Perfectly Normal
Keen Sight loved coffee.
Give him a nice, steaming mug of just about any kind of roast with a dash of caramel or cream in it and he’d be a happy stallion for the rest of the morning. He wasn’t picky.
That said, he could appreciate the variety and nuances of flavours that coffee beans possessed depending on their cultivars and processing. So, when the Kirins broke into the market about a moon ago with their own unique roast, he wasn’t surprised that the stuff went flying off the shelves.
That’s where Equestria’s Food and Candy Administration came in.
Like it or not, anything produced on that scale had to pass health and safety standards, so the FCA had sent an inspector to the production facility in the Peaks of Peril.
Unfortunately, upon his return, Greg had opted to merely scream about the awful quality of the product and fled without filing a report. Keen Sight knew his colleague; it was completely unlike Greg to be so crass and unprofessional, and he didn't want to assume that it was just a griffon thing or that he simply hated the flavour. Keen hadn’t gotten the chance to try Kirin coffee, but surely it couldn’t have been that bad.
So, Keen felt uniquely qualified and responsible when the FCA sent him to the Peaks of Peril the very next day to pick up where Greg had left off.
The train ride had been uneventful, and he was welcomed at the modest production facility with very little fanfare or panic. If they were surprised by the repeat inspection, they didn’t show it. That was good. And they even gave him a free sample!
With his clipboard, pen and coffee mug in his horn’s magical grip, Keen happily trotted along as the foremare, Autumn Blaze showed him around.
“And this is where our employees pack the beans!” Autumn gestured at several Kirin funnelling beans from a silo into gunny sacks.
Keen nodded as he scribbled away. He had to dock points for the lack of uniforms or proper work outfits, but at least that was balanced out by the universal capacity for magic amongst the Kirin. They didn’t need to touch anything with their hooves or mouths.
He took a sip of coffee and smacked his lips.
Oh yeah, that’s the stuff…
It had a rich, smoky flavour with faint, spicy notes that prickled on his tongue like pop rocks. There was also a subtle aroma that he couldn’t quite place, but the combination was simply exquisite.
“Why'd we start here, though?” he asked. “Packaging is usually at the tail end of processing. Do you have another place that deals with the raw cherries? What about drying and roasting?”
Autumn smiled. “We do all of that here as well. We just needed a while to turn the heat down a bit so you don’t get heatstroke. Come on, I’ll show you!”
That made sense, he supposed. Why bother with keeping the temperature down around the ovens when everyone on site was fireproof?
Unfortunately, Autumn was forced to leave him when another employee came and whispered something urgently into her ear.
“Sorry, there’s something I have to deal with. Just follow this corridor and you will see the rest of the processes. I’ll be back soon!” said Autumn as she cantered off.
“Huh.” Keen sipped again and sighed wistfully.
Well, if he was free to explore as he pleased, he wasn’t going to complain.
The first room visible from the corridor was separated by one-way glass windows. About a dozen Kirin sat next to huge baskets filled to the brim with bright red coffee cherries, and they were idly conversing whilst munching away. Stuffing themselves silly, in fact. Some of their bellies were already quite round.
Keen blinked and shook his head as he continued along the corridor. Maybe they had some kind of employee benefits thingy where they were allowed to help themselves to part of the produce.
Or maybe he’d somehow managed to get lost.
Seriously, the next window showed what looked like a huge sauna filled with glowing charcoal like the world’s hottest ball pit. Dozens of Kirin lay on the infernal surface, either snoozing or casually reading from metal booklets as tongues of flame caressed their backs and bellies. Had he accidentally found a Kirin spa of sorts?
Keen tugged at his shirt’s collar as he carried on. Looking at all those big-bellied Kirin might’ve awakened something in him…
He took a fortifying slurp of coffee.
Mm… so good!
The next visible room was almost three storeys high. Massive drums slowly rotated in their housings, and he could hear the steady hum of giant fans and rattling beans.
Finally, something he recognised! This must be the drying section.
Keen then frowned when he noticed the cubicles built on platforms above the drums, connected to them by large pipes. A bloated Kirin hurriedly entered one cubicle just as another exited, and the previous occupant had a regular-sized belly and a blissful smile of utter relief as he trotted out of the room.
A pit opened up in Keen’s stomach as he finally recognised that subtle aroma.
“Hi there! Sorry for leaving you. Technical problems, am I right?” Autumn suddenly appeared by his side and grinned. “I see you’ve completed the tour on your own. How’d it go? Did we pass?”
Keen Sight trembled as he stared into his complimentary mug of coffee, then took one final gulp to savour the spicy, smoky aroma of partially-fermented beans which lifted his spirits even as his brain screamed in horror.
Stars above, give me the strength to do what must be done...
His pen quivered as he brought it to the clipboard, and the memory of yesterday’s debacle came back to him in stark clarity:
The FCA’s office door practically exploded as Greg burst in, grabbed the nearest pony by the collar with both paws and bellowed right in his face:
“Kirin beans are crap!”
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#cutestcanonkirin
#kirinbeansarepoop
11618176
Spoilers, please.
11618179
Isn't it obvious, tho?
11618186
Maybe. But I'd rather let readers find out the long way if they happen to glance at comments first.
I saw it coming, because I drink kopi luwak.
That's some good shit.
Remember, everything fermented is poo.
I have a sick mind. I twigged to the gag far too early. Still fresh and strong, like mountain grown Columburoian coffee.
You should try the Beer.
To be fair, that's how I imagined a Kirin spa would look like.
*distinct lack of words*
I wonder whether anyone told Keen where honey comes from...
Ok but why is he named Greg?
11618378
There was originally a little part mentioning that Greg is a griffon, but it accidentally got trimmed out in my efforts to keep it at 1000 words. It's back in now.
11618517
Ah, that makes sense. I should not have assumed his race, my bad.
Makes sense in story lol
The word of the day is "civet" and I immediately suspected it before I even clicked the story. Especially with the memes about their beer.
I wonder if similar could be said of the little clusters of gems so prized by Rarity and her fellow fashion moguls for their avant-garde clothing designs?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2022/9/26/2954715.png
11618228
The hottest shit in town.
11618339
Nah, not sick. Just experienced.
11618354
Changelings?
11618628
SockiePuppetry did a cute(?) little comic on that very thing.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2022/12/26/3014518.png
I knew where this was going just from the fic's title. I was not disappointed.
I didn’t expect this ending at all lmao, not until they mentioned the Kirin eating a ton of those cherry things
Greg must be a fan of the Soylent Green movie, too
This reminds of the joke about kirin beer. This is not my kind of humor.
Truly a Kirin cultural tradition.
Yup. That went exactly where I thought it was going.
Honestly, more people need to learn how much of the food we eat is a product of something that came out of something's butt.
Okay, I have to say, this is a totally inaccurate analogue for civet coffee.
For one thing, it implies that the creatures that produce it are kept in even vaguely humane conditions.
For another, it implies that the coffee tastes good.
I'm just going to refer to the words of someone far more experienced than I:
64.media.tumblr.com/46fce1712d6a3c44cf136f73d726f96e/tumblr_nls7t6Qap31u754fgo2_1280.jpg
Haha, knew it! Called it 1/3 into the story and read the rest with a big goofy grin on my face as I wondered how you would pull it off
Very nice.
Can I have another cup please, dear author?
EDIT: So, Kirin beer is pee. And Kirin coffee is poo.
What else can these marvellous creatures / perfect roommates / ideal partners do?
11618628, 11618642
derpicdn.net/img/view/2019/6/19/2069572.png
Source.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/4/12/1705603.png
Source.
I have had kopi luwak. It's good, but not really worth the high price and animal welfare concerns.
I kind of want to try https://www.foodandwine.com/news/bourbon-pointu-coffee-bat-saliva.
derpicdn.net/img/2021/1/27/2538307/large.gif
My brother brought some instant packets of durian coffee back from a trip. I like the Jeruk Peruk tea better...
11618887
Given what pollen is and what's unaccounted for, I assume honey.
11618868
Fair enough. This story isn't intended to be an accurate portrayal of how civet coffee is farmed/harvested. As for the taste, Keen is an unreliable narrator. There are those who swear by civet coffee, but most agree that it's nothing special outside of its novelty.
Yeah, saw this coming
Well It doesn't take a genius to figure out were this is going, not sure if want... But still my curiosity compels me.
The start of the story is entertaining, but the end is shit.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/6/4/1749830.gif
I did see what was coming. Still laughed. Of course it works perfectly given kirins.
10/10 would have another cup, with sugar. No cream, though.
11618887
Well, you’ll never guess what Kirin shakes are made out of.
And don’t even start on Kirin smoothies.
11618239 An' if it isnae Scottish, it's CRRRRRAP!
I'd love to see this get a sequel because this was just golden.
11618706
derpicdn.net/img/2019/8/14/2117615/large.png
11619331
Good thing that the contest's word limit is just 1000. It was hard enough to push out as it is.
11618921
That comic is hilarious!
11618937
The bat coffee doesn't sound too bad, and the price isn't completely insane, either. Apparently there's an elephant version of civet coffee, and that 'Black Ivory' stuff goes for 2000USD per kilo.
Also, despite all the crazy marketing claims, durian doesn't necessarily go with everything.
I don't give a FUCK
I love honey and it's double vomit
I love figs and they all have dead wasps inside
I'ma love that kirin coffee cus it taste like firecy fucking energy just the way I like it
That is SO pony.
Well it's canon that pegasus farts are helium, so this isn't too far removed...
11619912
Tell me more about the dead wasps that power figs.
11620165
So every single fig you've ever eaten except by human interaction has eaten a wasp that's specialty is figs their pretty tiny and they go into the figs to lay their eggs but die in the process as well as tearing off their wings to get in a tiny entrance then they are digested by the figgy juices. Also I don't think any of the males escape and the babies mate inside. Hahahahaha enjoy your figs yum
OH NOOOOOO not the cat poop coffee!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
11619912
It's true that the best coffee in the world (Sumatra) comes from volcanic soil.
Now that you've done kopi luwak and durian, what's next? Hakarl? Casu marzu?
11620638
There was Surströmming a couple of years ago.
11620478 Poooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooop.
11620561 I grew some pretty fantastic coffee in NJ, with 1 or 2 potted trees I bring inside for the winter. Takes about 4 years to get enough beans for a pound of roasted coffee. It takes a month to dry the berries and then a few more months to age them (makes the beans get more flavor when they're aged inside the dried berry in a cool, dark, dry place. And then it takes a week to cut off the leathery berry husk by hand. And then I have to keep all the windows in the house open to air out the smoke when I roast the beans... at least that part's fast.
But then I get a pound of really great coffee! ... ... Which is gone in a week. ..... I need to convince some rich idiot that it's a delicacy and costs $80,000 a pound.
11620219 I now have a story in mind of a giant fig that eats changelings... kinky! (OMG, VORE!!! RUN AWAY!!!)