- Member Since 27th Jun, 2023
- offline last seen 15 minutes ago
AndyHunter
I'm not the DJ or the guy from EastEnders. I am the brony, skater and the fanfic character one.
AndyHunter
Joined 27th Jun, 2023 ·
Offline
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They told me the balefire bombs burned green and bright, but all I see is a giant purple thesaurus looming over the landscape
11825843
The only people who have the right to make these types of comments are my friends, we insult each other, we say ugly things to each other, but all for fun. But the thing here is that I have no idea who the hell you are, so how should I interpret your comment? Put yourself in my shoes for a few seconds. Of course, you were bored, you only read the description and that joke came to your head to try to be a clown. So, do that with other people, because with me, I won't tolerate it from someone I don't know.
11825904
I read the intro and prologue, and my first impression of it as a writer is that you need to drop the exceedingly flowery language and try to tell your story more concisely. It’s okay to occasionally throw in words that your readers may need to look up in a dictionary, but you’ve gone far beyond that level.
If you accept criticism only from friends, and those friends aren’t willing to offer sincere critique, or themselves do not know enough about writing to do so, then you will never learn anything valuable from them. What you really need is to consult a style guide or two and learn by example of professionally edited works.
11825992
Well, I've been writing this way since last year, I think since November, and no one told me anything about my style of narration being too flowery, it's the first time I've received a comment like this. I'll see what I do, since it is difficult to satisfy everyone, since there may be people who like it, people who don't like it.
That's not what I mean, your comment cannot be taken as criticism, you were just trying to be funny, if you really want to give criticism, be serious and point out point by point what is wrong with the story.
11827273
Sorry dude, but I'll have to delete your comment.
Original comment: Seriously, though. Bro(ny)'s writing like the Star Wars screen crawl.
Not to mention the cover art looks like it's got ads on it. Aspect ratio making it look like a cheap clickbait ad for malware-infused mobile games.
Reason: Being disrespectful towards my art.
And making the covers takes hours of effort and sweat, so you come here and say those bullshit about mobile games and malware. Because, of course, everyone can pay a commission or draw digitally overnight, according in the alternative world you live in.
11827418 Deletes comment, then reposts comment in the reply
Looks good to me.
11825992
So what you're saying is the words are too much for you to understand? Maybe, idk, get a broader vocabulary?
11831356
If you put one-tenth the effort into reading comprehension and understanding narrative construction as you put into attempted wit, you might grasp what I meant in about ten years.
11831430
I don't think someone with a story that barely cleared double digits should be giving anyone advice about anything to do with writing.
11828963
You do know the ads are part of the site, right? You're probably too new to the internet to know that everyone already knows most ads shouldn't be clicked. Even legitimate sites will have bad malware ads, simply bc they pay to have the ad. That's capitalism.
11831525
I’d invite you to read To Bellenast, because you might be able to learn something from it... but I wouldn’t want to be a massive waste of your time.
Does this story have any other superweapons named after famous paintings?
11842438
The curious dude.
I'm not sure, but most likely not. The Mona Lisa literally exists on MLP, and I think it's a cool name, so I said, why not?
11825904
This is pretty tame feedback compared to some other shit I've seen. Ya got to grow thicker skin if you're gonna post your work on the internet. Don't let it stop you from writing your story. But you should also try to take comments like this in stride. People might be dicks sometimes but there's usually a bit of truth in their criticisms.
11901794
I know bro, I took his feedback into account and tried to strike a balance between being direct and poetic. The story is on hiatus, not because of the criticism, it is the lack of interest in this story, Mona Lisa is very difficult to write because some of my characters have accents (British, Patois, German and several others) and I have to do too much research regarding slangs and common words in those countries, I spend hours on Google Maps, since most cities are pony versions of real cities. It is very difficult to write and not receiving feedback is not very motivating, I want to know what people think of my creative ideas, that's all, but I still plan to continue Mona Lisa, but this story is very physically and emotionally exhausting to write and I want that it is worth the time I spend writing it.
At the start I need to point out that I've read only some parts of the story and skipped over others, just to see if it's a story to my liking. I probably missed some details and you should take this comment with a grain of salt.
First of all this feels like someone took two completely different stories and smashed them together.
The first story is about a Stable Dweller named Stardust Glitter leaving her Stable for the first time to go on a quest in the dangerous Wasteland. A pretty common theme in Fallout:Equestria stories but not necessarily a bad one. We get some glimpses of her life from her birth to the time she leaves the Stable which is a good way to introduce the character to the audience.
One thing I like about the character is how unprepared she's for the dangers of the Wasteland. As soon as she comes across her first monster she panics and has to be saved by another pony. Then her savior turns out be seriously injured and in dire need of medical help and Stardust doesn't know what to do. She's (rightfully) scared about going into an abandoned hospital - which always seem to be deathtraps in Fallout: Equestria stories – full of monsters and only decides to do so after Lollipop passes due to her injuries. There probably should've been a bit less back and forth between Stardust and Lollipop, because it's gets really repetitive, but overall her portrayal as a pony way in over her head works pretty well. Then she enters the hospital and we're suddenly in Silent Hill, rape scene included. We also have pony versions of the Iron Maiden from Resident Evil, which is a pretty cool idea.
However, there are some serious flaws, too. The main character's motivation seems pretty weak. Why does she wants to leave the safety of her Stable and travel through the dangerous Wasteland to Sparkle World? Because she has always been obsessed with the place since her childhood? That's pretty naive but I can buy it as motive. However, her parents and the rest of the Stable should know that this is a really bad idea. This is not a funny little field trip. It's a dangerous journey throughout the Wasteland. So it would make more sense for Stardust to either pull a Littlepip and leave the Stable against the orders of the Overmare or to give her a stronger motivation to go on her journey. Personally I would prefer the later over the former, because it would make her more likable.
Then we have the monster descriptions. Don't tell the readers that a Centaur is a Centaur and an Iron Maiden is an Iron Maiden. Stardust doesn't know that. Just give use a description of the creature and if you have to reveal it's name, have a character like Lollipop tell her how the creatures is called (in case of the Centaur) or have Stardust stumble upon some notes about the creature (in case of the Iron Maiden).
Also please put some trigger warnings before chapters with explicit scenes. Especially if it contains rape or fetishes (like water sport) than aren't everyone's cup of tea. "If you have read other FE fanfics, you will know what I mean." is really, really vague. Especially since there's a wide variate of stories with different levels of violence and sex.
Then there's the second story which feels like it takes place in a different setting. An AU where Blackjack, Glory and Co are actors and PH is just an action-comedy. Now calling PH an action-comedy is as accurate as calling Games of Thrones a romantic comedy. But since in this universe PH is a made-up story, I guess there's less rape, murder, dead foals and gassed Stables.
Of course this also begs the question why any studio would make a radio show about the made-up adventures of a bunch of randos from the Wasteland. That seems as likely as me going to a movie studio and tell them to make a movie about me and my friends being super spies and them actually agreeing.
Overall this part of the story also feel like we suddenly walked into a different setting. Blackjack and Glory live in a city with bars, cars and movie(?) studios. They even have tourist from other countries. There's nothing in the story that makes it feel like it takes place even remotely in the same universe as Stardust's adventure. Glory's chapter amplifies that feeling even more because her helping
Little JacobRastafarian Zebra taking out a rival gang feels like a GTA mission.And speaking of Glory: That's not Glory. Her hating Blackjack with a deep burning passion because of Blackjack screwing up is believable and an interesting development. But the rest? She hates her family, except her mom, because her family wants her death which is a stark contrast to how they are portrayed in PH. She doesn't has any medical skills or wants to help others. She's actually into stallions. She gaslights Blackjack – who in this story has none of the combat skills of the original Blackjack, which makes this a bad idea – into murdering ponies she don't like. To put it bluntly: The only thing this character has in common with Glory is her name, color pattern and that she was once friends with Blackjack.
Now Blackjack, on the other hand, still feels like Blackjack. There's the familiar misery, self-loathing and alcohol abuse. Not much to complain about her. And she' comes across as far more sympathetic than Glory.
The rest of the crew is notably absent. Rampage only makes a short cameo appearance and has no lines, despite being a childhood friend of Blackjack and Glory. The others are only mentioned as having moved on to other things with the implication that they are actors. Which is a a shame. Would've been interesting to see this story's take on P-21 (Why would he even have that name in this story?), Scotch, Boo and Lacunae.
So overall this story has potential but there are some serious flaws to hamper my enjoyment. If I could make a few suggestions here's what would recommend:
11901961
Thanks for your comment Perky Ears, I'm glad you took the time to read my story, I suppose you know how difficult it is to write them, I don't have editors or proofreaders, so this whole process becomes even more complicated.
I understand that Stardust's motivation is not the best, but I wanted to start "Family Friendly" by having a simple dream of going to Sparkle World and for the story to become darker as the chapters progressed, then ideas and more began to occur to me. ideas, such as creating realistic and complex versions of other FOE characters such as Blackjack and Morning Glory,
The radio shows try to imitate the dark humor of GTA where I satirize social and political issues (based on those of my country and not USA specifically). It was a creative idea so that my story wouldn't be too dark.
My story handles many protagonists, it does not focus solely on 1, there are 10 protagonists and I have to create arcs with each of them, that is why I cannot focus on just one.
It is also to add variety and so that the story does not feel very similar to others, one day the moment will come where all the protagonists know each other, the story is in a very early phase.
PH is considered an action comedy, because PH can be repetitive and resort to shock value so much, subtracting the impact of the scenes and sometimes coherence to history (such as chapter 33 - 34, which motivated me to stop reading PH, by that I could no longer take it seriously and I could only enjoy it if I read it with the perspective that it is a satire to post-apocalyptic movies and not a serious story)
I wanted to avoid making the same PH mistakes, here I simply make little criticisms towards the original story, but I understand that there are people that like PH despite its flaws.
I know sometimes it feels like a GTA but remember I'm just trying to be original, plus it was fun learning Patois and creating Linus, all the zebras in this story have a Patois and an African accent, it's also to add realism to my story.
I didn't add warnings, because at first I added those scenes for "shock value" (But now they have a impact in the story) to see if people would react and comment, I know it was a dirty move, but when I can I will add warnings, now that I know there are people reading this, I could be more considerate.
I did write a few (not so great) shorter fanfics but that has been a loooooooooong time ago. At least 20 years. So I would be lying if I claim that I fully understand how much effort it is to write a lengthy fanfic. Still you don't need to be a writer yourself to know that it's a lot of work and that a lack of readers/comments can be disheartening.
Stardust already had a mental breakdown and was raped by a Centaur in Chapter 6. So that got real, dark real quick. Why not have a gradual introduction to the horrors of Wasteland? Start with the character being forced to kill a Raider and having to deal with the fact that she just killed another pony. Or have her come across some gruesomely disfigured corpses. Introduce the horror slowly instead of having her raped as soon as she entered the first place outside of her Stable.
Spontaneously adding new ideas to your story can work and improve a story, but it's has to fit in. And sadly right now it feels like Stardust is over there in the Fallout: Equestria universe, while Glory and BJ are two dimensions to the left in the GTA universe. Not saying it can't work but right now it truly feels like two different stories in two different settings.
Yeah I got strong GTA vibes from them. The Power Ponies show immediately reminded me of Kung Fu Rainbow Lazer Force.
I was never really a fan of the fandom portraying Zebras as black people. So Fallout: Equestria making them Romans with shamanism and Homelands fleshing them out even more by splitting them into 13 different tribes felt like a breath of fresh air to me. But that's just my personal preference.
11902043
At that time, I was frustrated that no one commented before I planned to write that chapter. I thought that people wanted more gore, violence, and dark moments like that, but I also tried to show the emotional consequences for the characters, in this case, like the mental breakdown of Stardust.
My story has dark moments, but they were very few, and I tried not to go overboard with them by using it all the time, so I decided to raise the level a little.
And I think I exaggerated a little with her, I mean, it was just Stardust's first day outside the Stable, and she was already trapped in space, she was raped, she is traumatized, she was swimming in a sea of menstruation, all that in the first day.
Therefore, I am going to lower the level a little, because I don't want people to say that my story is a "Project Horizons wannabe"
I understand why you think that; I think it hadn't been mentioned yet, but not all cities in Equestria were bombed; some are more habitable than others, and in those cities entertainment things are produced, such as radio shows, TV shows, and other goods.
The Stardust and Lollipop sides retain the typical essence of "exploring the wasteland," while the Morning Glory and BJ sides are more action-oriented and show life in livable cities.
At least I'm glad that for now, there are no contradictions or inconsistencies in the plot, that has me a little worried, mainly because of my condition, I tend to forget many things, I even forget the names of my characters and I have to read the chapters again to remember.
You know I found this story interesting but then the first comment I saw included rape and I knew this story wasn't for me
11902172
Sorry bro, I knew what I was getting into by including rape in this story, it's a serious and disturbing topic, I'm sorry it makes you deeply uncomfortable, but I hope you're interested in another of my stories.