You are Anon, proud of chin and green of hue. Specifically you are the Nth Anon, category “Unwilling Dimensional Traveller”, subcategory “Equestria”. It has been many years since you arrived in a cartoon world in a flash of blinding light. Along the way you have made friends with the locals, intervened in matters of national security and generally enjoyed being taller than everypony else.
Today finds you in the library of the Crystal Castle. For hours now you’ve been frantically reading books of magical lore, pausing occasionally to scribble runes on a sheet of parchment. Slowly, you ink over the pencil marks as your magnum opus comes to completion. A problem that has vexed you for hours is nearly solved.
With a smile and a stretch, you reach out and shake the small bell on the desk. There’s no sound, but a flicker of purple magic tells you it worked. Somewhere in the depths of this crystal labyrinth, a bing bong noise would be sounding in whatever room the lady you sought currently resided in. Any second now…
*POP*
A lavender alicorn teleported into the room. She smiled to see you, her eyes running over all the books on your table.
“Everything alright Anon?” She asked pleasantly.
“It will be in a moment. Behold! The fruits of my labour!” You hold the parchment out and Twilight takes it from you. She looks over it, confusion creasing her brow. That’s annoying, you expected a little more recognition of your genius.
“I know most of these runes, but never combined them like this. Just what is this meant to do?”
“Twilight, have you ever had a day where you awaken with a craving? A craving that if not fulfilled will consume your every thought and leave no peace in your soul until it is satisfied?”
“No Anon,” She deadpanned. “As a mare of a certain age, I have never known such a sensation on a monthly basis.”
“Fair point. So you know the kind of distress I’m in. I found myself thinking of a drink from my homeland, an elixir served ice cold, the likes of which I haven’t had the pleasure of since arriving in this pastel wonderland.”
“What drink? And just what does that have to do with, whatever this is?” She gestured to your masterpiece.
“Cherry Coke. Well you see, I just had to taste that delight again. So I went to see Pinkie and told her of my dilemma. Naturally I assumed that she’d just pull a bottle of it from under the nearest rock.”
“And?”
“She expressed her sorrow at my plight, then she said that it didn’t work like that. As a way of apology, she pulled a cupcake from under the nearest rock. With that option exhausted, I moved onto Plan B and went to see Discord. I told him my tale. “No problem.” he replied and with a snap of his fingers, summoned me a rooster made of glacé cherries.
Well I told him straight, that that was funny but maddeningly unhelpful. He said that was brilliant and immediately printed it onto five thousand business cards. I asked sincerely if he could help. The fiend started rambling on about just how much of his power it would take to reach across dimensions and fetch me a can. I won’t bore you with the details, but it was an insulting low number. Realising that no hope lay that way, I relented and played a quick game of Living Scrabble with him before coming here.
I was hoping for a nice simple spell that shared memories, but the nearest I could find was in that book labelled “Don’t Cast! Highly illegal! For academic use only!”. So I had to get creative. Which leads us nicely back to the paper you’ve been squinting at for the last five minutes.”
“Anon,” Twilight sighed. “That’s all very well and good, but how is this meant to share memories? Even if it did, how would that help you get a drink?”
“Think about it my dear little bookworm. There are ponies in this world who live to make flavours a reality, all I need to do is get the taste out of my head and into theirs. Why don’t I run you through my thought process and see what you think?”
“Ok, lay it on me.”
“We start with a short lived paralysis spell, which should last about ten seconds. I’ll need to be perfectly still for the next bit. Then this one here is a medial scan spell, I’ll think about the taste of coke and you should see bits of my brain light up. The illusion spell marks the appropriate areas of my brain with little tags. These next two are a combination of x-ray and magnification, that’ll let the caster zoom in on the right neuron. With the little blighter in your crosshairs, a remote charging spell, set to a very low voltage. Fire that off and stimulate the neuron. If I’m right, this spell here will then let you measure the output. Take that output, and enchant a crystal to replicate it on a blank neuron in the user’s brain. Memory transfer without dark magic, simple as that!”
Twilight stared at you, her mouth open and closed a few times. Then a thoughtful look came over her.
“That just might work. There’s a problem though.”
“Oh? Where?”
“The remote charging spell stage. The level of precision needed to hit a single neuron is astronomical. I couldn’t do it, I don’t know if even Princess Celestia could. Getting the pure taste memory is impossible. At best, it’d stimulate a cluster and you’d get a memory of a time when you drank it.”
You smile, at last things are looking up. “But that would be enough for a brew master to replicate?”
“I guess so, as long as you're happy letting somepony else see through your eyes.”
“For that sweetness, yes, I am ok with that. Will you cast this for me, please?”
“I don’t see why not, even if it doesn’t work, it shouldn’t harm you in any way. We just need a crystal to enchant, I'll go and get,”
*Clink*
“Just for my own peace of mind Anon, were you aware that a harmony infused crystal table will slowly grow back if, say, some ape chipped off the corner with his elbow?”
“For your sake Twi, let's say yes.”
“Good, give me a moment.”
You watch as she rereads the paper, then her horn begins to glow brighter and brighter as she pulls magic from the aether. Your body locks up as stage one begins, followed by a strange but not unpleasant sensation as the spells coarse through you. Crystal powder falls to the carpet as runes carved into the block and it gives off a soft blue light. Finally your hand twitches as you regain control of your limbs.
“Did it work?”
“Only one way to find out.” She taps on the crystal three times and a strand of blue lighting runs up her hoof and in through her ear.
“I’m getting something. I see a desk, I’m typing something on a keyboard. I’m, well I guess you’re reaching for a glass bottle with a dark purple label. It feels cold in my hand, I’m taking a sip. Oh wow, that is nice. The bubbles tickle and I’m letting out an impressive burp.”
You fist pump. “Yes! It won’t be long now. You can pull out Twi.”
“Doesn’t work like that Anon. The memory isn’t finished yet. I’ve put the bottle down and I’m wiping my mouth. Head’s turning, I can see your screen now. There’s some artifacting but I think you're looking at a picture of me. Oh, is this that cartoon you said you knew our world from? Yes, that’s definitely me and Big Mac. And we’re…”
Twilight goes pink in the face and stares at you for a moment. In a fluid movement, she crushed the crystal to dust with one hoof and slaps your face with the other. Then in a flash of purple light she teleports to parts unknown.
Right….
“Anon, darling! Whatever has happened to you?”
“It’s a long story Rarity, mind if I come in?”
“Of course not, please sit down.”
In the Carousel Boutique, you sit in the living room with Fashion Horse and tell her of the day's events. She listens intently, sipping from a cup of tea as you go.
“I simply cannot believe Twilight would act in such a way, just seeing a picture of herself and Big Mac. To leave a mark like that on you, it’s just not ladylike!”
“I know Rares, at least all my teeth are still in place. What really hurts though, is that I’m no closer to getting my drink.”
“That will not do. I may not have Twilight’s gift for the arcane, but I’m no stranger to following complicated instructions. Let me try it for you.”
“You really are a diamond Rares. Thank you.”
“Flattery will get you everywhere darling,” She winks at you. “Now I don’t have a crystal to hoof, but from what I remember of Magic 101, a gemstone should do just fine.”
A topaz floats over from one of her storage boxes. Like Twilight before her, Rarities horn lights a brilliant blue as she charges up. You feel the same sensations from last time as an unseen force carves runes into the gem.
“My, that took more out of me than I thought. How Twilight does things like that everyday I shall never know. Now let's see what all the fuss is about.”
Tapping the gem three times, the lighting strand runs up her pristine coat.
“My, what a strange posture. I appear to be striking tiny boxes with your digits. Such speed and precision, I must take a trip through that mirror one day and try this myself. Ah, there’s the beverage you mentioned, I’m ingesting it now. Oh that is delightful, no wonder you want to recreate it. Oh Anon! The least you could do is say “excuse me” after such an act! Now I’m looking at a light show box, I say that appears to be me, with a…with a…”
Disproving certain sayings about atmospheric electrical discharges, Rarity crushes the gemstone and delivers you a slap that makes your ancestors wince. Being forcefully levitated out your seat, the last thing you hear before getting thrown into the street is;
“WITH A TIMBERWOLF!?!”
“Three broken molars and one canine.” A monotone voice informs you.
“Theenks Doctar. Ei caan eel hat.” You reply, a trickle of blood running down your chin.
“Don’t worry Anon, I know just the spell." Starlight zaps you with a magic ray and the pain leaves your jaw as four teeth slot themselves back together.
“Much better, thank you.” After your ejection from the boutique, you’d limped round to the School of Friendship looking for Starlight. Mercifully she was still in her office, having a chat with Maud.
“Who did this to you?” Starlight asked aghast.
“Rarity, although I think Twilight may have loosened them for her.” You then give the two mares a quick rundown of the day.
“That’s weird. Can I see the spell?” You hand it to Glimmer. “Not the best work I’ve ever seen, but nothing here that should make the caster so violent. I wonder what went wrong?”
“Azul Macaubas.”
“Pardon?” You ask Maud.
“It’s the superior stone for holding information.” She states simply. Reaching into her saddle bag, she pulls out a smooth piece of gray and blue banded stone. “Try it on this.”
You look at Starlight. She looks between you and the pebble in Maud’s hoof. “Only if you’re sure Anon.”
You give it serious thought, but a world without that sweet taste is not a world worth living in.
“Do it.”
Starlight nods and performs the ritual. Everything goes into slow motion as you realise that Maud has tapped on the stone once, twice.
“WAIT!”
Too late, she strikes the third time and a familiar strand of lighting travels up her leg. Desperately you look around the office for something to defend yourself with, but there is nothing here that Maud couldn’t break with a look. So you brace and wait for the pain train to pull in.
“I don’t know what the problem is, that drink was nice.”
Relief floods through you as your organs remain in their rightful place. Maud passes the stone to Starlight. “Here.”
Starlight taps the rock and your blood freezes as the counsellor goes bright red, eyes bulging. She tries to talk but fails. After a sip of cocoa, she tries again.
“Was that?”
“You, me, Sunburst, Mudbriar and Trixie? Yes it was.”
“That’s, that’s…”
“Something we can arrange. Anon?”
“Yes?”
“Get out.”
“Let me get this straight, you’ll pay fifty bits for my brother and I to cast this spell of unknown origin on you?”
“Is that a problem?”
“Not at all, just making sure we’re all on the same page.”
It had taken the rest of the day to find the Flim Flam brothers, what luck that their latest scheme had taken them past town.
“Thank you very much,” You said the instant you could move your mouth. “I’ll take that and be on my,”
“Come now oh friend of ours, what do you take us for?” Flim asked.
“We insist on testing this before accepting your money.” Flam continued. Before you could grab the crystal, he activated it.
“My word, try this Flim.” You could only watch as the stallion passed your ticket to the golden gates of coladise over to his cold lipped sibling.
“I say! I don’t believe we’ve thought of Applejack that way before!!”
“Indeed not!”
“But a fascinating idea nonetheless.”
“That it is brother, that it is!
“What say we act on this?”
“No time like the present.”
“Goodbye” They said in unison.
“Wait a minute!” You shouted as they started to run towards Sweet Apple acres, leaving their cart behind. “What about the money?”
“Keep it!”
“What about my crystal?”
“We’re keeping it.”
“Why?”
“In case this doesn’t play out!”
You went to bed that night in a foul mood. After a long time tossing and turning, at last, sleep came over you. Sooner than expected you awoke. Only not in your bed, but in a glade at dusk. Perhaps it was the cactus doing cartwheels in the distance, but something told you this was not altogether real.
“Evening Anon, how goes it?”
The stars twinkled as your favourite princess flew down to meet you.
“Been better Lu, had a hell of a day.”
“That will not do, come.” She gestures to a bench that wasn’t there seconds ago. You sit down and Luna curls up next to you, resting her hooves on your lap. “Do tell of your woes.”
“I’m not sure we have the time.”
“Time is a fluid concept here, tell me.”
So you run through the day's events, a phantom pain running along your mouth. Luna listens perplexed and at the conclusion, laughs in your face.
“Oh Anon, why didn’t you come to me to begin with? This is my realm and I can grant certain boons to those I visit. Think about your beloved drink and it will be so.”
You do so and to no surprise an ice cold bottle appears in your hand. Taking a tentative sip, that longed for flavour fills your mouth. But as you chug like it had the antidote in, the hole in your soul remains unfilled.
“It’s no good Lu,” You sigh, vanishing the bottle. “It might taste the same, but in this place, it is but an illusion, a fantasy. I need to make it real. I’ve got to perfect that damn spell!”
“We have some experience with such matters, allow me to try it, maybe I can see what’s wrong.”
“Will that translate to the waking world?”
“I don’t see why not. Show me that parchment you spoke of.”
With a thought, you did so. It was rather pleasant being able to turn thought into action so easily. No wonder Discord enjoyed it so.
“There’s nothing wrong with the theory. Perhaps casting so many little spells in sequence causes some manner of mental strain. I’ll give it a go.”
Luna went through the same motions you’d experienced all day. You watched with bated breath as she took in the new memory, hoping against hope that this would be the one.
“Anon?”
“Yes Lu?”
“You are a cad. This is for showing me such things about myself and my sister,”
She slaps you with the force of a falling mountain.
“And this is for having her in the dominant position. I AM THE ONE WHO DOMINATES!”
Her hoof swings again.
With a groan you wake in your bed, feeling more tired than when you turned in. Rolling over, you pull the covers back over yourself and hope to catch a few more winks before returning fully to this terrible, cokeless world.
Right on cue there came a knocking at the door. Stifling curses, you go to see who dares. Wincing as the sunlight falls into your eyes, you can just make out the shapes of two guards on your doorstep.
“Mr Anon, your presence is required in The Crystal Empire with all due haste.”
“Can I sleep on the train?”
“Certainly sir.”
“Lead on.”
Eight hours later you leave the railway station feeling much better. You might be getting marched straight to the palace, but they haven’t placed you in irons, so things couldn’t be too bad.
“Presenting the human, Anon!”
“Thank you Sergeant, you may go.”
In the throne room of the Crystal Empire sat Princess Cadence and Prince Armor. Cadence waved you forward as the door was shut behind you. The pink alicorn looked rather amused, while her husband was staring daggers at you.
“Welcome Anon, would you be so good as to explain something to me?” Shining Armor spoke through gritted teeth.”
“I will do my best, your highness.”
A small item was floated over to you. It was one of those postcards from a tacky hotel in Las Pegasus. Flipping it over, your heart sinks as you read words in a familiar handwriting. Or horn writing in this case.
“Twilight and Big Mac, have eloped?”
Cadence giggled madly, Shining looked like he’d forgotten about magic and was attempting to set you on fire by will power alone.
“That is how it appears,” The prince continued. “She thanks you for setting them on this path, is there anything you would like to tell me?”
“Yes, well, erm…you see…”
Mercifully you were spared any further questioning as a hole was blown through the wall. Striding in came a unicorn in full war regalia.
“Did you dare think I was gone? That mere death would stop my ambitions! I have returned to claim my rightful,”
“King Sombra! Thank goodness you’re here!”
“Come again?” The tyrant looks up at you in confusion.
“The Lord of Crystals. Master of mind magic. Single minded in your pursuits. If anypony can help, it's you. Please cast this spell on me.”
“If you insist.” Taking a pair of reading glasses from his cape pocket, Sombra read your scroll and with a flick of his horn, summoned a piece of dark crystal into being. The spell completed, he knocked it three times, stared blankly into space for a moment, then fixed you with a perplexed look.
“I, wow. You need help, you know that right?”
“What do you want, Sombra?” Cadence called.
“Right,” He started to walk towards the thrones. “I have come to, you see that is…” His pace was perfectly measured but he couldn’t seem to meet the royal’s eyes anymore.
“To see my wife and I in chains?” Shining asked.
“To seize our fertile valleys?” Cadence chimed in.
“To plunder crystal booty?” A passing guard added.
If the King went any redder he could have been seen from orbit.
“I think I want to go home.” He said quietly.
“Oh no you don’t! Speak your demands so I may refuse them!” Shining roared. “Speak man, speak!”
Taking the last step, Sombra leant forward and whispered something into Cadence’s ear.
“Is that all?” She said. “Well why didn’t you just fill out an application like all the other ponies? Shining and I would be happy to fit you in. I believe we have a few hours free this afternoon.”
You couldn’t see his face but Sombra’s tail was wagging.
“Anon, we don’t know quite how you changed Sombra’s mind. But in light of the war you just prevented, I hereby forbid my husband from murdering you for corrupting his sister.”
“I didn’t corrupt, you know what, I’ll take it.”
“One last thing.”
“Yes, your highness?”
“GET OUT!” All three of them yelled at you.
During the long walk home you began to wonder if you should just settle for a glass of lemonade after all.
You are still Anon, green of hue and cold of feet. That last isn’t a permanent feature, more a result of your quest to bring Cherry Coke to the world of Equestria. Your fool proof plan didn’t survive first contact with the citizens of this world, a failing that falls on them, not you. After being summoned to the Crystal Empire, you were asked to leave minutes later. Despite being the literal rulers of a freaking empire, neither Cadence nor Shining Armor gave you train fare for the journey home, so you had to make a hard choice. You had considered just jumping the barrier and hiding in the toilet carriage, but the mare in the ticket booth had a mean air to her.* You’d taken enough hoof based abuse recently and besides, it was only fifty miles or so back to civilization.
That was hours ago, now night was falling just as fast as the snow around you. Exhausted you fall to your knees and look at the miles of desolate tundra ahead.
“Have you forsaken me Lord? Am I to perish in this blighted place? Is using ponies to get a coke that bad? Send me a sign!” You yell to the heavens.
“Get out the bucking way!” A voice much closer to the mortal coil shouts back.
Looking round, it was with no small amount of shock that you saw what appeared to be a small house barrelling towards you. Jumping back to your feet and taking a few steps to the left, you see a curtained window pass by. Looking on in amazement, an anchor falls off the back porch, digging into the fresh powder. The runaway home begins to slow and the voice sounds again.
“Get in loser! The Kind and Benevolent Trixie doesn’t have all night.”
Jogging over, you see that you were mostly correct. It is a wagon, which is a little house on wheels. But this wagon appears to have deployed a set of large wooden ski’s to more easily traverse the snow. Does that make it more of a vehicle than a house? Regardless of the linguistic technicalities, there’s a blue unicorn leaning out the front door, waving you in. Gratefully you climb in and shut the door behind you.
Inside it’s very snug, even given that it was made for a creature half your size. Many chests sit to either side and there’s a hammock slung by one of the windows. A small pot bubbles over a camping stove and on a tiny folding table you see cards stacked in vertical rows.
“Thank you so much Trixie, I don’t know how much longer I could have gone on out there.” You tell your host genuinely.
“That’s The Great and Powerful Trixie. And The Great and Powerful Trixie does not give free rides. She trusts you have payment?”
“I seem to have left my bits in my other trousers,” You pantomime pat your pockets. “Also “Great and Powerful Trixie”? That’s quite a mouthful, mind if I just call you GAP-T?”
“Trixie does not like this name, it makes her sound too much like a rapper. Trixie will accept just Trixie if you insist. You see that box there?”
Following her hoof, you tap one of the many. “This one?”
“Indeed. Inside you will find two bowls and a spoon. There’s soup in the pot. Fill them both and do the washing up after, Trixie will take this as your fare.”
In no position, nor having any inclination to haggle, you carefully pull the crate out of the stack. Filling two china bowls with a cute star print with the soup, you pass one to Trixie and take the other for yourself. The warmth feels great against your numb fingers. Trixie takes the spoon in her magic and starts to eat. You put your portion on the table and look in the crate, then round the wagon in puzzlement.
“Trixie does not have a second spoon.”
“Oh, ok. Do you not get many visitors?”
“No, Trixie has company when she wishes. There was an incident when she was practising the vanishing cabinet act and forgot to hide the key on her person. Trixie was lucky the spoon had fallen in and used it to tunnel out again. She has been meaning to buy another.”
Some cogs slipped into place in that rust clogged gearbox you call a mind.
“You’re that Trixie? The travelling magician? Yeah, I think I caught your act in Baltimare, real great stuff.”
“The very same,” She smiled at you. “Let Trixie think, six foot tall and green…didn’t we speak at Starlight’s birthday party? Alum isn’t it?”
“Anon actually.” You say carefully. “Did we? After Pinkie brought out the third cider barrel it got a bit hazy. Have you spoken to Starlight lately?”
“Sadly Trixie hasn’t had the pleasure since she left Ponyville last week,” She looks wistfully out the window, completely missing the relief that crosses your own features. “Still, Trixie will be back soon. I’m sure we’ll have a lot to talk about.”
“I dare say so.” You mutter, slurping soup.
“Well then, Trixie says it’s time to get this wagon rolling.” Pulling a lever with her magic, you hear a chain clanking outside. With a small jolt, the wagon begins to slide downhill again. After finishing your meal, Trixie points you to an enchanted basin. Filling it from a water skin, the water instantly heats to a tolerable temperature. You diligently wash up both bowls and Trixie's precious spoon before drying them. Once you’ve thrown the dirty water out the window, you pack everything away and sit down on the floor. Leaning against the boxes, you let your eyes close and sit comfy for a while. You hear the sound of cards being flipped and assume Trixie has gone back to her game.
“Why were you all the way out here?” You’d almost fallen asleep when Trixie asks.
“I’ve had a couple of bad days. I tried to use Equestrian magic to bring a joy from my old world here. It should have just enchanted a memory crystal with a taste I want to recreate. Instead it made ponies want to slap me or tell me to get out. I may have inadvertently set up Twilight and Big Mac in the process. I was called to The Empire to answer to the Prince, when Sombra arrived. Somehow I stopped him from conquering the place and was told to leave. I didn’t have the bits for the train, so I tried walking. It was a poor choice.”
“So Sparkle finally decided to get some. Good for her. Trixie thinks you’re making a mountain of a mole hill though.”
“Do you now?” You crack an eye and look at her. She meets your gaze without a care in the world.
“Yes. So you got slapped and had to walk. Trixie has had a rough few days too.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes, Trixie has. Trixie set out on a grand comeback tour during the school holidays, only to find most of the towns wished she hadn’t come back. As her great and powerful act was still fresh up North and Trixie had business there anyway, she decided to make that her next stop. Imagine her dismay to find that the train that day didn’t have a flatbed car for her wagon. Trixie had to walk there, which as you may have noticed, is uphill. Once there she performed one of her grandest shows to date. Trixie left nothing out. Spending a few hundred bits in materials and making less than a third back in ticket sales.
Then Trixie went to attend her business at the castle only to find that due to a clerical error, somepony else had taken her slot. They won’t be able to see Trixie for months now. So Trixie parked her wagon and tried to sleep. She was awoken by The Vile and Villainous Traffic Warden, who told poor Trixe to move her home immediately or get a hefty ticket. So she hitched her wagon and made to leave town. Still think you’ve got it worse?”
“Alright, we’ll call it a draw.” You smile at her and she reciprocates before letting out a yawn.
“Trixie thinks she will go to bed now. She will find you a blanket.”
“Hang on, if we’re asleep, who’ll be steering this thing?”
“Trixie does not steer her wagon on snow, she points it in the direction she wishes to go and goes.”
“But what if we crash into a mountain in our sleep?”
“Proximity alarm spell. If anything solid or living enters five hundred feet of the wagon, an alarm sounds that is impossible to ignore. You’re not allergic to gunpowder are you?”
“No…”
“Well good night then.” With that, Trixie throws a thick blanket over and climbs into her hammock. She blows out the lamp, leaving you both in near darkness. Wrapping the covering around yourself, you lean back on the boxes again and close your eyes.
A jostling of the carriage wakes you from a dreamless sleep. Looking around in alarm, you see daylight through the curtains and Trixie still dozing in her rocking hammock. Standing up, you look outside and the issue becomes clear. During the night you’ve ridden to the bottom of the mountainside. The snow is much thinner here and the wagon has ground to a halt.
You consider going back to sleep, but a better idea comes to you. Let it not be said that Anon isn’t a good guest. Quietly you search through some of the boxes, finding what you needed, you slip out the door, closing it behind yourself. While not warm by most mercury measures, compared to last night, it’s positively balmy this morning. A green plain with sparse snow glittering under the rising sun stretches out before you. Canterlot Mountain stands tall on the horizon. You swear that just past that, you can see a glint of bluish light coming off the Castle of Friendship.
After admiring the scenery, you set about your task and prime the camping stove. Not long later, you hear the wagon door open behind you and hooves come down the steps.
“There you are, what are you doing Anon?”
“I didn’t want to wake you, so I made breakfast.” You show her the little stack of cakes you’ve prepared. Her eyes go wide and you see her take an exploratory sniff.
“Pancakes, with little bits of hay bacon mixed into the batter,” You explain, handing over the plate. “We make something similar back home, I hope you like it.”
Levitating a fork, she takes a small bite, then shovels the rest of the first cake into her mouth. After the second, she pauses to say. “Trixie finds these agreeable.” After the fourth, she pauses again, first for air, then to ask, “Are you not having any?”.
“No. I tried that hay stuff once, it’s not for humans,” You shrug. “I made a few plain ones while you were asleep, wanted to make sure I could remember the recipe right.”
“You are very thoughtful, for a human that is.” Trixie says earnestly before finishing her stack. Once she’s done licking the plate, you take it and start cleaning the dishes. While you’re scrubbing, Trixie goes back into the wagon and you hear stuff being moved around. When she reappears, Trixie has a map in her mouth. Standing next to you, she opens it with her magic and floats it up to your eye level.
“We’re here see,” A cartoonish drawing of a wagon, a stick pony and a stick human appears, floating around the base of the Crystal Mountains. “Trixie intends to head East towards Manehatten.” A green arrow points towards the coast. “You are welcome to come with her, or you can walk South back to Ponyville.” A red arrow signals the way.
“Thanks Trixie, but I’ve taken enough of your time. Besides, you know what that town is like. If I’m not there to defend my property, I'll probably come home to find an extra large gobbledegoo has left the Everfree and destroyed my house or something.”
She laughs. “Trixie understands all too well. Take care Anon and maybe come visit up at the school sometime.”
“You got it, Great and Powerful one.”
She sticks her tongue out playfully and you return the gesture. Happily you pack the breakfast things away again and help Trixie take the ski’s off the wagon. As she climbs into the harness to pull away, you start to walk then turn back.
“Could I ask for two quick favours before I go?”
“Trixie is listening.”
You pull the scroll out of your pocket and show it to her. “Would you cast this spell and promise not to slap me afterwards?”
“Consider Trixie intrigued. She agrees to your conditions.” Flicking her horn at the wagon, a piece of crystal floats out. You note with some amusement that it appears to be an ashtray with the Crystal Empire sigil stamped into it. You go rigid as your custom spell kicks in, regaining control precisely ten seconds later.
“So what exactly was that meant to do?”
“If performed correctly, one of my memories is now in that crystal. Tap it three times and you’ll get to see it. I’d prefer that you not.”
“Oh no?” She asks coyly. “Well Trixie wants to see what all the other mares have.”
Her hoof connected with the crystal thrice and a strand of lightning runs up her leg and in her ear.
“Trixie likes the tickly bubble drink but is unamused by this unlicensed likeness of her. She will not let you share it with the public.” She said dryly. “Explain this silliness!”
“What did you see?” You ask, mentally preparing to run. She’s strapped to the wagon, so as long as you can make a break before she telekinetically grabs you, you should be alright.
“On your box, thingy. The one with the yellowing plastic frame and the vents on top. There is an image of Trixie in some kind of fire station, except she can’t see any water wagons. Trixie appears to be sliding down the fire pole and has accidently swung in midair. There also appears to be a group of stallions cheering and throwing bits at Trixie! How utterly ridiculous, as if grown stallions would pay to see such a thing.”
……..
“Why are you staring at Trixie like that?”
“N-no reason. As you say, it’s…clearly nonsense.”
“Quite, Trixie is beginning to think you humans are a strange breed. Farewell Anon.”
“Goodbye Trixie, safe trip.” You wave cheerily and start to make your way South.
*As it happened, Mrs Stamp was a perfectly nice mare and would have been understanding of Anon’s situation. He simply had the misfortune of looking at her before she’d had her coffee. Even in Equestria, those who deal with the public rarely look their best before a shot of bean nectar.
As the sun reached its zenith, you took stock of the situation. You’d walked all morning and while Canterlot looked closer, you reckoned you wouldn’t make it before night. You were also getting hungry again. No doubt the natives could have made a twelve course banquet out of the sparse vegetation around, but sadly there was nothing for you.
Making an executive decision, you swing to the West and make for the nearby woods. You figure the chances of finding food there were much better and could sleep under cover if needed.
By afternoon you entered the forest, stumbling through the wild growth. Once you got in a way, you stopped and listened. There were no growls or snapping of twigs, but you could hear birdsong. That boded well, birds needed to eat, rarely on humans too. You headed towards the tweeting. You really hoped to find a fruit tree. If push came to shove, you’d tap your inner Ray Mears and find some insects for dinner, but you really hoped it didn’t come to that. The indignity aside, everything here seemed to have an above Earth level of sentience. Your guilt would be compounded by the likelihood of your scarfing down some rare critter only to get a reprimanding from Fluttershy after you got back home.
Your instincts serve you well as an hour later, you found a thick patch of brambles. Happily you begin picking blackberries for dinner. Sitting with your back to a tree, watching the sunlight dance down through the leaves, you enjoy nature's bounty and reflect. The last two days had not gone at all to your plan, but if it moved you to a scene like this, then it was worth it in the end.
Having had your fill, you leave a small pile of berries at the base of the tree for whoever wanted them. You could have gotten back out and onto the road before dark, but the urge to spend a night under the canopy was irresistible. Picking a random direction, you walk calmly. If you found a patch of grass to sleep on then that was grand, if not then you would lean on a tree for the evening.
As darkness fell, you knew you’d have to stop soon. It looked like the trees thinned up ahead, so you went that way. Rounding a gnarled old oak, you took a step, and your foot went through the floor. With a manly yelp*, you fall through a leaf strewn frame of sticks and into a pit. The bottom rushes up to meet you and a sharp pain runs through your head as it hits the wall. The world goes woozy and before it all goes black, you see a pair of eyes in the gloom.
“What’s this? A spy caught off his guard?” A female voice asked, summoning a chorus of grim chuckles as the world swims around you. As you groan, your view resolves into a set of dark legs with holes in them. Rising to your knees, you look up into the eyes of a familiar queen. You’d last seen her getting the Team Rocket treatment at the wedding. Apparently she’d been defeated again by a ragtag group of heroes some years later, but you’d been in the San Palomino desert for the Burning Pony festival at the time.
“Did you think you could just walk into my home unopposed, foolish pony lover.” Chrysalis taunted, walking around you. Judging by the stone walls, scattered with glowing mushrooms, you were in a cave or underground. Along with the queen were a few dozen unreformed Changelings, sneering at you.
“I am no spy!” You call defiantly. You try to stand, but a hoof presses down on your back, keeping you to the floor.
“Lies!” The queen spits to a round of laughs from her cronies. “I found this in your pockets, a crude memory extraction spell. It’s pitiful how hard ponies have to try to copy our natural talents.”
“Ok, yes, that looks bad. But you can literally sense emotions. You know I speak the truth.”
“Look at me, human.” Chrysalis demands, the hoof on your back lifting. You stand to your full height. You easily have a foot on the queen, but that just means the point of her crooked horn is at your throat. “Tell me your “truth” and I will judge it for myself.”
“I am no spy,” You say as calmly as you can, looking her in the eye. “I have no magic and couldn’t cast that spell if my life depended on it.”
“Then why do you have it?”
“It’s a creation of mine, an attempt to move a flavour from my mind to someone else's. I just want a coke, that’s all. I wasn’t even looking for you, I was walking in the forest.”
Chrysalis’s tongue flickers snakelike. “Interesting, you are being honest, at least in part. There’s something more. I sense your desperation that I not cast this spell myself. I can taste hints of regret, shame, even…lust. Curious, but not unexpected when confronted by perfection incarnate. Seize him.”
Two Changelings rear up and come down hard on your shoulders, forcing you to your knees again.
“Show me what you try to hide human, let me see for myself why you fear your own spell. Let me taste your memories!” She ends her mini monologue by opening her mouth wide and inhaling. A stream of green magic flows from your face and the queen eagerly devours it. At least at first. It only takes a few seconds before the connection breaks as Chrysalis falls to the ground clutching her head, her brood following suit.
“DAMNED HIVE MIND, IT’S IN MY HEAD!” One drone wails.
“IT’S IN ALL OUR HEADS!” Another wails back.
“Changeling’s don’t bend that way!” A third adds.
“And our wings definitely can’t do that, can they?” A fourth ponders.
As the rest of the group vocally question whatever it is they are seeing, one voice rises above them all.
“Why are there so many of me and Celestia?” Chrysalis laments.
Seeing them so, you try to make a break for it. To no avail. You barely make it ten yards before you’re seized in a green glow. Being pulled back, Chrysalis stares at you in a mixture of anger and fear.
“Just what is wrong with you?” She shouts in your face. “How can such a mind exist, let alone function?”
“I thought you of all creatures would appreciate that sort of thing…” You mumble.
“A-Appreciate?” She stutters, distinctly pink in the facial chitin. “What in Equestria would give you that impression!”
“I dunno, I mean you replace ponies' spouses and feed on them…”
“We feed on love you dolt! Give them a hug and a little peck on the forehead, that sort of thing. Not this filth! And stop that at once, I can sense it!”
“What did I do now?”
“Stopping thinking I look cute when I’m flustered. I’m an evil queen. Evil queens are cunning and diabolical, not cute. Tell him drone!”
“Permission to lie about her highness?” A changeling asked sincerely.
“Permission gran…wait you do think I look cute?”
“Well, yes your majesty. As you teach us, you are perfect in all things.”
“Loyal as that is, don’t agree with the prisoner! And you, be very careful about the next thought to cross your mind!”
……………….
“In leather?!” She roars. “The pods are too good for you! Every ‘ling! Form an orderly line, he’s not leaving without getting what’s coming to him!”
37 minutes later, Chrysalis throws you out of a cave mouth hidden behind some ivy. You land in a heap on the floor and don’t bother trying to move yet. There’s no broken bones, but your face is swollen and your very soul is probably bruised.
“And stay out!”
*Maybe by Equestrian standards, a few octaves too high for human standards.
Reality returns and it is uncomfortable. After the relief of passing out for a short time, you force some steel into your legs and stumble away from the hive. You go at a slow pace in the dark forest, hands outstretched to feel round the trees. Making it to the edge, you walk across open ground under starlight peeking round the clouds. You consider shouting up just in case some pegasus are moving the weather above you, but mere breathing is making your jaw click. You just keep moving in the direction you hope home is. Eventually the world goes black again.
A new pain brings you back into the light. Literally. Groaning, you open your eyes to find yourself in another wooded area. The dawn sun is filtering down through thick canopy. Panicked, you realise you must have walked through the night, mostly on autopilot. A sharp prod to your sensitive ribs motivates you to try and rise. Forcing your feet underneath you again, you look round to see a little pony of the striped variety wielding a stick.
“So you are not dead, could have fooled me, with the state of your head. Seems you have taken quite a tap, but the Everfree is no place to nap.”
“Zecora?” You try to smile as best you can. “Am I glad to see you.”
“I wonder what brought you to this state, but an explanation will have to wait. That blood will act as bait, follow me, to avoid a dreadful fate.”
“Lead on Macduff.”
The local zebra leads you through the forest, pausing occasionally to gather herbs into her satchel. Reaching her tree house, you hobble inside and collapse down by the cauldron. Zecora shuts the door behind herself and starts looking over potion bottles.
“Lucky for you I’m an early riser, if a bugbear passed, you’d be none the wiser. This tonic makes ponies good as new, I hope it works on humans too.”
Frankly, you didn’t care if it gave you rickets at this point. Gladly taking the vial, you pop the cork and drain it down. The taste is nothing to celebrate, however you can now see properly again as your face returns to its normal configuration. No longer feeling like you lost a fight with a steamroller, you sit up and give Zecora a hug.
“Thank you so much, I had a terrible night.”
“Tell me what troubles you, while I set some tea to brew.”
Releasing her, Zecora fetches a jar and pulls out some leaves. While she grinds them up, you try to think of the best way to put it.
“I tried to use magic to get the flavour of a drink I love out of my mind so I could get it recreated here. It led me to the Empire and back, before getting pummelled by outraged changelings. I think I know now where it’s all been going wrong. Seems whenever it’s cast, the caster also gets a copy of a time I was looking at them, in a, shall we say, indecent light?”
Zecora smirks at you and pours the finely powdered tea into a pot of boiling water.
“I never knew you were such a lewd creature. How many times have I featured?”
Blood rushes through restored vessels, you go bright red.
“Relax Anon, I only tease. So you’ve been outed as a sleaze? Spells can backfire if you don’t think, was it worth it for a drink?”
Placing your head in your hands, you sigh. “If I’d gotten a coke out of all this, then maybe. But no creature let me keep the memory crystal afterwards. This has all been a total bust.”
“So this drink comes from your home, the place where humans roam? There might yet be a way, with a less painful price to pay.”
You look up to see if she’s joking, but Zecora seems completely serious.
“How is that possible?”
“I’ve heard of a mare on two legs, by the name of Shimmer. You can reach her through the mirror. In the castle is one most unique, maybe there, you’ll find what you seek.”
“Of course! How could I forget about Canterlot High? Zecora, you’re a genius! I’m going to the human horse world and I’m bringing back a crate for you as well!”
Fresh energy pounding through you, you leap to your feet and rush out the door. As you sprint through the Everfree towards Ponyville, Zecora shuts the door and muses to herself.
“Some mares get their kicks chewing gum. I’d much rather be swallowing, oh my tea is done.”
Running as fast as your legs and lungs will allow, you careen through the early morning traffic. Dodging round cart loads of produce headed to the market, you ignore the stunned ponies and keep moving. As the Castle of Friendship draws ever closer, you feel the ground tremor beneath your feet. Let the locals look round in shock, it was of no consequence to you if Tirek himself had come back right now, the quest was nearly at an end.
It was fitting that your journey started here and here it would finish. Bolting through the corridors, you do the sensible thing when traversing an unfamiliar building at speed. Rather than actively trying to find the mirror room, instead you try to find a bathroom. Inevitably four corridors, a six way junction and many stairs later, you throw open a door and there is the portal.
Examining the device, you locate the journal and quickly penned a new entry.
Hey Sunset, need to grab some things from your side. Meet me ASAP and bring transport! Anon.
With that done, you take a deep breath and jump into the shimmering surface.
“AAARRGGHHH!”
This was so much worse than your first dimension jump. That was more of an instant “poof” from A to B. Now you were falling down a limbo tunnel, time and space mere suggestions in this place. After an unknowable instance, you pop out the other end and collapse facedown into a heap.
Collecting your wits, it dawns that you can’t feel your hands. Also the world seems to be coming to you in far greater detail than usual. Even with your face in the concrete, you can track all the people nearby. Their footsteps clear and loud, the idling cars on the street sounding like dragsters about to take off.
Sitting up, your fears are confirmed. Your arm no longer terminate in useful digits, but a soft hoof. Feeling around your head reveals a snout, big eyes and huge fluffy ears. Finally you glance behind yourself, seeing a short tail and a black question mark on your arse.
“Anon? That you?”
Turning, you see Sunset Shimmer has pulled up in her car, looking at you in confusion. You fix her with a death glare*.
“No, I’m Louis the fourteenth! What happened to me?” Thankfully your voice was the same.
“I’m not sure,” She says, getting out and joining you. “I guess the mirror got confused with a human travelling through from the pony side. How do you feel?”
“Not bad,” You begrudgingly admit. “Hate not having hands, but my eyesight has never been better. This form has its charms, hang on a sec…”
You glance down between your legs and give your hips a sway.
“Hey, what gives? I can feel an improvement down there, but I can’t see anything!”
“Oh that’s just the modesty magic. Part of the harmony magic package. That whole, area, only becomes visible in times of need.”
“You ponies never cease to amaze me. Doesn’t matter, I’ll only be here a short while. Just need to go to the supermarket.”
“What’s wrong with the markets back home?” Sunset asks as you try and fail to open the car door with a hoof. Gripping the handle in your teeth, angling your head up and walking backwards does the trick. You hop into the passenger seat, only to realise the issue seat belts poses to your thumbless self.
“They don’t have what I want there.” You look expectantly as her and Sunset chuckles as she spots your dilemma. Reaching over, she seals the belt around your belly and shuts the door for you.
“You know, I haven’t heard you say please once all this time.” She notes, getting in her side and starting the engine.
“Pretty please, drive me to the bucking supermarket! Wait, bucking? I meant to say buck. Shoot! Don’t tell me “modesty magic” affects speech too?”
Sunset gives you a sugar eating grin as a response.
“Oh fiddlesticks.”
As she drives, you rest your head on the window sill. Is it still a sill in a car or an armrest? You shelve that thought till you can talk to Twilight about it, she’ll know. Watching the world pass by, you think about the lack of homesickness. You’d thought that seeing humans again would give you pangs for the old world. But it doesn’t. Maybe Equestria is truly becoming your home after all these years.
Pulling into the carpark, Sunset parks and lets you out. You trot over to a trolley and attempt to push it. Resting your head on the basket, you can move it forwards, but steering is out of the question. Sighing, you look back to Sunset and she takes it for you. With palpable giddiness you take off into the shop.
A few people look round as a little green pony runs by, then go back to their business. Charging down the central lane, you slam on the front brakes, reaching the drinks aisle.
Shimmer catches up a few seconds later. She comes round the corner to see Anon sat on the floor, his jaw dropped in disbelief and a thousand yard stare. Bending down, she snaps her fingers in front of his face a few times. Eventually, he turns to look at her.
“What the hay is this!”
“Fizzy drinks?”
“NO! Well, yes I guess. I mean, what is this selection meant to be? “Cola” brand cola! Funta! Popsi Max! Steel Ferment! Chiropractor’s Salt! Is this some kind of sick joke?”
“That’s just what they sell here Anon,” Sunset says with concern in her voice. “There’s another shop across town that sells Lemon Spite, if that’s what you want.”
“I should have known.” You moan, feeling the life drain from your body. “Bloody Hasbro cheaped out on the licensing just to screw with me!”
“I don’t follow.”
“Nevermind. Lets just grab a bottle of Summery E and get out of here.”
Sitting outside, you sip your orange drink while Sunset commiserates with you. Truly no man hath felt greater sorrow. Holding back the tears, a final saving grace comes to you.
“You have burgers in this world right?” You choke out. “Real burgers, made of meat and fat?”
“Of course, we’ve got the fast kind and the ones you eat with a fork.”
“Praise be. Take me there, please. I’m begging you.”
“I could, but you wouldn’t like it. Not with that tongue.” Sunset says gently, giving you a hug.
With as much dignity as you can muster, you weep into her shoulder.
“Please just take me home.” You manage between sobs.
“Ok buddy.” She picks you gently and carries you to the car.
By the time you get back to the statue, you’ve calmed down considerably. Standing by the portal, you offer your hoof to Sunset and get a bump.
“Are you going to be good Anon?”
“In time. Thanks for everything Sunset. You want to pop over for a bit, sure Starlight would be happy to see you.”
“Not tonight, Treehugger’s got a fresh batch of the sticky and it’s Fluttershy’s turn to host the bacchanal. Why don’t you come by, raise your spirits?”
You laugh heartily. “Thanks Sunset, I needed that. Have fun watching movies or whatever it is you’re really doing. Bye now.”
Waving goodbye, you step into the statue and vanish from this world. Sunset reaches into her pocket and pulls out a phone. Tapping in the digits, she holds it to her ear.
“Bad news Shy, he didn’t go for it.”
*Your best attempt, which left no impact. Due to their innate cuteness, it takes most ponies years of daily training to achieve even a half hearted death glare.
Back in Equestria, at the highest tower of the castle, sits Anon. Resting with your feet dangling over the balcony, you watch the sunset and try to think up a new plan.
“There you are,” A motherly voice calls. “Just what have you been playing at?”
A white alicorn with a rainbow mane flies down.
“Celestia.” You nod your head in respect. “You’ll have to be more specific.”
“Very well then.” She joins you, perching on the railing.
“The other morning I awoke, lifted the sun and went to join my sister for our only shared meal of the day. Imagine my surprise to find her wearing a codpiece that would make a minotaur blush. When I asked why she would do such a thing, she replied, “To assert dominance”. This was perfectly right and natural in her eyes, and she would not be convinced otherwise. Stop laughing Anon, that isn’t funny.”
“No?” You ask, grinning happily.
“Well maybe a little, it’s still not a good look for a princess though.” Celestia admits with a smile of her own.
“Anyway, my surprise turned to shock when I read this morning's letters. Seems my fellow princess, who formerly was only interested in study and friendship, ran off to Las Pegasus and married a bumpkin. I learned this, not from overjoyed family members, but from a hotel manager. He asked if I could have a word with Twilight and get her to “calm it down a bit”. Apparently the only time the chandeliers on the floor below have stopped shaking since she got there was when the newlyweds ordered room service. An order, he notes, for two hayburger meals with apple fritters and a dozen cans of whipped cream.
I’d scarcely recovered from this news when I read the letter from Cadence. She wrote to inform me that Sombra died again last night, this time possibly for good. Seems that he did have a heart after all and it finally gave out. Included was a sketch of a statue she plans to have built in honour of the occasion. A statue of the king sitting up in bed, cross eyed, smoking a cigarette.
Understandably shaken, I went to hold day court. And who should be the first in line but Granny Smith. She talked my ear off for nearly two hours about the youth of today and how inconsiderate they are. Seems that almost no work will get done on the farm for the foreseeable future. In part due to Big Mac’s sudden departure and to Applejack unexpectedly going on a date last night. Apparently she was fast asleep when Granny started breakfast and still hadn’t awoken when she decided to pay me a visit. This was attributed to, how did she put it?”
Celestia hunched her back and did a fair impression of the Apple Matron. “Taking a ploughing, of vigour not witnessed since the Young Farmers Competition of ‘47.”
Returning to her normal voice, Celestia continued. “After that, things got back to normal and I dared to believe that was the end of it. That illusion was shattered when I was awoken this morning by the alarm bell and the sounds of my guard moving into defensive positions. A scout came to my chambers and informed me that Chrysalis had returned.
I donned my armour and made ready for war. Only to find the queen patiently waiting for me in the courtyard with flowers. Apparently she’s been unable to get me out of her mind since meeting you and asked if I wanted to “make a bad romance?”. We’re having dinner next week.”
“Sounds nice, peace between nations and all that.”
“Be quiet Anon,” She blushed. “I’ve not finished yet. Next came the report from the police chief of Manehattan. He’d arrested Trixie after her newest show had led to three houses and a lemonade stand burning down unattended. Your name was the only common factor in all this weirdness. So I came to Ponyville to find you had vanished. I asked some of your friends if they knew where you were. Most simply had no idea. Rarity had a few things to say, things that I shan’t repeat in decent company. Then the earthquake hit.
An unscheduled earthquake, something that hasn’t happened in my living memory. I summoned a team of geologists with all haste and set them to finding the cause. They returned hours later, sweaty and dishevelled. They reported that the cause was Maud Pie striking a cave wall in the throes of passion. They added that they made sure that she moved the bed further away and that she, and her friends, were very welcoming to them.
So, with all that said, just what have you been doing Anonymous?”
At the full name, you wipe the smile off your face.
“I just wanted a home comfort. How was I to know that trying to recreate coke would lead to all this?”
“Is that your defence?”
“What else can I say? All I wanted was a can of sugary goodness.”
“Very well, then I can see only one course of justice.”
Her horn glows with golden magic. With a pop, Discord appears in front of you both. At least you assume it’s Discord. He has his back to you, and is covered head to hoof in black latex.
“I’m ready for my punishment mistress FluttESTIA?”
Yelping the last word, Discord jumps clean out the suit through an eye hole, letting it fall to the ground like a shed skin.
“I told you that the summoning spell was for emergencies only! What were you thinking, you stupid,”
“Language!” Celestia barked at him. “My tolerance has its limits.”
“What happened to modesty magic?”
Discord rolls his eyes at you. “I’m a creature of disharmony. I can swear all I want. Damn it.”
“Discord, give Anon his coke and we can all go home.”
“Absolutely not. I already told him no and this little stunt has done nothing to change my mind.”
“Discord,” Celestia sighs. “Anon’s desire, for a drink of all things, has done more to upset the balance of harmony than you could in a month. Give him what he wants or I’ll make him the new Lord of Chaos and demote you to junior intern.”
“Really?” With a snap of his claw, Discord conjures a chaosometer and points it at you. His eyebrows jump off his face as the needle swings straight into the red.
“I’m honestly a little impressed with you human. Very well, have your reward.”
Gesturing at the balcony floor, a machine rises out of it. A machine with red and white branding on the sides and a number of taps on the front. Picking up a glass, you hold it under the nozzle and pour out a measure. Tentatively, you take a sip.
It was everything you wanted. Perfectly chilled, the liquid washes over your tongue, bringing the delightful balance of cherry and cola. Bubbles pop, further titillating your senses. It was, it was….
Your eyes go wide and your body begins to shake. The glass falls from your hand as the crystal floor beneath you splintered.
“Discord!” You growl.
He jumps behind Celestia and uses her as a shield. “Keep him away from me, he’s rabid!”
“Anon, just what is the matter now?”
Your aura explodes outward in a pillar of white light, the castle shaking as a power you didn’t know existed flows out from you. Fuelled by purest rage, you lock eyes with Discord and all of Ponyville hears your proclamation.
