Stories for This Post

Dare of the Storm - Saberking2012

They Shall Not Grow Old - Stellar_

Total word count: 6,084

Tags: Equestria Girls, Sad, Slice of Life, Sweetie Belle, Rarity (EqG)

Word Count: 2,373

Okay, a Sweetie Belle-centered story, I like to read these.

The morning comes shining its way into Equestria. Sweetie Belle has the flu.

Sweetie's inner thoughts then generously explain the events that took place the night before.

She and her friends played Truth or Dare. Scootaloo had dared Sweetie to run out into the rain. Because of this, Sweetie Belle had gotten sick.

She declines breakfast and Rarity suggests that Sweetie stays home, she does.

A few hours later, she talks to Rarity about numerous things: Sweetie's friends, a trip to a beach. And here is where things take a turn.

After talking about some notable events in her childhood, Sweetie thinks about the future, her future.

Rarity assures Sweetie that everything will be fine, as long as you don't lose your motivation in life.

I really like the story in general, it shows how much Sweetie and Rarity love and care for each other. It just makes you feel good.

I had a problem with Rarity's dialogue, she doesn't sound like Rarity. If anything, she sounded… bland. There isn't a single "dahling", it seemed like she was making conversation just because she had to, again, my opinion.

Also, 13 seems a little too early for someone to start thinking about the future, don't you think?

Other than the things I've listed above, there really isn't anything wrong with this story.

This is my thought whenever I read a short story, "Why wasn't it written longer?!"

Here is my thought whenever I read a story that isn't in chronically order, "Why isn't it?" The best genre to do this is Mystery, in my opinion.

There are areas that could be improved, like character description, I try to have the characters describe each other, like "Wow, you sure have messy hair." or "You aren't looking too good, (insert character name here). Have you been eating/sleeping/out drinking?"

Exposition can be tricky, but if you know how to do it just right, the story actually reads like a story. If you do not know what exposition is, here's a definition: 

"Exposition is a literary device used to introduce background information about events, settings, characters, or other elements of a work to the audience or readers."

Dialogue, in my opinion, isn't a good way to do it. I prefer to let the events unfold, much easier that way.

I give this story a 7.5/10 for Characters,

7.5/10 for Character Accuracy,

7.5/10 for Style,

And, a 6/10 for the Plot.

Total Score: 28.5/40

Final Score: 7.5/10

If you want to feel good about your siblings, then you'd definitely want to read this. -D

Tags: MLP: FiM, Alt. Universe, Celestia

Word Count: 1,519

Alright, an Equestria at War story, these types of stories are some of my favourites to read.

The story starts with painting the landscape, poppies covered the ground, as did graves.

The next paragraphs focus on two ponies. Making their way to a destination.

On the way, the pony who served in the war tells about his past.

It ends with the other pony being revealed as Princess Celestia, and the other dropping off a wreath and they return to where the came from.

It was very short.

I really liked how I pictured the field in my head, but the descriptions lacked heavily on showing.

The biggest downside to this story is that it's just one giant info dump.

The pacing was good, no whiplash. After all, it was only two ponies walking and talking.

I feel this story should've been set mostly during the war and ending with this chapter. That would have been a greater story. It probably would've even got a 10/10.

I understand that this story was a side story, but you know, it would be a very good one if it was a giant one.

I give this story a 8/10 for Characters,

9/10 for Character Accuracy,

6/10 for Style,

And, a 5/10 for the Plot.

Total Score: 28/40

Overall, it would've been a better story if it were written longer. 7/10

I personally like longer stories, so please don't see this as an attack. -D

My Reviews

(Review) The Creation of My Little Pony - Written by BradyBunch

ArthurPaige's Reviews (№2) 

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6956643
Thanks for the review!

The parts you pointed out are valid and constructive. I do wish to point out two things. A)I'm aware Rarity isn't... well, her but I've always found it forced whenever I wrote it(darling). I know it's a part of her character but I can't ever find myself to write it because a part of me cringes when I do so. Its more a me thing so...

B)As for why it wasnt longer is a criticism I've been getting for years(not with just this story but with all of them). I've since tried to write more and not make them one shots. A little difficult due to a lack of finding a good editor and keeping people's attention. My more recent stories have imporved although it's not easy.

Nevertheless, I'm happy you reviewed my story and thankful for the review.