Lucas Turner should have felt happy at CHS. The classes were easy, the kids were nice, and the girls were kinda hot. Everything was perfect. But lately, he's been hearing some wierd rumors. Portals to other worlds, the class mates growing wings, and these strange necklaces that these 7 girls wear. Something fishy's going on, and he's gonna find out. Even if it costs him his only friends.
Takes place after Mirror Magic.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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So, does this take place in the EqG universe? If so, why do these characters have normal names and there are so many pop-culture references that shouldn't really exist in this universe? Frankly, it seems like this is just the regular real world and Canterlot High somehow happens to be a part of it. Also, considering that this kid has gone through this expulsion ordeal several times in virtually identical circumstances, and their parents know he's innocent (I assume, it's really not very clear), how come they've never pressed charges or tried to start a formal investigation instead of throwing up their arms and being like, "Welp! Time to move again based on poor research and hearsay"?
Plotholes aside, this story needs some work. Your descriptions (namely your pacing and detail structure) are lacking, and you fall into a couple of bad tropes younger fanfic writers fall into (namely Pinkie Pie being the first Mane 6 character the person meets, guaranteeing that he will unconditionally be in her good graces and will not have to make any effort in becoming friends with the other Mane 6 (or anyone, for that matter)).
Take some time and read some stuff, and not just the stuff limited to this site. Read books, news articles, etc. The key is not to copy the author's writing style or simply speed up to the "cool parts," but to focus on how different authors describe actions, emotions, settings, and appearances, and find a style that best suits you and what you can bring to your story. It will take a long time, and when done right, chapters can become thousands of words in length, but it will reflect better in your work and how people react to it.
Hope this helps.
8345937
I have to agree it Bull he gets expeled and his parents do Jack about it, no investiation no counter argument no nothing!
And what thisc rap about hsi dad tries to stand up for him he mom gets into a argument with him?!
Does that mean his mother secretly hates him and rather blame him for everything and be a stupid drama queen and not a funny one ethier but a stupid selfish one at that.
8345937
This is my first time writing a story, give me some slack!
8346008
I based the Parents Fighting part on what my parents go through. I don't get expelled like the character does, but my life is hard. Either read the story or go take your hate comments somewhere else!
8347082
Take it easy, I wasn't trying to offend you or make hate comments it was harsh criticism, i give you that, but it not hate replies.
8347082
As for my comment, this is me cutting you some slack. If you want to see me to tear your story to confetti, there would be little to no effort on my end; I'm practically a veteran when it comes to this stuff. What I offered was some constructive criticism on where your story fell short and ways you could improve your writing. I would hardly call that "hating" as you've referred to diablo's comment as (as harsh as it came across).
Let me give you a small, helpful warning, being that this is your first story and you're relatively new here. This site does not take kindly to people who dismisses any comments that don't laud their stories as the second coming of Shakespeare as "hate." There is literally no worse nor quicker way to kill off any credibility you might hope to have here than to go to war with people who genuinely are trying to help better your writing and storytelling.
I'll be candid with you, my first fanfics were dogshit. It wasn't until I started reading more material both on and offsite and joined various groups (some of which were for the expressed purpose of riffing stories) that I both improved my writing and came across common author pitfalls that I learned to avoid down the road. Five years later, I have a relatively decent number of followers and have become a somewhat respected member of the MLP fanfiction community.
I don't want to fight you nor be on your bad side, I just don't want you going down a path that could end up very badly for you if you choose to play your cards wrong.
I'm sorry, guys. It's just that this is my first story and I don't have the experience to make a story as good as Harry Potter or Hunger Games. I'm just translating some of the Mane 7's friendship magic from the point of view of a kid who got by through life where friendship was not a luxury he had (also adding some of my favorite things and my personal experiences). I'm sorry for what I said, but the way you said it sounded mean.
8347755 No one's asking you to write the next YA smash series. We're simply trying to offer advice to make your storytelling abilities better than what they are now. I'm pretty sure J.K. Rowling and Suzanne Collins's very first forays into writing were also heavily criticized one way or another, but I guarantee you they didn't come to create their opuses by being showered with unconditional praise right out of the gate.
And I get what your story is trying to accomplish, and it's a good bedrock to form a story off of, but it really needs more dressing up.
8347945
I see, well thanks for the advice, I'll get better as the story continues.
This is cool
8349888
Thanks. It'll get cooler as the story progresses.
Before I read this, what is the Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
8389938
Bad enough where he turns to a raging demon of hatred gained over the years. And not even the Elements can stop him. Also, he chokes Rarity at one point, doesn't kill her but chokes her... maybe.
Okay, I like this story. The concept is one that I myself would like to dip my toes in and the fact Lucas Turner is being framed for things he didn't do is a good way to turn into the main plot. But there are a few hickups here and there.
This is the first glaring mistake, whenever you have two people speaking, it's best to use another paragraph to show another character is speaking, otherwise it makes it difficult for the reader to follow and makes the story clunky.
One more thing is the pacing, everything happened a little too fast. I'm not saying that the plot should be dragging itself across the floor, but it shouldn't be going a hundred miles per millisecond. A nice middle pace would not only leave the reader with a nice taste in their mouth, but it would allow someone who is either new to reading or don't read so much to swallow everything without choking.
9120414
I was a beginner when I first wrote this story. I had no idea what I was doing, or how to do it. And as I got into it more, I did begin to notice that the pace was a bit too quick (which is one of the things I struggle with when writing a story) Because of this, I've taken a long time to make Chapter 3, because I want everything to be perfect, a hooking story, with just the right amount of pacing.
I'm also doing a lot of refurbishing to the story. My ideas and interests shifted over time, and because of this, so has the story. I honestly don't know where I'll go with this, as I have lots of great ideas and don't know which ones to choose.
Anyway, thanks for giving my story a shot, and the much needed criticism. I promise I will do everything in my ability to make this story worth the time of you, and the rest of my readers.
Honestly, I wouldnât care.
I wouldnât say mistake, but it is something.
8391427
Why?