Name's Velvet Fresh, I'm not new and I apologize if my stories are on prepatual haitus. I procrastinate.. alot
[Adventure] [Crossover-Element] Warning: Light Violence, War themed
"The chosen stars await, the path of the runes will unveil. Go forth and gather their strength, only you can unite the destined stars and the true runes"
The message echo through the lavender unicorn's mind, as she ponder what is the voice telling her, not fully aware that a long journey awaits her.
a not so direct crossover with the Suikoden series. Universe-wise and possibly direct ish soon.. SPOILERS!~
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I was not expecting a story based on the 108 Destined Warriors. You get points for awesome just for knowing Suikoden and the legends it's built on. My most favorite of rpgs of all time.
Despite that, a lot of awkward sentences, like, how you described the 'town as no other,' which reads like "because it's residents sleep well, except for that one certain indigo unicorn." Which runs on to say she's tossing and turning with no real pacing. Then she's awake and panting.
Got to break those up a bit more. The story idea itself seems fine, but it doesn't read in a way others can really enjoy to its fullest. And using equal signs = in place of smart quotes, which are optional as most can tell italicized words tend to mean inner thoughts and not outright spoken dialogue, unless surrounded by quotation marks.
The line breaking a scene which is used to seperate two points of views or denote a scene transition is used by typing the letters HR in brackets [ ] which look like [hr] so hope you find it useful. No idea why it doesn't have its own button after all this time honestly.
But the good thing is the story is nice. But there is a lot of stuff I don't have time to point out like not properly ending your narratives with a period before a dialogue scene. The story requires a crossover tag. That much is mandatory. Also, if you're a fan of the games, it's always a plus to give it's obscureness some much needed love in a shoutout in the description. Not required by any means. That's what author notes are for. Use those Author notes wisely. Sadly it seems Knighty shutoff the ability to embed videos but links are still good.
It's fun. I like it. And Act 3 was most enjoyable. But it's in need of a good proofreader. Someone who can work with you would be nice who can explain things at your level and help you to understand why something is wrong and most importantly WHY that matters.
But, it's far from being terribly written. I've seen far worst. So don't think it's hopeless. Just needs more pacing.
4147214 mighty thanks for that. It's just that i really have bad grammar and i tend to have that 'screw it' attitude lol but thanks for the comment
everyone has their writing style, not everypony write in the same formate/style. I use equal signs for inner thoughts and i separate parts into paragraphs
Dude i already had a crossover tag lol and it's written it's not a direct crossover. well .. soon it might so I'll write it in the description on what it's crossed with
I had played Suikoden 1, 2 and 4. So far only the first game i manage got all 108 of em loooool
Question: Is the Journeyman's Stone a good idea? I wanted to explain how are they were able to well travel around in a party of 6 easily ehehe.
I really like thise story, it not often I read a story that base on a game, I hope you make more ch soon or make other storys that are base on game and also will the other 3 come in I sure they couls of come in handey , it your call and I look forward to whatever happens
YES!
4762191 please elaborate and read the whole story thus far and tell me in detail. I have suckish grammar so be warned
it is really getting good, I read this story a long time a go and love it. however I ost the name of the story and could not find it , till now, I look forward to more ch and hope to read other you make
p.s. top 5 game crossover