Zipp is my new lesbian gf. Fight me. | Find my other works on AO3 | Avatar by Maren derpi:2715415
Rainbow Dash has a secret.
Not even Fluttershy knows about this one.
Her secret could ruin her reputation as a cool and awesome mare. But, one day, Twilight Sparkle somehow figures it out. What happens when she does? Will she become 20% LESS cooler?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Third paragraph, should be "bet" not "bed".
Third paragraph after divider, should be "bit" not "but".
(ahem).. SSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAQQQEEL!
5697092 Thank you! I will fix those!
5697182 Idk yet... I am busy with EquineFall, and this was just and old story I found that I had never finished
Fuzzy hehe, so fuzzy it tickles a a little. That good little tickle you get in the corner of yer lips that makes em curl.
5698044
You know, upon reading the line
I was ready to come down to the end of the story and ask if you'd even read it. After having read the story all the way through, though, I am... inclined to agree.
This fic was... an odd case. It's short, rushed, and incredibly underwhelming. Beyond that, the romance goes nowhere and is there only because... no, I can't even think of a reason for the romance to be here at all. Actually, scratched that; there isn't any romance. I can't think of a reason for Dash's feelings to be there at all. The whole "afraid of the dark thing" has been done before, but that doesn't really make it bad. You just have to play it right, and this is... not playing it right. I mean... seriously, if you wanna take on something like this, which at this point is a legitimate phobia, you gotta know what you're doing with both the phobia and the character experiencing it. Beyond that, there's virtually know payoff. The "cuddling" - if you can even call it that - lasts one paragraph and is hardly described at all, and that's supposed to be the ultimate goal of the thing. The fear issue is never really resolved, which in a good fic would be addressed and in an amazing fic might actually be properly dealt with depending. In this.... it's just used as a means to an end. Everything in this is just used as a means to an end. You treat your plot devices like the key to the lock box holding the cuddling, when they should be the box itself, with the characters as the lock and the conflict as the key.
I want to like this, really I do; I've seen this idea done beautifully before (See A Rainbow in the Dark, one of the greatest Twidashes I've ever read to-date, and one I still re-read on a regular basis years later) but it's just not there. I get it was just a short idea you had, but that's no excuse for not properly developing it and giving it a proper story. Or maybe I'm the only one that thinks like that - I put a lot of value on the written word as an art form, even if it's pony.
Point is, the idea inherently has potential, you just either didn't know how to tap it or didn't take the time to figure it out. Also, take time to develop the romance! At least keep this marked as incomplete so you can come back to this to continue it at a later date, because as it is I can't call this anywhere near a completed story.
Oh, and you need to get a better grasp on formatting. Every time a new character starts talking, you need to put it in a different paragraph. I saw places in here where you had the speaker switch two or three times in a single paragraph.
5698435 Thank you for the feed-back! As I mentioned before, this was just an old story I found and put here. I think it may have been one of my first writings, I'm not entirely sure!
All feedback in my opinion is good feedback, and personally, I am honored to see one of my favorite authors critiquing my work. Your well thought-out response made me look at the piece and realize as to why the "Romance" tag isn't really demonstrated, and as of now, I really do have to agree. That area, and Dash's phobia, should have been expanded on more.
I am planning on writing another piece in which Dash is the subject to a wide variety of phobias, and I will DEFINITELY keep what you said in mind.
As for the romance tag, it has been removed.
I feel like I got hit with an anvil. Too fast, too little, and outdated.
Because everyone uses bricks now
5698659 Yea... I'm really thinking about just taking this down... or at least rewriting it. I didn't really realize until AFTER I posted it just how... odd it was. Oh well! You're gonna' come across things like this eventually!
Almost every species in the universe has an irrational fear of the dark. But they're wrong. Because it's not irrational. It's Vashta Nerada.
5699495 I know... could've been phrased better
5699924 Interesting!
really, the only complaint i have is the ending. the whole 'twilight discovers her feelings for dash' part seems like it's just slapped on there.
5703631 Ohhh... but that's the thing... she doesn't discover her feelings... she only just starts to realize that she may like dash as more than friend... not quite feelings yet
Then again, I'm defending a fanfic that is currently my most popular, and also is my most controversial?
5703635 still, it just felt like an after thought to the story. maybe if there had been another chapter?
5703692 I'm actually thinking about writing another chapter, but I'm afraid people will want me to re-write the first one as well. Either way, I AM GETTING THE NEXT CHAPTER OF EQUINE FALL OUT FIRST!!!!
5703809 while pleasing your readers is great, the main reason for your writing should be for you. and i'm just about to read your 2nd story, so it's good to hear that it's not dead.
5703809 I think since this story is in the "Popular Stories" box and has mainly likes, you shouldn't take it down.
5703855 Main reason for writing should be me?!?!?! Preposterous!
5704375 Lol... I'm realizing that...
Please mark the different chapters somehow, I'm reading way too often the old chapter first because I read them on a e-reader and it sucks to read the old version first.
5820065 I read all of my fanfic on my kindle, I feel your pain. The chapters will be uploaded separately.
5699495 I almost choked watching that video. I'm not joking either.
>>Kodeake I love your fics. They're really well made.
Man, this is amazingly heart warming and not so hardcore like many ship fanfitions!
6081035 Thank you!
Not sure about the queseadillas line... cmon Twilight just pony up and spell snakes properly....
6178573 It's actually true. Watch "Party Pooped"