"Any moment now..."
"Sister."
Celestia smiled divinely, broad innocence glowing with the light of the everlasting and evergood sun.
Luna didn't buy it for a moment and repeated herself. "Sister."
The smile faltered and Celestia answered. "...Yes, dearest sister of mine?"
"Some months ago," Luna evenly detailed, "You spoke to me of a saying among the political class. That when one is assured of victory, they would joke they could only lose if caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy."
Celestia nodded with only slight hesitation, confirming the saying.
"I understood the point of the saying," Luna noted. "I did not require an objective demonstration."
"I--," started Celestia.
She was instantly interrupted as Luna pointed at the body laying in her sister's regal bed. "And I most certainly did not require it to be done with your prized pupil."
With good grace, Celestia grimaced at her sister's icy tone. "Yes, well, you see…"
Luna glowered at her sister.
"That anecdote is actually unrelated to this precise situation." Celestia tried smiling again, but it had no effect.
"Which only raises further questions." Luna signaled that the conversation wasn't going to end any time soon by sitting down by the bed - on the same side as the still warm body of Twilight Sparkle. "I beg thee to enlighten me as to the circumstances which have this make sense."
The first response was a long, slow breath as Celestia delayed just a few moments more. Then, trying to sound as innocent as possible, she began. "Well, it was Twilight's idea to start with--"
Predictably, Luna interrupted her. "She wanted you to kill her?"
"She did!" Celestia threw up her hooves in surrender. "I swear it! Twilight came to me with questions about her nature as an alicorn - she's been doing so for months. Part of the issue is that every time I answered her, she would go home and start experimenting. She couldn't just accept my answers - you know her! Twilight had to verify them for herself. She wanted to be sure."
Slowly, Luna nodded and accepted Celestia's claim. It did sound like Twilight, after all.
Celestia hesitated again, trying to buy just a moment more before she admitted it. "Her most recent question was about… immortality." Her eyes pinched shut tightly, heart hammering. "Knowing how her questions went, I put off answering her for as long as I could. But you know Twilight - when confronted by a mystery, she simply will not let go. When I finally answered her, I tried to make her swear not to test her limits."
"Which she refused to swear to," Luna surmised evenly.
A nod confirmed it. "She admitted that she couldn't test agelessness," Celestia pointed out, "But there are many forms of death that arrive more swiftly. We… had a bit of an argument over that." The Mare of the Sun laughed at that so-recent memory - a bitter laugh, sharp as a knife. "In the end, she won me over by logic. I could either help her and do so in a way that ensured it would happen in a controlled environment and with expert supervision - or she could jump off Cloudsdale."
Luna rolled her eyes with a sigh of frustration. "Yes, that seems about right for the mad young mare."
"But I couldn't do it!" Celestia practically sobbed the confession. "It's Twilight! How could I kill her? But she just..." A shiver ran down her spine. "I had no choice. So I tried to make her end something as gentle as possible."
Luna looked at the corpse splayed out on the wrinkled and tossed sheets and raised an eyebrow.
"As non-violent as possible," Celestia corrected.
Luna repeated the expression.
"Enjoyable," Celestia corrected yet again.
This time, Luna accepted it with a slight nod.
"So I, um." Celestia ran out of steam immediately. She could only blush with embarrassment and motion mutely at the body.
Fortunately, Luna picked back up. "So in an effort to kill your star pupil in as pleasant as way as possible - both for your own conscience and for her own good - you proceeded to copulate with her for…" She glanced to her sister.
"Seventy-three hours," came the answer.
"Seventy-three hours," Luna continued, "Until such a time as she perished from exhaustion, overwhelming pleasure and presumably dehydration."
Defensively, Celestia's wings flared. "I ensured there were plenty of fluids!"
Luna raised an eyebrow again.
"Not like that!" Celestia motioned to the bedside table and the multiple empty water pitchers there. "I did my best, Luna. I tried as much as I could to talk Twilight out of this foolish plan, and when that failed I did all in my power to make sure her death was as non-traumatic as possible for all of those involved. This is perhaps slightly less than ideal--"
"Twilight Sparkle's corpse is in your bed, covered in a variety of fluids that I dare not think about and every guard and servant in the Palace for the last three days is keenly aware of how both of those prior points ended up to be so."
Celestia pout-glared at her sister. "Less than ideal," she repeated. "But what's done is done. And Twilight IS immortal, so there is no long-term harm."
Heavily, Luna sighed. "I suppose that is true. In the end, the only lasting damage will be to the psyches of a few of our staff from hearing too much and the fact that we must now have your bedsheets burned."
Celestia nodded in firm agreement, even though her cheeks still blazed red. "Yes. Minimal harm done."
Both lapsed into a brief, awkward silence.
Which Luna broke. "So, she should be coming back to life any moment now?"
"Oh, most certainly." Celestia nodded in agreement. "In fact, she's probably a little overdue. So she'll be back right about… now."
Several seconds passed.
"Now," Celestia repeated.
Several more seconds.
"NOW," came the third mark.
The body failed to move.
Another awkward minute ticked by.
"Sister," Luna carefully ventured, "You're certain Twilight Sparkle is immortal?"
"Of course she is!" Celestia beamed brightly as she nodded. "Absolutely, completely certain!"
Another minute passed as Celestia smiled and Luna stared at the body.
"...Almost absolutely completely certain," Celestia hedged.
Twilight Sparkle's corpse continued to remain dead.
"...Oh damn it," Celestia finally admitted.
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i remember this from way back! the excellent dry humor and awkward end reveal more than made up for just how much i hate what the originating phrase being a thing says about human-world (thanks for highlighting that by the way)
i don't know why i have such a weakness for these types of jokes, but i do, and this one was my favorite
Well, it's certainly a unique take on a popular premise. I like it.
The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with either a dead twilight or a live discord." - princess celestia
To be fair, that is probably the best way to go out.
What were her last words? "Oh yes more!"
Here lies Twilight Sparkle death by snu snu
At least you can say Twilight went out with a bang!
Okay I'll leave now....
Uh, well, that was...
Okay, who's going to explain this to Spike?
Huh.
"Is there a necromancer in the castle?"
Mother of God...
Though if anyone can survive a seventy-three hours of marathon sex, it doesn't surprise me that it's Celestia.
We all know this will end in shenanigans and Discord laughing his ass off. Possibly with Celestia having to embark in a quest to get her soul back or somesuch.
And then having to do it again because they did another marathon to celebrate the marriage
At least Twilight died happy. Maybe too happy.
10901969
And Shining, Cadence, Starlight, Sunset, the other Elements, and pretty much everyone else Twi was close to.
Now some
onepony needs to test Cadence's immortality.What is the bet that Twilight is taking so long to come back because she is questioning the grim reaper’s ear cavities into bone meal
Where's the necromancy spells when you need them?
10902208
Shining Armor will be up for the task just need plenty of juice
10902239
no bet
I rarely upvote a story as it has to be something pretty unique and amazing to be worth it. This? This was certainly unique. Not so sure about the amazing part but certainly unique! At the very least it got me to laugh and for that, it deserves an upvote.
I am guessing she's not dead, she's just bothering death with endless questions. Or if she is dead then Death will revive her just to stop the incessiant questions!
I don’t know what I expected from the store but it wasn’t exactly that good job
In Memoriam, Edwin Edwards? He died less than a week ago.
10902539
Entirely coincidence, I assure you. (I actually didn't know he died until you mentioned it.)
Given the cover art I came in actually expecting a little grim reaper to show up, since I've read stories with Twilight speaking to literal death before. But this was rather amusing— got some good chuckles outta me.
And I agree with 10901840— when literally experimenting with death there needs to be medical assistance nearby. Twilight of all ponies should've known that. I betcha there was, but they all got tired after the 48-hour mark and figured, "Meh, she's good." And Twilight was probably uncomfortable having ponies come and take it in shifts— only so many should have the honor of witnessing two princesses doing the horizontal tango (at least in the waking world; my bet is Luna's seen that plenty of times...).
10901840
Twilight has failed as a scientist, Celestia has failed as a mentor, and both have failed as intelligent beings.
10902328
It would make an excellent second chapter to this one--ideally by Twilight resurrecting right as they are about to lower the coffin to the hole at the cemetery patch.
...
Or when she's already buried.
10903083
There is a MLP fan comic like this. Twilight asks the Princesses if they are immortals, they say no but explain how the idea got in ponies heads. A botched assassination failed to kill Celestia but made her appear dead, but she was buried before the poison wore off and had to dig her way out of the gave. Ponies witnessed her breach the surface.
10903102
I remember a fanfic posted here which had what I wrote happen to Celestia as a consequence of finally getting a nap ... and being confused with being dead.
Cue Luna, Twilight, Cadance and even Discord trying to get the throne while she is still inside the coffin, hearing it all.
Yup, as you heard it--the other princesses were competing for who gets the throne while Celestia was in the box.
There was a similar one--but it was a consequence of a prank war gone wrong ... hell, they may be one and the same and I forgot about the details! I know I read it back in 2017 ... now I'm sad 'cause I'd like to read it again.
10903083
10902868
I have never heard it phrased like this and I am delighted that this combination of words exists.
10903216
Really? That expression has been around for a LONG time.
10903190
Thanks for the youtube embedded post, it was hilarious!
10903102
I just found the story I mentioned! Here it is!
- MLP: Comic
- Comedy
- Random
- Slice of Life
After starting the day by raising the Sun, Celestia was sure that nothing could possibly ruin her day. Unfortunately for her, something had happened to her sister. She really thought Luna would have learned after the last time.I hope you enjoy it!
Edit: Nevermind, it isn't the one I remember, but it is still a funny one-shot.
Edit the second: Alrighty, I just found it! Tested and proved to be the right one!
- MLP: FiM
- Comedy
- Random
- Slice of Life
Celestia is totally exhausted working hard day in day out, and eventually decides to use magic to get herself some much-needed rest. The spell she uses is a mite too powerful though, and isn't she in for a shock when she wakes up....10903190
Ahh yes this is it, if I made mistakes this will correct them.
Perfect story title.
Oh that was priceless!!
Well...
...it WAS a wonderful way to go!
10902004
My money's on Discord making sure to keep Twi distracted by shiny experiments in ghostliness just to make Celly panic.
Bruh