Letter to the Princess
Dear Princess Nightmare Moon,
I write to you as your humble servant, Applejack. Obviously you are well aware of the current food crisis. I’m not blaming you for not letting the sun out—I always liked the Moon better, honest. But the famine is still an unfortunate reality and you’ve tasked me with finding a solution to it. It’s been mighty difficult to grow food ever since you took over (again, not blaming you, I love the Moon) and now we’re finally seeing the effects of the lower crop yields over the previous season. I and many other great farmers and horticulturalwhosits have done our best to increase productivity and find fruits and vegetables that will grow better in the current situation but we don’t have much to show for our efforts. Sorry.
It’s because of that that I started thinking about other possible solutions to our problem. I didn’t want you to send my family to the Moon because I failed you, even though I’m sure we’d all love it up there because the Moon is so wonderful, so I’ve really been working my brain muscle hard over at Nightmare Moon’s New Apple Acres.
By the way did I ever tell you how much I love the new name you decided to give my farm that was built from the ground up by my family?
Anyways that’s not the point, if I spent the whole letter gushing about all the ways you’re great and how much you’ve improved Equestria, well I’d be writing this thing all night. So let me get to the point. I believe I’ve come up with a great, sensible, simple, and very easy to implement proposal for solving the famine.
Why don’t we just eat the unicorns?
I know your first reaction to that might be to think it’s crazy, but hear me out.
This aint just me having too much to drink or nothing, I really thought this through. Every foal in Equestria learns about Hearth’s Warming Eve and how the three tribes came together, right? Certainly you know the tale—you were there. Or at least you were alive back then I think. I mean I’m pretty sure you were. Well back in those days the three tribes had a balance between them, all of em did different things for the others even though they didn’t really like living together or fraternizing or nothing. We earth ponies tended the soil and growed food to eat, pegasi managed the weather, and unicorns were in charge of moving the sun and the Moon. But nowadays, earth ponies and pegasi still do their jobs as ponies, but unicorns haven’t done their traditional job since the founding of Equestria.
Ever since Celestia your sister that other one came into the picture, she took over the duties of raising and lowering the sun. And then when you came back, a night I always treasure in my heart, you decided to keep the Moon permanently up there. Have I mentioned how much I love getting to constantly see the Moon yet?
Do you see what I’m getting at though? We don’t use unicorns for nothing. They’re kind of just there aren’t they? Sure I guess magic is useful but is it really as necessary in your night to night life as growing food and taking care of the weather? I was thinking about it and I don’t think so. The three tribes all had an equally important function, but then Celes that other one took their job from them and let them all sit around cushy like for a thousand years! And now with you back they’re even less important to Equestria.
And so, since I don’t want nopony going hungry, why don’t we eat them? And if you don’t want to go all carnivore all of a sudden, which I’d understand, most ponies probably don’t if I’m being honest, we can still use em for fertilizer. Crops might grow better with unicorns mixed in the dirt. Maybe their magic might do something? I dunno, just throwing out some ideas there now. But if we do eat the unicorns or use them for fertilizer, even if it doesn’t help the crops it’ll mean we only have two thirds as many mouths to feed in Equestria! That’ll solve the famine problem right there! The way I look at it, everypony wins.
Except the unicorns but I’m sure if you tell them it’s for the better of Equestria they’ll be alright with it. I know I’d be skipping if you told me I was doing something good for you, Princess. That’s just how much I, and my entire family, is loyal to you. We love the Moon. So I’ll hope you take my proposal into serious consideration and see that there’s no need to horribly punish me for failing to successfully grow food in a permanent forever night.
* * * * *
“Applejack, what the fuck?” Rainbow Dash said as she finished reading the letter, lowering it and staring at her friend in slack-jawed disbelief.
“Look, I was mighty drunk when I wrote that letter, it’s not supposed to be a serious thing, ya hear?” Applejack said.
“Well I would hope not!” Rarity yelled at her. “Eat the unicorns? Use us as fertilizer? Applejack, what is wrong with you?”
“I’ve been a teensy bit stressed out lately trying to deal with the famine,” Applejack said as she bit her lip and rubbed the back of her neck. The three of them were inside Nightmare Moon’s castle, Applejack having been called in tonight to hear the Princess’s response. An angry Rarity had greeted her upon arrival and then Rainbow Dash had found them and wanted to know what was going on.
Applejack then frowned at her castellan friend. “Besides, I don’t see you coming up with any solutions for it.”
Rarity sputtered and grew red in the face, clenching her jaw and glaring angrily at Applejack. “Wha—you—I—t-this is not a solution at all either! This is insanity!” Rarity growled and ripped the letter from Rainbow Dash’s hooves, tearing it to pieces. “I can not believe you would ever write something like this even when inebriated! What about Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom?!”
“I do feel real bad about that...” Applejack wilted.
“Ohhhh, I’m sure you do. But not nearly as bad as I feel right now! To think you actually gave the Princess that letter!” Rarity stomped a hoof.
“I-I wasn’t meaning on actually sending it to her, but uh, I guess I kind of forgot about that when I hit the cider a little too hard… hehe...” Applejack awkwardly grinned.
“And thanks to you being the Agricultural Minister of Ponyville, that letter got sent straight to Nightmare Moon without anypony fussing about it at all! What if she actually decides to implement what you proposed, Applejack?!” Rarity yelled. “Do you realize that after reading the letter she casually gave it to me and told me to call you here while she wrote up an answer? Do you not know how paranoid this is making me?!”
“Look, Rarity, I know the proposal wouldn’t be good for you, but do you really think Nightmare Moon is crazy enough to actually do what I wrote down?” Applejack asked her.
Both Rarity and Rainbow Dash just blankly stared back at her.
“Umm… well, yeah,” Applejack coughed. “S-Sorry, that was a dumb thing to say.”
“Only one of many dumb things from you as of recently it seems,” Rarity said.
“Yeahhhh I’m gonna have to agree with Rarity on this one,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Hey! I really spent all night thinking about this stuff!” Applejack frowned. “I think the proposal makes a lot of sense—it’s just horrible.”
“Using unicorns as fertilizer does not make sense!” Rarity yelled so loudly she almost shook the walls. Her bun was starting to come undone through pure frustration.
Before Applejack or Rainbow Dash could say anything else, a door down the hall opened up and another guard of Nightmare Moon’s came walking towards them. He had an envelope held in his mouth and he walked straight towards Applejack while not paying attention to the other two at all. Stopping in front of her, he leaned his head down so she could easily take the envelope from him.
“From, uh, from the Princess?” Applejack began to sweat.
“Yes, her answer to your farming proposal,” the guard said and just as swiftly turned around to leave.
The trio stood there, all of them staring intently at the white envelope. For one of them in particular, that envelope possibly held the future to a horrible death.
“W-Well Rarity, even if Nightmare Moon does agree with my suggestion, she still really likes you so I’m sure you and Sweetie Belle will be spared,” Applejack chuckled uncertainly.
Somehow Rarity grew paler and her pupils shrank down to pinpricks as she stared at Applejack.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and grabbed the envelope. “Just give me that—I’ll open it.”
She tore the top of the envelope off and opened up the letter inside, Applejack and Rarity squeezing in beside her to read it. As it turned out there was only a single short sentence written down:
Pony meat doesn’t taste good.
N. M.
“Whew!” Applejack said and wiped away the sweat on her brow with a smile. “Well aint that a relief?”
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Well, you thought correctly. This was pretty fun.
I suspect that Nightmare Moon realizes that the letter wasn't written by a sober pony. The constant repeats of how much they love the night do point towards Applejack being drunk.
Does that mean Nightmare Moon agrees with the fertilizer idea?
Ahhh such a great fic! You got me laughing all the way through!
...So, how exactly does she know that?
11492899
Look at those fangs and that evil and tell me she wouldn't have tried.
11492899
Trial and error. You live that long, you get opportunity to greatly expand your horisons.
Nightmare Moon: “This whole bucking thing is leading to me either raising the sun or killing everypony, isn’t it? UGGGGHHHHHHH…”
I kind of like imagining Nightmare Moon as being less “evil overlord” and more “petulant teenager” as a ruler, at least on a day-to-day basis when her game face isn’t on.
11492899 Look, it was just a few nibbles and the other pony liked the process...
11492871
Mirror pool
11492995
11492983
AJ wants horny horses to come and fill her with their meat
11492871
Well, unicorns were technically the ones who headed the governing body way back when, so being full of shinola is probably their forte
You don't just eat the unicorns, you grind up their horns for magical powder and sell it to import food from abroad. Everyone wins! (except the unicorns)
Replace 'unicorns' with 'rich' and then she'd have something.
this was good. and I'm a unicorn enjoyer
11492983 Every once in a while I toy with writing a Nightmare Moon story which begins: "My Diary, Day X5. Still queen, dammit."
Quite a modest proposal.
11493140
The original Modest Proposal was (satirically) suggesting eating the poor.
11493086
They wouldn’t have day-night cycles anywhere else either lol
Why would the rest of the world have food, though?
The other half of the world might have sun, but I’m sure they’ve all dehydrated to death by now
11493220
Or was Swift really just masking his desire to eat babies behind satire so he wouldn't be judged
NMM is lying. Ponies are delicious. Just ask the griffons.
But pegasi are the MOST delicious! Sweet and tender. Just ask Pinkie! She has a GREAT recipe for using them in cupcakes!
11493380 We could ask the WEF, since they're legit eating babies.
11493086 Tell the Chinese it's an aphrodisiac and you'll get $10,000/gram for it!
11492899 She asked a vegan. Who LIED!
Ponies are tasty and we should all eat them.
Pray they never invent A-1 sauce
Horse meat does have a certain flavor. Not bad mind you but it definitly needs pepper and salt.
11493200
Get writing that story.
11493454 I've tried. It's a cute idea, but it just won't write.
11493220 You have your Jonathan Swift, and I have my Motorhead. (Or Aerosmith if you prefer the cover.)
11493086 There aren't as many Chinese billionaires as there used to be...
That's...a really chilling response...
Well, there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying until Celly eats all the cake.
11493200
NMM: "Seriously, I never thought I'd win long enough to actually need to THINK of the actual logistics of my plan. How was I supposed to know the pony needed to stop me tripped down the stairs rushing to my sister, hit her head and ended up comatose a day or two before my glorious return?"
11493639
And the science gets done and we make a new sun for the ponies who are still alive!
11493674
lets be real here, if NMM promised Twiggles access to the whole canterlot library she'd have flipped in a heartbeat
Well that is silly and delightful. Those dimensions brought to us by Starlight need some more exploration.
11493395
”Gasp” I am offended. Most of us don't even need such thing. There are just far too much work to be done nowadays. And …that we spend lots of time online now, but the point is that we have much better things than that. You'd have more luck selling those as drugs in like, I don't know, Mexico.
11493512
Well the society has so many people to feed and educate, so it's normal that things need to balance out a bit. shrugs
11492976
11492995
11493086
11493140
11493554
11493393
I love these comments
11493727 *watches you buy 100 kilos of Unicorn Dust... to then distribute in Mexico!*
Mmmmm-hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! 
11493745
Lies and slander! Just because most of us doesn't have access to a bunch of foreign websites doesn't mean that we will allow such insult happen when we see it!
No, I am serious, one of my friends unleashed their rage on an artist just because that artist they follow drew a picture about ponies abusing drugs.
Mom pick me up I'm scared
11492995
"Some backsides may have been gobbled."
11493511
The short description actually uses the words "modest proposal" which I'm pretty sure qualifies as a statement of intent.
11493639 11493694
This was a screwup
I'm making a note here- big mistake
Why did I think I could be the ruler
My little ponies
Are so very hungry, also tired
Everybody's sick to death of fresh mushroom soup
But a queen can't admit when she got it wrong
So I'll keep pretending I was right all along
Just fake it all while I flash a huge smile
That scares ponies who are still alive
I'm doing a queen's work
Keeping my ponies safe and sound
(Why isn't there a monster when you need one??)
So why can't my ponies
Figure out farming- that's their job
Why can't they find a crop or three that grows by moonlight
But I won't be discouraged by their ingratitude
Though the looks that I'm getting are a little bit rude
Why can't they see I'm right about my eternal night
My ponies who are still alive
Who am I kidding
I've made a huge mess- bucked it up
Now they've started talking cannibalism
I sent a memo
"No pony meat, please- it tastes bad."
(Faust I hope nobody asks how I found that out)
Being absolute ruler isn't one bit of fun
If this keeps up I'll have to bring back the sun
And my sister will go, "Lulu I told you so,"
In front of the ponies that are still alive
But at least they are all still alive
I managed to keep them all still alive
I mean, even Granny Smith hasn't died
(Send a guard to check that she's still alive)
(Still alive? Still alive)
11493220
The Poor's babies
11493812
And the award for best poem goes to.... “Still Alive” by Kris Overstreet!
I adore that Applejack's "Honesty" Element comes out in the form of pure undiluted sarcasm. Since it took her a day to come up with a response, I think she either went and tried pony meat herself, OR, asked another creature that had had it.
Oh my WORD XD;;;; And the final implications... I feel like Nightmare Moon crafted that reply SPECIFICALLY to freak them out more
Glad I'm not the only one that thought "huh, unicorns don't actually do anything critical for Equestria's existence any more since the alicorns showed up."
11493768 Then I shall BLOW UP THE PLANET!! (The Freeza Solution to any and all problems...)
i.pinimg.com/originals/3b/81/55/3b81553e66657443e2a12ed7d57b36d4.jpg
What do unicorns really provide to pony society anyway?