Rainbow Dash's feelings have never been something that she shows to the outside world, but when her mental barriers start to break down, can she withhold her feelings towards her fillyhood friend in order to avoid causing pain to everpony she knows?
On Hiatus Indefinitely, might not ever be finished. See here for details.
Side Note: First ever fanfic...ever, all suggestions and feedback are requested and welcome.
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I liked it. It's a bit short, but that's ok for a first story. Some parts need to be more 'reader-friendly' though, for ex.
This:
Fluttershy watched as the blue pegasus walked over to the door and opened it. Before she walked out, Rainbow Dash turned and looked at Fluttershy and smiled. ‘I hope that she can figure out what to do about her problem, whatever it is.’
Should be this:
Fluttershy watched as the blue pegasus walked over to the door and opened it. Before she walked out, Rainbow Dash turned and looked at Fluttershy and smiled.
‘I hope that she can figure out what to do about her problem, whatever it is.’
Use seperate lines for Fluttershy's thoughts, like in the conversation parts.
Keep on writing
Huh. Well in all honesty, it's usually difficult to provide feedback with just over a thousand words to work with. But in this case, I think I can work something out.
All in all, this isn't bad for a first fic. The telling of the story insofar is okay, although it is at times repetitive. Another thing about it is the use of tense. Double-check your use of past, present and future tense in your wording, for I found a few instances where the telling and even the quotes didn't quite make sense in this matter.
So far I haven't seen any major grammatical errors, so that tells me good things about your writing prowess.
I'll keep an eye out for this one. It may blossom into something pretty great.
"She looked down at the breakfast that she had been preparing, and saw a bowl with a piece of bread floating in milk, and a plate with some cereal, which appeared to be toasted."
I know that feel, Dash.
This is pretty good for a first fic im just starting myself written is hard
Thank you all for your support so far, it feels good to know that ponies actually read what I write.
The 1000 word thing is a weekly goal I set for myself so that I will actually get something typed and posted, otherwise I would never get anything done.
619569
Thanks for pointing that out, I will start with the separate thought lines starting w/ chapter 2.
619580
I also appreciate your feedback. I'm not so sure I will be able to fix my tenses problem quite as easily, but I will ask my proofreader to look out for any major problems with it.
Again, thanks you all for reading, and I hope that I can keep the chapters coming at a decent rate.
I love how i could work on my murder fic and just turn around and read FlutterDash
great chapter by the way
Guess what I finally went and did! I added chapter titles, fixed most of the indention, and fixed some spacing and readability issues! Yay for making it slightly easier to read. Chapter V is coming along well, should be out tomorrow or the next day depending on how fast my proofreader get through with it. Deuces again.
Well that's nice to know.
Waiting for the "bail us out or else" followed by the "does it look like I give a shit now" response.
Wow that surprised. Good chapter properly the best so far. You spelled chapter wrong you forgot the h.
749673
*facedesk* Thanks, I'll fix that now...
This was a very interesting chapter. I really liked how Fluttershy was the one that threw the wrench into Rainbow's plans by simply being Fluttershy.
This chapter definitely sets up meeting Fluttershy, compassion is certainly lacking in RD's life.
encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSHoH_DxZIOHMcrRgUvYRv3onTBc1EIdZesPoLaCxPWKz7tdURTSQ
Pic related in more ways than one.
Well... I like it.
The negativity in Cloudsdale is great. Slightly toned down compared to one of my Flutterdash stories I'm writing which gives me more ideas. But I just wish Rainbow Dash would let something slip so that the two can be together already. Then they can feel the burn of Cloudsdale together.
I must say your writing is improving and i know what you mean by alot of storys planed. Ive got like 10 storys plots thought of.
What a dick hope he dies.
,...okay, so, there's nothing about your actual writing that needs urgent attention. What does need work though is your story telling. Two things in this chapter jumped out at me as two big, "What?"'s.
The first was that I didn't understand how Dash didn't notice that Fluttershy had opened the door. You said the she was "looking into the cottage" so I'm guessing you mean she was looking through one of the windows. If that's the case you need to make it clarer.
The second thing was Rainbow's injuries. How, exactly, did she get them? Did she try to fly through a forest in the dark? Did she go into a dive, but fail to pull out in time because she couldn't see the ground?
It's just a strange thing to have happen, and it could use a better
explination.
Part of writing a good fanfic is keeping the characters...in character. The reader should never hhve to question why someone, or some pony in
this ase, is doing something. And if they do, it should be able to be
explained quickly by the context. For example, they are in a highly
unusual sitution, and would thus behave in a way that would not be
expected. Such as if something caused Pinkie Pie to become
legitimately terrified, making her not happy, and bouncing, and excitable, but well, freaked out, angry, tearful, etc.
And example for this story would be Fluttershy opening the door before seeing who it was.
I think of Fluttershy as generally very timid but brave and forceful when needed. This isn't a unique view. But taking this into account, I think if somepont where to come banging on her doo in the dead of night she'd be pretty freaked out. At the very least I'd expect her to look out though a window or some such thing to check who it was before going to the door. But once she saw that it was Rainbow Dash, and that she was hurt, I could see her running to, and throwing open, the door.
That's just my two bits on this chapter. Hope it helps.
841993
Thank you for the feedback. I will just say, I agree with you that this chapter does need a lot of work. I'm planning on going back and re-writing these first few once I get some time, possibly even in the next week or two. I'll take your suggestions into consideration. Thank You.
As of 23:10:19 on Sunday, July 01, 'The Harder They Fall' is on hiatus while I re-write the first few chapters and make them longer.
841914 I know he's a prick but thats no reason to want him dead
And now were getting somewhere...
I hope Fluttershy is ok and hasn't been captured by some awful bad guys.
Apart form that... I like it a lot tis rather well written and quite brutal while keeping the characters true.
It was great to see Rainbow unload on her father, even if the smug bastard grinned like an idiot. I think Fluttershy just panicked and flew back to their hotel, and Rainbow will find her there. At least, I hope so.
842271
Actually yes, that is all the reason to want him dead.
Ya know, I had all sorts of ideas for where this might be going, but they were shot down with extreme prejudice.
Gave me an interesting idea to throw on the "Maybe Someday" pile though.
I'll be honest with you, I'm surprised that her parens bothered to regain custody of her. But maybe they gained custody by default after being cleared and couldn't have given her up if they wanted to. Or they want to keep her around to bail them out as needed.
Speaking of which, what this story lacked was any explination for where she was getting her money.
Oh, and Cassandra's(odd name for a pony, btw) line about dirty thoughts made me wonder if she was gay, and was hoping to hit it off with Rainbow.
Maybe something to consider for the rewrite.
...you did say you were rewriting this, right? 
I've always thought the idea that mares would pair up, regardless of which way their mane hung(I just came up with that. Do you like it?), considering the population of equestria seems to be at least two-thirds female, would be rather common and accepted if not a given. So seeing these two ostracised(sp?) Like that strikes me as really weird. I don't even think the homosexuals in our world were ever treated treated like that.
844818
Yes, I am re-writing, but this chapter was not one that I was planning on revising.
Sorry if I ruined your expectations, but I'm still working out my writing style and didn't put quite as much thought into the plot as I probably should have. I'll work on that more in later stories once I figure it all out.
As for her parents, yeah, let's just go with they regained custody by default (she was still underage at that point, so I guess it makes sense?).
The money issue...is it really even important? If you want an answer though, I guess I could just say she very slowly saved any bits she found/earned form various jobs.
Cassandra is my OC, named after myself. And yes, she is bi.
My theory behind the 2/3 female thing...seeing as the mane 6 are all female, and originally the show was based entirely around the female ponies, they are the ones that we see the most often on screen. This doesn't mean that there are not that many stallions, it simply means we just don't see them. I believe that there are just as many stallions in Equestria as mares.
As for the severity of the prejudice, you would be surprised. There are places in the US, and probably around the world, that simply despise any sort of non-standard relationship. I myself grey up in such a town (highly religious) and was subjugated to such things when I revealed my orientation. I am envisioning Cloudsdale as one such town (not religious, seeing as they worship the princesses, but just highly disapproving).
I think that about covers that, now to see if there is anypony else I need to answer as well...
Nothing major, and I hope I didn't come across as rude in this post, I'm just a little tired is all. I started the revision of chapter 1 and just turned the first 480 or so words into over 1000. This is gonna be good...
...ten bits says Fluttershy is with Derpy's mom.
Anyway, what Rainbowdash yelled is\lt as damnig as she seems to think, "so what if I was" simply implies that she doesn't give a damn what he thinks.
Anyway, this story has potential, so I'll alert it, and give it a thumb up.
842271 i meant it more jokingly then anything i dont really want him died. I would never really wish death on someone no matter how much the wronged me. Im sorry if my comment offended you in any way and i will remove it if you wish
Please update :(
Good job on 0 Dislikes ^_^
aw who was it! who was that one person that had to go and dislike it.