The changeling hive was dark, wet and smelly.
A single changeling hesitantly trotted through it, having just been called by his queen for a reason he didn’t know. All he knew was that it was urgent.
It probably had something to do with the failed attempt at taking over Equestria just a few days prior. His flank still hurt from being thrown out by that love-shield-thing. Luckily, it hadn’t taken the changelings long to regroup after that, but the damage was already done.
He scurried on to the throne room where Queen Chrysalis sat. She didn’t look very pleased.
“Ah, you must be number 37 of the royal guard,” the queen said, more a statement than a question.
Changelings didn’t have names; they merely had a number and an occupation. He was number 37 of the queen’s royal guard, the very last number. Coincidentally, he was also ranked number 37.
He nodded meekly. “Yes, my queen.”
“Do you know why I called you here?” Queen Chrysalis stood up from her throne, which looked more like a glorified pile of rocks to the little changeling, and paced about.
“No, my queen.”
“It’s because you’re to blame for our failure in Canterlot,” she stated matter-of-factly.
He was silent for a few seconds. “Huh?” he sputtered out. “B-but, I was on guard, the only ponies I let through were those six Element-y types, and you told us they weren’t worth bothering!”
“Exactly. One of them helped the pink princess, one of those foalish lovebirds, escape, and you didn’t do anything about it. What do you have to say for yourself?” The Queen stopped pacing about and cast a short glance at him.
He was cowering like a little hatchling; being called by the queen herself because you made a mistake meant you were going to get some severe punishment. Even if it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t even do anything, he thought, it’s your fault as well. He was about to voice his thoughts, but reminded himself that Queen Chrysalis probably had enough power to flatten him like a pancake. Or worse. “I didn’t... I mean, I was just... uh.” He tried fumbling his way to a presentable excuse, but he couldn’t come up with anything.
The tall and slender queen raised a brow. “Nothing?” She raised a hoof and cast a bored look through its holes. “Then I suppose you will require punishment.”
The changeling flinched, but didn’t say anything.
She sat down on her throne again. “For disrupting our efforts to take over Equestria, and thus taking away a great source of nourishment for the entire hive, you are hereby banished.” She stated shortly.
“Banished?!” He cried out. “That’s...” he wanted to say impossible, but being the queen of all changelings, she probably had the power to throw him out of the hive. Figuratively or literally. “I’m sorry! It wasn’t my fault! I’ll do better next time, I promise, just please give me another chance!”
The queen tsked. “A traitor, reduced to pleading? How sad. Any last words before you leave?”
He sat frozen. He couldn’t think of anything. Nor did he particularly want to move from that spot.
“Very well then, I’ll throw you out myself.”
Before he could react, he was picked up in queen Chrysalis’ magical grip, and hoisted out of the cave. On the way out, several changelings stared at him, some waved at him and some snickered.
As he was levitated out of the hive, he pondered what he would do. He didn’t have the foggiest idea. After he got set down, he’d probably find some place nearby the hive to live, in case they wanted him back.
However, that plan was cut short, as for the second time in a few days, he was flung through the air, towards an unknown destination. Apparently, the queen wanted him far away.
Very, very far away, he noticed as he hurtled through the sky. He saw a forest pass by below him, followed by some grasslands, then a village, a lake and so on. He was vaguely aware of some loud noise.
Oh yeah, he was screaming. That sort of happened when involuntarily flying at high speeds, he remembered.
After a while, he had to stop screaming, in part because he was out of breath, in part because his throat was becoming as dry as sandpaper. Luckily, he had started to slow down and lose altitude a bit.
Well, that was depending on his definition of lucky; he was still going pretty fast, and he saw some mountains coming up in the distance. He hoped fervently that he wouldn’t hit them. High-speed projectiles and hard walls didn’t mix very well.
He was getting closer to the ground now. He seemed to be heading straight for some wild-looking forest, which seemed excellent. There were enough trees and bushes to cushion his fall, so he wouldn’t have too many injuries. He swore he could even see a small village nearby.
He was going at a fairly manageable speed now, and was within a hoof’s reach of the trees. He grabbed one, and with more whiplash than he would have liked, managed to get a branch through one of the holes in his hooves.
Sometimes, great changeling philosophers and biologists pondered the seemingly useless holes in the legs of changelings.
Now he knew; they were excellent for hanging onto branches. It was just too bad he didn’t have a way to let go of the branch.
He fidgeted around, but found he couldn’t dislodge the branch from his hoof. “Uh, someling help? I’m kind of stuck here,” he said to the empty forest while dangling from the branch.
There wasn’t a living thing in sight. Would there even be animals in a forest like this? Maybe there were predators. He panicked as he realized he probably shouldn’t have called out. There probably weren’t changelings around here. The only things that would come to this forest were fierce predators, who would see him as a tasty piñata, and ponies, who would see him as a piñata to take some sweet revenge on.
He swung himself about, trying to get his hoof off of the branch it was stuck on. As he stopped to catch his breath, he could hear a sound from above... A grumble? The beginning of a roar?
It sounded suspiciously like cracking wood. He cast a glance up and saw the branch breaking off right where he held onto it. “Oh, crud,” was all he managed to say before the branch broke, sending him hurtling through the air once more.
This time, however, it took him only a short time to reach safe ground, although not before he had managed to fall headfirst due to his flailing. He hit the ground with a hard thud, taking some dirt with him.
He dizzily stood up and stumbled about a bit, his eyes rolling in their sockets. He could see stars. Was it night? No, it was only morning. Maybe afternoon. Silly #37, there aren’t any stars during the day, he thought to himself. He shook the dizziness off him, and spat out the huge clump of dirt that had apparently collected in his mouth.
Surrounding him were trees, bushes, a few flowers, and other things that couldn’t talk, or feel, or communicate otherwise.
He let out a short sigh. “What am I going to do now?” Having few other options aside from ‘Sit here and starve’, he decided to walk in the direction of the little village he had seen. With some luck, he could find some unsuspecting pony couple to feed on.
He was, after all, a changeling. They only took love to survive, and they could eat other foods, but those wouldn’t satisfy. He remembered sneaking away a slice of cake at the royal wedding. It was delicious, even though it didn’t still his hunger.
He found himself thinking about the queen’s accusation. It couldn’t have been his fault that she failed in her plan to take over Equestria. While those ponies had been doing whatever it was that made them win, the queen had been busy gloating about her ‘victory’.
He snorted. Stupid ponies. Stupid wedding. Stupid queen. “We’ll defeat you with the power of love, because we’re namby-pamby ponies, whee!” he mused in a high-pitched voice. “How ridiculous,” he continued in a deeper, somewhat feminine voice, “I’m going to let you continue what you’re doing because I’m stupid.”
At least mocking those ponies and his queen-- ex-queen, he realized, since he was thrown out of the hive-- made him feel a little better.
It wasn’t long before he made it out of the forest. The walk had been easy and calm, but he certainly didn’t want to go through the same forest at night. Not that he was afraid of the dark or anything. He was an incredibly brave changeling, so what if he was a bit jumpy?
He had arrived at a stream of water at the edge of the forest. A little bit ahead was a bridge, and on the other side, lo and behold, a village.
“Excellent,” he muttered to himself, licking his lips. “Now I just need a disguise...”
I couldn't see any major problems or grammar errors. (mainly because I'm not that good at spotting grammar errors. Oh well.) I think I'm going to enjoy to see where this goes, and as a first fic, this is good! Tracking and thumbing up. You're off to a good start on this one.
Yay, a new fic to look at.
This is a great beginning. And is has a lot of humor on the Changeling's perspective. Nice job so far!
So yesterday, I was looking at my FiMFiction account during my break. I noticed this was uploaded, but not submitted yet. I thought, eh, why not, it's not like people would actually be interested in this.
The next day, I see an email that this was approved. I check FiMFiction...
majhost.com/gallery/fatys/stuff/mother_of_god.png
My God, it's full of stars! Favorites, comments, thumbs up, holy moly! Not a single bit of negative feedback!
Thanks everyone! I never even thought so many people would want to read what I wrote. Guess I have to continue writing this now.
Interesting i like it
More? now? please?
"so he could feed of it’s lover’s love for that pony" -- two adjacent mistakes; it should be "feed off its love"
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Thanks, fixed it!
I knew I had to have an error somewhere, but hey, that happens when you randomly edit it really fast during a break from work.
Why didn't he use his wings at all? I can understand how high speeds and gossamer don't mix but what about when he fell out of that tree?
"Uh, someling help?"
Someling, nice play on somepony!!
I want to meet this Dang ling. The one he calls out to when stuck on the tree.
#37? I somehow feel the need to nickname him Claire.
Hello new story to like. Please to meet you!
750785
nay nay, we should name him Quincy!
I read this:
"Oh yeah, he was screaming. That sort of happened when involuntarily flying at high speeds, he remembered."
Lost it.
Facedesked.
Funny stuff.
"He was, after all, a changeling, a creature which took the place of another pony so he could feed off its lover’s love for that pony. Consuming love was how they survived; they could eat other foods, but they wouldn’t satisfy. "
You spell out the obvious a lot, and there are a few writing errors. The storytelling is looking good, though.
For the quote above - you can assume anyone reading ponyfics would have seen all the episodes.
Other times it's more subtle:
"He looked around. He saw trees, bushes, a few flowers, and a whole bunch of other things that couldn’t talk, or feel, or communicate otherwise."
It's better writing if you don't say "He looked around. He saw" but just go right to saying "His surroundings were filled with trees, bushes, flowers, and other things that couldn't talk, communicate, or more importantly, love." We already get that you're using the changeling's perspective since you're sharing his thoughts.
Also note that phrases like "a whole bunch of other things" sound fine spoken, but feel sorta tedious to read. You don't need to spend time writing them - it's actually better if you don't.
Lastly:
"He let out a short sigh. “What am I going to do now?” He spoke aloud to himself. Having little other options aside from ‘Sit here and starve’, he decided to walk in the direction of the little village he had seen. With some luck, he could find some unsuspecting pony couple to feed off of.
>"He spoke aloud to himself" is a totally unnecessary sentence.
>'Little' is used for things like pudding, which you can't count. You can count options, so the right word is 'few'.
>'to feed off of' - 'to feed on'
Again, the story itself is looking pretty good. If you want to write the stuff that people all recognize is really amazing, it's important to focus on how you're putting it together.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-836TtoF_5I
Writing is an art, after all.
You introduction feels very rushed, but you've piqued my interest enough to continue to the next chapter.
This is good so far
Oh, fun start! I already both hate him and sympathize with him. A great way to start off any character!
Hum... Who thought of Hitman while reading the name 37 ?
Lots of humour in the Changeling's speech, had me chuckling throughout
Thumb up and onto the next chapter!
This is definitely going to be a fun read.
This is my second time to read this and I still love it!
DIS GON B GUD!!!
I planned on sleeping tonight.
Going on day three! Let's do this!
Finally got around to reading this. I'd been staring at it at least 5 days a week every week for about 10 weeks now
Anyhow, this looks very amusing. Can't wait to read the rest.
Also,
Brilliant!
771304 BERTRAM
nice great start to it ^_^
i LOLed when i saw "Someling" XD
OOO l lke ths XD
just finished the first chapter, and I've already caught myself laughing at least twice. Looking forward to reading the rest when I get time.
Gonna re-read this.
Because why not? I forgot how funny this was...
This is AMAZING so far. Can't wait to read part 2.
I'm re-reading this for the 3rd time. It's just so damn good!
Hmmm, nice start. Maybe a tad fast paced for my tastes, but that's just me half the time. No real mystery where he's going to end up, going to be interesting seeing him try to fit in and hide.
USE THE MUSTACHE!!
Perfect!
3572209
its super effective! LOL!
3572209
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I say we should all grow beards and flee the hive.
Chryssy he isn't to blame, YOU ARE. Let's go over your mistakes.
1: Poorly acting as Cadance and not know your target's history
2: Putting Twilight near Cadance with no guards
3:Dismiss your troops when you haven't secured the element bearers
4: Did even counter Twilight's actions went you knew she released Cadance.
OK, so far, interesting, amusing, no big gramatical or spelling errors I can see, this should be fun.
Kittens.
Number 37 seems like an interesting character to follow while Chrissy is a f*cking *sshole. I consider 37's banishment a blessing, so I say "good riddance to the changeling hive."
I'm curious -- did you choose the number 37 randomly? If so, it's interesting because that is one the most common numbers a human will think of. Or, more accurately, it's entirely expected and the absolute opposite of interesting. That is what makes it interesting.
8071647
37 is an interesting number: it's the only prime number divisible by 37! :-)
I am enjoying the novelty of a changeling mocking his/her queen in the first hour of being exiled. 99% of stories have exiles hold their queen in the reverence as the god emperor (even if they express dissatisfaction occasionally)
He better have been named "scapegoat"!
8600089
I mean, you aren’t wrong...
You aren’t exactly making a case for 37 being an interesting number, either.
Chrysalis: YEEEEEEET
Over 6 years i read this last... Damn... Time is flying...
Chrysalis is like a child throwing a temper tantrum after destroying its own toys...