A brother and a sister come to Ponyville to sell weapons, the two arrive and set up shop just behind Sweet Apple Acres, and the ponies go to them to buy their things and get to know them better.
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smirker
Joined 7th Mar, 2018 ·
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other than the pacing it was a good story first like
This is an interesting idea, but the execution has several issues.
The first and most obvious issue is the constant shifts between tense. The story is generally written with a present tense, but occasionally slips into past tense. Stories are normally written in past tense, and always in a consistent tense.
Then there is the issue of excessive details. Several parts of the story have long lists in the prose and in general tend to list too many minute details. This kills the pacing and makes the text a slog to read, usually resulting in the reader skimming past the superfluous details.
Then we get the paragraph setup. You often switch idea in the last sentence of a paragraph, this is not good since the reader is easily confused by such drastic shifts. At the same time you have long stretches of dialog with minimal action.
The uneven paragraph structure also leads to a tendency to make scene transitions hard to catch. Using visual separator lines or even proper chapter breaks would drastically help here.
Then there is the issue of a emotions. There is a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. Flat out stating that someone has an emotion is bad writing and just doesn't work.
Then we get to the actual contents of the story. Not bad, but several parts come with no explanation. Suddenly showing characters doing something causes problems if there is no clear reason why they are doing it. This connects to the issue with unclear scene transitions. Another problem is that characters appear to teleport to wherever the plot needs them to be. Again, clearer scene transitions and motivations would help solve this.
Then there are the action scenes. By which I mean both the for fun competition and the finale. They both feel bare bones with a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. It feels less like an organic story and more like a list of actions that needed checking off. This is particularly noticeable with how everyone was shot during the finale.
There is also an issue with the exposition. A lot of the backstory revealing feels stilted and artificial. It's not that it's a bad backstory, but rather that it is delivered in a poor way. Maybe I am exaggerating here, it is hard to tell with all of the other issues.
To conclude, this story shows a good idea with generally good results, but it is drastically dragged down by the poor technical execution. A rewrite in a year or two after learning how to write would do this story the justice it deserves.
9733799
I was taught how to write stories like this ever since I was in elementary school, this is how I was taught to write, that every little detail matters so the reader can have a better visual. I write down the emotions because I grew up reading stories and watching shows where the characters don't show emotion and speak in monotone, especially male characters. The one thing that I did not use when being taught how to write was to never use the words "he", "she", "him", "his", and "her", I was taught to put down the characters' names instead of using those words.
9734185
Saying that the characters have emotions is still not a solution to the problem of them not appearing to have any. TL;DR: Real problem, wrong solution.
As for the details, I have to disagree. If I start skimming it's because I want to get it over with. Some details here and there help. Truckloads of details only break the flow. Everything in moderation as they say.
9734185
rule of thumb: a characther has a name and an endless number of defining traits that makes it unique in every contest it's in; use the name whenever there's a change of scene, use "he/she/it" once and up to 3 traits, then name again; stick with 2 traits per scene as often as possible
if it is a direct "male characther1" talk "female characther respond" he, she and the traits can be freely used, even in freeform to build up to something, but charather just doing nothing and talking is, and should be kept, a rare occasion, and something else sould Always be going o, ay it even be the 2 studing eachother reactions
9804169
Thanks for the tip.