When Rarity and Twilight first met Rarity asked Twilight what she though of Canterlot. What if Canterlot was worse than it originally was in the show? What if Twilight carried some mental scars?
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Jonah Smith
Joined 16th Feb, 2017 ·
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Get yourself an editor. Your grammar and punctuation are atrocious.
Wow, I don't know if it's towards Canterlot or Rarity but damn some serious rage boiled through on this one.
7974161 Yeah thanks for pointing that out, Christ I don't remember it being that bad before.
7974274 Eh the rage on this story was more directed to season 1 Rarity before she became a somewhat better character I love Canterlot because of all the story potential you have with it.
7974928 Eh, I like Rarity, even in season 1, but to each their own.
Okay I'm getting multiple dislikes on the story. If you dislike it could you explain why rather than simply downvote?
You were saying how my story was better than this, so I decided to check it out, and after reading, I must say, I have no idea what you're talking about, this story is probably 2x as good as mine, and I have no idea why 5 people disliked it. Maybe for the grammar, but I didn't find that a big problem. Anyways, that aside, let me just say:This was a great dark story, and I hope you keep up the great work!
7978006 thank you thank you so much. It wasn't really intended to be so dark originally but it just worked
You wanted a response as to why I down voted. I'm sorry but here it is.
This story bears a striking resemblance to tiny Twilight's issue with Rarity but this story handled it poorly. It's my belief that a story should not be made if the author has strong negative feelings about the issue. This story has multiple quotation mark problems. A character finishes speaking but then start again without any quotation marks signifying another start in speaking. When writing you should try to stick to only one persons thought process, yet we see both Rarity and Twilights thoughts multiple times. Your Rarity personality seems weird. She never had any problem with the Apple family, she had a problem with Applejack. She has been shown to deal with both Applebloom and Big Macintosh easily and without issue in cannon. In fact you apparently make Rarity have problems with the entire town all together even though in Sweet and Elite, she stated that she was born in Ponyville. She shouldn't have anything wrong with Ponyville because she has never had any issue with it in cannon before. Rarity never actually tried to use Twilight for any real connection. I feel like this all is somehow your misinterpretation of Rarity's character. In Season 1, she never complained about helping Applejack in episode 4 and she was the only one to realize that Rainbow Dash was having stage fright in Sonic Rainboom, even if she did let her overinflated ego get to her. But besides all that, your story has some issue with other parts. Twilight getting overly violent is something that has never really been done before in Cannon (but for some reason is overly exaggerated in Fan fiction) and feels out of place. Her ability to feel the leylines is something that is complete bologna, for multiple reasons. Never in cannon has she been able to just identify something like that so easily, unless she has studied it before that point. Twilight being on such a hair trigger just seems wrong. I guess it is just my perception.
I do apologize for the wall of text though. That does contain most of my reasons for down voting.
7978787 Thank you for explaining this honestly helps a lot let me address your points one by one.
1. First off the tiny twi experience with Rarity. I won't lie in saying I was slightly inspired by the fanfiction to make this. I loved this part of the story and wanted to make something a bit similar just with a darker tone.
2. The quotation marks I can't excuse that was just terrible editing on my part
3. Mentioning the entire apple family was a mistake and I should have just used applejack, that's true but this story is an alternate universe so I purposefully made Rarity a little bit more vain.
4. Leylines- I'm honestly split on this point. Is it non canon to the show? Yes but magic has never been greatly explained in the show making Twilight sense it was the ig mistake I just needed a way in this scene for Twilight to know Rarity was awake.
Really most of the issues here are true but they could easily be explained by it's an alternate universe. I think my largest problem with this story was not only the editing but the motivation. I had fun writing this but I made it overly dark so that it wouldn't feel like a copy and paste of that other story and I feel as if overdoing it was my big mistake. Also leaving a big wall of text doesn't matter to me, I'd like all the feedback I could get.
7978819
Rarity is my favorite so I read a lot of fiction about her. Unfortunately this kind of thing is fairly common and usually isn't well done. That doesn't mean it can't be done right. It just tends to be fueled by anger more than anything. If you get over the anger than a story can be well written with pieces like this.
I am glad that you didn't take it too personally, cause I never mean to make anything personal. I still think that this could have been written better to convey that Twilight was just as wrong as Rarity. Maybe make the mention of the Princess happen before Twilight goes off the bar. That way Rarity can mention wanting to get to know the princess and then Twilight goes off the bar.
I do have a tendency to get a little defensive of Rarity as it seems she get the most hate out of the entire series, even garnering hate groups. A little of that might be my fault as well, a little bit of biased blinding me to stuff.
7978847 Oh don't get me wrong I don't hate Rarity (much) This fic was more based on how she was portrayed in Seasons 1-2 before she became a good character (well before slice up your life) Don't worry I'm planning a story in the future that will have her portrayed a whole lot better. And also Rarity's one of the most hated? Really? I think starlight glimmer says otherwise.
7978858
well.. that is true... But out of the main 6, she kind of either gets abused or just neglected. Of course there are a lot of people who do like her but there are also people who don't like her. Those people who don't like her, tend to be a lot more vocal about it than the people who like her. I have no problem with people who don't really like her, unless they just make art or write stories about how much they hate her. I feel like they just kind of ignore the other aspects of her character. What makes her my favorite is her diversity in personality. She can be motherly and caring, yet still come off as dramatic and energized. While she can also be vain and a little egotistical, she usually means well. A lot of fiction that just neglects to even mention any other part of her other than that shallow, vain personality. A quarter of those people also reject any advise about writing her character. It make me sad to see a character like her get so many fics where she is a shallow, vapid bitch.
Her and Rainbow Dash have hate groups here. Honest hate groups. I think their the only ones with it too, out of the main 6 at least. There are without a doubt more people who hate characters like Trixie, Starlight, Discord, and all the like, but it just feels wrong for a character that has had 6 seasons to be still hated so much. Maybe I'm just unlucky when looking for fan fiction and just end up finding the Rarity hate fics...
Anyway sorry for the long rant. I really didn't mean to go into that far.
I think that pretty much all your issues except the two below would be easily fixed it you got an editor. If you need help finding one, check out this group. If you just can't seem to get one there, then I will volunteer to be one for you.
Anyway, an opinion as you asked for in The Writer's Group:
-I like the concept, but not the execution. It seems a bit rushed in places where you could have done a better job with establishing what about the universe is different.
-Second and final, you don't do a good job of voicing Twilight's disgust of Canterlot ponies as she observes Rarity. What you have makes it seem more like she is compartmentalizing Rarity's behavior with the Canterlot-ians, by subconsciously comparing her to them. This just makes me think of her as one with an analytical brain, you know, like she does in the show.
Hope this helps at least a little, and if you need clarification on what I mean when I say something, don't hesitate to ask.
7984355 I know this is rather late but how to editors work exactly? Are we supposed to email it to you and you email it back? Issues with google docs are preventing me from editing my new story correctly.
8031073
The easiest ways are: have the editor PM you through this site, some other system of email, or through Gdocs.
8031084 So I could just send you the draft through a private message and you could help me out?
8031092
It would work, otherwise I would send you the errors in a quote, and then the possible fix.
It would look something like this:
- Fine, you win.
8031105 Ah okay then, expect a private message of my story by tomorrow.
8031105 Just sent you the story.
You can has review!