EDelivering on Sweetness & Beyond

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Random
• Slice of Life

When Derpy and Crafty Crate deliver a package to a parallel dimension of sweet and innocent ponies, things go awry, and Ocean Mist, protégé of Kimono, learns a lesson as she overcomes her limitations to help them out

• Derpy

abrony-mouse · 12k words · 150 views

Chapters published while I write this review: 1

So for those who wonder while I review a Slice of Life story, today something unusual happened. I got a very nice and polite request-PM to review this story. The author actually read the reviewers' thread and informed me why they thought I could be fine reading their story and even took into account that I dislike SOL normally. So, since I can’t say no to such thoughtful-friendliness, here we are :

Summary: 
Two delivery ponies from Equestria get their wagon stuck in G3 pony land due a mishap.

Analysis: 
Like SOL stories have it, this one tries to make the mundane normal everyday stuff into something interesting to read. Did it succeed on that? Well, I wasn’t bored when I read the story, despite my highly dislike for the SOL tag, that's definitely a good sign. However, there wasn’t a ‘spark’ either which would cause the story to stick out of the mass.

The setting is alright, starting with the usual explanation and introduction of some of the main characters. It is written in a lovely way, pacing and sentence length seems alright, though it tends to get a bit overcomplicated in its descriptions and extends the use of phrases a bit much for my non native speaker taste. While the main storyline is easy to understand and the plot is simple, I had to wonder a few times and re-read certain parts to understand the details.

In terms of the characters, the g4 ponies are fine. Derpy being derpy and Crafty is used as the contrast, being a bit more rough and masculine. Their interaction is a bit more realistic than it would be in the actual show. They have more in depth reason for their actions and Derpy actually has more to tell, which is a nice touch. Also the author added a few quirks to the characters to spice them up, which kind of works. However, if one would expect a cannon-like Derpy comedy story, they would be disappointed by these changes, so keep that in mind if you are considering reading it for the ‘Derp’ factor.
Since I haven’t seen the g3 show, I can’t judge the g3 ponies by their behavior. I only can tell they are shy, sweet and a bit bungling, but in a nice way.

*

Well, since only one chapter is published so far, I can’t really tell if this is worth a read or not. The groundwork is okay, the storyline makes sense, but if there will be further great character development, interesting things to happen or any entertaining occurrences, I don’t know. 

Rating: 

I will skip the rating for now. There isn’t enough story written yet to see where this is going. The author says it’s going to be 4 chapters. So far, this is the prologue it seems. The starting point for the story to base on. Like I said, it is okay, the groundwork is done, now it is in the authors hands/hooves/claws to continue from here.

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Wow, that was fast! Thanks for the review :)

There's a Lot of food for thought there in terms of both its strengths and weaknesses as I continue to revise the chaps and generally learn how to write pony.

And any ponies reading this, I would <3 any feedback on the chap!