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Starlight Glimmer would do anything to defeat Twilight Sparkle, even alter the timeline itself. Unfortunately, she discovers first hoof that doing something so reckless doesn't come without consequences.
Now, stranded in a world where Discord is the unrivaled ruler of Equestria, Starlight has to find a way out. The only problem?
There isn't one.
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She's in Dissy's world now!
Ayyy this was really cool. Loved Starlight's hopelessness and fear, felt genuine. I loved it!
I love that "vanilla" writing you mentioned. A few of my stories were done without much editing I just kinda wrote it and submitted. It's sometimes really fun that way!
Meh.
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Care to explain why it is "meh", or are you going to be one of those people who leaves an ambiguous comment with no explanation? I actually like criticism, it helps me grow, so I would appreciate hearing your thoughts.
8277948
There can be no hope in this hell... no hope at all best describes Starlight's fate
8277948 8277938
Well, I did Like the story, and I clearly can't speak to Griseus' exact criticism, but my critique may be similar. If my thoughts are similar, Griseus, perhaps you can let Seventh Heaven know.
The reason I put it in my "Thumbs Up" list instead of my "Favorites" was due to what, I suppose, I could describe as a "Meh" quality. The story is fine from a technical perspective. I didn't notice any grammatical errors from my casual reading. However, there wasn't anything that interesting that I could point to as a great moment in the story. It left little in the way of impact and, at least for me, the impact of a darkfic is fundamental to it.
When I read Dark stories, I hope to find something shocking or something that gives me pause. Something fear inducing, disturbing, or maddeningly unjust. I didn't find much of that here.
I was frightened for Starlight when she first stumbled across Discord and my mind raced with possibilities. Would he do something truly terrible to her? Would he thank her for helping him create this version of Equestria and make her his queen? Would he force her to help him take over more timelines? But the fear didn't lead to anything. And I think the reason is due to a decision earlier on.
The psychological impact of Starlight realizing that she was trapped was used too soon. The end of the first section was the line "She was stuck." So, I thought that the rest of the story would be exploring her experience of being trapped. Would she deny her fate and try ever more desperate attempts to get home? Would she accept her fate and begin to convince herself that she loved the chaos? Instead, she is simply sad that she is stuck and only beginning to feel the pain of her imprisonment. That's a fine way to end a dark story, but I feel like, if the story is going to end on that note, it shouldn't touch on the point so much earlier.
Still, the scenes were well written, the characters were well written, and I get what it was going for. For a first attempt at a darkfic, I think it was alright. I was just hoping for something more.
I hope you found this helpful.
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I do find this helpful, thank you very much!
I've never attempted anything close to a dark fic in my years on the site, so I thought I'd delve into the genre a bit and see what I could do. Looking at it, you're right about the revelation of her being "stuck there" being used a little bit too quickly. Next time I write a story in this genre, I'll try to experiment a bit more with scenes that really delve into exactly why the story is considered dark.
In this one, I was a little hesitant to do that because I didn't want to overdo anything and risk ruining what I felt was a good story.
Thank you for the advice and criticism, it was very well put!
I personally found this to be a wonderful dive into the psychological torment. The realization that entirity of the situation rested at Starlight's hooves and no one else's was wonderfully done. I get that others might have wanted to see Discord do some darker things, but I think this was the best punishment of all. Starlight's stuck in a world of her own creation. A world where madness and chaos rules supreme, and there's nothing that can stop it. She understands that she will never be saved, there will be no hope, no chance at redemption. She's left to the tender mercies of a world that is ruled by pure madness.
Well done.
I gave my thoughts on this before, but I'll give it here too.
I didn't really feel any of the despair Starlight felt at the end there. I mean I could certainly feel the narrative trying to get me to feel it, especially here:
but there was nothing really there to accentuate that suffering, it just kind of feels forced in at the end.
What essentially happens in this fic is Starlight winds up in Discordestria, Discord gets mad about the elements, she teleports to the boutique and sees a Discorded Rarity, then Discord gives a little speech and vanishes. where's the torment? I mean the fact that she's stuck there is awful but there was no real punch to the gut that made me realize 'oh shit this is bad'.
It was good grammatically but dark wise it felt lacking. Hope that's understandable.
I wonder if Starlight will eventually attempt to befriend Discord and make him reform...
She should have ditched Twilight and herself in the Crystal War timeline, though. That would have been interesting and less dystopian than the chaotic nightmare world of Discord.
8277948 I'm going to be one those people who are not going to be shame into explaining themselves on story comment one word long. Not saying your shamming me. Shamming? Shame me me? Look I just when I read this. Just out of don't need to here m problems so i just shut about it
...
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I don't even know what that meme means? Who's is that guy? He is kinda... never mind.
...
Oh fuck I just wrote lots of words. Damn it. Ugh.
Let's copy paste time: Meh, informal, Expressing a lack of interest or enthusiasm. from the Oxford dictionaries that online one.
" I found Lost in the Static story about Sunnet Glimmer's stuck in Doscord land, meh. What ahppen to Twilghit? I miss Ms Sparlke!"
...
Fuck! You tricked me into explaining myself! Curse you sexy Seventh Heaven (who's named after charming TV show. What? I liked it. I'll drasg my cripple ass out and fight for my right to enjoy that family (I'm having some problems spelling freindly) friendly (spell check!) show), now going to have to read all your stories, probly like 'em, the betters one I'll
saywrite "neat" and mostly likely I'll find one to fav' because lets face it I don't find any problems with your writing style just the sitution of this one story, and let's be honest ONESHOTS are not easy to write!Oh yes, congrats on your marriage to come. Seriously. If you weren't a man yet, you are or will be. Good. Just assuming you're a dude. If you're not, UFCK those hypcrities. Your buying a home and rising kids and paying taxes... just like anyone else in a normal contract. You. Are. Normal. This is the foundation societies that are built on. God bless you. If you're into god... just bare with me on this.
Where was I? Fuck I don't. Meg? I haven't watch family guy in a while so I just assume we are talking about meg.
No. No. nope. I know life is tough but you got this. You'll be fine, my blood presure will rise back up, and you'll make her happy. Not literally. Your just there to help. I'm really bad at giving aut advice.
You're going to fail and that's okay. 999.999999999999999999 percent of the time it's not game over and you;re oging to learn ouch from it. Sorry for the long congrats on the marrige (I think you're getting married my mind little fuzzy on details) and wasting space on your never mind.
Congratulations on your marriage.
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At least I'm not crazy. I thought I was the only one confused by that comment.
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Edited by Vengeful Spirit.
8278341 Awkward. I'm sorry.
Would you believe if said I wasn't trolling or drinking or on legal or illegal drugs (except metoprolol, which is legal and prescribed to me. Wasn't the metoprolol. Only 12 1/2 mg a day.) when wrote that uhm... look not sure what that was. Look just assume I'm an asshole because that's what an asshole would write and I'll just leave you alone and just shut up forever. I'm sorry and I'll get some person here to ban me because that help me learn I guess.
This felt more tragic than dark, but it was an enjoyable read nonetheless. I don't read very many Dark stories myself, but Dark wasn't, on the whole, the vibe I was getting.
I feel like this story is incomplete, like it needed to go somewhere else: like, Starlight is clearly sad about this, and it's not ideal, but it's not really "dark", or even that scary: it's just a Discord Wins scenario... He's not that scary, as far as villains go...
8278799 And so DIscord, because chaos, started eating the ponies alive through the power of vore, and it was creepy and horrifying fetish fuel. The end!
That better?
8279230
No, because while it deals with the "so what?" issue, neither the show nor the fic make that believable. :P
I guess what I'm saying is this feels like 3 quarters of a story, and is missing too much of a resolution to really hit home for me...
So, I take it this is a universe where Starlight needed the scroll to move through timelines instead of Twilight? Because in the show itself, Starlight had rigged things so she'd automatically appear in the past whenever Twilight jumped back there, a little before the princess so she'd never have a chance to defeat her in time.
8279252 Oh I know what you mean. This felt like one chapter taken from the middle of a story. I just had to throw out a troll ending. Because trololo.
This dark fic seems a little mild. Yea, it's sad, but that's about it.
It's really good for a first dark fic though, just take in the feedback and improve.
So... did Twilight accidentally activate the spell on just herself or something?
Please, please, pleeease make a sequel! I was just getting excited when the story ended abruptly! Other than that, good job on this!
Not bad. Though I'd prefer that it went on longer, and deeper than it actually does, it makes me think a bit of Ellison's "I have no mouth and I must scream".
Have an upvote.
Considering all the OTHER messed up timelines she really likes lucked out by landing in Discord’s world. Besides, is chaos REALLY that bad? Certainly not worse then a world of absolute order.
Anyway, decent enough story but nothing spectacular. Felt like the story was only beginning when it stopped. 6 outta 10 would chaos again!
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That’s no escape
Hmm, I dunno. This felt a bit off to me:
Why would Discord care about right and wrong? He never did, before.
Honestly, that line made me wonder if Twilight hadn't simply managed to get Discord involved voluntarily somehow, to teach Starlight a lesson...