Twilight finds an old TV while walking home from the Everfree Forest. She shows it to her friends and they all get sucked into it and are transported to a bunch of different movies. Will they be able to survive each one?
Twilight finds an old TV while walking home from the Everfree Forest. She shows it to her friends and they all get sucked into it and are transported to a bunch of different movies. Will they be able to survive each one?
What's the limit of the film. Can it have a lot of violence, Gore or does it have to be a friendly movie.
Dragonknife5 It can be any movie, I'm just going by a Wikipedia list. So expect a few age ratings.
Not gonna lie, the story had a lot of potential, but is severely lacking. You desperately need an editor to help you with expanding on descriptions and explaining scenery and characters (especially writing the characters accurately)
Just a few examples: (edit: yes, a few examples along with an entire guidebook on how to solve the problems đđ )
Knowing twilight, I feel like she wouldâve reacted a lot more to seeing a TV than this. Sheâd probably start fan girling (if thatâs accurate, I guess what twilight does can be described as fan girling, or at least very similar. Rainbow was just saying sheâs being an egg head) and also starting to ramble about how it could possibly work, start pushing buttons and maybe moving the antenna and then Spike be like, âoh, donât you think our friends should get to see this too?â Twi responds, âoh yeah, right, of course⌠letâs go!â Aka, showing her friends and noting that itâs old will not be the first or only ideas in her head at the moment. Possibly rewrite it like this:
For the top paragraph, there needs to be a better transition between the scenes (I know that I just rewrote the previous scene, but it still needed a smoother transition even before that. Possibly add to my rewrite âSo Twilight dropped the TV off at her home and went to find her friends.â) The original transition was just very abrupt. One moment theyâre observing the TV, then they immediately take it home without any further investigation or thoughts (again, unlike Twilight, unless she said something along the lines of taking it to her lab for further observation. She does have a lab, remember? From the episode where Twilight is trying to figure out the science of Pinkieâs Pinkie sense).
For the second paragraph, the major problem here is that absolutely everything is narrated. Maybe if this wasnât how the entire story went, itâd be fine. But just about everything in the story is narrated rather than described in depth or âaliveâ so to speak. So either here or, more likely, everywhere else you need to describe more whatâs happening rather than saying âthis happened and that happened.â
Yet another example of narrating completely the events that happened rather than building out the story. This wouldâve been a good opportunity for some dialogue from the other characters. Instead of saying, âher friends burst through the door and asked her what she found,â it should have dialogue like Rainbow Dash noting that she got everyone here and so now what was this awesome thing she found? The others should also ask Iâm written dialogue what was exciting Twi so much that she had to show them all? One of them, maybe Pinkie, could note that it must be pretty special. Then when Twilight brings it out, goes âta da!!!!â and Rainbow has the same reaction as Spike: âYou called us all here for some old looking box?â Which would show confusion rather than just saying they were confused.
Nine? Um, typo I guess? Or someone needs to learn how to count (unless some other ponies secretly transported with them and there are now three innocent bystanders who have no idea what has just happened and never got noticed⌠cool possible idea if you wanna use it for extra comedic relief.)
Honestly, Iâve never seen the movie, but I have read the books and this seems a bit⌠wrong, somehow. It doesnât sound like something the Great Sherlock Holmes would say⌠Itâd almost be funny if he deduced right away what they were, how they got here, neglecting only one thingâŚ
âOh, you talk. Elementary, of course you do.â Sherlock said, quickly regaining his composure.
I donât recall Sherlock being the kind of guy to state outright that he is the greatest detective, at least not without following up with a note that he did not give himself this title (obviously the books would describe him as such because itâs the authorâs opinion), heâs probably thinking it though.
Character: Written correctly
Scene: dull
Instead of saying they had a little chat, perhaps describe what the chat is about. Maybe they start talking about theories of thought and logic, maybe this conversation makes Rainbowâs head hurt, perhaps Pinkie is just bouncing around exploring the surroundings, Rarity admires Sherlockâs trench coat, Fluttershy still has no idea what is going on and tries to talk to the pigeons outside the window, and AJ considers an apple on Sherlockâs desk as ânot as good as the ones they grow at homeâ or something random like that. Thereâs a lot of gray space in âhaving a chatâ that you could work with and have fun writing about!
I wonât quote the rest of the story, but it all follows the same patterns of the characters not being described in character (primarily, Sherlock being shocked and confused about everything happening. He could at least make a deduction rather than just saying out right âoh, I donât know and I have no ideas.â Itâs more than easy enough for him to deduce that somebody is just trying to scare him or steal something important as he would be aware that he has a lot of enemiesâŚ) and the scenery/events being very blandly described as merely happening rather than exploring it in some depth.
Like I said before, the storyâs premise has a lot of promise and there is a lot to work with to create an amazing story! It just seems underutilized and undermined by the lack of description and abundance of narrative. Iâd suggest getting an editor to help bounce ideas around, make sure the characters are in character, and make sure the story doesnât come across too stiff.
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Listen this is my first alright? Sure it may not have the best story telling, but I tried ok?
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No worries, I wasnât trying to be mean in any way. I was just giving some constructive criticism along with practical examples of what you could do to improve. Most people would just stop at âBoo, bad story!â, but I gave you the best criticism you could ever get: constructive criticism
I never expressly said the story was bad, or that your writing was bad (First stories are hard. So why not accept advice on what you can improve on for future stories?).
As I said twice before in my last comment, you have come up with a great idea for a story, but just need some more help/improvements executing it (whether you get an editor or just go back over and edit it yourself).
Have a great day! And try not to let yourself get discouraged. You can still write amazing stories! Practice is everything.
(P.S. Movie suggestion: What if the mane 6 got sent to Castaway on the raft just as Wilson was lost at sea. Forgot the guyâs name, but he just lost his best friend. How cool/chaotic would it be to have 6-7 new friends on his raft! Of course, it might start sinking then⌠yet more comedic relief! đ)
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Well thank you for that h appreciate it. Iâm doing films in random. Up next is Who Framed Roger Rabbit and I havenât even finished the first chapter. But like I said thank you for the criticism and Iâll try to do more better, I canât make any guarantees tho.
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Cool! Never seen that movie before, but I have heard of it.
No problem! I donât ask for guarantees, just that you never stop growing as a writer đ
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You can watch it on either Disney+ or YouTube Movies. Itâs free on both