A talking rifle. Gameplay programmer and aspiring writer. Writes stories with whimsical humor, stories with looming conspiracies and HiE that pokes fun at his choice of school/study.
Dear Princess Celestia,
So I woke up this morning and - GASP - I am you! What is going on!?
WHAT HAPPENED!?
I AM FREAKED OUT!
Your loyal subject,
Pinkie PieP.S. Oh wait, I am sending a letter to myself! Silly me!
P.P.S. PRINCESS CELESTIA, WHERE ARE YOU!?
P.P.P.S. WHAT DO I DO!?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hi and welcome to my first published fic! Please kindly point out any spelling, punctuation and grammar (SPaG) errors. Also, please point out any problems with the narrative structure and flow, I really really need the feedback on those.
Thanks.
To be honest, this isn't my best work so far as I didn't do as much planning as I'd liked but I'll continue editing it.
An intriguing idea, shall follow
/
This is gonna be fun... 
As far as I can tell, this is the only thing wrong:
Should of course be "mane", buut otherwise, I think it's fine.
This can only end in complete and utter disaster...
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Thanks for your comment!
Actually, that word is a synonym to "face" (mien, that is, mein is actually German "my"). I guess I should remove it, it's likely to confuse a lot of readers.
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I can guarantee you that Equestria won't end up half covered in confetti... may be.
I am mightily amused. Finally the eternal question shall be answered.
Can Celestia bake?
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Dear Luna
wont some pony please think of the cakes
1444056 Dude seriously stop posting that advertisement, it's annoying!
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Maybe...
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I'm not sure but msdoisdf might be a bot.
1449681 I don't know if he's the only one who's posted that comment but regardless he should be getting kicked for it.
Well, this is something I like. I'm actually surprised I didn't see this earlier, this is an awesome premise. Pinkie Pie as Princess Celestia. This can end either horribly right, hilariously wrong, or a combination of both.
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Two words for Princess Pinkie Pie: Wildcard Ruler.
Oh, and thanks for favourite and comment!
Equestria is doomed
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Not if Luna could help it but she's running out of sleep...
What is this? Chapter 2 is up!? And there's an OC in it!? Oh no, the fic is ruined!
Okay, okay. Jokes aside, the plot is starting to kick in and I'm liking where I'm taking the fic to. Hope you guys and gals would enjoy this new chapter. =D
As usual, please post any SPaG errors and feedback!
A mysterious character appears! Is she an imaginary friend given life and power by Luna's loneliness before her transformation into NMM?
A spirit of temptation and wish fulfilment with an unhealthy obsession over the Lunar Princess?
Some form of magical pastry?
Cadance or one of her relatives screwing around with magic they shouldn't?
I can't wait to find out!
“Oh, silly Luna, I’m not Celestia.” ‘Celestia’ gave Luna a wide, open mouth smile. “I’m Pinkie Pie!”
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I'll totally go with the magical pastry. Pinkie Pie would love love love it!
Too bad the thing that would make her happiest is for you to disappear. FOREVER!
Well well well, sinister things be afoot! Or ahoof, whatever.
cadence you evil...evil
1745000 Cadence have you been experimenting with magic that you shouldn't have been experimenting with?
Yay! Pinkie being pinkie in Celestia's body!
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Thanks for being so patient.
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Wut?
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*Rubs hooves* Yes... Yes! Muahahahahahaha- I mean, yes. Something sinister is ahoof. =x
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Cadance! What have you done!?
Um... What did I do? I'm not even scheduled to appear until chapter 4...
Shhh...! You're spoiling stuff! D:
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Yay! You noticed!
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Referring to the mysterious voice that wants Luna to be Happy. She would be happy if the voice went away forever.
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Ah. Well, maybe. Or maybe Luna will just yell at her to Stop Helping Me.
... I'm wondering. How are you people hearing about this fic? I haven't advertised much of it other than a select few places and currently it's buried about 60 to 70 pages in the Browse Story section and I'm still getting views (sporadic, but still trickling).
Chapter 3 is up! The OC now has a face and name, read to find out! =x
As usual, please point out any Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar errors!
Outside of Sugarcube Corner, two pegasii, one earth pony and one unicorn waited impatiently. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash hovered near Applejack while Twilight Sparkle paced nervously under the awning.
Pegasi inly has one i
“I-I’m sure they’ll here very soon, Twilight…” Fluttershy said.
missing a word between they'll and here
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Thanks for pointing out.
Hmm, I've always spelt plural pegasus as pegasii but it seems that you're correct, thanks.
Wow only 4 chapters in and already things are hitting the fan.
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Yes, it escalated quickly and this marks the end of Act 1. Next up is an interlude and a slight breather Act 2 where all involved party tries to find a way to stop her and find out who she even was.
The third chapter got into the feature box, that is how I heard about it
Ciao darling
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O_O I was featured!?
A djinn? I wonder why no one has thought of this before, that's brilliant!
One thing I want to point out is that Shining Armor was specificly named a prince in TCE. Just a minor nitpick.
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Yes, the spirits are woefully underexplored. So far, there is a plot point with another specie (related to Windigoes, residing in the Badlands/San Palomino Desert) in Earth and Sky and a minor expansion of the Windigoes in Nyx's Family.
I'm tying them (the spirits, that is) into the world I'm building of which Of Sunshine and Laughter is part of and I'm working a one-shot regarding their origins for the January Wiritng Contest held by the World-Building Alliance.
Regarding the title, I am aware of that, actually. I modeled it off the western monarchies in which many of the Princes Consort are styled Prince anway. Case in point: Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (Prince Consort to Queen Elizabeth II). So basically, Shining Armor's official title is Prince Consort but is called Prince in practice.
Oh, and thanks for the fave by the way.
First thing that went through my head.
Pinkie as a powerful goddess of the sun. This can only end in one thing...
Laughter.
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Yeah, I kind of realized it when I wrote that line but I couldn't think of a better wording.
Attention will be back to Pinkie after the Interlude (Read: Chapter 4). Expect... shenanigans.
Also, thanks for the fave.
We interrupt the regularly scheduled comedy to present a Wham Episode—
Oh, silly Garand! The comedy has stopped since Chapter 3!
What? No way, there’s—
One gag and a running gag! That’s too little comedy!
Pinkie… What are you doing out here? You should be in bed, waiting for your next scene!
Oh, Cassia told me the batteries to the taser I gave her was running low so I went and got her more!
… *Eye twitch* You were the one who gave her that taser!?
*Taps chin* Well, she said she needed one to stop a pesky pony!
Pinkie, she shocked me with that taser.
Aww, I’m sure it’s all in good fun! *Waves hoof dismissively*
Pinkie, getting shocked by a taser is not “fun”. *Sighs* I think you’d better get back to the bed. Your scene is starting.
Okie dokie lokie!
Well, anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, the Wham Episode. This is my take on the infamous (or maybe famous for fans of a certain dark mare) Thing in the starting of the Pilot and a bit of backstory regarding Cassia and Luna.
Also, I’m experimenting with a slightly different prose, I wonder how that turns out. Oh and forgive me for my probably rather inaccurate Early Modern English.
Once again, please point any Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar errors and give feedbacks (especially the Early Modern English parts)!
Hope you guys enjoy this Interlude.
Intresting.
now that was cool D:
Holy... This is good. though sad at some points
1571622: My thoughts exactly!
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Glad you all like it!
@vren55: I've always thought Luna's descent into Nightmare Moon was more tragic than sad, but that's just me.
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20071211021524/aceattorney/images/b/b3/Sprite-atmey.gif
ZVARRI! It is time to detect and overlook this work of fiction with naught but my cunning brain and skill!
Chapter One - Some errors caught with my eye.
court-records.net/animation/atmey-confident(a).gif
Well, that was a nice little introduction into the premise. Besides the two errors that have been nabbed by my intellectual intelligence, this is well done!
Chapter Two- Error Catching
An unusual way to do a flashback having it all in italics except for some parts in said flashback.
ZVARRI! The non-italics are the thoughts of Celestia! But why are they not in quotation marks? Clearly Celestia is talking, albeit to herself in her mind. It would be like myself without this lovely ring on my finger!
court-records.net/animation/atmey-monocle(c).gif
This mystery of such proportions sets my own mind tingling with anticipation! What is this mystery mare? What is her purpose?
Chapter Three - The Read Over
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Cassia... How quaint a name. According to this report, its a feminisation of the name Cassius. Cassius as according to this means 'empty' or 'hollow' It certainly fits with this added villain.
Chapter Four - An Interlude of the Past
court-records.net/animation/atmey-monocle(a).gif
Hmm... that was touching. I almost wonder what would happen to Cassia if Luna was not so foolish as to let this agent of chaos to taste its purpose? REGARDLESS! I believe that this is a wondrous piece that helps illuminate further into the character.
RESULTS -
Another tale that does more than what was bargained for! This is no mere 'Swapping Body' story, this is a plot of intrigue! Suspense! Mystery!
With such minor flaws, it is easily glanced over. It is much like the ring on my finger, it shines brilliantly and looks well, but without a flaw or two, it is nothing more than another piece of jewelery. How great is this star that rises to the heavens, just as I, Luke Atmey, Ace Detecti-
Ok, I'll cut the act. I will say that this could be seen on the show, an episode that reveals both the past of Nightmare Moon's beginning and the continued plan of Cassia to bring about chaos yet again. This comes with high recommendation for anyone wanting to get into a theory into the past of Luna and Celestia's first confrontation and the confusion that will undoubtedly happen if Pinkie somehow learns how to utilize the magic that now is available to her.
Listing the Negatives -
- Despite my enjoyment of the story and its premise, I would've liked to see more confusion from others as to why Pinkie wasn't acting herself, I mean Celestia as Pinkie in this case to avoid confusion.
- Perhaps this is my own preference, but I like for villains to have clear goals unless they are subject to otherwise such as Discord. The fact that this is one of the things that came from Discord sort of comforts that lack of goal being put out, but I would want to know why Cassia is doing this. Is it to put Luna back on the throne as before? Is it for vengeance? I hope you can answer these questions soon.
Listing the Positives-
- The level of detail is just right, not too much that it's distracting and not too little that forces you to use more of your imagination than necessary.
- I enjoy that the B Plot is so intricate and you keep it just revealed enough to have readers keep going, despite my preference of wanting to know what the main purpose behind this B Plot and its interaction in the main story.
- You have minimal errors, and for me that's nice. I'm not hung up on every fifth sentence seeing the same error or something else entirely, so keep up the level of commitment on that front.
Here's to your continued work that you may continue inspiring other readers,
Luke Atmey, Ace DetectiveQuick Fixfc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png
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Thank you very much for the review!
Also, thanks for spotting those errors. Semicolons are the bane of my writing existence.
That's stylistic choice on my part (and partly influence from works by Tom Clancy and John Birmingham). To be frank, I find thoughts written with quotation marks confuses the readers (or at least it confuses me as it becomes difficult to differentiate between them and flashback dialogues). Maybe there's still some confusion over the italics? What do you suggest to improve it?
Nice catch with the name. The basis of her name certainly started that way, but it actually references something much, much more mundane (Hint: Look at the cover art, then check the Wikipedia disambiguation page for Cassia) and it's very subtle.
Thanks! I try to strive for Original Flavor the best I can when I write. I'm frankly a little worried that the existence of Cassia detracts from that (if it hasn't wrecked the canon already).
This I agree with you wholeheartedly. I feel that I kind of let myself down for the lackluster characterization of Celestia and the resulting reaction from everyone in Chapters 2 and 3. But barring a rewrite of those scenes, I don't think there's a good way to salvage them.
Well, you have to wait until the second Interlude for your answer since it's written from Cassia's perspective. Cassia's current goal is very clear: Give Luna her eternal night. However, her motive and her current personality discrepancy won't be revealed or resolved until the aforementioned second Interlude or at least later on in Act II (next chapter is the start of Act II). Another hint: Look closely at Cassia's dialogue when she speaks to Celestia, notice any difference between her usual speech? And what do you think it implies? And all I will say is that Discord isn't involved this time.
28 weeks...that's a looooong interlude.
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Yeah, Cassia doesn't even want to tase me anymore.
...one year
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