It was Christmastime in Canterlot. The snow was everywhere, the sun shone above, and everywhere the sense of merriment and happiness abided. Carols echoed through the streets, and decorations hung from practically every building in town. Canterlot High School looked particularly festive at that time of year, great quantities of snow and ice hanging from rafters and ceilings. The only problem was the snow accumulating on the overhead power lines; this was not good for the streetcars, as it caused them to spark badly.
One winter morning, Sunset Shimmer and Applejack stepped in through the great front door of the school, and walked to their lockers.
“Ah love winter,” said Applejack, as she wrestled with her locker combination. “Hot cocoa, the smell o’ new snow, buildin’ a fire in the fireplace-”
“Where else do you build a fire?” Sunset asked.
Applejack laughed, as the door to her locker swung open. “But mah favourite part is just bein’ home for the holidays with all mah family.”
“All your family?” Sunset enquired. “There’s rather a lot of them, isn’t there?”
“Ah got a lot of cousins,” Applejack admitted. “But isn’t it just the best?”
Sunset shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. I haven’t been home for Hearth’s Warming in a long time.”
“Hearth’s Warming?” Now it was Applejack’s turn to ask a question.
“Sorta like Christmas and Independence Day rolled into one.”
“How’s that work?”
“Well,” Sunset began, “Everyp-everybody gets together with their family during the winter. Even before I came here, I wasn’t very close to my family. And my first years here...well, I wasn’t close to anyone.”
She paused. “Well, I can’t blame anyone for not wanting to hang out with me. I did sabotage friendships and manipulate people, after all.”
Applejack looked stunned. “You’ve been alone durin’ the holidays? For all that time?”
Sunset nodded. “Yep. And why is everybody suddenly so scared of calling it Christmas?”
Applejack had a deep look of shock on her face. “That’s awful!” she said.
“Yep,” Sunset replied emotionlessly. Her face then erupted into a smile, and she hugged Applejack. “But hey, don’t worry about me! I’ve got you guys now!”
Sunset headed off down the hall, calling, “I’ll see you later, AJ!”
Applejack barely acknowledged. “Yeah...later, Sunset,” she said sadly.
Applejack pulled out her phone, and started typing on MyStable; Hey girls! Friendship emergency! Secret Meeting in the Library after school! DON’T TELL SUNSET!
Several sets of phones beeped at once, the message having got to its intended recipients.
At the end of the school day, Pinkie Pie was typing furiously on a keyboard, answering a number of earlier posts.
“Oh, Pinkie?!” called the familiar voice of Miss Cheerilee. “I hope you’re not using a school computer to go on MyStable!”
Pinkie laughed. “Of course not, Miss Cheerilee!”
Cheerilee didn’t pay too much attention, as a familiar face suddenly appeared, that of Scootaloo, already wrapped up in a warm coat. “Hi mom!” she called.
“You’re here early, darling,” Cheerilee smiled, rubbing her daughter’s hair. Whilst school regulations prohibited her from touching most students, the school board allowed for some exceptions-showing affection towards biological children being one of them.
“Mr Cranky Doodle let us out early,” Scootaloo grinned. “I got an A on the test, by the way.”
Cheerilee hugged Scootaloo tightly, and picked her up. “Well done! I really am proud of you.” Scootaloo struggled with math due to her autism, but worked hard nonetheless. However, she did find the circumstances a little embarrassing.
“Mom!” she hissed. “Not in front of other students!”
Luckily, with perfect timing, the rest of the Main 5 arrived, distracting from the moment. “Hey girls!” shouted Pinkie. “Over here!”
“So, what’s the emergency AJ?” asked Rainbow Dash. “What's up with Sunset?”
“Well,” the farmer replied, “Ah think she gets pretty lonely durin’ the holidays, an’ Ah think we can help her with that!”
“What’s your plan dear?” asked Rarity.
“Two words,” Applejack answered. “Slumber Parties!”
“We should hold parties at everybody’s house, culminatin’ with everybody comin’ over to Sweet Apple Acres!”
“Yeah!” Rainbow said.
“That’s a lovely idea,” said Rarity.
“Oh, I’d love to,” added Fluttershy.
“You know,” said Rainbow, “I don’t think I’ve ever really met your family.”
“Well,” began Fluttershy, “they’re-”
Pinkie loudly interrupted. “Ooh ooh ooh ooooooh! ME FIRST! Parties are my life!”
“Sounds good Pinkie,” Applejack finished.
“I'll tell Sunset!” Pinkie was ahead of the game.
Rainbow raised her hand. “Isn’t there a slight problem with that? I thought you were doin’ stuff with Apple Bloom,” she said to Applejack. But Applejack was nowhere to be seen. She and the other girls had pulled a vanishing act.
“Great,” she groaned.
“Rainbow?” a voice asked behind her. She turned around to see Scootaloo looking at her. “Is it possible if me and my friends could attend?”
Rainbow knelt down. “I’ll ask Applejack. If you’re worried about Wednesday, don’t worry; I will come over and see you. However, Pinkie’s pretty well equipped in terms of multiplayer games, so if all else fails you could always join us over the internet.”
“Thanks,” Scootaloo smiled. She turned to go, as her mother was beckoning her to leave. However, Cheerilee walked over to Rainbow.
“Rainbow, I want to thank you for all you've done,” she smiled. “Scootaloo really looks up to you, and you’ve helped to make her so happy.”
“It’s no problem Cheerilee,” Rainbow smiled. “Scoots is effectively a sister to me.”
“I wish to invite you over for Christmas Day,” Cheerilee said. “You’re effectively family. And William will be back as well.” William was Cheerilee’s husband, and by logical extension Scootaloo’s dad. He was currently away in Germany with the air force, but was trying to transfer to Canterlot Air Base.
“Thanks,” Rainbow replied. “I really appreciate it.”
Meanwhile, Pinkie materialised in front of Sunset, making a strange noise.
Before anybody knew what had happened, they were in Pinkie Pie’s house. “Welcome to Party Central!” she shouted.
Briefly pushing Pinkie’s capability to defy any laws of physics to the back of her mind, Sunset exclaimed “Wow, Pinkie! You went all out!”
“Nothing but the best for my gal pals!”
“Dibs on the games!” Rainbow called. She had asked Applejack if Scootaloo and co could attend, but the answer had been no. It was time to go to the backup plan. “Who wants to take me on in World of Tanks?”
Fluttershy looked alarmed. “Uh’m I don’t think-”
“It’s relaxing!”
“Thank you, but-”
“You can have a tank with a bunny in the commander’s hatch!”
Fluttershy’s face became bitterly serious. “I will destroy all my enemies,” she said grimly.
Rainbow nodded. So far, so good. She flicked her headset on and activated the chat. “You there, squirt?” she asked.
“Ready to receive orders,” came a familiar raspy voice over the radio.
“How's she in the game?” Fluttershy asked.
“Seeing as Scoots can’t be here in person, I figured she should at least be allowed to play digitally. And World of Tanks is the only game I own that she’s allowed to play as well.” Fluttershy looked over. “Yeah, her mom’s really strict about that.”
As the evening went on, Sunset looked around. “Not too different to last time, before the Battle of the Bands. Just hanging out!”
Meanwhile, the tank fight had got extremely intense. Scootaloo had charged her tank in front of Rainbow’s to save her, and Fluttershy had scored an impressive 4 kills in a row. Rainbow called a break, and so it was.
Suddenly, the doorbell went. “I got it!” Pinkie called.
Maud stood there. “Hello Pinkie,” she said flatly, which was how she said everything. “The 16 pizzas you ordered have arrived.”
“Oh Maud, you’re the best sister ever!”
“They’re dripping grease on my shoes,” Maud deadpanned.
Rarity looked over. “Why on Earth did you order 16 pizzas?”
Rainbow frowned. “Assuming each pizza to be 6 slices, that’s 96 pieces. I can typically eat 4 at the most, so assuming we each eat 4, that’s 24. That leaves us with 72 pieces. That’s wasteful!”
Pinkie grinned. “It isn’t because I can freeze those and we can eat them at the other parties!”
Applejack sighed. “Pinkie, you are so random.”
Later still, AJ was having nail polish applied. “Now, don’t touch anything until they dry, Applejack.”
“Ah just don’t know how y’all can use this stuff all the time.”
Rainbow was having her hair combed by Fluttershy. “Hold still, Rainbow.”
Sunset smiled. “Thanks for inviting me along. It’s so good to have friends.”
Rainbow jumped up, having teleported to the other side of the room. “Hey, I feel the same! I don’t know what I’d be like without you girls!”
“Same here!” Applejack added. “It means a lot to me. Havin’ friends to support me makes-”
Suddenly, music flared up from somewhere: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-P2-Nmk1uFQ
“Gosh darn it! That’s mah phone!” Applejack jumped up. “That’s mah phone! Can someone get it for me?”
Sunset passed the phone to Applejack, who set it to speaker. “Whoever this is, you just ruined a real heartwarmin’ moment.”
“Hey big sis!” came the distinctive tones of Apple Bloom down the phone. "Granny just wanted me ta call and make sure you’re doin’ alright. Ma an’ Pa are out.”
“Course Ah’m alright!” Applejack snorted. “Ah’m with all my friends, so tell Granny Smith ta quit her worryin’!”
“Yeah,” Sunset said. “AJ’s fine. She’s wearing nail polish!”
“All right, all right, Ah’m just the messenger.” There was a pause. "Have a good night...piggly wiggly”. With that, the call ended.
Applejack groaned. “She must be irritated that Ah called off tonight’s plans.”
“Did she just call you Piggly Wiggly?” Sunset asked.
“Yeah, she did,” Applejack replied. “Ah was hopin’ Ah wouldn’t have ta tell this story again, but when Ah was little Ah used to follow Granny Smith around when she was doin’ chores. Ah ‘specially loved it when she fed the pigs. So, one day, Ah snuck into the pigpen and started playin’ with the pigs! Granny Smith said Ah stayed in there for hours! Course, that was before we switched over to bein’ an apple orchard. The old pigshed is now where we keep the petrol locos.” Applejack paused, before continuing. “So, she started callin’ me ‘piggly wiggly’, and it sorta stuck as a family nickname. Apple Bloom likes ta use it when she thinks Ah’m getting' too big for ma britches.” She paused. “Well, that’s family for ya. Gotta take the good with the bad!”
Suddenly realising nobody else was awake, she said to Sunset, “Maybe we should go ta sleep.”
“Yeah,” Sunset answered.
A little later, Sunset wrote something in her journal, but precisely what has been lost to time.
Wow, already a downvote!
Two words your doomed.
9204465
I'm sorry. I don't understand.
9204477
your not meant to
9204481
Right.
9204506
9204477
I get it
9204522
Can you explain?
9204598
A slumber party is where the whole mess started
9204462
Probably because this sort of story will always get a lot of down votes. No matter what the author tries to do different with the source material.
9204629
Then it will interest you to see the direction in which I go.
9204630
You may be very surprised.
My first story with more downvotes than upvotes. This doesn't bode well...
Alright, curiosity got the best of me and its 3:30 in the morning. I'll give the first chapter of this a shot and see what happens.
And we have an embedded video already. Oh dear.
...I'm confused, but okay.
I'm more confused, but okay.
I'm not sure if I should comment more on the fact that there's a second video linked already or the inconsistency in how they're linked.
Not sure if the odd spacing issues are on you or on the sites lovely importing, but I digress. Overall the chapter's pretty average for this genre's but to be fair they basically all are. Its certainly above some of the dreck that tends to lurk around, especially with the crossovers, but its certainly early to judge either way. Some of the choices with Scootaloo are...strange, to phrase it simply, though appear to be harmless at the moment. Even so, I have an odd feeling that they're going to be used in a specific way once the account proper goes up. I'll see by the time I get there though.
9281865
Uria, thank you for your commentary. To answer your question about formatting, I wrote this in Microsoft Word, which is probably causing the spacing issues.
The bit about Scootaloo having disabilities is a callback to an earlier story of mine (Railway Adventure). Given that to a certain degree pony Scoots is a metaphor for disibility, I thought it would be apt (I'm on the spectrum myself).
Is video linking particularly frowned upon on Fimfiction? You're the first person to flag it up.
I wanted to write a story that was different to other Anon-a-Miss ones, so this may not go the way you expect. Nontheless, I am happy to hear that you think it is well written. You are actually one of my inspirations writing-wise, so to hear you say that is truly humbling.
Your's sincerely,
The Blue EM2.
So, now that I've finally had a chance to start looking this over, here are my thoughts.
First, I recommend changing the name. It's good that you mentioned my story in the description to avoid confusing people, but I still think you should change the title. "Anon-a-Miss: Blah Blah Blah", "Anon-a-Miss - such and such", or literally anything else. It doesn't matter how big or small of a change really. When I finish typing up a story, one of the first things I do is check the search bar to see if there are any stories that already have the name that I want to use. If not, good. If yes, I pick something else.
Scootaloo being Cherilee's daughter is different.
Not necessarily a bad thing, it's just something I haven't seen before.
Get rid of the word "luckily", and after the word "exceptions", try adding a "-" or a semicolon instead of a comma, because that looks a bit like a run on sentence to me.
Get rid of the "s" in "maths".
Did you mean for Pinkie to talk like Applejack in this scene? If not, then change that to "I'll tell Sunset."
I'd change that to say something like, "... but was trying to transfer to Canterlot Air Base." Or something like that. A squadron is one of several different work centers located on a military base. And for future reference, when a military member transfers to another base, we call that a "PCS", short for "Permanent Change of Station". In a sentence, it would sound like this, "Sergeant X PCS'ed to Fort Y" or "Sergeant X is in the middle of PCS'ing to Y". But most people probably wouldn't know that if you used it in a story, so I guess that still works the way you phrased it.
And lastly, why did you put an "e" at the end of Maud's name?
Overall, the chapter seems decent enough. I didn't see any serious grammar issues or anything like that.
9288404
Firstly, Dainn, thank you for your comment.
I'll admit I'm a little stuck when it comes to thinking up a new title. You wouldn't have any suggestions?
The idea of Scootaloo being Cheerilee's daughter is a callback to a story called 'Bloom Filter', which inspired me to start writing on this site. At first I found the idea a little surprising, but after glancing at images of the characters, I spotted there is a resemblance. Besides, I just really liked the idea.
Thank you for the suggestion about the comma. Rereading the sentence now, it does look like a comma splice.
Just to clarify, I'm from the UK, and as a result we use the word 'maths' rather than 'math'.
The line you've picked out was originally going to be spoken by Applejack, but I switched it to Pinkie when I realised she said that line in the original comic. I must've forgotten to edit the text, and as a result feel a complete fool now.
I'll make the airbase edit, but I don't think I'll use the phrase PCS, as I suspect that my readers wouldn't understand it. I caused endless confusion when I used the acronym LMS in one of my stories.
Maud being spelt with an E by mistake is another consequence of my being British. Microsoft Word must have auto-corrected that somehow.
Thank you again. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Oy vey.
Where to begin? Well, your stories all suffer similar problems. Your pacing is absurdly quick, and your mechanics leave a lot to be desired. Your writing feels dry and stilted. It feels bland. When you combine that with the quick pacing and poor mechanics, it's hard to enjoy the story.
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I'm sorry to hear that. Any tips for improving mechanics going forward?
That a girl!
Agreed, should've got 6 at best.