The Deserts of Aysyria have a long history with the people of this world. A history that Twilight Sparkle finds herself caught up in.
When Discord breaks free form his stone prison he seeks revenge upon the elements. Twilight, now trapped on a crazy and barbaric alien world, must find a way home in time to save her friends and Equestria.
If only that task were as simple as it sounds…
Part One of Six stories following each of the Elements as the try to find their way home.
Set before the episode “Keep Calm and Flutter On”.
Thanks to OnederMan and Legofan24 for pre reading.
(Note: This fantasy story isn’t set on Earth as we know it and is in no way meant to offend anyone of any beliefs, race or nationalities, no matter the similarities.)
Chapters (7)
I think its the human screaming . A unicorn in persia were evil meat eaters called karkaduns.
1955074 Quotes would be easier but I believe I’ve got them. The last thing I want is to portray humans as evil. Just stupid from Twilight prospective at least.
Thanks for pointing out the errors, and for the like and favourite
1955708 Thanks
1955765 I attempted to write a story heavily involving karkaduns, but I could never get a start what I was happy with, it also went through several different plans and I still don’t really know how the story would play out. I’m set on this one though.
1959967 I think I would like that. Thank you.
1960163 Well, even if you’re not an editor any help is better than none.
Oh, and I use Word 2010. I'll PM you the chapter once I think it's done.
You also have a typo in that comment
Jeez! How did this manage to get 2 dislikes with only 5 likes(including me)?! Oh well, I'd just write it off as 2 people who saw that it was tagged as 'Human' and immediately disliked
. If that isn't the case, I hope that if anyone dislikes again that they would at least leave a comment saying why they disliked this story.
Edit: Dang it, I hate it when I see something I missed when I was looking over it before-hand
1998197 What did you miss?
2001540 nothing big, just one typo.
"Robert answered, imminently regretting the words before they left his mouth."
Should be immediately. Again, nothing big. BTW, when do you think you will be finished with the next chapter?
2004123 I’m working on it now. Hopefully it will be done by the weekend.
And thanks for the typo. I really am terrible at little stuff like that.
2004143
unfortunately, I may have missed a few others because I was severely sleep-deprived when I was looking at it. I promise I will do a better job on the others and might go back to chapter one too.
This story as a lot of potential ... I'll keep an eye on you
.
Here have a mustache
!
As for the Alternate Universe tag, just say it took place before that episode.
I can only guess what the last two lines are, but not the first two.
Let me translate it for you, Dear Miss Sparkle:
And Did Those Feet In Ancient Time
Walk Upon Albions Mountains Green
And Was The Holy Lamb Of Solis
On Albions pleasant pastures seen!
2046276
Correct!
(I like your profile picture by the way)
Nice story! My only problem with it is that it's a little simplistic, but still cute. I know that my writing is simplistic too. It's a cute idea, and you are a talented writer. Twilight is in character, and this story is a good read.
2069158
Thanks, I’m glad you liked it.
I’m trying to make the next chapter less simple, but it may be another week or so until I’m done.
Also thank you for the favourite.
2069177
Sorry I didn't review, but I think that posting a comment is more personal, and I prefer them. If you want a review, I'll definitely write one.
You should consider writing chapters in advance in case something happens. I'm almost done with "Dash of Loyalty". Soon you shall discover why I have the "Tragedy" tag. The next Act is really dark. I felt awful while I was writing it. Parts of it are just...ehhhh. It's not sexual though! Swear!
Enough about my story...sorry I got off topic. I can't wait for the next chapter! I'm sort of shipping Twilight and Robert; just a little bit. I can't wait to discover what happened to the other ponies, and I feel absolutely awful for Twi. Keep writing!
This review made on behalf on the group Authors Helping Authors
Story: The Lion and the Unicorn
Grammar: 8
Pros:
Interesting story and characters.
Flows well; not rushed.
I'm intrigued.
Comedy is not forced.
Twilight is in character.
Cons:
Small grammar issues; mostly comma misuse, but it does not detract from the reading experience.
There were a few minor spelling errors.
Robert seems to be a little too accepting of the fact that Twilight exists.
Great story! I love it! I've been hoping to find a good story about Discord messing with where the Mane 6 are instead of the elements, and I've finally found it. As I said, it is paced well, though it would benice to see where some of the others of the Mane 6 are before continueing the Twilight story arc. This should build suspense without depriving the audience of an enjoyable read.
With regards to grammar and spelling, get yourself another prereader, and that should fix that up.
I've got one last comment for you. It'd be nice to get into Robert's thoughts a little but; try to get the readers to feel sympathy for Robert (and for any future main humans for that matter). This should help with intense character development and will make the overall effect of your story greater.
This is just my opinion though, so continue the great work as you see fit.
Hope this helps!
Legofan24
2069536 Thanks.
I wanted to have this story focus on Twilight’s adventure. The other’s will each have their own separate story. I will do them someday, but I want to focus on Twilight first.
As for your second point, I do have a pre-reader. Could you point out an example of the grammar and spelling issues?
As for Robert, I agree. I’ll take a look at it.
Thank you again.
Right. Well, here are a few errors that I found (bolded text is what you wrote, the line underneath is the suggested fix):
Chapter 1
And I haven’t been unfair on you Twilight, I chose each world.
Replace 'on' with 'to'.
The draconequus snapped his fingers and in an explosion of light vanished, leaving the unicorn alone in the sand.
Should be a comma after 'light'.
It was then twilight noticed how hot she was, she wiped the sweat from her forehead before adding, “And I need to get out of this sun.”
This should be broken into 2 sentences. Replace the comma after 'was' with a period.
The journey seamed to drag on and on as Twilight walked into the sunrise.
Wrong 'seamed'. Should be 'seemed'.
Chapter 2
He wore similar clothes with to Twilight’s surprise the same sun mark on his tunic.
'to Twilight's surprise' should be separated by commas (...with, to Twilight's surprise, the...)
The taller equine simple stared at it.
'simple' should be 'simply'.
I've only looked through chapters 1 and 2 right now, but I'll do 3 later. As I think I said earlier, the errors were small, things that having two or more prereaders would fix.
I apologize for assuming that this story was going to include all six of the Mane 6's adventures; I don't know why I assumed that.
Again, great story, can't wait for more!
Legofan24
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Lion and the Unicorn
Grammar: (8/10)
Overall, the grammar issues don't detract that much. A few consistent things I would like to point out are:
1. I saw it once, but when I saw it again I figured that I should point it out. When your characters say "Of course" you write "Of cause". I'm not sure if you're going for an accent, but it seems a little off.
2. It was mostly fixed after the first chapter, but there were a few dialogue issues near the beginning. I had the same problems myself for quite a while!
-Most notably, an ellipses (...) does not end a sentence. It kind of functions like a comma with a longer pause. To end a sentence, use an ellipses and a different finishing punctuation (Like .... ...? or ...!)
-Overall, the flow seemed to stutter some at the beginning, but after the first chapter, it really began to sail along quite smoothly. Also, I saw the correct use of a semicolon! Bonus points!
Pros (list three pros)
1. Characters! You have a good grasp of your cast so far. They interact well and make everything flow well. Your main strength seems to be interaction, since the flow was the best whenever there was more than one character on the metaphorical "screen".
2. Humor! Again, goes hand in hand (hoof in hoof?) with interactions. Your timing with jokes is spot on so far!
3. World building! I don't often read alternate universe fics and such, so forgive me if I was a little skeptical at first. But just mentioning the Crusades was enough to make me wonder. You've done a nice job of setting up the world with just enough hints to know that there'll be some real dissonance later between Twilight and Robert's fanatical loyalty. Way to play your cards close to your chest!
Cons
1. One story-related thing I wondered about was how much Twilight realized about what was going on, especially when Joey talked about fighting with shiny sticks and stuff. It may just be me, but I feel that Twi would have realized just how violent things were and taken things a bit more seriously.
2. Word choice. There were a few sections that I felt could have benefited from some variety. The main one that stuck out was in chapter 2, where Robert said something unsurely, and then immediately afterwards Twilight felt unsure of herself. Try not to use the same word too often or too close together! That being said, don't go crazy with a thesaurus either
3. Grammar in general. The basic story structure is pretty sound, but the punctuation and dialogue errors here and there keep it from being solid. I know that editing is a real pain (I'm a composer, I spend every 9 hours editing for 1 hour of composing!), but it's extremely important.
Notes: Pretty much said everything so far. The characters all stand out in their own regard and interact realistically (as realistically as magical purple unicorns can be~). Some spicing up in the grammar department would really let your strengths shine!
2079213 Thank you.
I was actually going through creating my grammar in earlier chapters when you commented.
As for ellipses, I’ve always thought that they weren’t supposed to have any other punctuation after them. I even looked though some nearby books for ellipses and none of them had any other punctuation when an ellipse was used to end a sentence. Maybe it’s just a British English V’s American English thing.
I’m not good at editing (stupid dyslexia
), but I try my best, and I do have an editor. I’ll try working on it.
Thank you for commenting, and I’m glad you liked it.
Hey, I'm back to make some minor corrections for chapter 3. Like last time, the bolded lines are taked from the fic and the correction is underneath.
“What is so important at this time of night, Grand Liberian?” the Grandmaster asked.
There is no grammatical mistake here, but I suggest that you change it to:
“What is so important that you must disturb me at this time of night, Grand Liberian?” the Grandmaster asked.
Doing this will make the sentece seem more natural, and will make Grandmaster seem like a character that demands respect.
However, I'm unsure as to what a Liberian is, so my mind wants to think of that word as librarian misspelled. If that is the case, well, there are quite a few instances of it appearing that should be checks. If not, well, ignore this change.
His black hair was neatly swept back and a trimmed bead presided upon his strong chin.
sacrasm).
I was certain that beards grew on people's chins, not beads (
“If you require anything I’ll be in my tent.”
Comma after 'anything'.
He had lost all interested in the robed man.
Drop the '-ed' on 'interested'.
“No-no-no, you don’t understand Magic is, it’s, it’s impossible.”
Not a grammar error here, but I believe the statement would be more natural if it read like:
“Nononono; you don’t understand Magic is-it’s...it’s impossible.”
Just my take on that sentence, but how you have it is fine.
Robert was saved from having to explaining as Frank, dressed in his armor and his sword by his side, swung back the tent’s door and looked in.
To fix this, you could either drop the '-ing' on 'explaining' or add 'do any' between 'to' and 'explaining'.
“You’ll need that. Oh, and it’s best if you stop talking to yourself. People may think that you are crazy.”
Replace the period after 'yourself' with a semicolon.
“Now, um, if you don’t mind. I’d like to get changed.”
Replace the period after 'mind' with a comma.
She Screamed.
Don't capitalize screamed.
What they didn’t know was that hiding behind a nearby tent Twilight was franticly scrubbing away at her foreleg with the commandeered soap. At least she hoped it was soap. It seemed to do the job. She had been scrubbing for about an hour when he was finally disturbed.
Should read:
What they didn’t know was that, hiding behind a nearby tent, Twilight was franticly scrubbing away at her foreleg with the commandeered soap. At least she hoped it was soap. It seemed to do the job. She had been scrubbing for about an hour when she was finally disturbed.
“Doesn’t any pony, horse or human here understand simple hygiene!?”
Either make it 'anypony' or add a comma after 'horse'.
Twilight turned to him with more enthusiasm that he had ever seen.
'that' should be 'than'.
He stopped and turned to meet a glare from a brunet hair woman.
'hair' should be 'haired'.
Robert nodded and picked up the bucket, soap and towel and held it towards Catherine who starched it back from his hands.
Add a comma after 'soap'. Also, I'm pretty sure that you want 'snatched' instead of 'starched'.
“Read… yes, of course.” Robert let out an uneasy chuckle as the book was shoved into his hands.
Should be a comma after 'course'.
“But could you possibly teach me?”
Don't capitalize 'but'.
Well, that's all that the grammar nazi in me could find. Still a great story; I hope part 4 comes out soon!
2085265 That many errors!
Did I even upload the proof-read version?
Thank you anyway.
2087758 No problem. If you want to, I'd be willing to proof read future chapters for you and help you get these errors out of the way before you publish.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Lion and the Unicorn
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 8 (I was unable to find any glaring errors I could see, all your punctuation and capitalization seems to be in order).
Pros: I really like where your going with this story, it was engaging and I'm thoroughly enjoying the culture shock that Twilight's undergoing (especially her stepping in horse dung, imagine if that had been Rarity). I'm enjoying the horses interactions with Twilight (their thoughts and interpretations of humanity especially). The character of Robert so far has caught my interest and I look forward to reading more about him (though he seems to be taking the presence of a magic wielding, talking animal pretty well. Most good god fearing men of Christendom would consider Twilight to be a demon sent to try their faith, if he was a devout he might even try killing her.) I'm assuming with a name like Robert he is a member of the third crusade under Richard the Lionhearted (a nod to the title, or perhaps the lions are a reference to the Assyrians traditionally being associated with the lion.) Though I'm confused why you decided to go with a pseudo religion instead of the real thing since you're writing historical religion after all (I can only assume you wanted to avoid the baggage associated with the historical crusades.).
Cons: I found that the first chapter was rather short. I think you might have gotten more bang for your buck so to speak if you had spent more time with Twilight wandering in the desert alone (finding traces and hints of humanity along the way) before introducing the humans to the story. Not to say you didn't do a good introducing us to Robert and his horse (it's simply a matter of personal taste). I think for a crusader of probably the 13th century, Robert seems too modern in his outlook (i.e. how fast he was willing to accept Twilight's presence). Now granted she used her magic on him, and gave him the whole spiel about being real. But I think he would be undergoing a crisis of faith with facing the reality of talking purple unicorns (not to mention the heresies she mentioned, especially Celestia's mother creating the world (that's the talk of pagans and no god fearing man would stand for it)). I think more of Robert's thoughts might alleviate some of this points, (or even the horse for a few laughs). I'm looking forward to seeing how the rest of the mane six are doing, will the Caliphs take the elements of harmony for Djinn?
Thank you for your consideration, hopefully you found my critique to be helpful, or in the very least to be kind. Feel free to read and comment my story The Book of Water: The Marriage of the Slave King
2102437 Thank you for the review.
My original plan was to have the story biased in the third crusade, and the Lion in the title was meant to reference to King Richard. But after a lot of thought and ideas I decide it may just be easier to create my own world heavy based on the real events.
Discord acutely references it with the line “I was planning to send you to another, fairly similar to this one in many ways, but there were complications”.
As for Robert’s reaction and the whole religious aspect, that will be expanded upon in the next chapter. Also creating my own religion for them helps with his reaction and the story. Also Robert isn’t exactly what you would call normal. I won’t say any more in fear of spoilers.
As for the elements, I’m sorry if I didn’t make this clear in the description or the first chapter but the other elements are on different worlds and even in different universes to Twilight. They will each be covered in their own stories.
Also I was just looking at your story when you posted this. I won’t be able to read it for a few days however. I am incredibly busy… and it is so long…
Thank you again.
Yet another review from Authors Helping Authors!
Name: The Lion and the Unicorn.
Grammar: 8 Couldn't find any errors. Good job.
Pros: Everyone is in character as far as I can see, great story, interesting plot.
Cons: Oh god I suck at these.
Um, OK. I guess pretty much what everyone else is saying. Other than that, I got nothin'.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Lion and the Unicorn
Grammar: 7
Pros
-Twi and Joey play off of each other really well (Joey gets some of the best lines in your story)
-The cultural differences are quite entertaining and I find myself wishing you’d slow down to elaborate and put more emphasis on it
-The world building draws me in
Cons
-Mid-scene point of view (PoV) changes tend to disrupt the flow of the story (see below)
-Description can be a bit sparse at key times when some elaboration would have given a bit more flavour (see below)
-Grammar and word choice can be a bit wonky (see below again)
Notes Section
-“It was hot.” is a very frank and non-descriptive and sentence. It makes for a fairly weak opening sentence, never mind opening paragraph. These kinds of sentences are usually okay in other parts of the story, but the opening paragraph needs something more. It’s your first (and possibly only, depending on how finicky the reader in question is) chance to hook your reader. What I’d recommend is something a bit more flowery. Tell me a bit about this heat. What makes it so distinctive that Twilight can tell it’s unseasonably warm? You give these conclusions in the second paragraph, but because I wasn’t privy to how she felt or thought when she first became aware of the heat, they don’t hold as much impact for me as they could.
-Twi's emotions seem a bit rushed and even odd in the first chapter. She goes from horror to calm to irritation all in the span of three of her paragraphs. With the information given, I couldn't follow how the calm came into play.
-Punctuation on dialogue or narrative being cut off is an em dash or -- if you don't want to use special keyboard characters
-Twi seems a bit quick to believe Discord. She shows skepticism, then Discord just says "nuh-uh!" without doing anything to convince her, then she believes him and starts melting down. Left me feeling a little confused.
-You have a tendency to use “slowly” a lot, and it’s a bit too much to the point. If things are dragging, what about the environment or Twi’s own feelings make her perceive things this way?
-The end of chapter 1 made me both confused and smirk. The mental image is amusing, but I had to question why the human would be screaming. He’s only seeing a small, strangely coloured horse (all ponies are horses, but not all horses are ponies), which is an animal he should be used to (even if it has a horn). Twilight, on the other hand, has much more reason to freak out. Chapter 2 does give him a bit more justification, though.
-For chapter 2, the pigeon is a pretty amusing way to start the chapter. However, the next paragraph switches back to Twilight’s PoV, which is a pretty jarring transition. Generally speaking, PoV should be kept consistent within the current scene. Like if the pigeon’s PoV were used for the entire interaction between Twilight and the human, and then said pair went elsewhere, THEN you swapped to Twi’s PoV. An omniscient third person narration might be able to get away with what you did, but don’t quote me on that, since I haven’t used omniscient much. I also noticed you jump to Robert’s PoV and back from time to time and that’s just as jarring.
-So Twi can’t be seen by most humans, but can still physically interact with them. Good thing it’s not Dash there instead. She’d have a field day.
-To elaborate on the description con, the military camp is a good example. All the stuff is new to Twi and she’s a curious pony, so it feels a bit odd that the broader view of the camp gets glossed over so quickly. I’d think she’d at least compare it to Equestrian culture. Details for the humans are a bit better, but still feel rushed. Given Twi knows she’s invisible, I don’t think she’d be able to pass up the opportunity for some close observation (like the almost getting into personal space type). The way it is, Twi feels rather unimpressed with the camp.
-I’m uncertain why Twi would be annoyed by Robert trying to give her hay. It’s been established in canon as something at least she and Pinkie consider a meal with little hesitation.
-I can’t help but feel chapter 3 feels rather rushed. Twi and Robert finally get some lengthier interaction, but their reactions are rather bare bones.
-With dialogue, try not to have the first name attached to it be someone’s other than the speaker’s. It tends to make things confusing, since the usual initial assumption is that that character is the speaker.
-With regards to the word choice, be sure you know what you mean and that the word means what you mean before you put it into the story. Some examples are when you use “farther” in place of “father” and “nether” in place of “never”.
-With regards to grammar, I am, unfortunately, not the most knowledgeable when it comes to terms, but you might want to try to find yourself a basic grammar guide. It’s generally passable, but there’s some obvious flow breaking stuff like run-on sentences and comma splices that a quick look should fix.
-I find it really odd that Robert didn’t notice Catherine referencing Twilight.
This review is a reciprocation for the one done on Treasure.
The plot thickens
... must be all the cakes 
.
I saw a couple of spelling mistakes.
They all saw my outburst and where curious about why I was talking to a ‘two-legger’.”
'where' should be 'were'.
That was another thing that the Grandmaster didn’t like about the Liberian, he never revealed what he was thinking unless he said it aloud.
'Liberian' should be 'Librarian'.
Still, good chapter!
Duh. Duh. DUH!
.....DAYUM. That escalated quickly.
2155930 I like cake
2157477 Thanks again.
2158133
2166921 It’s better than 20 chapters of nothing happening
Lol, Twilight's banter with the horse and Robert is pretty hilarious
I wont lie, I laughed out loud at times.
Sorry, I've always found Twilight to be absolutely adorkable, and this line is basically the epitome of he cuteness! OMG, my sides are killing me! Sorry if it isn't supposed to be funny, but I just love the whole attitude over this fic!
good work of yours.
bur will twi ever find out of what the soap was made?
2287629 That would be a spoiler
And thank you
Looks good! Can't wait 'till chapter 6 is ready!
Ahh I'm totally shipping Robert and Catherine! I'm really happy that Twilight has a way to get back, and I can't wait for the next chapter!
2391164
what he said.
2391164 2392353 2391445 Thank you all. I hope the wait won’t be as long this time.
Late comments is late. But hey, that's what happens when you're spending 14 hours every day in the music building
Anyway, looking forward to more as usual. If I had to critique something other than some homonym issues or grammar, I would say that you could be a little more subtle with the commentary on human society. It's one thing to put a mirror in front of somebody to let them reflect on themselves, but it's another thing entirely to shove a picture in their face. So, silly metaphor aside, I'd just say go for subtlety. Like when Robert mentions that he thought the heretics were demons, that's definitely not something he would ever say out loud, even if he thought that nobody was around. I feel like having things be reserved for his thoughts would be less heavy-
hoofedhanded.2412094 I understand what you mean. Although I'm not sure what part of the chapter you’re taking about. The thought behind it was that all they've known was what they were told. And if you lived in an age of superstition and almost no education and the wisest people who you looked up to were talking about others as demons, you would be inclined to believe them.
The same thing could be said about Ponyville’s reaction to Zecora in a way. Everyone was saying that she was evil because everyone else was saying it.
Thank you for the comment.
I knew Robert went Camping without Chris LOL sorry I had to. I love the conversation between Joey and Twilight.
Yay, it's up
!
It really looks like the plot is taking a sort of Assassin's Creed type turn. And it would be incredibly awesome if, in the next chapter, it were to.