're a clown. You're a joke!" Happy Time Harry continued putting Pinkie Pie down, as the mare's lips started to quiver.
Outside Sugarcube Corner, Rarity exited out the door and was walking back to the Boutique, but she stopped in her tracks when she heard a loud bang coming from inside the bakery. The unicorn ran back inside towards the kitchen and was joined by Sweetie Belle who just came out of the bathroom, and when they arrived at the kitchen, they were both met with a horrific sight.
They saw Pinkie Pie lying on the floor, most of her body hidden by the counter, with only her hind legs being visible. On the walls and cupboards behind her, they could see red liquid splattered all over the place. Next to her, Happy Time Harry stood.
"Pinkie Pie!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed in horror.
"I had nothing to do with it. She did it herself. Because she couldn't stand being with you," Happy Time Harry said.
Suddenly, Pinkie Pie got up and made her head visible atop the counter for Rarity and Sweetie Belle to see, having a grin on her face and her mouth covered in the same red liquid that covered the walls and cupboards. It relieved Rarity and Sweetie Belle once they realized it was just frosting from a piping bag she accidentally burst in attempting to stress-eat its contents.
"Hey, girls! Don't worry, I'm still alive! I'm just really depressed," Pinkie said as her smile instantly faded away.
Rarity growled at seeing what was in front of her and decided to grab a nearby knife with her magic and pointed it at Happy Time Harry as she approached him. "That's it! I have had enough of you making everypony around me miserable!"
Instead of backing away from the knife pointed at him, Happy Time Harry instead stepped closer to it until he was pressing against it. "Oh, you wanna stab me? You got what it takes? C'mon, ram the knife in me. DO IT! NOW!"
Pinkie Pie suddenly lept up and stopped Rarity from any potential actions she was about to make. "Wait, Rarity! Stop! That's what he wants! So we're gonna have to do the opposite!" she said as she turned to face the doll. "Prepare to be immortal!"
Pinkie Pie held Happy Time Harry in her hoof, accompanied by Rarity and Sweetie Belle as they stood in the throne room of Canterlot Castle in front of Princess Celestia herself.
"Miss Pie, do you mind explaining why you dragged us all the way to Canterlot to meet up with Princess Celestia just to get rid of a doll? We could've just thrown him into the Ghastly Gorge and saved us all some trouble!" Rarity said.
"I'm glad you asked, Rarity! You see, Happy Time Harry wants to die, but we don't want that to happen. So, I brought him here to Princess Celestia so she can turn him into an alicorn so that he will live forever and won't die!" Pinkie explained.
"That is a terrible idea, Pinkie!"
"Yeah, wouldn't turning him into an alicorn make him all super powerful and stuff?" Sweetie Belle chimed in.
"Maybe we can get Princess Celestia to turn him into an alicorn with all the immortality but none of the powers!" Pinkie suggested.
"What? No, dude. How is she supposed to turn me into an alicorn? I'm not even a pony!" Happy Time Harry shot down Pinkie's idea as well.
"See? Even the doll thinks that's a ridiculous idea!" Rarity said.
"I'm afraid he's right, Pinkie Pie. I could not turn him into an alicorn even if I wanted to. Besides, contrary to popular belief, alicorns aren't really immortal, we just live a lot longer," Celestia chimed in as well.
"Oh. Well, then...what are we supposed to do with him?" Pinkie asked.
"I think I've thought of a solution that will solve all our problems," Celestia said. The alicorn then charged up her horn and fired it at Happy Time Harry, who then disappeared into thin air.
"What did you do to him?" Rarity asked, completely confused by what just happened.
"Oh, I just banished him to the moon. That way he won't be able to hurt anypony, and he won't be able to kill himself. Hopefully," Celestia answered.
"Ah, alright."
Silence filled the room, with nopony knowing what to say.
"So...what now?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Well, I still have those dresses I need to make, so I suppose we should head back home. Thank you very much, Princess. Come along, Sweetie Belle!" Rarity called her sister as she, Sweetie Belle, and Pinkie Pie all headed out of the throne room and headed back home to Ponyville. "That took way longer than it should have."
On the moon, Happy Time Harry just stood quietly seeing where he was, and watched the Earth in the sky. Now he was more miserable and frustrated than before, and it would only get worse.
"Aw, great. Just my luck."
As if in response, two pixelated aliens started approaching him, one big and green, and one small and pink.
"Look, Err. Old Sunbutt has sent up a new nerd for us to terrorize," Ignignokt said.
"Now prepare for an ultra moon spanking!" Err declared.