Follow the Instructions

by Online account

Screw 130102

“Ah’m tellin’ ya, featherbrain, screw 130102 is this one.”

“AJ, this can’t be right. We only have two of those, and the instructions say we need four! So it’s gotta be those ones.”

“But can’t ya see the thread count? T’ain’t even the same length! Those itsy-bitsy screws won’t hold nuffin’! You use ‘em, and that chair o’ yours will be all hat and no cattle.”

“Okay then, smarty pants, if you’re so sure of yourself, then where are the two other screws? The back hoof support needs FOUR screws, not TWO! I may not be the smartest, but I do know how to count!”

“... Ah dunno, Rainbow. Mahbe they forgot to pack ‘em and what you’ve got yourself with this here chair is a big ol’ defect?”

“Psshhh, that’s just loser talk! If you’re gonna help me, then I don’t want to hear any excuses like these.”

“Y’all know ah’m happy to lend a hoof, Rainbow. Ah really am-”

“Good! So let’s keep going then.”

“Hol’ up missy! Ah was gonna say, s’much as ah’m good at buildin’ stuff and all, followin’ teeny tiny pictures an’ part numbers n’ such, t’ain’t my speciality. Why dindja ask Twilight? Readin’ instructions makes her as happy as a pig in mud.”

“I thought of that, and I did already!”

“Didja now? So... where’s the lassy?”

“Gone, AJ! She left ten minutes after we unpacked the parts. That egghead took the extended warranty, the terms and conditions agreement, plus the ad catalogue of the store’s other products, and had a nerdgasm all over them. Began doing a whole lot of reading and very little building.”

“Alrighty, that checks out.”

“Why do you think I went to you next? I can’t do this on my own, AJ! I’ve never assembled stuff in my life! I’m a pegasus: Flying fast’s what I’m good at! Not... mashing sticks together in a specific order.”

“Don’t mean to pry, girl, but why start now, then? Why you playin’ the amateur carpenter all o’ the sudden?”

“... No reason.”

“Rainbow.”

“No, I’m serious! I’m just, uh... trying to broaden my horizons? Hehehe...!”

“Rainbow.”

“Alright, alright! Miss ‘I’m the Element of Honesty,’ ooooh~! I’m building a chair, cuz I only have one for my dining table at home, okay?”

“Oh, expectin’ company?”

“You could say that, yes. Look, can we go back to building? Screw 130102’s got to be somewhere in this pile of material.”

“Mmmmh. Say, ya think them missin’ screws could be in that lil’ bag by your back left hoof?”

“Wait, huh? Hang on, let me... Yes! That’s them, I’m sure of it! Look, they match the picture perfectly! ... I can’t believe I was sitting on them the whole time, bleh!”

“Aw, don’tcha beat yerself over it, Dashie. ‘Tis an honest mistake.”

“Yeah yeah. I’m just glad we can keep going. Now all I need is this L-shaped thingy-”

“Ya mean the hex key?”

“Yeah sure, whatever you say. I need to use it to attach this support to the hoofrest and- Ponyfeathers! It’s not the right size! The tool doesn’t fit, argghhh!”

“Say, Rainbow?”

“What? What is it AJ? Did you find the right hack key?”

“Hex key, Dashie. And ah, nope. I was just wonderin’, who is it exactly that y’all are havin’ over?”

“Ugh, this again? Look, AJ, we’re kind of in the middle of-”

“Ah ain’t turnin’ another screw ‘til you spill the beans, pardner.”

“Oh come on! Don’t turn your back on me! I’m running out of friends to help me with this job. Can you imagine Pinkie of all ponies trying to put this thing together?”

“This be how it is, girl.”

“Alright alright, sheesh! I invited, um, Soarin over for dinner. Now where’s that stupid sax key?”

“Ah’m sorry, didn’t quite catch that. Y’all are gonna have to repeat whatchu said with a lil’ more pep.”

“... You’re unusually cruel today, Applejack, you know that?”

“Just tryna yank the truth outta mah stubborn friend.”

“You want to poke at my private life? Fine! It’s Soarin. Okay? It’s Soarin! I asked him out, and invited him to have lunch at my place. There. Happy? Satisfied? Can we build a chair now?”

“Well, butter mah withers an’ call me an apple fritter! Our lil’ Dashie’s found love! Why didnja tell me and the girls sooner? That right there ain’t sum lil’ league stuff!”

“Because I- Look, sigh, this is too recent to me. And I can’t believe I would EVER say that in my life, but it’s all moving too fast!”

“Ah reckon! Still, that’s a monumental step! And ah know you’re gonna knock it out o’ tha park. Y’all are all suited up for success.”

“I know that! I know that I’m awesome and that I have nothing to fear. It’s just this annoying chair! That’s the only thing standing between me and my uh, my date. What, am I supposed to tell him to sit on the floor? Puh-lease! This may come out as a surprise to you, but I do have manners!”

“Ain’t doubtin’ that for a sec. So when are y’all seein’ your handsome stud?”

“Please don’t call him that. And I told him to show up at 5 PM.”

“What, someday this week-end?”

“No, today.”

“...”

“What?”

“Consarn it, Rainbow! That’s an hour away! We’re already past four! Why didja wait ‘til the last possible moment to get yer rump into motion!?”

“Hey, it’s not my fault! I ordered that chair right after Soarin and I made plans a week ago, and it only arrived today! Their delivery speed is abysmal, if you ask me. Total shame!”

“Wait, hol’ up. What in tarnation are ya yappin’ about? Ah ain’t never heard of any furniture store in Ponyville that can place orders, let alone do deliveries.”

“Oh, it’s a big store I spotted on the outskirts of the town earlier this week when I was doing some sick moves in the sky. Kind of weird, since I haven’t seen it before. But when I went in, they had a lot of cool stuff, so I was like, ‘hey, what the hay,’ and bought a chair. They didn’t have it in stock, but it was the coolest looking model they had. And if I’m going to impress Soarin, then I want only the most awesome stuff I can get!”

“Say, Rainbow, that store, didja catch the name of it?”

“Sure did! I remember it cuz it was weird. It was named Ikea.”

“Ikea?”

“Uh, yeah? That’s what I said. I think it’s some kind of foreign language or something. It’s also ran by these weird tall biped critters I’ve never seen before. They said they had just recently opened a new branch in Equestria to draw in more customers. Something about a survey and potential hot spots for selling merchandise, making their shareholders happy, blablabla, boring egghead stuff. I was basically ignoring them by this point.”

“... Does Twilight know about this?”

“Well, now that she’s hoarding the catalogue, I assume that she does. Look, I love chatting with you and all, but I can’t help but notice that we’re not building anything right now.”

“That’s cuz you ain’t holdin’ the pack of screws 130102.”

“Um… yes I am? We’ve been over this already. Try to keep up! We’re not exactly moving at Wonderbolts speed, here.”

“Horse pucky. That hex key that didn’t fit none? That be the one for screw 130102. So if it don’t match, that’s cuz you have the wrong screws. Again.”

“... Applejack, please restrain me, because I’m approximately three seconds away from stomping this half-built chair into a wooden pulp.”

“Awww sugarcube, don’t be like this. What would Soarin think if he saw you throwin’ a hissy fit?”

“P-please stop mentioning him! I’m still- I’m still trying to process what they hay is even going on in my life right now.”

“Y’all are as red as the juiciest Cortland right now, hehehe! You do realize ye won’t be able to keep this to yerself forever, right? Gotta come forth to the rest o’ the gang down the line.”

“I know! I know that! Just... Let’s just finish this dumb chair first. That’s all I want.”

“Mahbe you oughta go back to that Ikea thingamajig and tell those two-legged swindlers that your kit came incomplete?”

“No way! Because then, that’s admitting defeat! And Rainbow Dash doesn’t lose to a chair!”

“Well, we’re still in a pickle then. Ya really gotta learn to put your pride aside, sugarcube.”

“Pride!? Pshhh! Pride is for wannabes. I know I’m awesome. You might wanna throw in the towel, but I won’t. My night won’t be ruined by a stupid screw that doesn’t exist. Now hold the hoofrest, I’m hammering that screw in!”

“Hammer that... You’re off yer rocker! Ya can’t hammer in a screw, let alone the wrong one!”

“The hay I can’t!”

“Ye giblet head, yer breaking the-”

“Steady! It’s almost in-”

“It’s creakin’ hard, that’s gonna snap-”

“It’s working, AJ, just-”

“Stop it!”

“Never!”

“Rainbow!!”

“Hush!”

“Um, girls?”

“WHAT!?”

“W-whoa... Um. Am I interrupting something? I can come back later, if you want.”

“Oh. Nah, sorry Twilight. Rainbow was just bein’ a burr in the saddle and ah lost mah cool for a moment.”

“Yeah uh, I’m sorry too. But look Twilight, my technique worked! And it looks awesome. Ha, I’m good at this! Who needs useless instructions, am I right?”

“Weeeell, actually, speaking of instructions, I’ve just finished reading the specification sheet for your new chair. Very interesting! I’ve never seen something so intricately designed, so ingeniously put together. Dash, you’ve got to show me the store where you bought this from, because the manufacturing technique they used is immaculate! Seriously, did you know that they get the tiniest parts machined with a plethora of standards, some of which are-”

“Ah’m gonna stop you right there, sugarcube. Was there a reason why you asked us earnestly? Cuz Rainbow still has another hoofrest to butcher, and we ain’t out o’ hot water yet.”

“Oh uh, sorry. Didn’t mean to ramble. But yes, I came here for a reason. Dash, on the specification sheet I was talking about, it stipulated that your chair was not EQ-Cloud certified. Did you know anything about that?”

“Tch. Uh, duh? Of course I knew this, o-obviously! ... But just for uh, AJ’s sake, mind telling her what it means?”

“Well, essentially, it means that it wasn’t built to be housed on cloud surfaces. You’re not... planning to install it into your home, I hope? Because it’ll just fall through the floor if you do.”

“...”

“...”

“Ummmm, AJ? Can I interest you in a chair? It’s already 50% built. How’s twenty bits sound?”

“Ah’m goin’ home.”

Comments

[OP]

Comedy chads, we are so back.

[FarnesyFudge]

Beautiful. Really nailed each character's pattern of speech.

[BestinDworld]

Huh thought this said they were trying to put a car together reminded me of that Johnny cash song where he and his buddy stole car parts over the years and when they try to put it together it goes horribly awry

[Scriblits Talo]

This deserves a like for the short summary alone
Well done, I look forward to the read