(Being edited, summary rewritten)
Have you ever had one of those moments when you screwed up? Like, really, really screwed up? Cause it only took a few pony features and the loss of manhood for me to finally realise the situation at hand, and the fact that a few of my friends landed in the same boat with me as well. How the heck are we going to do our commutes, or school for that matter? Wait, weren't we supposed to find that out ourselves when we agreed to this whole deal?
Needless to say, it doesn’t take long for a few idiots like us to complicate the situation we got ourselves in. Now if everyone could just keep themselves alive, that would be great.
Contains gender bending, transformation, crude humour and potentially sensitive topics.
As always, criticism is welcome.
Update, May 12/2016: Cancelled until technical issues are fixed. New chapters incoming!
Sounds promising. Will be tracking this one.
6480683 Hey, glad you liked it I'll do what I can to keep this worthwhile.
Tracking; looking forward to more.
Interesting fic and looking forward to reading more.
Interested. I'll read the next chapter and see where we are at that. I'm guessing I'll probably end up following this.
Yep, I was right. I like this. Gonna follow this story. Keep up the great work!
6818962
Haha, maybe I'll write about that Kevin in another fic.
6820377
Haha, thanks Hopefully I can update it once I get some more time.
cant wait for more :D
6851438
Hopefully by the end of January after exams, or early February.
6852031 Because of my love for this fic I wish to aid you in it's creation!
I also noticed how you say you cant hire an editor, hmm? I can fill in that spot as editor for ya! For freeeeeeeeee :D
6852483
I wouldn't mind that :) I hope I wouldn't burden your schedule too much.
(We should probably take this to the PM as its sidetracking from the original story )
I do not know how it was before the re-writting, but rigth now it is awesome. You are pleasantly mixing up a bit with the genres, slowly building your character and his universe and you support it with solid writting. It all point out to a great story in the making.
The only two little down sides I found:
-Twilligth's explanation about the plan were a bit too succint. Why are they pairing a human with being from "Equestria's world"? Why not just random transformation? If it is body exchange like mentioned at some point, does that mean Minuette is going to take over his body? If things turns sour for whoever is on earth, is there any failsafe or rescue plan?
All this point to my second complaint:
-Why is it so un-organised? With Miss Checklist leading the operation, shouldn't it be more methodical? Selecting radom humans at random time and transforming them one by one seem ineficient.
6897397
Hey, glad you approve of it right now. It was the product of several rounds of nit picking in the flow part (Yet some parts still feel a bit wonky to me )
Personally, I thought that giving in the important, immediate details first would reduce the amount of 'info-dumping' everything in one part. The parts you listed was to be explained in a later chapter. (Hopefully there won't be too many plot issues in the meantime).
Also, I thought it was already implied in the first part that Twilight had made arrangements for who's being selected Maybe I should have been more specific on that part.
You can message me for any additional questions, as I don't want to keep this comment too long
6899401
Well, from what I understood, she just made a basic filtering.
If the ponies are really planning on doing a first contact, choosing human at key location and transforming the volunteers with a planned timetable would be better. Now she have a list, contact them one by one and hope...
Picking at least a few of them across the world and have them all change at the same time would've made more sense.
And well, info dump can be annoying, but your character is really making a choice based on so few information. Maybe just imply that it was brougth up at some point in the conversation?
Anyway, no further question, I understand well enough and you just promised me answer to the few question I had...
6899411
Aight. Thanks for the suggestions on the part. I'll try to intergrade them in sooner or later.
This time? So, has he done some strange stuff in the past? Like traveling through time or something?
6960423
No, it was simply implying that he made choices which ended horribly.
Iz we'z donz withz chapterz threez?
Pony ears and tails are all the rage for inter-dimensional body transference spells.
This story has real promise to it. The characters are very interesting and well defined, and the descriptions are full and vivid. The plot is semi-sensible, and of course, transforming into the qtm8r is a plus. (No really, but I think it's interesting seeing someone like Minuette's AU equivalent taking the transformation as calmly as she took Twilight's princesshood.)
That said... I can see why you revised it, and why it comes out as strange. First off the story opens with
No description, no scene setting, no panning in. That's an opening an author would use who wants to confuse and (hopefully) intrigue his audience with something very strange about his story. You didn't describe what "I" was wearing, what I looked like, what things looked like from my perspective. Instead you waxed poetic on "that time of day." That leaves readers unable to picture the protagonist, and finding strange the incongruous philosophizing in its stead.
IN THE THIRD PARAGRAPH no I'm not going to tear apart every single paragraph here. I'm just going to say that if you want your story to make sense, not throw readers off, and not mess with them, introduce your scene plainly, describe your characters fully, and never stop to remark about how creative your character's thought process is, when you could be describing what's actually happening instead.
Some bizarre grammar in there "seeing the idea of a cockroach infestation" instead of "seeing the signs of a cockroach infestation" for instance. Ideas can't be seen, generally.
"my mom" nice description there, very comprehensive and not nebulous and lazy.
The train parkour was sudden and incongruous. If you want him to do that, you have to foreshadow it, and have people anticipating its approach, rather than introducing him and then saying, "The next totally radikool thing my character does is go playing chicken with steam trains!"
“Guess so.” He is not nearly bubbly cheerful enough to be Minuette.
She did not say he would wake up as if nothing happened, if he accepted the proposal. Either have the dream sequence be more vague and unobvious, or have something more urgent than er, voluntary going on, so that when the protagonist wakes up the next morning it doesn't leave us scratching our heads why he doesn't recognize the name Minuette and is surprised to have an hourglass tattoo on his butt.
Again, this is some really good stuff. You just need to be a bit more comprehensive about things, avoid tangents onto heavy philosophical rants, and don't reveal things prematurely because they need to be foreshadowed in order to make sense. Basically, don't do anything that I do, and you should be a fine writer.
7000481
7000741
Hey, thanks for the feedback It really helps with improving the quality of the story. I'll try my best to fix the mentioned flaws.
Yay, this updated!
Great, chapter, too. The ears are always fun.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
7001453
During the break maybe.
Nice chapter!
I was a bit heavy in dialogues, but it still at a good flow and pacing.
7001120
No pressure or anything. I was just trying to point things out I noticed.
Moar?
Here are the changes below:
"Like really late," he reassured, "They probably won't be back until like midnight."
You shouldn't use numbers, during so might confuse the readers. Also, either midnight or twelve in the evening makes more sense than twelve at night.
Do you mean 'feeling unimpressed.'
7005023
7005259
Thank you all for the input.
7014791
Hopefully next week.
7021351
I did actually mean 'looking unimpressed'. (Or maybe I was using it wrong).
Fixed. Thanks for the input!
Why doesn't he recall the dream ?
7043530
That part was going to come in later on.
Also, apologies for the late reply.
7061041 it's ok
Umm, why don't you use "hiatus" ?
Awe, why did you cancell iiittt
7299982
It was really just a hiatus, Falcon had to fix a few issues...
Also,
I KEEP RUNNING INTO YOU, ROSEY, AND HEADLOCKED!!!
7474954 I know. We best buds.
7474954 I actually helped this guy put his first two chapters together. I'm all over, aren't I?
7474954
7475290 *waves*
7498765
Waves back...
Look! More of my kind!
7498779 at this point we should write a story of us meeting in a bar :p
Also, I love this story!
7498890
Sounds like a good idea...
7498896 or the start of a bad joke. Three ponies walk into a bar...
7498975
I'd say four ponies and a dragon. I keep running into Wrought-Iron and Headlock1_0, too.
7499002 even better!
7498890 Glad you approve of this story. I hope I can keep up to that standard.
7500023 I'm curious to see if the other friends will get the dream deal and take it as well. Except Sam, just for irony
7500170 Spoilers: He didn't
He'll still be there to make the situation more complicated, however.
7500193 I wonder when it'll be admitted that he made a deal in his dreams :p